by Haddon, Mark
~
He had never really loved his wife, not with acute, debilitating passion, the kind that was lionized and sung about. He had become fonder of her over the years, and more attached. She did nice things for him – made him sandwiches to take to work, buying replacement toothbrushes when the bristles on the current one began to splay. Other men found her attractive; colleagues often commented on his good fortune, and Richard had had a thing about her for years. Richard always remembered her birthday, procuring thoughtful and not inexpensive gifts, taking her side in quarrels, though there weren’t many. Objectively, she was a catch, but he’d never felt dizzyingly emotional about her. He’d never tortured himself with the idea that she might leave, or stop loving him, that she was irreplaceable.
The first thing he’d really liked about her was her name. Evie. Like a 40’s starlet. He’d had a spell of dating women with interesting names, in and after university: Lola, Oriana, Kiki, Simone. They were never as interesting or free-spirited as their names suggested. He’d expected vivacity and petulance, oblique intelligence, someone who would perhaps be difficult to manage, but fascinating and worth any trouble, inspiring something torrid in him, lust leaning towards deviancy; someone who would cancel out the desire to upgrade, someone with whom he could experiment and live interestingly.
Good crazy, rather than bad crazy, that’s what you want, Richard had said. A fantasy woman. But it’s bullshit. You keep getting them to fall for you, then cutting a swathe. It’s ridiculous.
And he had gone through a number of them, telling himself he was on a romantic quest. They were all trying for unique jobs – dance therapists, writers. Often they wore clothes that suggested originality, unusualness: red chiffon shirts with showing-through bras, men’s brogues, even rebellious vintage fur tippets They were confident at first, sometimes conceited. He encouraged them to audition for the part, which gave them license. Once the novelty of the sex wore off, once they failed to be uniquely talented, he struggled to make a connection. Under the faux exoticism, they wanted husbands, money, three-storey town houses. Or they really were fucked up. By six weeks he was usually disappointed or bored. Or things had exploded.
The last – Simone, the childrens’ musician – had proved disastrous. After her various antics and tantrums, he’d tried to faze her out. She’d turned up at his door, incensed, had made an aggressive pass, and they’d gone to bed. The following day, after he explained his position, she accused him of trying to get her pregnant, dragging him to the doctor’s for the morning-after pill, and making him watch her ‘miscarry’.
By the time he met Evie he’d given up on the idea of exceptionality. They met at a Christmas party – Richard’s. She was lively; the men in the room were crowded around her. He introduced himself to those in the group he didn’t know, weighed her. She was copper-haired and trim, bright hazel eyed, but not stunning. She didn’t have a bone structure that suggested lifelong beauty. They danced. She moved well, neat but suggestively. Her eyes were big and pretty. He could tell Richard liked her, even then. Richard kept bringing a bottle over and offering to top them up, trying to join the conversation.
Their dates were pleasant. Evie was pleasant. She smiled a lot and dressed well. He liked that other men were attracted to her. There was no sulking or ego maintenance. In a way it was a welcome compromise after the extreme terrain he had attempted. But she wasn’t stupid. She could tell he was withholding, he was making no declarations; there was no obvious lovers’ trajectory. It came up one night in a restaurant and he told her he wasn’t sure exactly how he felt about her. He didn’t feel anything tremendously, for anyone. There was an argument, un-shouted, but definitely an argument.
I don’t move you in any great way then? she asked. What am I, wallpaper? Just there in the room?
No. Listen it doesn’t affect the relationship, he said. We’re having a good time.
Are you mad? Of course it does. I want more than that. Who wouldn’t?
She’d stood up, unhurriedly, gathered her coat, and left. It was a superior, graceful exit. He’d tried to phone her but she ignored the messages. She started dating someone else soon after; he heard about it from Richard, who’d stayed in touch with her. This bothered him; no, it piqued him. He couldn’t stop thinking about her and the new lover. He wondered if his emotions had been lagging, or had been masked. He’d lasted two weeks and then he was on her doorstep, saying he couldn’t be without her, asking her to marry him. He almost convinced himself. By the end of evening they’d had sex several times - it was as close to anything meaningful he’d ever felt - and they were engaged. It all played out. They married. They bought a house. It was fine.
