“What are you doing here, Vera?” Denise asked.
“You’ve been missing for weeks. Nigel sent me to find where you’d gotten to,” I said gently.
“The last thing I remember was kayaking off a waterfall. You’re telling me that was weeks ago?”
“Yes, but don’t worry Denise, you probably don’t want those memories.”
She nodded distractedly. “I love Capricornia, Vera. It’s the most amazing place. You should see the parties!”
I cast a worried glance towards the medic, who shrugged. Maybe she was still in shock. Or maybe Eads had done worse to her brain than just erase a few memories. My brow furrowed.
“Will you be ok here, Denise?” I need to get back to Roman.”
“I’ll be fine,” she said, settling into her cot. “Thanks for checking in on me! I’ll be sure to ask Jack to invite you to the next party.”
I left her to go back to my waiting. Someone settled into the chair across from me and I looked up to see Ian sprawled there. He smiled at me.
“You look tired, Ambassador.”
“Mmmm,” I said, rubbing at my eyes. When did I last sleep?
“You should get some sleep.” I could hear tension in his voice, but right now I had more on my mind than easing his fears.
“I’m waiting,” I said shortly.
“Oh yes, for that guard of yours, right? I always forget about him.”
Yes, Ian, you do. Funny that, when you thought about it. Roman had been so much a part of my thinking in the last weeks that I could hardly think at all without thinking of him, but Ian never seemed to notice him. How could the man be so blind? Sure, Roman was quiet, but it was like not noticing mountains just because they don’t make a lot of noise. Silly.
Ian cleared his throat, obviously realizing that I wasn’t going to provide the conversation. “Your Emperor is coming here?”
“Our Emperor, now,” I corrected. After a moment I relented. “Don’t worry, it’s standard protocol.”
“What will he do with us, Vera?”
I knew what he was asking.
“He’ll give you hope in a more legal manner, although you might find that it dents your pride some.”
He nodded. “You mean he’ll expose us.”
“Yes, but he’ll also save you.” I leaned forward, trying to summon what energy I had left – this was important. “Overseer, your people do need scientific help. Your father was right about that, but you need a legal, ethical kind of help. The Emperor will give you that, and more. Our associated worlds enjoy certain privileges. You may not feel like it now, but this is good for your world.”
He smiled a soft, tentative smile.
“Afterwards, where will you go?”
“Where I’m sent.”
“And what about me?” he asked, chewing a lip nervously.
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “But Nigel has always been fair. I’m sure that whatever he decides will be just.”
“What about my father?” Ian had the grace to blush. “I still care about him, Vera, but I was smart enough to know that this is what would happen if he kept messing with things he shouldn’t. You know I had nothing to do with all of that.”
I nodded, too tired to argue.
“Sure Ian,” I said. “We’ll talk about all this later.”
He looked uncomfortable and I realized I still hadn’t answered his first question.
“I’m not sure about your father. Nigel is just, but he isn’t known for being very forgiving.” I tried to give him a compassionate look, but I wasn’t sure if it came across that way. I couldn’t deal with this right now, so I leaned back into my uncomfortable chair and closed my eyes. A moment later I heard a light footfall, and when I peeked between my lids Ian was gone.
After a while I caught myself nodding to sleep. I tried to fight it, and I thought I had succeeded, but the next thing I knew a gentle hand was shaking me awake. My eyes shot open and I was instantly alert.
“Yes?” I asked, trying to get my bearings. The man in front of me was dressed like a surgeon.
“I’m Doctor Rubinez, the Grey Pelican’s surgeon.”
I nodded blearily.
“We have him stabilized. He’s still in serious condition, and we can’t have anyone going in there, but we’ll keep you updated, Ambassador.”
I nodded again, dumbly.
“You should go to bed, Ambassador. The anesthetics I’ve given him will keep him under for eight hours at least. He’ll need that as his leg is being rebuilt.”
“I have to wait. I have to see him.”
