by Delilah Hunt
His gaze washed over her and then he let out a deep sigh. “Larke. You know you’re braver than I am, right? Hell, you took a chance with me, after finding out I’d been watching you on top of everything else. That night–when we were kids–I probably would’ve gone insane if I’d been in there with anyone else. You were so calm, even telling a story. You can handle anything that comes your way. If I’m not sure of anything in life, on this I know I’m dead right.”
How to respond to that? Chase had such faith in her. Standing there with her heart inside her throat, Larke could only hope her actions showed him that she also believed in him. Somehow she managed to speak, whispering a throaty ‘thank you’ as they fell into silence, walking side by side.
There was no awkward moment. No struggle to make small talk. Only the peaceful feeling of knowing there was no need for noise, they were together, enjoying the other’s company and that was enough.
After leaving the depth of the woodlands, they crossed into a path designated as walking trail. The mid-summer sun was high in the sky, breaking through the shade. The trail itself, along with the blue skies and simmering rays of sunlight hitting the ground, trees, and wildflowers peeking through the grass, reminded her of something out of a fairytale.
Larke contemplated stopping to take a couple of pictures on her phone. Perhaps it would provide inspiration for a new series idea she’d been toying with to present to her publisher. She shifted her head, ready to share her thoughts with Chase when a loud bark sounded from behind them. They both glanced backward, noticing a small chunky black and white pug coming up from behind them. The tag on its collar jingled.
Behind the dog was a little boy, running and crying out, “Jellybean, come back here! Stop.” A short distance away they could both see a black woman who Larke assumed was the boy’s mother, walking fast while pushing a stroller, calling out to the child and the dog.
As the pug attempted to whiz by, Chase reached out with smooth efficiency, grabbing a hold of its leash. Larke whistled, shaking her head with admiration. “You hunt, you carve knives and stuff, and now you catch runaway puppies.”
He looked at her and grinned. “I’m good, right?”
She laughed and slapped his shoulder as the child came to up to them, his hand on his knee and panting. “Thanks, mister.” He gazed up at Chase, who handed him the leash. “We got her a few days ago from the animal shelter. Didn’t think she’d run away from me. And we just started training her too.”
“It’s cool. Better keep a tighter grip next time, kid.”
The boy nodded, smiling at him. “Don’t have to tell me twice.”
“Jesus, Mikey. I told you to––”
The woman never finished whatever it was she had meant to say. She was in front of them now, her gaze flitting between Larke and Chase then centering on his tattoos. The boy’s mother looked up. She was eyeing Chase with anger and disgust stretching across her face.
A fist tightened and gutted Larke deep in the pit of her stomach. The pain began to coil itself everywhere inside her body. Was this for the woman? Chase? Both. Larke wasn’t sure. All she knew was, that woman who had the same skin color and was not much older than herself, had seen the symbols and read the words across Chase’s arms for the first time. Larke remembered that pain. It was a deep one.
Beside her, she could feel Chase stiffen. She noticed the hardening of his jaw and the scowl on his face. Defensive mode. The woman inched backward, scooping one arm around her son, the other tightening around the handle of the stroller.
“Come on Mikey, let’s go home.”
Larke kept her eyes peeled to the woman hurrying off. She could hear the curt warning to the child, telling him he needed to keep a tighter hold on the leash. The woman then canted her head, peering over her shoulder, giving Larke a long puzzled stare. It was easy to understand the woman’s confusion. If the tables were turned, Larke knew she would’ve done the same––wondering what the heck someone like her was doing with a man like Chase.
She sucked in a breath. The truth was, that woman and everyone else had no idea about the intricacy of her and Chase’s relationship. Of course, it was unimaginable for them to understand that beneath the rough, white supremacist exterior, was a man who was growing and trying to change his ways. They wouldn’t know that he was becoming her best friend and treated her with respect, caring and such tender affection that made her heart swell each and every day. And because of that, she needed to suck up the stares, toughen up and realize that things like this would happen more often than not.
While searching her mind for the right thing to say, Chase saved her the work by quietly asking, “Do you have any regrets, Larke?”
“A few,” she answered truthfully. “I have a younger half-sister. My father remarried and his wife gave birth when I was around fourteen. They wanted me to fly out to Missouri to meet the baby and spend time with them. I refused. I had gotten used to him not being a physical part of my life and I suppose I was angry that he had a new family. At the time I didn’t care how much my decision hurt him and his wife. My mom tried to convince me to go, but ultimately it was my decision. Looking back, I see how childish I’d been. We’ve all made up since then, and I love my little sister, but that was a selfish act I regret to this day.”
He nodded. “You know the feeling. The thing is, I started getting these tattoos when I was a teen. Fifteen actually.” He shook his head and let out a snort. “It’s funny. Funny in a shitty kind of way, that of all the people I can talk to about this, it’s you.” He paused, his eyes appearing somber. “Or maybe not. Maybe it makes more sense than even I know, since as far as I can tell, you’re the only person who understands or even care to try and understand me.”
“You can always talk to me about anything,” she said facing him. “Do you regret getting your tattoos?”
