“I bet she’s upset about this,” my mom realized.
“It didn’t make things better or anything,” I confessed.
“Want to watch The Good Wife with me?”
I laughed.
That was probably the last thing I thought she’d ask.
“If there’s wine?”
“There will always be wine,” she laughed. “I can’t believe I raised such an unruly lush.”
“Well, you did,” I sighed, letting her hold onto my waist and pull me around toward the living room.
She’d taken the letter in her free hand. I knew she was going to keep it and study it. She hadn’t even finished reading it really. It was probably too annoying for her to read while I was here. I never could’ve read that thing fast if Avery hadn’t been there to push me and make me think it was some essential practice I needed to attend to. Either way, it was better my mom had that thing now and not me. I didn’t ever want to see or hear it again but I knew, due to the trial, I’d be forced to see and hear and discuss it somehow over and over.
The lawyers would find a way to admit it as evidence and use it against Ben. The gross thing about that? The letter would probably never be destroyed. Especially not by my own hands.
I wanted to burn it or tear it up and make art of it. Mix the ash of his tarnished words in my paints and do a series based solely on the grief and pain of an ultimate betrayal. To claim love now, and show love, was just cruel.
Mom had a few episodes of The Good Wife to watch. I hadn’t caught up in a while so I wasn’t even sure what was happening but I loved the show and it easily sucked me in. Mom found it so amusing because of her job. She liked Diane Lockhart and saw a lot of her in herself which I definitely agreed with.
I never told her before how much I loved Kalinda Sharma. At least, I never told her how much I related to her. I guess I could do that now but this episode included Kalinda doing all sorts of bad things so I figured I better not.
When Avery came home she found us all quiet together on the couch with the giant TV painting pictures for all to see.
“Hey you.” I’d felt her hands before her words. I’d been so wrapped up I actually jumped a little at her touch but then she spoke and the hand brushing across my collarbone and tightening seemed more like a caring hand than a potentially threatening one.
Her soft loving whisper made me smile. I touched her arm with both of my hands and shut my eyes as I felt her lips on my temple.
“Aaaand I’ll take that as my cue,” my mom said, noticing. She smoothly stood up and took her wine glass with her as she walked to the back side of the couch, where Avery was, on her way to leave.
“You don’t have to go,” Avery laughed, standing up.
“You kidding? You’ve been like newlyweds for months,” my mom teased, cocking her head to the side and holding her arm out for her.
I watched as Avery moved to hug her.
These were normal things now.
“Be nice to each other,” my mother darkly joked.
I couldn’t know what she was thinking.
“Okay,” Avery laughed. “What was that about?”
“I gave her the letter,” I said. For sure, the comment was more about Natalie and what I’d confessed. “I also sorta told her about Nat… Since she asked.”
Chapter 6
Olivia
Dinner was fine. God, I was starting to hate that word too. Mom could tell something was off and she wouldn't let it go until I promised to talk to her later this week.
Dad just tried to ignore our back and forth. He tried to change the subject a few times but Mom was like a shark smelling blood in the water.
I couldn't talk about it with them the same way I could with Holland or Skylar.
...Holland. I wish she were close so I could translate my feelings to her. She was always the one that understood people better than I could. She was forever telling me why I was doing the things I was.
Olivia’s life would be easier without me. I'd known that from day one. I couldn't see her the right way and I wasn't giving her what she needed.
Ben was right. About that and about me. That didn't mean he could get away with the wrong. As I drove home I was thankful that Dad dropped the idea of family conference night. He could tell that I was fragile.
In the old days he would have pushed it and told me to toughen up. That's before he realized that those words were damaging. I needed Olivia and so I left as soon as dinner was over.
Without her near I wasn't sure about anything. When I got home she wasn’t in the guest house so I went looking and found her with Liz. They looked cozy and I hated to break it up but I wanted Olivia to know that I was back.
She jumped when I touched her and it made me flinch but that wasn't a big deal. I immediately tuned in to the fact that she and Liz must have had quite a talk.
“What did she say?” I looked back to where Liz had disappeared and sighed. It probably wasn't good.
“Not much,” Olivia laughed. “I don’t think she was too overjoyed though. We touched on a lot of things...” I could tell Olivia felt sorry for how we’d left things before. She seemed more herself though than she had been in a long while. I easily noticed that.
Talking to me, and to her mom, it must’ve actually been a relief on her now that it had been done.
“Good. I'm glad you guys talked.”
I sat down beside her, close, so close that she would have to move far to get any space.