~
He remained angry for the rest of the day. He washed the car. He fixed the puncture on his bike. He stayed outside as much as he could. Evie lazed about the house eating sweets, listening to the radio and flicking through magazines. When he spied on her through the window she didn’t seem to be unhappy or brooding. She made cups of tea at intervals. She painted her nails. Whatever was going on, she was clearly capable of holding out. He was angry, but he was interested too.
In the afternoon it began to drizzle, the wind got up and a proper shower arrived, darkening the tarmac driveway. He got sick of the oily stone-floor smell of the garage and the glum bare bulb overhead, so he went inside. He made a quick circuit of the lower floor. Evie was not there. He could hear faint noises from the bedroom television upstairs. Halfway up he paused and listened. There was a rhythmic sound, alternating between a purr and a wail - female. After a moment it became clear what it was. He moved across the landing and opened the bedroom door. She was lying on the bed, on her side, naked, her hand between her legs. The laptop was at the end of the bed. He couldn’t see the screen but he could hear the slapping of flesh, the groaning.
What’s going on?
She kept her eyes on the film.
I found this site. Her voice was low, distracted. I like this one best.
A burning sensation rose up his neck. His chest was flurrying. He waited a moment, then went over to the bed. On the screen a man was fucking a woman from behind. His fingers were gripping her buttocks, indenting her flesh. There were tremors in her body every time he thrust. The camera angle showed the penis moving in and out, glistening. The image was mesmerizing. And embarrassing. Not because he hadn’t seen anything like it before - he was all too familiar - but because his wife was in the room, watching.
I like this bit, she said.
The man on the screen pulled out of the woman. She presented herself, wider. Her genitals were depilated, the flesh dark purple. The man knelt, put his face between her legs and began to tongue the crease. Evie rolled on her back, held her head up so she could still see the screen.
Take your clothes off, she said.
He was aching painfully. He had forgotten everything else. The automatic took over. He undid his jeans, pulled them down, pulled his unbuttoned shirt over his head. He wrestled out of his briefs. Evie knelt up. They did not kiss. She crouched and took him into her mouth. He looked down at her back, past it to the screen, where the man was pushing apart the cheeks of the woman and re-entering, higher. After a few moments Evie took her mouth away, moved back and turned round. He was rough with her. He wanted to slap her. He didn’t understand any of it, but it didn’t matter, everything had become reasonless. She was moaning. The other woman was moaning. A visceral harmonic. On the screen the man was pulling the woman’s hair so hard that she was rearing upwards, her back bent at an extraordinary angle. He knew he would come soon. Between sounds, Evie was saying things that made no sense, some kind of rapturous, blurted language. Then:
Do that if you want. Do that to me.
He put his hand into Evie’s hair, made a fist and pulled. He was breathing so hard he felt crazed. He pulled out and repositioned. He made a series of small movements. The muscle clenched and then relaxed. He worked himself in, began to move. The knowledge of its happening was exqu
isite. It was too much. He felt himself spasm, noise blared from his mouth, and he slumped against her.
They lay for a while, the film ended, and then he gently moved away. Evie reached over and scrolled through the contents page of the site. He looked at the mess on the sheets, pleased, mystified. Something unbelievable had happened.
It happened every night, and in the mornings, before work. They did not always watch pornography, though often she wanted to. It began with her instigating, but then he realized there was ongoing permission. For anything. They tried different ways. It was deliberate and seemed necessary, as if the arrangement required new terms. They videoed themselves on the digital camera. He saw a man like him performing oral sex, licking slowly, then frantically; he watched his wife handling herself with no inhibition. He didn’t recognize the woman staring straight into the lens. She did not want foreplay or romance. She wanted candid and carnal exchange. While it happened she spoke mad words, unconsciousness.
