by Len Webster
Do I trust Evan?
With my life.
Not with my heart.
But my heart should be my life.
That was the problem. Evan was her life and had been since they could walk. But giving in to Evan meant giving up her heart, and that was where it began for them. That, and she couldn’t find a way to fall out of love with him. No matter how many wrongs he committed against her, she couldn’t stop.
“I …”
“You don’t trust me,” he stated as he pulled his hands from hers.
“I do trust you,” she said.
“Then why is this so hard for us?”
“Because I hurt you, and we’re not the friends we used to be.”
Evan sighed as if he, too, agreed with her. They weren’t who they once were. The comfort and the trust they once had were now gone, and there was no one to blame but AJ. She had been the one to let her heart feel the pain, to feel love that shouldn’t be. She let it get so wrong between them.
To the point where the only way to fix them was to choose Duke over Stanford.
“I want you in my life, Alexandra.” He sighed once more. “I can’t live like this. I can’t stop missing you. I don’t want to spend my life without you. Did you even read the emails I sent you?”
AJ winced. His emails. They were reminders. The last one she had read ruined her. The last one he sent was proof that she hurt him in ways she wished she hadn’t.
But she had.
Because I’m selfish.
Selfish when it came to my freedom.
She turned away from his pleading eyes to stare at the knitting of the blanket. “I read some of them.”
“I didn’t mean it,” he quickly said. “I didn’t mean that email. I mean, I did, but … Can you please look at me?”
To hear him beg broke her heart.
An echo of the last time he had begged for her.
AJ lifted her chin, and their gaze collided. The pain in his eyes caused her chest to clench so tightly that air dissipated from her lungs. “But you still wrote them.”
Evan shook his head. “I was heartbroken. I’m still heartbroken. You’re my best friend, AJ, and you lied to me for the entire summer. You had other people lie to me. You had people turn their backs on me. And most importantly, you took you away from me. Don’t you see that?”
The anger and hurt in his voice had her tears forming.
His accusations were truths.
She had done all that.
Because all Evan did was love her like a best friend, and she had punished him.
She was a monster.
“I see it. I know it. I’ve felt it every day since you left for Vegas. I didn’t know what to do anymore. I didn’t know how to forgive you. I didn’t know how to save us. I didn’t know, Evan. I have been your best friend our entire lives, but then it started to hurt, and I couldn’t imagine us at college together. I couldn’t stomach the idea of being in California with you … I didn’t know who I was anymore,” AJ confessed.
Evan reached up and cupped her jaw, causing AJ to flinch at the contact. His thumb brushed against her cheek like it had on New Year’s. Unwanted emotions plagued her with the memory. Emotions she thought she had managed to contain since she left for Duke.
“You’re Alexandra Louise Parker,” he whispered. “I have known you for my entire life, and I want to know you for the rest of my life.”
Her heart went wild with hope.
But it crashed the moment she realized Evan had no idea what his words did to her. What false hope he fed her lungs and coerced her heart with.
“Evan,” she said, trying to pull back, but he kept his hands firmly on her jaw.
He shook his head. “I need you.”
Three words.
Three simple words …
But not the words she needed.
The three words she prayed for.
“In my life. For all my life,” he added.
“You don’t know what you’re saying.”
Evan finally pulled away as disgust consumed his face. He pulled the blanket off him and jumped out of bed. AJ watched as he paced in front of her.
Shaking his head, he turned and faced her. “You don’t know what you’re saying,” he threw back at her.
Her lips parted, ready to tell him just how wrong he was, but the desire to yell at him vanished the moment he got on one knee. He captured her hands and pulled her to dangle her legs over the bed and keep her eyes on him.
“I know exactly what I’m saying to you. What I’m promising you. Alexandra, I’ve ruined us with my selfishness. Because they were all right. If I had stopped thinking about myself for one minute, you would be at MIT. You would be living your dreams. You wouldn’t be in North Carolina. You’d be home in Massachusetts. Our home. Our state. It was selfish for me to want to be miles and miles from where we call home to be away from my brother. Homecoming was selfish. Prom was selfish. Everything I’ve done has been selfish. But I want to be selfish one last time and get you back. To be whatever you want me to be. Give me four words and a chance.”
Tears.
So many tears ran down his cheeks.
The pleading.
God, it hurt her so much to hear that. She began to cry.
“A chance?”
He squeezed her hands. “Yes, an agreement between us.”
AJ swallowed the lump in her throat. “An agreement?”
“Yes. Come home with me.”
Come home with him …
“Are those your four words?”
A small smile touched his lips as he shook his head. “No. I want you to come home with me. Back to Brookline for your fall break. I want a chance to fix us.” AJ pulled a hand free and reached over to brush his tears away. She couldn’t help it. He broke her resolve the second she opened her door to him. “I’ve never cried over losing someone in my life. I’ve never cared about anyone the way I care about you. I can’t lose you, AJ. Not you. Please, not you.”
“What about school?” she asked in a small voice.
