Skylar: I only know her because you had us meet. That was intentional, yeah? What’s going on?
Avery: Yes, I knew you were awesome and she was awesome so I figured you’d at least be awesome friends. Olivia wrote Ben a letter and he wrote her back. I saw it first and opened it. She’s upset that I saw what it said. She’s sleeping right now.
Skylar: Shit…
Avery: Yeah, it wasn’t good. I think I’m just numb right now. I don’t think she realizes that I needed to see it. It was a kind of closure.
Skylar: Okay… Now I want to know what it said… Why would he even write her a letter? I don’t get it.
Avery: Because he’s in love with her and he wanted to explain.
No one knew about that. Neither of us had given out much information about our relationships with Ben, even to those close to us. I knew I’d never tell my parents the details. Liz was as close as it came to someone who knew much but she could read the statements and court records.
Skylar: What?!
Avery: It was always her. I was just someone to use. She was not to be soiled by the fucked up shit in his mind.
Skylar: Wait. What are you even talking about? Did they have like a relationship or something?
Avery: A friendship. Nothing more. Even though Ben says he dreams of them having a house together and kids. When I got to that part in the letter I threw up.
Skylar: …
Skylar: So he pined about her while torturing you? … Just when I thought this couldn’t get more sick.
Avery: Yeah. There are all these details I leave out because I know she shouldn’t have to hear them. I guess I should go back to the therapist. It was just so uncomfortable. I told her one tonight and it made it worse.
Skylar: You can always talk to me, Avery… I don’t have any plans today if you want to talk to someone. Even if I did have plans… I’d drop them for you. Always.
Avery: I’m scared to leave. Sounds pathetic but maybe if you come get me. We could go somewhere safe.
Skylar: I’m coming.
I put the phone down and went back to the bedroom. Olivia was turned toward me and I could see her relaxed in sleep. If she was dreaming, I hoped it wasn’t bad. I went back to the bed and carefully got on, facing her.
I just looked. She was the source of so much good for me. If I touched her she might wake up but I couldn’t help myself. I uncurled her hand from where it sat against her chest and put mine in it. She didn’t wake but her fingers gripped mine and she sighed.
Maybe I’d entered her dreams just then and we were off somewhere enjoying life away from all of the hurt and pain. That was not much to ask but we had a mountain to climb to get there. I mouthed the words I love you to her and tried to lengthen my breaths to match hers.
I was relaxing and feeling this sense of calm that gave me a reprieve from thoughts of the letter but Skylar was coming and I needed to get ready. I released Olivia’s hand and pulled mine away but she held on. I settled back down on the bed.
Maybe if I waited a second… but her grip was still there when I tried to pull my hand away again. I moved forward and kissed her thumb where it closed around my hand. “It’s okay, baby. I’m not leaving you for real. I’ll just be right back,” I whispered.
“Okay,” she sighed, letting go and turning away from me. I don’t think she was awake, not really, but she did speak and let me go.
I didn’t want to leave her. It felt wrong but I needed to talk to someone. I needed to know. I wanted to hear what Skylar would say. I went around the other side of the bed and looked down at her and then kissed her cheek. I needed one last little bit of contact.
I moved to the closet and found some clothes that were comfortable and presentable, then went into the living room to wait. Skylar must have sped to get here. It usually took her longer to drive from her house to this side of town.
I met her at the door and walked out to her car. “Can we go to your house?” I asked.
“Of course,” she said. “Are you hungry or anything? Should we pick up pizza?”
I felt the ache in my stomach. Pizza might be a little heavy but it was easy. “Yeah, let’s stop at that place that has the five dollar take out pizzas.”
“Sounds good,” she said, settling into her seat and turning her car back on.
We drove past the big houses in my neighborhood and down one of the busy streets in the city, stopping for the pizza, and then booking it back to her house. It was a place I’d always felt safe and no one knew where she lived. Ben didn’t know. That was what I really thought.
Skylar had been primarily quiet on the drive. We had a little bit of new tension. A result of not knowing what was okay and what wasn’t. Okay to say, okay to do.
“Come on,” she smiled carefully, taking the pizza from my lap once we got to her house.
We went straight to her room and she shut the door. It felt different, weird to be back here after so long but it was comforting. This was a part of our past that I hadn’t touched in a long time. We’d spent so many hours in here watching TV and just talking.
I’d been an idiot not to see. What if I had? What would have happened really?
“Stop being weird,” she laughed, tugging me across the bed so I’d have to fall onto it. She had kicked off her sandals and put her hair up and I’d just been paused in the middle of the room, staring at it.
“I was just remembering that I haven’t been here in a long time. It feels good.” I settled on the bed and dipped my feet under the plaid comforter. She slid the pizza onto the bed and I opened the box, taking out a piece and eating it in a few bites. I barely chewed.