It’s inside the daylight. Making each other wet. It’s all the way in. In.
There was something almost shamanic about it. She looked as if she was trancing, her pupils blown, as if the act had been incanted and was unstoppable. The expression of confused pleasure and fear and drive was spectacular. Her breasts were heavier and swung beneath her, or juddered when she was on her back. What excited him most was when she talked about other people joining them, another man.
Oh, God, both of you inside me. I’ll do anything, anything. I’ll do anything.
I’ll watch him fucking your pussy. I want to see you ride him, make him come all over you.
The rules were gone. It easy to say these things; easy to undo himself. They’d suddenly found each other, through irrepression, means he did not quite understand. Her age, hormones, a revival of some lost appetite, the arrival of a new one; it didn’t matter, he didn’t care. He wanted to get close to her. She was on fire. She was lit up.
Towards the end of the third week he noticed she was damaged and bleeding and asked if she was sore. It didn’t matter, she said. She wanted to carry on feeling this way; her body finally knew what it was meant for. She made him, again. There was more blood, an alarming streak up her rump and on the sheets. He didn’t want to stop but there was something wrong. A person did not become so extreme without cause. While she took a bath he searched through her bag, for what he wasn’t sure, drugs perhaps, prescription or otherwise. Lipsticks, tissues, chocolate wrappers, a discreet white vibrator, which he hadn’t known she owned. There was a letter from her work. She’d been cautioned for inappropriate behaviour in the office. When she came out of the bathroom he asked about it.
You dropped this. It says you’ve been saying things to other members of staff. Is that true?
I don’t know what the bloody problem is, she said, throwing the wet towel onto the bed. They’re just so boring, so glass. They don’t get it.
Don’t get what?
What you have to do. You’ve got to make it happen whenever you can.
Make what happen?
I can’t explain it speaking, Alex. Come and lie down.
He lay next to her on the bed. She put his hand between her legs. He took hold of her wrist.
No, come on, he said, softly. Try to explain, Evie. What’s going on?
Don’t be angry.
Then she began to cry. Short rapid busts, without tears. She sounded almost like a baby. A lump rose in his throat. What was coming? He put his arms round her and held her. The flesh on her stomach was plump and warm. She’d become a baroque version, a decadent. The crying did not last long. She did not wind down, but suddenly sat up, the distress forgotten, bright-eyed.
I tried to get Karl to sleep with me. Then I asked Toby. You weren’t there. I wanted you to be, but you were at work.
What?
Will you help me? I have to know how if feels. I can’t stop thinking about it.
About what?
Her face was hovering in front of him; open, beguiling, altered.
You and me and someone else.
He had known she was going to say it; the scenario had featured too strongly, too mutually in their role-play to be insignificant. She had decided to live forwardly, his wife, without limit or reproach. And she had taken him with her. But he knew too that there was a line, over which, if they passed, there was no coming back. The dynamic would always be changed; they would be beyond themselves.
Please. I want to. It would be amazing. Like a sun in us. It tastes like, I can taste it burning.
She put her hand to her mouth with a sharp intake of breath, as if scalded.
You say these things, Evie. They make no sense.
I have to do it. We only live. We only live, Alex. Such a tiny thing. I know how to feel. This is the truth. Do you believe me?
She moved close to him again. She put her hands on his face. Her eyes. Electrical green, and gold, powering the irises.
You choose. You choose who. You bring him. I’ll do anything you want.
In her gaze was something retrograde, pure, un-constructed desire. Somehow she had dismantled everything. She was more beautiful than he had seen.
Why is it the truth? What is it?
I don’t know. It’s a gift.
~
He convinced Richard to come out for a few drinks midweek. Richard asked where Evie was.
Busy. Joining us later, was all he could say.