The doctor sighed. He must have seen the stubbornness in my eyes. “Usually it’s the guardians that won’t leave your sides. I suppose once in a while the tables turn, eh?”
I nodded mutely.
“Fine. But only for a moment.”
I stumbled along behind him as he led the way into the medical bay. Roman was in a room of his own. It was silent except for Roman’s labored breathing. I crept to his side.
“Please don’t touch him.”
His warning came just in time and I drew my hand back, tears running paths down my face. He looked…broken. There was no sign of him in my head. Unconscious he looked like a vulnerable teenage boy instead of the fierce guardian I’d come to know. I felt an urge deep inside me to protect him. I stepped back until my back was against the wall, eyes fixed on him. I was so tired, but I couldn’t leave. After a moment I felt myself sliding to the floor, unable to leave, but unable to stand.
Rubinez sighed.
“Just don’t touch him, ok?”
He shut the door behind him. I pulled my knees to my chest and cradled my head on my good arm, unable to take my eyes away from him.
Be ok, Roman. Please be ok,” I whispered, and then drifted off to sleep.
THE EX-PACIFIST: 40
WHEN I WOKE UP I was still on the floor, my head cradled in my arms. I pulled myself up with alarm, worried that I had missed Roman waking up, but when I rushed to the side of his bed I could see he was still asleep.
The bio-enclosure on his leg contained it in a healing nanite gel that was rebuilding it. I was careful not to knock it as I crept over to his side, sitting on the side of his cot and taking his hand. We were alone, except for the medical technology that surrounded us and it felt like it had been so long since we could just sit somewhere without being desperate to get somewhere or do something. Now I was only desperate for him to heal.
I didn’t know what would happen when Nigel arrived. We’d done what we came to do and my death sentence would be cancelled, but he would probably send the two of us to some sort of out of the way place for a while. That sounded really good right now. We could rest somewhere and I could watch Roman heal and then maybe we could even have a day of fun without the threat of death hanging over our heads. It felt so good to know that was a possibility.
I stroked the side of Roman’s cheek gently, ignoring the doctor’s warning not to touch him. It must have been long enough by now. His eyelids fluttered slightly and then opened all at once. Warm cinnamon stared up at me through a foggy haze.
“Hi, soldier,” I said, coyly.
He half-smiled in response.
“The doctors say you’re going to be ok. They’ve sped up the healing process. You should be fine in a few days. Denise is ok and the Emperor’s en route to make his judgments, so I’m fairly sure my death sentence is lifted and that you’ve beat the house, just like you promised.”
“Mmmf,” was his reply, but his smile was broadening.
“I was really worried about you Roman. I can’t believe you did that for me. It was way more than you ever owed me and way more than duty called for,” I said softly.
“You know why I did it,” he whispered.
“No, I don’t,” I shook my head gently, still stroking his cheek lightly.
“Then you’re pretty stupid, Vera Matsumoto,” he whispered, his eyes half closed. I wondered if he knew what he was saying or i
f it was the drugs talking. “I’d do anything for you. Anything at all.”
“And I would for you, Roman.”
“Anything?” he asked, one of his eyes squinting open again.
“Of course,” I said, surprised that he was pushing this.
“Then give this old soldier a kiss,” he said, flushing.
“Roman!” I laughed, “Be serious.”
Then he really looked at me and his hoarse voice rose above a whisper.
“I thought that no matter what I did I would never see you again. I thought they were going to torture me into insanity and I was ok with that, because a least you would be okay. I can’t live an hour anymore without thinking about you in it. I would go with you anywhere. I would do anything with you. I was even willing to trade bodies with you for a few minutes, which seriously weirds me out, so Vera, I think at the very least you could give me is a little kiss.”
I stared at him for a moment without speaking, and then very, very gently let my lips brush over his.
“No, a real one,” he whispered, reaching up a hand behind my head and pulling me gently down to where his lips could caress mine. It was a very long moment before I could breathe again. While he had been kissing me I had heard his thoughts and they were still echoing in my head.
