“I thought the one inside the simulator was the real you, but now I don’t know.”
I hesitated on the last word, hoping not to offend him.
He sighed and ran a hand through his hair like he was under stress.
“You’ve put me in an awkward situation Vera Matsumoto.”
I nodded, fully aware of what that was. After all, I was his death sentence.
I reached out a hand and took one of his. He didn’t resist, but he watched me with a guarded expression as if he wasn’t sure what I was doing. No wonder he looked worried. I had killed a man. I was a murderer. Anyone in their right mind would be uncomfortable if a murderer touched them. I tried to keep the contact brief.
“I’m sorry, Roman. I’ll do my best not to make it too difficult for you.”
He nodded stiffly and looked disappointed. That made absolutely no sense. Why would he be disappointed? I mentally chalked it up as just one more of his more confusing actions.
“I need a shower,” I said, and left for our quarters without looking to see if he would follow.
THE EX-PACIFIST: 17
I SPENT THE REST OF the day in my room, thinking and reading the files again and again, trying to memorize every detail. I was going to need them if Roman and I were going to succeed. Who knew what tiny fact might be the tipping point in the end. Roman and I ate a quiet dinner when it was sent to us.
“Did you ever think of becoming Empress, Vera?” he asked, as we were eating.
His comment came out of nowhere and I almost choked on my food and ended up coughing before I could answer.
“Don’t be silly. I’m the Emperor’s cousin, not his child.”
He smirked at my coughing fit, but put down his fork to continue. “Really? Think about it, Vera. He has no children and you’re his uncle’s daughter. If he died, you’d have as much of a right to the throne as anyone.”
“Impossible.”
“You really don’t even see that as a possibility, do you? They’ve programmed you so perfectly.”
I flinched at his thoughts. I wasn’t programmed. Obviously. If I was brainwashed I would never have killed Haverman. I felt a chill at that. My new identity was based in my crime. I tried to ignore the sick feeling in my stomach, and concentrated on swirling my vegetables around with my fork.
“You’re all Ambassadors. You’re off planet all the time. You can’t gain a support base or the people’s affections. Whoever designed your Empire was a mastermind. You couldn’t choose otherwise if you wanted to.”
“I believe I was destined to be the voice of the Emperor and to protect the people of Blackwatch.”
What was he getting at?
“I believe in choice,” he said. “Mine was taken away from me.”
I didn’t answer at first. Finally, I said what kept ringing in my head, even though I wasn’t sure if I believed it or not. “Maybe mine was, too. At least until I broke the law.”
He looked at me again, one of those long piercing looks, and then nodded as if I had satisfied him somehow. That confused me. Disappointment I understood, but satisfaction made no sense in this situation.
After that we ate in silence, both consumed by our own thoughts, and I chose to head for bed early for the second time in a row. I felt his eyes lingering on me when I left the room and I wondered if I was somewhere in those deep thoughts of his.
I went to sleep that night with the first sense of peace I’d had since Edward died. My last thought as I drifted off to sleep was of our last run through the simulations. Thinking about that should have been troubling, but it was oddly calming to me to remember him so clearly. I replayed what he had said, and how he had looked. It had been a hard day for me and a disillusioning one, but it was still far sweeter than the days I was living in now.
I drifted easily into dreamland. It was one of those dreams that are so vivid you feel like you aren’t dreaming at all. Our starship had made it to Capricornia and I was searching for Denise, except there were two of her in the dream. Both of them were in Capricornia the whole time, though. One minute I’d be talking to someone at the hotel lounge, while one of them was clearly seen across the street. I’d chase after her, only to lose her in a crowd. Then I’d be at a nearby restaurant. I’d walk into the restroom and find them both there, looking at me like I was interrupting something important. I’d reach for them, and they’d vanish. Edward was with me, sharing my frustration, only he couldn’t see them and I could.
“Edward, they’re right here!” I called to him, but he just stumbled through the dreamy mists like he couldn’t see them. I was torn between chasing them or staying with Edward. His feet moved so slowly, that he constantly held me back.
I followed both Denises into a shuttle going back to New Greenland, and even though I knew they were on the shuttle I searched every inch of it and couldn’t find them. The shuttle didn’t land at New Greenland, though. It landed in the gardens behind Haverman’s house. I had a strange sense of déjà vu as I looked out over the sea, scanning in every direction for them. Then I caught a glimpse of them. They were drinking red cocktails and threading their way through the crowd.
I followed after them, but I was blocked on every side by milling guests. They crowded in on me, pushing and fighting to keep me out. I struggled my way slowly towards where I lost sight of them, dragging Edward in my wake.
“Do you see them? Do you see them?” I kept asking him, the answer was always a negative. His face looked confused.
Finally we arrived at the huge French doors leading into the library. A part of me was repelled, not wanting to enter, but my feet kept going. Inside both Denises were lying on the floor in a widening pool of blood. I opened my mouth to scream, and Haverman was beside me. He held the gun to my head, smiled a horrible smile and pulled the trigger.
