“What matters is the truth. I can’t know your truth. I want to know. Only you can know.” She swallowed in the dark and I could hear it even though her mind was near miles from mine. “My thoughts on your thoughts can’t really come close to your truth, don’t you think?”
“Sure, but it speaks to how you see me. That’s something in itself. I can give you my feelings on things and they could change. That’s me. I’m not very static. I don’t know if that’s good or bad but it is me. I know it confuses you sometimes. I don’t go through things in a logical and linear way. I don’t get things until they get me.”
“I don’t know if I’m really confused. It’s more like I’m settled in a sort of truth about you. I used to sort of think I knew what you were thinking but now I can’t do that.”
“I think about your walls a lot…” Olivia dazed. “The things you said when we first met… Sometimes I imagine you wandering your own rooms in that castle of yours...”
“I think I know where it comes from but you doubting what I feel makes me sad. If I didn’t love you I wouldn’t stay. It’s as simple as that. It’s not just obsession or guilt or any of those other emotions that can seem like love.”
“You keep wanting to make this about love when it’s about perception,” Olivia explained. “In this moment I know you love me. But in this moment, I’m also aware that you only see what you can of me from that space of yours where you are.”
“What do I not see of you? Tell me,” I asked.
“I can’t tell you what I don’t know,” Olivia said. “I can’t really become you, Avery. I can’t see myself from your eyes or feel what you’re thinking. I can take what you say and I can notice what you feel and transcribe it in my own way but I can never become you, never really know. All I can know are the cracks that I’ve seen. You’ve shown me cracks. I know you want me to think I’m quite mistaken in this matter but I can’t.”
She stopped a second and sighed. “I didn’t mean to come back to this,” she apologized. “It’s hard to get away from right now given everything. I’ve never been scared to marry you, just scared of the day you really see all of me.”
“I want to know how you know I don’t see you?” I asked.
“That isn’t even the question though is it… What if once we’re married you see even less…” I don’t know how we got here but she found her way into a very sad space. I couldn’t control her moods and some days I feared she was a lot worse than I was mentally.
“It is part of the question. You say you can’t see yourself from my eyes and that’s right. You can’t know what I see. I see things that you don’t even know you’re letting me see. Some things you keep and I can’t see. I just know. That’s going to have to be enough for you to see that I’m not going anywhere. I’m not going to wake up one day and not be in love with you.” I was fighting her. Playing her mental game.
We were back to this but I couldn’t be upset about it anymore. It took too much energy and was a useless pursuit. She could feel however but as long as she still wanted to be with me, it would be okay.
“You might wake up one day and feel like you never knew me for some reason. We can’t tell, I guess. We only have how we feel now. I just don’t see my love going away at all. I see that even if you left me I’d still be all for you and no one else would be able to fill that.” She scoffed a laugh and moved her head to face the dark of the room. “I think our situations going in, make things a lot different for you and I.”
“Hmm, I don’t know if I like the sound of that. Different how?”
“I don’t want to keep talking about this,” she said. Like it had been me who had started it all.
“Because it’s frustrating? I’m not trying to frustrate you but I’m not sure what you want me to see or hear when you tell me that you think I think that I’m in love with you. It’s like me telling you the same thing. There are things you don’t see about me. How do you know that you really love me? That’s what I’m saying. It’s perception like you said. We can never really know but we can trust and enjoy being together.”
“Babe, if you told me that I would just laugh it off,” Olivia said. “You don’t think it makes a difference at all, how we met and what our roles were in that? You don’t think that changes us completely and informs our relationship and shapes it and changes what and how we feel about each other?”
“I think if we hadn’t met like that than it would have been the same kind of love from my end,” I explained. “It would have happened differently, of course. Variables change things, sure, but there can be a meeting of souls that happens, regardless of time and circumstance.”
“Nothing’s making sense to me right now so I think I’m just going to shut up,” Olivia said. “When I talk like this, you take what I say and jump to your own conclusions and that does frustrate me. A lot of times I wish to bite my tongue but you’re convincing. I get why you’re mad at me but I’m convinced we’re in different mental spaces. Not convinced you’ll wake up one day and say: whoopsie what have I done with my life. Just sure- that we’re different right now- going into this. I think there’s a reason I never dreamed of marriage, while you did. I think I need you to marry me because I think you need it. It’s all complicated and it’s weird to talk about, especially right now. We should’ve talked about all of these things months ago but months went by and we talked about what?!” Olivia scoffed, thinking. “I need to stop talking,” she said, upset with herself.