“Woah, slow down,” she said, laughing.
“I can’t,” I mumbled between chews. “I haven’t eaten all day.”
She got onto the bed and grabbed a piece for herself and started to eat it. Then she tossed me one of the paper towels that she’d grabbed from downstairs.
“At least clean the evidence off your face,” she teased.
I grabbed another piece of pizza and started to eat it. I didn’t know what to say to her. What would we talk about? The letter seemed like such a dour topic.
“So… Your girlfriend called me last night. That was new.”
“She did? What did she want?”
This was news. I had no idea that Olivia had called Skylar.
“I think she was sad,” Skylar said. “Or just worried I was mad at her or something. She said you guys fought. I think you’re both scared to tell each other things. I get it though. It’s complicated. I honestly don’t know why she likes me so much. I’m kind of an ass. Especially to her.”
“She likes you because you’re a genuine person. Olivia doesn’t like games or bullshit and you don’t take part in either of those so that’s one reason.”
“I know, she’s a very serious person. It’s hot,” Skylar laughed. “Nat said she fell right away. Hopeless… It was annoying.”
“I can’t blame her. It took me a bit to realize that I couldn’t let her get away, which was stupid. Sometimes I worry that she’s going to expire from all the stress I bring into her life or wake up and realize that she’d be happier without it.”
Natalie was better at getting Olivia than I was. It was scary.
“That’s why I freaked out about Natalie,” I explained. “She understands Olivia better than I do.”
“I dunno… If she understood her better she’d be with her now don’t you think?” Skylar asked. “Natalie put on a show for her. She let Olivia decide what she should be. That wasn’t smart. She hid herself. You don’t do that, right? I mean… It seems like Olivia worships you. So, you must not.”
“No, I don’t put on a show but I’ve hidden things to try to protect her from them. That wasn’t smart. They weren’t things that were fun to talk about but it made her think that I couldn’t see her. I do see her. If I didn’t then it wouldn’t hurt so much. She’s sensitive.”
“Yes… Abused puppy,” she smiled. �
�That’s what I told her last night when I was pissed off.”
“What does that mean?” I asked. I didn’t like that thought.
“Sometimes I think she wants to be kicked,” Skylar said, looking over at me sort of sly. “Not by you. But by me maybe… By certain people. Anyway, I was pissed. I shouldn’t have said it. It was mean. Think about it though,” her eyebrows furrowed as she hugged her legs loosely and stared down at the pizza. “I get upset at her, treat her kind of shitty, then later when she’s down she calls me? That’s weird right? She’s weird...”
“It’s not weird. It’s just Olivia. She sees past people’s stupid to what they really feel. She sees that you genuinely love me and that you really like her. Just like I know that the fact that Ben said he loves in that letter doesn’t bother her. Real emotion isn’t a crime to her even if it comes from a person like him. That’s been kind of hard for me because my instinct is to slit his throat for even thinking about her.”
“Daaaamn!” Skylar gasped, sort of pleased. “I- think I’m gonna stop talking shit about your girlfriend now,” Skylar laughed. She got quiet though, after that. Initially the imagery of me slitting Ben’s throat may have been pleasing but after a little thought it was just intense and dark. She couldn’t know that I’d probably enjoy it too much.
“Do you have the letter?” Skylar asked carefully.
“Yeah, Vi tried to burn it but I stopped her. I’ve been carrying it with me.”
Even though it felt like a tumor in my pocket I knew I had to keep it safe. I took it out and handed it over to her.
She unfolded it and smoothed it out in front of her on the bed.
As soon as she started reading it her eyebrows knit and she scoffed but kept reading.
“Wow!” Sky said, eyebrows raising as she looked over at me. “K, yeah, this is a fucking mess,” she said, commiserating with me. “This letter is…”
“Romantic,” I confirmed.
“Yeah. That,” she said. “And offensive to you,” she added on. “Did you know he loved her?”
“Yes. He didn’t say it outright but I knew. From the way he talked about her it was obvious. She was his ultimate and I was something to play with.” Not some one but some thing. “He was good at disguising it in the beginning or maybe he didn’t feel that way yet. I don’t know but when it started he was sweet. He’s good at manipulation.”
“So, wait…” She was sort of frazzled. “Are you in love with her because he was in love with her?”
The thought had never even entered my mind. My face screwed up into disbelief.
“God no,” I looked straight at her. “I’m in love with her because of who she is. There isn’t anyone like her. Who could possibly see a monster’s love as a good thing? She’s the most understanding, pure person I’ve ever met and I’d do anything for her, including die.”
“See,” Skylar teased. “That sounds like creepy monster talk.”
“That’s because I am a monster.”
As soon as the words flew from my mouth I knew it was the truth that I believed for so long but never dared say.