Edward! I screamed through the channel as hard as I could. Somehow I wasn’t dead. I was lying on the floor with the two Denises. I couldn’t move, but I could watch. Edward walked to the closed library door. He looked horrified, as he pounded on the door. Bang! Bang! Bang! It was loud and staccato. I was willing him to come to me with every thought.
Edward, please Edward! Help me! Help!
I saw Haverman creep up behind him. His face grew dark as he pulled the trigger. There was nothing I could do. I saw Edward fall to the ground with a ghastly expression on his face. His blood leaked under the door and flowed into the library to mix with mine.
I felt my tears begin. I was sobbing violently, not sure whether I was awake or asleep. My head was muzzy. I was dead, wasn’t I? But I couldn’t be dead. I felt strange arms around me and the soft sound of someone speaking my name. My eyes popped open and I squinted in the sudden light.
Roman was there, holding me…or rather, I was clinging to him, my face pressed against his chest.
“Roman?” I asked, my voice thick with tears.
“It’s OK, Vera. It’s OK,” he said, soothingly with relief in his voice.
I felt like a child – so small, so vulnerable.
“How are you here?” I asked. How did he know what I was dreaming? How did he know what was happening?
“You were screaming Edward’s name though our channel. It woke me up.” There was a hint of humor mixed with frustration in his tone.
“Oh, I didn’t realize. I was dreaming.” That must have been a nasty way to wake up, with someone screaming into your head.
“I didn’t know you could do that to me.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know it could happen either. It never has before.” It wasn’t much of an explanation. What would he think of me? Would he think that I was always this pathetic? I didn’t want him to think I was one of those women, who always needed constant attention and consoling. I was strong and capable, not some lace-hankie damsel in distress.
“You must think I’m an idiot,” I said, pulling away with an embarrassed flush. “Please go back to sleep.”
“No.” His arms tightened around me. “I woul
dn’t be able to sleep anyhow. You cry yourself to sleep at night, but this is the first time you’ve called to me.”
“I didn’t know it would happen,” I repeated myself. In fact, now that I thought about it, I realized that I had never heard of it happening between a guardian and a Matsumoto. Maybe we had a different bond somehow.
“I know what it’s like to lose someone.”
I nodded, understanding what he meant. His parents. Edward- who was basically my parent. I clung to his chest, so happy for the physical contact that I didn’t care that I looked foolish.
“I’m so sorry, Roman,” I said huskily, shaking my head side to side, trying to clear my tears. “You shouldn’t have to deal with this. You shouldn’t have to guard a screw up – a murderer. ”
“What are you talking about?” he asked, as if he honestly didn’t get it.
“You don’t have to pretend, Roman. I know how you must feel. Your whole life is hanging in the balance and you’re stuck with a traitor and a murderer.”
He pushed me away, almost violently, holding my shoulders with his hands.
“Is that what you think, that I hate you?”
Of course he did! What a silly question. I gave him an aggressive look, trying to cover hurt with defiance.
“Of course you do. Everyone does. I’m on my way to my own execution and I deserve it. I’m just really, truly sorry that you had to be dragged into it.”
He looked shocked and then immediately angry.
“You are such a Matsumoto!” He spat the words at me. “Is that what you really think? Really?”
He shook me slightly, and I felt a few more tears spill out of my almond shaped eyes.
“Of course,” I said, humiliated that he was pushing me to state it right out there for him to tear apart. My chest felt heavy and my breathing was difficult.
“You killed a man?”
I nodded.
“In self-defence?”
I nodded again.
“After he already killed two other people? And one of them was someone you loved who was supposed to protect you?”
I was sick of nodding, but I was choked up and couldn’t speak, so I nodded again.
“What kind of idiot culture have you people created?” He sounded disgusted.
I looked up at him, trying for defiance, but feeling fear worm its way through my stomach. I felt so wide open, and vulnerable.
“You’re sixteen years old.” I tried to interrupt, but he kept talking. “No, let me speak! You - sixteen and helpless as a songbird, are thrown in with a criminal like Haverman to do business with him. He kills two strong men and in an urge of self-preservation you kill a truly wicked man who is trying to kill you. And now you are treated like a pariah. You are expected to go quietly to your own execution and not cause a fuss. What idiot invented this culture?”
I hardly knew what to say. I was stunned that he didn’t hate me. I answered with the only thing I could think of.
“I’m a Matsumoto.”
“Damn the Matsumotos!” he spat, “That doesn’t make you a god. It makes you a - yes, honourable, but no, not murderous - teenager who should have been better protected by her family. You made a choice.”
I cut him off here. I wanted to argue, just to hear him defend me.
“A bad choice!”
“No,” he said, and his face was only inches from mine. His hands tightened their grip around my shoulders and I could see the passion in his eyes as he contradicted me and feel the warmth of his breath in my face with every word. “It wasn’t wrong to defend yourself. Deep down you know that. Maybe they condemn you in your Empire because it goes against their tradition, but soul deep it isn’t wrong. Why should you have died so that Haverman could keep on killing? On another world they would have given you a medal.”
I thought he was exaggerating, but his faith in me was contagious and intoxicating. I didn’t want to let it go. Please let it be true!