“You’re right we should talk about this but what does it help if you keep it to yourself? Will it pass? You’ve brought it up before. I think it’s sticking around. Of course we’re in different mental spaces and it affects how we see situations. That’s natural. Are you afraid of the fact that you can never be sure of anything? That the world and people change constantly? That’s never going to be comfortable.”
“No, I need to stop talking,” she repeated, all defeated.
“Okay, fine,” I said.
I lay there without talking, knowing that I’d messed it up but once again I didn’t know how she expected me to react.
On the other side of the bed she didn't move or speak. The night had brought us here, I guess.
I couldn’t say how long we were quiet when I heard her soft voice break the silence in a whisper.
“I’m really sorry Avery. Tonight’s just been really confusing and I shouldn’t be talking,” she sounded on the verge of tears. “I’m too emotional right now.”
“Don’t apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong. I hate that you don’t think you should talk. I like that you talk. I really do. I get emotional about it too and I think it comes off as mad but I’m not mad, baby.”
And that’s how we ended our bachelorette night. Me lying there wondering what things would be like in five years and her quiet and keeping it all in. I knew she wouldn’t just up and leave me. I think she’d probably stay in some way even if she didn’t feel the same way in the years to come.
I didn’t like that thought. I wanted her to do what she wanted but if she did leave I’d be lost. I would not let her know that if it happened. I’d wander for years before I’d ever make her feel more guilt than she would already.
I might even have to make her go. It was a longshot. I felt our love was here to stay but when she started on things like this it made me wonder. I didn’t want to wonder right now.
The Night Before
Chapter 13
Olivia
The empty cliff-house felt somehow otherworldly when we quietly entered it.
As soon as we got in I took to opening all the doors and windows and letting the strong breeze run through the unused space.
Avery turned a light on and hovered off somewhere behind me. But I knew I needed some air. I felt my body moving without me prompting it to. I was opening every door and window, making the space have movement inside. The house needed life.
When I got into the kitchen I crawled up on the counter. near the sink
. without thinking to try and pry the window open.
“Babe,” Avery laughed lovingly, coming behind me in the darkened room and pulling my wrist and my body down to lead me away from another window I could potentially spring free. “I think we have enough air,” she said.
“Yeah,” I laughed, my chest caving in while I tried to find it within the room. There could never be enough air.
I must’ve freaked her out. She hadn’t the time to turn on the other lights. She probably just stood there watching me all confused.
She took my hair in both of her hands and moved it back from my shoulders. It was hard to look at her in this space, and that had nothing to do with the lack of light the rooms currently held. I had to promise her here, really promise. And the weight of that was so very awkward and heavy. I was going to promise something I had no way to ensure. I hadn’t the right but she wanted it and I wanted it too. It was almost like: shared delusion. But I couldn’t say that to her. Neither of us could map out our lives or our feelings and predict our stable future. All we knew was right now. And wasn’t that just so frustrating?! Why didn’t that frustrate her?
I couldn’t look at her here and now, knowing how later all I’d be doing was trying to force myself to look away. I’d fail at that, I knew. Everyone would see what kind of person I was once it was actually happening. I didn’t want them to see… None of this was about anyone except her and me.
“You okay?” Avery touched my face and held me close.
“I’m freaking out a little,” I said honestly.
I’d been quiet on the drive but now that we were here I let all my thoughts invade and spin me ‘round. The ocean didn’t help with that. Our position on the cliff didn’t help. All around me was the potential for death.
That’s why I opened the windows. It wasn’t right to pretend. I wanted all the violent thoughts and the storminess to happen right now so that tomorrow I could just be normal and calm and see the better side of things. I needed that balance. Internal balance, for me, was surprisingly hard to maintain.
I didn’t want to go into this thing a wreck and so far I was completely failing at that.
Long sighs and silent musings. When the black darkness came, and it actually became the night before the night, I knew it was not about to be an easy transition. I’d kept too many thoughts at bay.
We hadn’t said many words from the time we got home from school. We quietly packed and drove out in the night. The silence was my fault, I knew. But that didn’t make it any easier to stomach.
“I can tell,” she said, coming to my side.
Her hand found mine and she walked me towards the nearest open window where the breeze was strongest.
“What’s racing around in you and giving you the panics?” Avery asked.
I pulled her in and leaned my body into hers, not wanting to say.
A lot of times my little freakouts had the potential to freak her out and she didn’t need that AT ALL.
“It just… Feels like a countdown, I guess,” I muttered.
How was I supposed to sleep tonight?
I pushed off of her, too full with restless energy. There was a bottle of reposado tequila, straight from Mexico, chilling in the fridge, I knew that from the letter we’d gotten from my mother’s friends congratulating us and urging us to use the space to our liking and not worry at all about any disasters or messes. These were the kinds of people who had so much money, I shouldn’t be afraid.