Vera. Vera. Vera, his thoughts sang, and I realized he wasn’t meaning to send them, that for the first time since this whole thing began I was hearing him like had been hearing me all along. I stopped trying to listen, but I could still hear the echo coursing through his mind and I wondered if he could hear my thoughts singing Roman, Roman, Roman in response. I was surprised that they were. Where had that come from?
“Yes, I can hear them,” he breathed, and the smile he gave me was so beautiful that I wondered how I could ever not have noticed him, or thought he was just average looking, because it was like that smile burned itself on my retinas in a way that would never go away.
I kissed him again, and his hands tangled in my hair and ran down my back. It was a few more minutes until the beeping of the monitors beside him warned me that we had to stop if we didn’t want company and I broke away.
“We have so much to talk about,” I said.
“Like how I looked like a half dead zombie when I saw myself from your eyes?” he joked.
“I hope that can’t happen by accident,” I said, my eyebrows lifting as I realized that we may have opened Pandora’s box.
“Of course not,” Roman choked out a laugh. He turned to me in mock seriousness. “If you ever try that again I will require you to get my express permission. In writing.”
I smiled and looked at him awkwardly. It felt strange to be sitting here with him, just talking, not stressing about the future or arguing, but just talking, and I couldn’t stop the thrumming in my chest that kept repeating his name or the blush that came with it when I realized that I was starting down another forbidden path. We would have to have a talk about this.
The door opened just then and the doctor came in. It was the same one from the night before.
“I suspected you were the reason his vitals were spiking.” He shot a frown at me.
“Sorry Doctor Rubinez,” I managed.
“He needs more rest, and you need a shower, young lady. Don’t tell me you slept on the floor.”
I gave him a haughty look. What did he care if I slept on the floor?
“I’ll be back, Roman,” I promised, “and then we’ll discuss everything.”
“Promise me,” he said, reaching for my hand, and there was such an intense look in his eyes, that I was worried for a moment.
“Of course,” I said, searching his face, but the intense look was gone, and with a last smile he closed his eyes and dropped my hand, already falling back to sleep.
I allowed Doctor Rubinez to escort me out of the room and then I went back to guest quarters to freshen up. I had just finished in the shower when my implant pinged with a priority message. I accepted it as I was toweling off.
The message was from the Golden Eagle, a Blackwatch Imperial Ship of the line. It was very brief, but I felt a moment of panic when I realized that it had been sent by Captain Rothsam. Our fleet was on approach to Capricornia, and the Emperor had instructed me to be ready to receive him in one hour.
I finished my preparations as quickly as possible, pulled my black hair into a severe updo and changed into an all-black ensemble. I needed Nigel to take me seriously today.
The crew of the ship were continuing to treat me with deference, which was very helpful when it came to pulling together a space to greet the Emperor in. The Captain suggested his quarters, but they were too small for Nigel’s entire entourage, as was the Bridge. The officer’s wardroom was barely larger, but at least it was more formal than a cargo area and still large enough for the bare minimum of people to fit. The crew began preparations immediately.
I called Ian and Denise on the communications unit and told them to be ready. I tried a foray into Roman’s room again, but Dr. Rubinez was insistent that I leave him alone unless the Emperor specifically asked for him.
“I had to give him something for the pain, Ambassador, and he won’t be conscious for at least another hour,” he said.
I sighed in frustration, as I scrambled to the next task. Everything was finally pulling together, when we had word from the Golden Eagle. The Emperor was in orbit and he had changed his mind about a few things. We would come to him.
A shuttle had already been sent by the time Denise, Ian and I, along with Eads and our escort of marines, entered the shuttle hangar. I felt uncomfortable about leaving Roman here. He wasn’t in the position to be moved, and he wasn’t conscious to say goodbye, but it felt wrong to be leaving him behind. A horrible gnawing sensation gripped my mind as I tried to pull everyone together. Roman, Roman, Roman. I tried to silence it. I would be back in a few hours and he would be fine, I assured myself, but the feeling persisted.