“How can you know that it was right?” I asked, daring him and desperate in the same breath.
“I know.” His words were like rock, they were so hard. “You know me, and I say it’s so. Trust me, Vera.”
I didn’t know what to think. Maybe he was wrong, but I was getting tired of trying to figure out what was right and wrong anymore.
“I trust you.” I said it like a vow, and maybe it was one.
He nodded, and as the fire left his eyes his shoulders slumped slightly in a way that brought out his youth again. After all his fierceness and certainty it was strange to see a sliver of vulnerability slip out from behind his façade.
He waited a moment, looking in my eyes with that mix of vulnerability and determination. His lips parted slightly, and with them so close to mine, I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to kiss him. A moment later, though, he had pulled away and released my shoulders.
“You badly need sleep. I’ll be just on the other side of the door. Call if you need me,” his smile turned ironic, “and just so you know, my name is ‘Roman’, not ‘Edward’.”
I gave him a half smile as I lay back down on the bed, exhausted. I tried to sort out what I was thinking, but in just a few breaths I was fast asleep.
THE EX-PACIFIST: 18
WHEN CAPTAIN TRAVERS ANNOUNCED OVER the intercom that we had reached Capricornian orbit, I wasn’t the only one who was excited. Roman had a lighter step as we made our way to the bridge, and there was a feeling of pent up energy in the crew members we encountered along the way.
It was the first time I had been to the bridge since the tour of the ship. I had tried to keep out from under the crew’s feet, but now Captain Travers invited me to join him. There would be discussions with the planetary security personnel and my presence was essential.
When we reached the double doors to the bridge, the guards made way for us to go through. One look at their faces reminded me of why I had stayed so secluded. They were trying to look passive, but it was coming off as barely concealed contempt. I kept my head high and tried to ignore them. For a moment, Roman’s words echoed in my head “On another world they would have given you a medal.”
The bridge was quiet with the quiet that comes from intense concentration and focus. The crew sat at their stations, carefully tapping their screens or manipulating the holo-prompters. I moved towards what I remembered was the communications area. To my right, the navigation and piloting officers were linked into a holo-image and I didn’t want to break their focus. Communications seemed a little less intimidating.
Captain Travers was already speaking to someone planetside in a video conference and I heard his voice rising in mild frustration.
“Yes, Officer Cavendish, I am the Captain of the Grey Pelican inbound from the Blackwatch Empire. I have aboard Ambassador Vera Matsumoto who wishes to investigate the disappearance of Ambassador Denise Matsumoto. You should be expecting us. Her trip details have already been cleared by your government.”
“If the Ambassador is really aboard I will speak to her directly.”
“Officer, I am more than capable of handling her transportation without her direct involvement.”
“If you want to put anyone on our planet, you will follow our directives,” the officer shot back.
Got to love bureaucracy.
At that moment Captain Travers noticed me and the look of relief in his eyes was obvious.
See, someone’s glad to see you, Vera. Roman sounded amused.
“I have the Ambassador here, Officer. Please stand by.” Captain Travers motioned me forward. I sat at the console and tried to convey my most professional, no nonsense attitude.
“You needed to speak to me, Officer…?”
“Officer Cavendish, ma’am, Planetary Protocols.” Oh great. The Capricornians love protocols. There was an entire document about it in the files I’d been given.
“What can I help you with, Officer?”
“I’ll need a copy of your official letters of transit, miss.”
/> Miss? Roman sounded as offended as I felt.
“That will be ‘Ms. Matsumoto,’ or ‘Ambassador,’ Officer Cavendish. We will send the letters down immediately.” I glanced towards the communications officer, who barely kept from rolling her eyes. Obviously she and Captain Travers had already gone over this.
“Will that be all, Officer? I am eager to be about my work here,” I said. I didn’t like little snots throwing their weight around. He didn’t need to talk to me or Captain Travers or anyone except the communications officer. Our plans had already been approved by the Planetary Overseer’s office.
“The Planetary Overseer’s office has sent me a packet to forward on to you outlining where you will be staying and your itinerary for the next two weeks. I am sending the upload now. Any divergence from this plan will have to go either through the Planetary Overseer’s office or through the Planetary Protocols office,” he flashed a slightly self-deprecating little smile, “and that would be me.”
Jerk. I couldn’t help but share my thoughts through the channel. Roman responded with a quick flash of mental assent. It made me snort lightly under my breath. There were some things we were in one hundred percent agreement on.
“We will review your packet, Officer Cavendish.”
“Once you have sent your assent to our instructions you may land on Capricornia, Ambassador, but only those listed may land. Everyone not listed on the guest list must remain with your ship. The ship is to orbit around our sister planet Elflora and must not break that orbit without direct permission from the Planetary Protocols office. Is that understood?”
Doesn’t the little bug know we could crush his whole planet?
I assumed that by ‘we’ Roman meant the Blackwatch Empire. It was funny how he trotted out the ‘we’ when it suited him.
Back water planets always like to throw their weight around when an Ambassador visits. They feel like we have the higher ground and it makes them feel weak and impotent. All but the most civilized get like this.
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