“I don’t care about Stanford. I didn’t the moment you didn’t show up for move-in day. I only stayed in case you changed your mind.”
Her poor heart had no fight left.
It didn’t want to fight against Evan’s words.
It only wanted to love them.
“Please spend your fall break with me.”
Fall break …
Landon.
AJ’s eyes widened at the realization.
Landon Carmichael.
She promised him that she’d stay in Durham for fall break, so they could finally have their date.
Landon Carmichael, who did nothing but be patient and treat her kindly.
Landon Carmichael, who she wanted to kiss earlier today.
Landon Carmichael, who she thought she could be with.
Landon Carmichael, who she forgot within seconds of Evan being back in her life.
AJ pulled her hands free from Evan and got off the bed. Evan fell back as a new form of guilt erupted in her chest.
“Alexandra?”
Her mind went through so many thoughts that she couldn’t comprehend them properly.
“I …” She blinked at him as he got up.
“Talk to me.”
“I need to think,” AJ blurted out. Then she spun around, grabbing her coat and her phone on her way to the door. She turned back to the confused expression on Evan’s face. “I’ll be back. I need a minute … I just need a break.”
Understanding washed over his brown eyes, and he nodded. “Okay. I’ll wait here until you get back.”
“Thank you,” she said, hoping he couldn’t hear the guilt that boomed in her voice.
Because right now, all she felt was gui
lt.
Guilt over Evan.
And guilt over Landon.
Too much guilt for one person to bear.
AJ walked and walked until she reached Cameron Indoor Stadium. She knew where she was going. She knew her heart was torn. She also knew that nothing would change how she truly felt about Evan Gilmore or fix their mistakes. But right now, she didn’t want to feel small. She was tired of feeling weak. And it meant seeing Landon.
AJ had no idea if he would even be at the basketball stadium. She just knew that he had to see his coach when they were together earlier today. Pulling her phone out of her pocket, AJ took a deep breath. She stood outside the main stadium doors and dialed Landon’s number.
It took him three rings before he picked up. “Hey, Massachusetts.”
She smiled at his nickname for her. “Hey, Connecticut.”
“What’s up?” he asked.
“Are you still at the stadium?”
“I left not too long ago. Why? Is everything okay?”
AJ spun around and took in the campus around her. Duke might not have been her dream school, but she was starting to love it. She couldn’t imagine herself at Stanford or any other school. And the reason for her growing appreciation for Duke was on the other end of the phone.
“Yeah, everything is …” Not okay. “Fine. I thought you might still be here.”
“I could be,” he said.
“Will you?”
“Alex, seriously, is everything okay?”
Her heart warmed at his concern. “Everything’s fine. If you’re busy, don’t worry.”
“Alex?”
“Yes, Landon?”
“I’m leaving my dorm right now.”
29 Cu
copper
EVAN
Senior year of high school
“Captain of the baseball team? You must be proud of this one, Noel,” Mr. Mercer, Mr. Parker’s boss, said. Mr. Mercer had been the boss of the New York office until his partner, Gregson, retired, and Mercer took ownership of both accounting offices. Flying back and forth on rotation.
AJ’s father placed a hand on Evan’s shoulder. “I’m always proud of him,” Mr. P said.
Evan turned his attention to Mr. P, who wore a large grin on his face. AJ’s father always spoke so highly of him. He treated Evan as if he was his own son, and Evan had always respected Mr. Parker as a father figure.
But he wouldn’t be proud if he knew you kissed his daughter.
His smile faded. AJ’s father couldn’t know that Evan kissed her. No one in her family could know. He was lucky no one caught them on the rooftop. Evan shouldn’t have kissed his best friend. He wasn’t sure what he was thinking. All he knew was at that moment, he felt so much more for her. She was his oxygen. And before he could even comprehend what he was doing, he kissed her like he meant it. Like he couldn’t get enough of her.
And it was true.
That, and knowing that he was the only guy she had ever kissed, caused so many emotions to collide within him.
He cared for his best friend.
He thought she was beautiful.
But he had no idea if any of it was right.
To have those feelings.
To see her in a different light.
To kiss her.
To want to continue to kiss her.
He had no idea.
“Thanks, Mr. Parker,” Evan said in appreciation to the man who had helped raise him. The very man who welcomed Evan into his family and into his home. The very man whose daughter Evan could not stop thinking about.
AJ was still with her mother.
They should have been back by now, but they still hadn’t joined the party.
“Evan, have you thought about your future?” Mr. Mercer asked. For a man in his late fifties, he was fit and hardly looked his age. Mr. Mercer was the gentler, understanding boss at G&MC. He was always quoted as saying that his ability to understand, sympathize, and make happiness a priority kept his appearance youthful. That, and his thrill seeking when he wasn’t the CEO of one of the biggest accounting firms in the world.
Mr. Parker squeezed his shoulder in assurance.
“I’m not sure, sir. Right now, I’m enjoying my senior year. Baseball season is coming up soon, so that has my focus. Earning a scholarship is my top priority.”