Which sounded chary; they never deliberately excluded her. He was drinking quickly, nervously. He knew it had to be spontaneous, natural, Richard would never agree otherwise. He looked at his friend across the table in the pub. He couldn’t imagine it. They’d been roommates at university but he’d never really heard any explicit details about girlfriends from Richard, or witnessed moments of intimacy. Perhaps going with a stranger would have been better, but that seemed reckless. He bought them both another pint and then a whisky.
Whoa there, slow down, Richard said. I’m going to get hammered. I am hammered.
Yeah, sorry. Just wanted to cut loose a bit. I tell you what, let’s leave these. Come back to ours and we’ll have a nightcap with Evie?
I thought she was coming here?
No. Come on.
They left the pub and walked back towards the house. They walked without coats. The air was warm. The world seemed looser.
You and Evie are OK though?
Really great. Revolutionary!
Oh. Good. God, I haven’t felt this drunk in a while, Richard said. Thought you were getting me loaded so you could confess something bad. Like an affair. I’d have killed you.
No, he said. Just fancied a fun night. We’re not that old yet.
True.
The lights were on downstairs when they arrived, but Evie was not around. He called up, saying Richard was here for a drink. He was numb enough to make an attempt, but was sure he sounded like a bad actor, overdoing lines, like the hammy utilitarian films Evie had been watching. He didn’t know how she would play it. She’d been so direct, so layerless lately, it was possible she’d scare Richard by moving too quickly. Whatever was in her now used no subtlety. They’d talked about what might happen, what kind of lover Richard might be, how receptive, but the truth was there was no predicting; shock, disgust, willingness. They were gambling.
She came downstairs wearing a nightgown, her hair wet, as if just washed. She smiled at them both. The room seemed charged. Precognition. It was going to work.
Richard, she said. She kissed him on both cheeks and then on the mouth, playfully, laughing.
Richard’s face was flushed, from the beer, the walk, from the pleasure of seeing the woman he cared for. She sat down on the couch and began to talk in the way she did now, synaptically, brilliant and baffling. She had uneven, intense theories about life. She was impressionistic. He could see Richard listening, trying to follow, enjoying her. He left them and went into the kitchen and took a bottle from the wine rack. He uncorked it, poured and drank a glass, then brou
ght the glasses and bottle into the lounge.
Let’s have a really good night, he said, too loudly.
They drank the bottle and opened another. It was fun, it was ridiculous, they played stupid games, Evie flirted with them both, he and Richard conspired. She leant against their legs, against their chests. She dropped the shoulder of her gown and showed Richard a small new tattoo. It began soon after. It began almost unnoticeably, like a season, a regime. It was unreal and then it became serious. The protests - there were only a few from Richard, of, we should stop now, come on guys, this is madness - were over-ridden. Evie reassured him. He reassured him. Once she was unveiled, once Richard saw her, allowed her to take his hand and place it, once he began to believe there was nothing prohibitive, even in himself, that there was just love, everything accelerated. The laughter died away. They were clumsy and aroused. Richard was surprisingly confident. There were no condoms; they knew each other. It went on for a few hours, each of them took turns. She always invited the other back in. He wanted to watch from the chair; he watched her being touched, grasped, opened, watched her responding. He began to understand: jealously was only desire; it was wanting to do what he could see was being done to his wife. They went upstairs and fell asleep. Once he woke to see Richard going down on Evie. It was amazing to see, more sensual than anything he’d imagined. He reached over. He felt ill and elated. They were still drunk but there was clarity. They slept, woke. He remembered a moment, or he was in a moment, when Evie was bent over in front of him; he was moving behind her, Richard was kneeling in front and she had him in her mouth. The two of them were joined by Evie’s body. They were facing each other. It would be all right afterwards.
He slept again. The next time he woke it was because Richard was calling his name and hitting him on the shoulder. White dawn light. His head was splitting, his mouth tasted evilly bitter.
Alex!
He looked over. Evie was lying on her front on the bed, her legs apart, jerking. She was making long, low sounds, bellows, almost cow-like.