“My mom wants to talk to me this week. She's convinced I should be seeing some shrink at that place where she was.”
“What?” Olivia seemed concerned. “Why? What happened?” Not that anything really had to happen ontop of everything else. “Did you tell her about Vivianne?”
“Nothing happened; she could just tell that I was down. I told her but she thinks this guy hangs the moon or something.”
“I’m sorry, baby,” Olivia said, shifting so she could lean her back on the armrest and put her legs over mine and see me.
“Eh, I think she was just worried. Moms do that.” I smiled at the thought of my mom being a real mom again.
“Did you eat?”
She probably hadn't since we had that talk.
“Ha!” She laughed. I guess the thought of food today was funny to her.
“Sex, I can take... Crying? Always… Food?” She shook her head sadly, to tell me, no. I watched as her gaze wandered down to her dress where one of her arms lay loose and uncomfortable across her stomach. I felt her warm hand holding mine as if it were a secret against the fabric of the couch.
“Figured as much,” I reached for her hand and rubbed her wrist. “Did your mom see this?” Her skin was a little red from the cord being so tight.
She shook her head again softly. “She didn’t say anything,” she peered out at me with her eyes a bit squinty.
“She’s gonna think I'm abusing you,” I said with a smile. “She might call the cops on me.” I brought her hand up to my face and kissed her wrist, holding it there against my lips while my tongue peeked out to taste her skin.
I could feel her breathing instantly change.
“You’re so good to me,” she sighed.
I'd argue with her on that but I didn't want to upset her any more than I had.
“You taste good,” I said, my lips still grazing her skin.
We were so good at this.
She leaned forward and twisted her wrist to break her hand free from mine and kiss my lips. I could taste her strength again now. Sometimes when I kissed her she tasted weak. Right now she was strong. It all made a difference. We bounced off each other. Gaged our reactions off of what we felt and knew was okay.
I felt her take my wrist and move my hand down onto her naked leg as she kissed me. Soon my hand had slid all the way down her thigh beneath the hem of her dress and I felt that she was wet and not bashful about it.
“You are good to me,” she whispered, pushing my thumb into her smo
oth wet center and letting out a labored breath while she loosely hugged me with her other arm. After that she pulled my hand back onto her thigh to rest in secret just there.
That sent me reeling. To feel her like that. She made her point. I wanted to move my hand back up but we were out where anyone passing through could see.
“You are dangerous in all the best ways.” I fluttered my fingers against her skin. “You make me see.”
I scooted closer and laid my head on her stomach, covering my actions below. I pressed into her warmth again.
“Ahhh,” she gasped, eyes rolling back subtly before opening again and watching me.
“You’re too pretty to be so good at such things,” she said, teasing me.
“It’s good camouflage for the absolute gutter brain that I have because of you.”
I waited until she was about to say something before twitching my fingers at her opening.
Her mouth hung open for a moment before she regained her composure.
“Yes,” she teased and cleared her throat. I felt her hand lovingly tugging at my hair as her fingers slid into my locks and gently twisted. “Your brain’s a terrible terrible thing. You have all these dirty thoughts about, oh, I don’t know… Say... Weddings and... Love…” She said the words with practiced disdain. “Any normal girl would run,” she sighed, obviously making fun of me. “You’ve tricked me somehow, I’m certain. I guess I’m just your fool now,” she shrugged lightly, looking down on me and waiting for me to see her again. “You’re stuck with me,” she said.
“Not stuck. I'm keeping you. And you're stuck with me… forever.” I laughed like a villain in a vaudeville bit.
I pulled my hand from under her skirt and raised my thumb to my lips. “Hmmm, this is delicious. I should have had you for dinner.”
“Should’ve,” she shrugged, watching as my tongue teased my finger tip. She made a look to say: ‘cause you’re not having that now.
I felt her pushing me off and watched as she slid her legs off the couch and stood up away from me to stretch.
I watched her and she felt me doing it. That's why she took so long to stretch her arms over her head. It was all for me and that made my heart flutter like it had the first time she kissed me.
I got up and moved beside her, looking out the window at the pool. “You really should eat something.”
I checked her out again and imagined her taking me.
“If you know what I mean.”
“That so…” She asked, sizing me up. “And you think you’ve been good enough to deserve that?” She challenged defiantly. She knew all about my deep-seeded issues and ticks. In her mind, she knew I thought I was no good and of no worth. She was baiting me now with this behavior, forcing me to address my own bullshit for once.
“Or is it all about me?” She asked, changing her tune at the final moment. Some games were dangerous. “What I need.”