Ian and Eads were separated by only one guard, but neither one of them looked at the other or spoke. There was more than just bad blood there. I wondered what game the two were playing.
It was easy to see that Denise’s memory had been wiped. She didn’t acknowledge Eads or pay any attention to him. She was busy the entire time answering communications she had missed from friends in the time she was away. I wondered how she had made so many friends over the years when the only friends I had ever made were Edward and Roman. I wanted to say she was lucky, but one look at her vacant expression and hollow smile made that impossible. Eads had done a real number on her.
I wondered if Nigel was torturing us on purpose, putting us all in this shuttle together. Three weeks ago I wouldn’t have believed that. Now, I suspected I might be dead on. I remembered the conversation Roman had with me on the way to Capricornia. “Have you ever considered being Empress?” he had asked. Maybe Nigel really did try to keep the other Matsumotos down.
Ian edged in towards me and I saw his hands were shivering slightly with nerves.
“This is a real mind-scrambler, Vera. I thought you said the Emperor was a fair man.”
“I did, but if you’ll recall, I said he wasn’t big on compassion.”
“Clearly.” Ian said, coldly, looking directly at his father for the first time.
I was tense with worry, and I had nothing to say, so I kept my mouth shut. With every second of our shuttle flight, my mental agitation increased. Roman, Roman, Roman, my brain insisted, nagging at me like a ghost limb. By the time we arrived at the Golden Hawk I could only think one thing: Nigel is doing this to me on purpose.
THE EX-PACIFIST: 41
WHEN WE ARRIVED ON THE Golden Hawk we were escorted up to a conference room on the deck above. All the furniture from the room had been removed except for a single armchair, bolted to the deck at one end of the room. Behind the chair was a large viewport, showing the black of space and the edge of Capricornia. It was all very dramatic and so very like Nigel. It was clear who the chair was meant for.
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We were left waiting for about twenty minutes. I wasn’t surprised that Eads, Ian and I were left waiting, but I was annoyed for Denise’s sake. She should have been shown more respect than that. For her part, she seemed unconcerned. Eads stole all the sharpness that my favorite cousin ever had. I felt my fists clench as I watched her wander over to the viewport, humming softly to herself and looking out over the stars and the blue rim of Capricornia.
When Nigel arrived it was with his usual gusto. His guards trooped into the room, surrounding the seat meant for him and fanning out into their flower-pattern. Nigel entered at his half-jog pace, clearly meaning to go right to his seat at the front of the room, but changing course to join Denise at the viewport at the last second. He took both her hands in his.
“Cousin, I’m so glad to see you safe,” he said warmly.
Denise squealed in delight, throwing her arms around Nigel like he was her best friend. If all of our situations had not been so precarious, the look on Nigel’s face would have been hilarious. As it was, I schooled my face to stillness when his gaze swiveled immediately to mine. He gave me an angry glare and then gently removed Denise.
“What can you remember from your time on Capricornia, Denise?” he asked.
“It’s the most beautiful planet, Nigel,” she gushed. “I just loved it there. The parties were fantastic. Adrianna thought they were too much, but I kept telling her to enjoy herself.”
“And where is your guardian, cousin?” he asked quietly.
“Oh, I can’t seem to remember,” Denise said, her brow furrowing.
“Can you remember any of the time since you disappeared?” he pushed.
“No, Vera told me I was missing, but I don’t remember any of that. All I remember was that we were having so much fun. The first night I was there we had this party where…”
Nigel raised a finger to cut her off and her voice faded off.
“I’m afraid I can’t spare the time to reminisce at the moment, cousin, although there will be plenty of time on the voyage back,” he smiled kindly. “Run along with Enzo here.” He motioned to one of the guards. “He’ll get you all settled in your quarters.”
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