“What?!” Sky scoffed, reaching both of her hands for my wrist and holding it to take my hand. “Wait, are you serious? You actually think that?”
“If I hadn’t met Olivia I would have become what he wanted to make me.”
“Which was what?” Sky asked, annoyed.
“Like him.” That division was still there. “I dunno. Maybe someone did it to him first. Maybe a long time ago.” I was quiet for a second while she just considered what I was saying. “That’s why I’m so angry because I see him in me. He saw that part and manipulated it until I could imagine myself doing the kinds of things he did to me.”
“Do you think about doing those things to Olivia?” Skylar asked, concerned. “What do you mean? Do you crave doing bad things or something?”
“Not those things. I wouldn’t do those things to her but sometimes I’ve wanted to-” I swallow and waited for my breath to calm. “Hurt her. She had me do it once in a way. She liked it- or- likes it- but it caused all sorts of conflict so she didn't want to do it again. It wasn’t bad, bad. I spanked her really hard.”
“Wow, okay,” Skylar said, smiling. “I’m sorry but I am having all kinds of dirty thoughts right now. I know you’re being serious but that just sounded so hot. It didn’t sound like a problem.”
My head snapped around and I busted out laughing and nodding. “I didn’t think it was a problem either. It’s always intense and hot with her and that night was just a different version of that.”
“I know a little of what he did to you. And that, with Olivia I mean, that’s all different,” she said.
“It is. I don’t want to do those things to her that he did to me. I could kill someone though. If he was in front of me right now or someone like him. I’d like it. I’d get pleasure from feeling blood on my hands. That’s fucked up.”
“Sorry to play devil’s advocate here but I don’t think it really is. If Ben was in this room right now I’d want to kill him too and I didn’t even have to deal with him directly. Wanting to kill a killer isn’t the same thing as wanting to kill an innocent person. I dunno… I’m just talking I guess,” she mumbled, pulling another piece of pizza up and biting it sorta sadly. “If the people you want to hurt are bad people who can hurt others… I think there’s some sort of loophole for that…” She wasn’t looking at me anymore, just sort of thinking to herself and trying to work through it all. “Maybe I need to watch Xena again,” she joked. “Not all of us can be as righteous as fucking Batman.”
“Oh god, I love you,” I said, pushing her arm. “I missed this. Just talking to you.” I put my hand on hers. “I missed you.”
She straightened up a bit and looked down at my hands as she blushed and cleared her throat to warn me about the touching and what it did. “I missed you too,” she said.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-”
I took my hand away and used it to prop myself up on the bed. “I guess I need to be careful for awhile. I never realized how touchy I was with you. I think it was because you made me feel okay.”
“I obviously love when you touch me,” she said carefully. “I just don’t want you to not know what it does.”
“Why? Is it embarrassing?”
I suddenly wanted to know how she saw me really, what I made her feel.
“What did it feel like when Olivia used to touch you?” She asked. “In the beginning.”
“Like waking up after sleeping for ten years. Every nerve in my body was firing and it was almost painful, like she could kill me just from the overload.”
“Well, there ya go,” Sky said, avoiding my eyes.
Instead of finishing her pizza she put it down and moved a little bit away from me until her back was pressed up against the headboard.
“Bummer,” I groaned. “That sucks.”
Now, I felt like a dick. I was basically making her feel worse every time I touched her and she couldn’t do anything about it.
“I thought we were here to talk about you,” Sky said.
“Yeah but we never talked about you. So, now the subject is open. If you really don’t want to we don’t have to but I just want to know that you’re okay.”
“I’m fine Avery. It’s not like you’re leaving me or dying. I still get my friend. I still get you. It’s just not like the fairytales we always talked about,” she said, looking up at me and smiling awkwardly. “I have these feelings and I can’t do anything with them other than wish they weren’t there. This is gonna sound shitty but I think I actually understand why Natalie needed Olivia to kiss her goodbye.”
My chest tightened. “Yeah, I know. I understand it too.” I turned to her, looking from her eyes to her lips and then down to my hands. “Would that help?” My eyes flicked up to hers again, searching.
“I wasn’t talking about us,” she said vulnerably, her head turning away as she cleared her throat again.
“No,” Sky said, shaking her head. “It was closure for Olivia and letting go for Natalie.” She pushed my words around.
“Yeah,” I played with the tassel on the pillow under my arm. “What was it like when you kissed me at the party?”
“It wasn’t good,” she said, her face darkening. “That wasn’t…” She stopped talking. I’d made her uncomfortable. “I hurt you. It was disrespectful. I was drunk. I was… I was dumb. It was bad, Avery…”
“That’s not important, Sky. I got over that and you should forgive yourself. You acted on what you felt and your inhibitions were low. We were drugged. I know what’s in your heart. I could never stay mad at you for staying true to that.”
Paper Dolls Page 3