I had to wonder where it was all coming from.
“Are you really that confident to think you could fully satiate me?”
She was teasing. That’s exactly what this was.
Somewhere in there she’d begun to walk around me to exit the room. She was purposefully putting distance between us. That, in and of itself, was a bait.
“No, I don't think you'll ever be fully satiated.”
I followed her, tracking her progress and keeping enough distance so that I couldn't touch her.
“And I'm always bad but I'm yours if you want to take me.”
She was almost out the door and I stopped, letting her step out onto the patio before I followed after her.
“Maybe you can convince me that I deserve it.”
She stopped and I watched her body stiffen at the edge of the pool. She carefully turned in place to look at me.
“I was kidding,” she said, annoyed with me. We were really close to the glowing water and it was dark outside, hard to read exactly what it was she was feeling. I backed up instinctively, as she approached me and put her hands on me, rubbing me up and down. It was a generous grope and her eyes stayed entirely locked on mine, watching me. “You’re fucking perfect,” she said with a bit of a bite. Then I felt myself falling back before I registered what she had done.
She’d frisked me and taken my phone from my pocket. Then a full-on push happened. BOTH of her hands pushed backward, extra hard.
When I hit the water I wasn’t even thinking. I came up to the surface sputtering. Water blocked my vision and I wiped it away, just catching her walking into the guest house. She’d really done it.
I was pissed but that wasn’t the feeling that was winning. She pushed me into a pool and I fell even more in love. That bitch. I was grinning like an idiot, just staring after her. She made me feel thirty different things at once but they always combined into this crazy amalgamation of thirst and need.
I swam to the end of the pool and lifted myself out, letting the water drip off of me a little before I ran to the door. I could see her through the window, sitting on the couch. She had put music on and was flipping through a magazine.
I flung the door open and took off for the living room, waiting until I was close to jump, landing next to her on the couch. I shifted so that I was covering her body with mine and I had her back pressed into the cushions.
“Did you really think you were going to get away with that?”
I didn’t let her answer. She didn’t need to give me words. I had her. Water soaked into her dress as I kissed her, tasting the pool water from my face and hair as it invaded our kiss.
“I fucking love you,” I told her, holding her face and letting myself believe.
As usual, her strength completely dissipated as soon as I had her. She was good at playing strong. With me she’d always bow and kneel. She taught me that.
I felt her hands float up into my hair and take residency there with love as she clung onto me and tried to handle my strength.
“I’m getting you all wet,” I commented and slid my hand down her cheek.
“You’re such a brat sometimes,” she teased.
“I’m insulted.” I leaned back a little and narrowed my eyes. “But I’ll still let you take a shower with me if you admit defeat.”
I poked her side and waited to see what she would say next. She was stubborn and competitive sometimes but she might surprise me and go the other way. I loved that occasionally, she would throw me a curveball.
“What?!” She laughed.
“Do you want to take a shower with me?” I asked and cocked my head to the side.
“Are you going to carry me in there and do everything for me?” She posed. “Admitting defeat is pretty demoralizing.”
“Mmmm that sounds good. I like doing things for you,” I didn’t wait. I just moved so I could get my arms under her and use all my strength to lift her up and carry her through the living room to the bedroom and into the bathroom where I sat her on the closed lid of the toilet while I reached into the shower and turned it on.
She was looking up at me when I turned back but my eyes were drawn to the splotches of dark on her dress where the water had soaked her.
“I’m still not good at loving myself but you help me. If you love me then there must be something to it. I know that’s not easy but it’s how I feel. You’re perfect for me because of a lot of reasons but what happened out there… That was a perfect example. So, thank you.”
I crouched down and reached around to unzip her dress, pulling it down from her shoulders. I would do everything for her and I would love every second. She let me pull the dress down to her waist and then stood up when I pulled her up. The dress fell down and she was left in her underwear and bra. When those were gone I looked at her, up and down, taking my time to see every part and then I started to take my own clothes off.
“You’re stupid pretty,” she said, watching me.
“Thank you,” I said, smiling at her.
She’d seen my body so many times but it always seemed to ama
ze her. I could relate because I felt the same way about hers.
I didn’t want to be silly or clever right now. It didn’t feel right. I wanted her to know how I felt without the confusing words. I’d usually crack a joke or compliment her back but I just took what she said and absorbed it.
My pants were hard to get off. They stuck to me and I nearly tripped trying to peel them away from my skin. She didn’t move, just watched me struggle a little. I didn’t want her to help. I wanted her to let me do it.
Paper Dolls Page 10