He was quiet for a while. He rubbed his forehead and said, “I’m not gonna stand here and lie to you that I’m a completely changed man or some crap like that. That wouldn’t be fair. But I’m definitely trying to see things from a different angle. Understand more than I did before. As for the tattoos, yeah, I regret some of them. This right here on my arm. I can’t get that image outta my head of you seeing it for the first time. Made me feel like absolute shit and I didn’t know why I even cared what you thought. Last night I told you to forget about them, but it ain’t that simple, is it?”
“No. It isn’t,” Larke agreed. “Did you also care when you saw how sad and scared that lady looked?”
“Cared? I don’t know if that’s the right word. I don’t know her––don’t wanna know her. But it didn’t make me feel good to see that look on her face.” He went quiet, appearing deep in thought. “Yeah. I guess in a way it did bother me.”
“And it didn’t before?”
“No. Never. Except for you.” Chase drew in a breath. “If it wasn’t so damn hot, I would’ve worn a long-sleeved shirt, like I did before when I figured out how much the tattoos bothered you.”
Larke shook her head. “You can’t go around covering them up all the time. Especially in summer. It’s too hot like you said. For now, we’ll just have to deal with it.”
They continued along the path until he stopped in mid-stride, turning to her. “Did it upset you, what happened a while ago? Were you embarrassed?”
She bit her lip. “It upset me. The situation. Not you. I’m not angry with you. It’s just upsetting that there are so many misunderstandings and misgivings out there. Like how you mentioned to me before that the government favors minorities. That’s not true. Anything the government does for minorities is to try and put them on equal footing with white people. We’re always a step behind because of our skin color. These programs only try to even the playing field. It’s needed.”
She raised her gaze to study his reaction. There was no usual hardening of his jaw or tick in his cheek. Larke continued. “There’s a lot out there that’s hard to understand for black and white people, every
one really. Take that little boy with the dog. I wonder if he saw those words on your arm––if he understood what they meant. And his mother, what happens when they get home? Will she have to explain it all to him? That’ll be hard on her. Not only that but he’ll also be confused, wondering why I was walking beside you. None of it will make sense to the child. So you see it’s not a matter of embarrassment. Not at all. I’m not embarrassed to be with you or be seen with you. I care about you so much. I only wish this wasn’t an issue between us. I don’t want to feel like an exceptional black person. I’m no better than anyone else. I’m not gorgeous or brilliant. I’m just an average girl. A regular black person.” She let out a deep breath and held out her hand, struggling for the right words to further explain her feelings. Words were too hard sometimes. “I don’t know if what I said made much sense. All I know is I try to get along with everyone.”
“I know,” Chase murmured thickly. “Trust me, Larke, I know that’s what you do. I have that necklace you gave me as proof. Been doing so ever since you were a little girl.” He loped his arm around her waist. “I’m not trying to brush off anything you said but to me, there’s nothing average about you. When I was in the bowling alley, before I heard your name, I couldn’t take my eyes off you and that confused the hell out of me. When I realized you were the same girl I’d met as a kid, it was like something went off inside my head and I knew why I was reacting the way I was. You were the first person to be kind to me and I guess that kind of stuck with me on some level. About everything else you said––I get it. I really do, angel and I’m working on myself. I can’t make promises, but I’m not gonna be like a fucking moron and make decisions based on everything I was taught to believe.”
She clasped her hand to his, the love she was beginning to feel for him blossomed inside her heart. “That’s all I can ask for right now.”
14
Chase was talking too much. He’d gone all his life priding himself on being smart enough not to trust anyone. Not to depend on anyone. But Larke was messing it all up, turning the world he knew upside down and everything he was familiar with into chaos. Simply by being her wonderful, caring self. Talking about his childhood wasn’t something he normally did. He didn’t have friends, and if he did, he sure as hell wouldn’t have felt comfortable telling anyone about being so poor he’d had to go hunting for his own damn food.
The look on Larke’s face as he’d told her, however, made him realize she’d never considered before that a kid would have to resort to such extreme measures. Her innocence to his harsh reality was another reason for him to rethink the things he’d learned. Somehow, it no longer seemed true that being white made him or anyone else more civilized than all the other races. While Larke was living her nice life with a mother who cared about her, he was the skinny white kid out by himself hunting in the woods with a growling stomach and wearing dirty clothes.
It was all just plain wrong. So much that he didn’t want to think about it for now. In fact, Chase shoved it all together from his mind. He was with his girl and the last thing he wanted was another issue to come up between them, like earlier today because of that damn dog.
Glancing over at Larke, he noticed that she was struggling to eat the Chinese Takeout they’d ordered on the way home. She was determined to use chopsticks although it seemed her hand and the utensil refused to get along. She picked up a piece of meat and slowly tried bringing it to her opened mouth. Her brows furrowed in concentration. The beef got as far as the edge of her bottom lip before the chopsticks fell.
Chase wanted to laugh and hug Larke for being her regular self, but at the same time, he felt the urge to grab the chopsticks and order her to eat the food with the fork because they weren’t in goddamn Asia. He kept quiet. Chase got up and went to her. Crouched by her knee, he took the chopsticks and placed them between her fingers. “It’s like this, angel.” He kept his hand over hers, guiding her motion to keep the chopsticks and the food from falling.