Mr. Mercer nodded, the light catching on the glitter in his dark blond hair from when he probably celebrated the New Year not too long ago. “And academics? I know you’d like to achieve more than just baseball in college, right?”
Evan smiled. Normally, everyone asked when he would follow his brother’s footsteps and become a professional baseball player for the Red Sox, but that was never Evan’s intention or dream. He used baseball as a stress relief. A hobby. He didn’t love the sport the way his brother did. Evan had always viewed it as his ticket to California. He knew he’d play in college, but professionally, he never saw it as a career choice.
“I’m not sure just yet, Mr. Mercer. I’ll probably pursue business. It’s always interested me since I’ve spent a lot of time here with Mr. Parker. But right now, I’m not sure what my future looks like. I’m just enjoying the ride.”
Mr. Mercer set his champagne glass down on the table next to them and held his hand out to Evan. “You call me the minute you graduate and want to pursue business, all right?”
Evan glanced over at Mr. Parker to find a proud smile on his face. At least he made someone in his life proud. He strived to make Noel and Clara Parker proud of him. Reaching out, he grasped Mr. Mercer’s hand and shook it. “Will do, sir. But I will warn you that I am not your go-to guy for accounting. I was thinking more in the fields of management or marketing.”
Mr. Parker’s boss grinned. “I can’t have enough managers and marketing executives here at G&MC accounting. Noel, you’ve raised a good kid here.”
“He made it easy,” Mr. Parker praised.
“Well, I better go do my rounds and wish everyone a Happy New Year. Evan, make sure you have plenty to eat. The servers are still coming around with food. I’ll be back to see you both a little later.” With that, the boss of one of the most successful businesses in America smiled and left them.
“Business, huh?” Mr. Parker said as Evan turned his body to face him.
Evan nodded. “Yeah, is that all right?”
Mr. Parker chuckled. “Is that what you want?”
“I just want to make you and Mrs. Parker proud.”
Mr. P’s smile faded as he grasped Evan’s shoulder again. “Evan, you’ve already made us proud. You have a great attitude. When Kyle went pro, we weren’t sure how you’d react to his fame. My wife and I were a little worried that it might get to you, but you’ve stayed humble and out of trouble. Anyway, what I’m saying is that you’ve done us proud by being the person you want to be and not what the media, your parents, or Kyle expect you to be.”
“Thank you, Mr. Parker, but it was all you and Mrs. Parker. You both gave me a family by letting me be a part of your lives. You’ve been there for me when my parents haven’t. You didn’t have to, but you did. And for that, I just want to make you both proud of the person I am.”
“We are very proud of you. Now, about baseball. You know Clara and I won’t miss a game, but I want you to know that I’d rather you play for you than for someone else’s expectations. You don’t need a scholarship to get into college, Evan. Clara and I—”
“Mr. Parker—”
AJ’s father shook his head. “Clara and I will help you through college. Just like we’ll be helping Alexandra through college.”
“She’s your daughter.”
“You’re very much a son to us, Evan. So don’t put a lot of pressure on yourself. Enjoy your senior year. Let us take care of you the way you’ve taken care of our daughter.”
> Evan froze.
Guilt caused his heart to throb as he felt himself sweat under AJ’s father’s gaze.
He had no idea how Mr. Parker would react if he knew that Evan had kissed AJ or that he felt things he shouldn’t toward her.
“Uhh, thank you, Mr. Parker.”
“Dad?” AJ’s voice caused Evan to flinch.
He glanced over his shoulder to find AJ standing with her mother, confusion on her face.
“Everything okay, Noel?” Mrs. Parker asked.
Mr. Parker squeezed Evan’s shoulder one last time and then dropped his hand. “We were just talking about Evan’s future with Mercer.”
AJ’s brow shot up. “Future?”
Evan spun around and offered her a small smile. They barely got a chance to discuss the true meaning behind their kiss. He’d said he kissed her because she deserved a memorable one, but there was so much more to it. He just didn’t understand what more meant for them right now.
“Really, Nolan? Don’t put that kind of pressure on Evan right now. It’s New Year’s; let him enjoy the rest of winter break before he has to worry about that stuff. Same goes with our daughter. No pressure on the kids.”
Mr. Parker stepped forward and said, “On one condition.”
“Really?”
“We’re long past twenty-one questions, Clara. But I do have one in exchange for no pressure on the kids.”
Evan grinned. Mr. Parker had told him about how when he and Mrs. Parker first got together, they got to know each other by playing a game of twenty-one questions. A game where they’d ask each other a question with no limits. That game ended with his proposal, but continued with a married version.
Mrs. Parker smiled. Her golden brown eyes were beautiful as they sparkled at her husband. It was the only feature AJ hadn’t inherited from her mother. Instead, she got her father’s green eyes. “And what’s your question?”
“Can I please dance with my beautiful wife and celebrate the New Year with her properly?”
“Oh, God, you two are gross,” AJ complained.
“No pressure about the future and college on the kids?” her mother asked.