I tugged the chilled bottle of liquor out and set it down on the kitchen island while I turned back to the cupboards and opened them, searching for glasses. There were limes in a bowl and the fridge was an expensive one.
“Oh, going for the hard stuff now.” Avery stood by me and watched as I pulled a glass down and grabbed a knife out of the block to cut the lime.
“Are you drinking alone?” She wondered out loud.
“You want?” I asked, gesturing with the knife and meeting her eyes. The thought of her drunk kind of calmed me. Okay it reeeeeally calmed me. Avery was rarely drunk. In fact, I'd never actually seen her severely intoxicated. The night of the Skylar kiss wasn't alcohol, it was something else. And Avery never drank as much as me, not ever.
“Why not,” she shrugged.
She got another glass form the same place I’d found mine and set it down, waiting for me to pour.
“You sure? If you’re sick tomorrow, during our wedding, I’ll be really bummed out.”
“Yeah, it’ll be okay. I’m not going to get that drunk.”
“Have you ever been drunk without passing out?” I asked. I was sort of teasing but also a bit worried about giving her what I would want. I thought again about the vague stories she’d told me about her past. The parties… The hookups… The raves...
“Maybe twice. Um. Okay, once. Most of the time it was people buying me drinks so I didn’t really count them. This is different.”
“Okay,” I said, instantly cheering up. “You’re getting less than me.”
“No fair,” she pouted.
I made both drinks really quickly. They were strong. Maybe too strong but I wanted to feel that burning headiness. For Avery’s I definitely cut the alcohol content in half. I loved a good tequila. I didn’t often drink it but when I did I always enjoyed it. I hadn’t had much good alcohol last night with Nat.
Avery took hers and sipped it, her face puckering from the taste of the liquor.
“Jesus!”
She breathed out and I smelled the booze on her breath. I knew I’d taste it so strong when I kissed her.
“This is strong,” she commented.
“Umm,” I scoffed. “Yours really isn’t,” I laughed. “But Tequila is a strong taste and I can dilute it if you want. There’s some lemonade in there with sugar. Would you want that?”
“No, this is fine. It just surprised me is all,” Avery replied.
I downed my drink, steady and quick, not pausing, but, taking it in- in a continuous strand of carefully timed gulps, unaffected by the twang of the tequila. I knew I’d feel it once I let myself breathe through my mouth but that wasn’t right now. It was so smooth. The perfect sign of a dangerous liquor. It was delicious. It should not be trusted but I wanted to not think anymore.
Every part of me knew it was better to savor it, drink it slow, but right now I made an executive decision to calm the fuck down.
“Slow down, babe,” Avery’s voice mixed well with the burn in my throat as I gasped. I liked the contrast. She was sweet and the aftertaste was surprisingly bitter. The combination dazzled and pleased. “You’re gonna get so drunk if you keep going like that.”
I shrugged. I knew what I was doing.
I watched as Avery took another drink, this one bigger, and she managed to swallow it down.
“Don’t you want me drunk?!” I joked. “The more you drink the less you’ll notice the taste.” My teasing was dry, just like my mother’s usually was.
I shouldn’t be encouraging Avery but I wanted to. When I’d decided on a drink I hadn’t thought that she would join me but this was better.
I started to make myself another drink and watched as she made some headway on hers. The way she sipped was so cute.
“I’m not sure that’s a good thing,” she said.
It was a good thing right now. I needed these feelings settled. I finished my drink with a squeeze of lime and stirred it.
She still had a third of hers left when I took my first drink. She watched me take another big gulp. I knew she would probably get drunk off just two. It would take considerably more for me and that’s why my drinks packed a punch.
“I just wanted my nerves to calm down,” I said, already feeling a bit of a spin as my eyes darted around in the half-light. I actually began to feel the cold wind emanating in off from somewhere else. We were on top of the world in some respect.
I leaned back on the counter and shut my eyes as the effect of the alcohol began to kick in.
“I’ve been fe
eling off all afternoon,” I confessed.
“Oh?” Avery finished her drink and sat it down, motioning for me to fill it up again. “Off how?”
“My thoughts,” I said. “My nerves.”
I moved to her glass and only put a small amount of tequila inside.
I turned to the fridge but she stopped me.
“I want what you’re having,” she said, determined. I couldn’t tell if she was trying to stop me from momentarily drowning myself or what. The potential sabotage momentarily upset me.
“Okay,” I said. I noticed though, when I went to pour her glass like mine, it was hard and my hands shook near the end. This was about more than just one night like this, it was about all nights and doing everything as a team.
Paper Dolls Page 23