“I feel dumb,” she said jokingly before using them on her own without any food falling.
Chase returned to his spot on the couch and chuckled. “Don’t. I only figured it out cause I ordered some noodles once and they sent chopsticks with it. I had time to kill while I was waiting to meet up with…” He caught himself and shut his mouth. Larke was making him talk too much again. Saying things she had no business knowing and would only upset and hurt her.
Not surprisingly, she laid the chopsticks on the coffee table, her eyes suddenly sad. “I was watching a documentary the other day. It was about hate groups.” His entire body grew tense. She noticed it, yet kept on talking. “I know it’s not something we’ve ever sat down and discussed, but we have to. The program was about the largest hate group in America. Of course I started thinking about you, how you mentioned going to different places. Then I got scared and worried. Angry too. That I definitely have to admit. I was upset, thinking of you going to those racist events I saw in the documentary. There were so many horrible things said and joked about. I didn’t want to think about you doing that sort of thing with your group. All I want is the truth, Chase. When you mention driving across states, does that involve going to gatherings? Do you ever make plans to harm anyone?”
The feeling of a knife slashing into him hit Chase hard. He swallowed, finding it hard to speak. “Do you think I’ve hurt anyone?”
Larke gave him a sad look that made him want to pound his fist against a wall in self- disgust. “No,” she finally whispered. “My heart told me you hadn’t, but I needed to hear it straight from you.”
“I keep to myself, Larke. You know that. But that doesn’t mean I’ll hesitate to protect myself.”
“And the gatherings?”
He couldn’t lie to her. “We don’t do anything as big as some of the other groups but all of the members get together at least once a year. We also have other local events scattered throughout the year. As for why I go away sometimes, it’s not because of any big gathering or committing crimes.”
“Then why? Please tell me.”
He shoved a hand through his hair and bounded out of the chair. She was watching him. Her eyes were huge, boring into his and pleading with him to confide in her. He should shout at her, Chase reasoned. Remind Larke that this part of his life was none of her damn business. None of the girls he’d ever messed around with would dare to ask him so many questions.
Letting out a growl of pent up frustration and knowing that in the end, he was powerless against her pleas, Chase bit out, “I meet up with people who you wouldn’t even begin to suspect had ties to groups like mine. I’m not gonna give any names. Don’t ask me to. But some of these guys, I can tell you, you definitely won’t sleep better at night knowing what they think about the people they’re supposed to help, serve, represent and educate. They’re our big donors. Not just AR, they give money to white supremacist groups all over the country. These are people who don’t mind handing out cash if they think it’s gonna help lead America in a certain direction. Our job is to keep that confidence alive by doubling, tripling our membership all the fucking time. Now, I hope you’re happy because that’s all I’m gonna say on this. No more questions, Larke. I mean it.” He drew in a breath, calming his nerves and lowering his voice at the frightened expression on her face. “Angel, this is not the type of thing I wanna discuss with you.”
She nodded and continued to stare at him, her eyes misty as if she was trying to keep from crying. “Do you think I asked because I’m nosey?”
Of course he didn’t. But he also didn’t know why she cared about where he went. “I don’t think that, but I’m confused why you even care if I leave for a couple of days at a time. I’m gonna come right back to you every single time.”
She gazed up at him, eyes still watery. “I only asked because I’d be so worried about you, wondering what you were doing. If you were safe or doing things you would regret.” She closed her eyes. “I thought it would be obvious.”
His h
eart pounded as he bent to press his lips to her cheek. “Not to me, it isn’t.” Things like that would never be obvious to a guy like him. The same guy who had worried for years about his mother, only to track her down and have her reject him like a sorry dog, by warning him to stay the fuck away from her because she had a new life. One that didn’t include taking care of a seventeen-year-old.
Larke rose from the couch and stroked her palm against his face. “Chase, I care about you. In my world when someone means a lot to you, that also includes worrying about them and wanting them to be safe. And I worry a whole lot.” She reached for his hand. “With caring also comes trust. I’ll trust you and you’ll trust me because I won’t ever betray you. In any way shape or form.”
She’s breaking me.
Chase’s throat felt lumpy. “I’ve gone a long time without needing anyone to trust, what makes you think I need this from you?” He closed his hand over her own, unsure if he was smiling or scowling. Larke had him so messed up inside, feeling all kinds of nervous. “Wasn’t like I planned on telling you everything about me. That just won’t happen. I might let something slip here and there but those aren’t real secrets.” Not like the horrible, shameful, ones I have. Too scared to tell you even though I trust you with my life.
Her lips widened as her finger scorched a path down his chest. “You’ll need this from me because sooner or later you’ll feel like bursting. Holding it all in isn’t good for anyone. I used to be a nurse, so you should definitely listen to me. And…if you don’t have any real secrets, Mr. Hudson, you do have a heart, mind and real emotions. Those things feed on, absolutely thrive on connections. An intimate, compassionate, thoughtful connection. That’s what I have to offer. It’s also what I expect from you. When the time comes and you’re ready to lay your soul bare, I’ll be here to help you sort it all out.”