The Solution to Unrequited

by Len Webster

Eight protons.

  Eight neutrons.

  I was telling you I love you.

  Evan quickened his steps down the stairs of AJ’s dormitory. His chest hurt as his lungs wheezed. He needed air. He needed the searing pain that gripped his heart to stop. He needed relief, and she hadn’t given it to him.

  But if you think I’m lying, don’t come with me.

  All she had to do was follow him out that door, but she didn’t. She didn’t believe him. He’d let her believe for too long that his love for her was a lie. It wasn’t until he was at Stanford without her that he realized the true meaning of why he whispered “eight protons and eight neutrons.”

  One drunken night, he realized he’d loved her all that time.

  That when he thought he loved her as his best friend, he had loved her more.

  More than just his best friend.

  He loved her as if she was his life.

  Alexandra Parker was his life.

  And he had hurt her to the point that his entire life wanted nothing to do with him.

  Evan made it to the end of the stairs and leaned against the banister. He needed a minute to think through what he was about to do. He had flown all the way to North Carolina for her. He couldn’t just give up on her.

  On them.

  She loves me.

  My best friend loves me.

  He’d been so blind.

  So blind to realize that Alexandra Parker, the most beautiful girl with her stunning green eyes, was in love with him.

  And Evan was a fool not to realize he was in love with her sooner.

  His grip on his gym bag tightened as memories of their senior year flashed before him.

  The way she looked at him with those big sad eyes.

  The wounded expression on her face when he found her on his steps in her gray prom dress.

  Now he knew it wasn’t just disappointment he saw in her eyes that night.

  It was heartbreak.

  Because he promised her prom, and he had let her down by choosing another.

  She said she had forgiven him, but now he knew that was a lie.

  A lie he believed to be true.

  Every time she told him she was okay was a lie.

  She had never truly forgiven him.

  And the look in her eyes tore him to shreds inside because he saw it. She would never truly forgive him. She had been selfless when it came to him. He threw her love in her face every goddamn time without even realizing he was breaking her heart.

  Alexandra Parker gave up her entire world for him.

  Instead of thanking her, he ruined her.

  But her need to run had ruined him, too.

  So now they were both raw and vulnerable.

  More lost than found.

  And he wondered if he’d ever be in her heart the way he used to be.

  The way he prayed to be.

  Pushing off the banister, Evan made his way toward the entry of Wilson dorm. He wrapped his fingers around the handle and jerked it open. He exited the dorm building and made his way across the large grassy area. He had no idea where he was going. In his time at Duke, all he did was stay in AJ’s dorm room. The only time he had left was to meet one of his brother’s connections who owned a car company. Kyle had secured Evan a car for him to drive to Massachusetts.

  But now, it seemed pointless.

  There was no road trip.

  No redemption.

  No forgiveness.

  No way back into her heart or life.

  The more steps he took, the farther he got, and the longer AJ believed that he was a liar. He should go back to her. Make her see reason. Make her realize he had loved her all this time. But he couldn’t do it. It wasn’t how he wanted to tell her he loved her. He didn’t want the first time he told someone he loved them to be a screaming match. He wanted it to be meaningful. But it was him and AJ, and all their pent-up anger had exploded. All the lies they told and secrets they kept were finally revealed.

  “Evan!” He heard her yell, her voice filled with hurt and fear. It was so loud that it had him stopping, but he refused to turn around. Refused to let his mind play games in case she wasn’t there at all. When he heard nothing, Evan continued. He had to get in his rental car and find a hotel.

  He needed to get away from her rejection.

  Step by step.

  Beat after every heartbreaking beat, he created more distance and space between them.

  He might have unknowingly broken her heart when they were in high school, but she had knowingly destroyed his with her silence.

  “Evan, wait!” This time, he knew she was behind him. The desperation in her voice caused his chest to tighten. “God, please, wait!”

  Finally, he stopped and spun around; he tightened his grip on his bag the moment he took in her tears.

  God, he wished he could stop hurting her.

  Stop making her cry.

  He wanted nothing more than to have AJ smile again.

  He opened his mouth, but his words were useless.

  He became mute as she closed the distance between them.

  His best friend.

  The woman he loved brushed her cheeks clear of her tears and let out a heavy exhale.

  “You need to hear me say it.” Her lip quivered. “I don’t believe you.”

  He released his bag as her words spooned out his shriveled-up heart.

  Pain.

  So much pain claimed him.

  She didn’t believe him.

  She thought he didn’t love her.

  The biggest lie she had told herself had ruined them.

  She swallowed hard, working the muscles in her neck. He didn’t know what to say. He was empty inside.

  He waited too long.

  He realized too late.

  It was all his own damn fault because he wasn’t better for her.

  He didn’t love her better.

  He didn’t take care of her better.

  Evan Gilmore had been to her what he had always been to everyone else.

  A disappointment.

  Her green eyes flashed. He wasn’t sure what he saw in them. They were so lost. Consumed with so much pain he hadn’t yet unmasked and rid her of. “I don’t believe you because if I do believe that you love me, you’ll take it away.” A sob escaped her. A sound so heartbreaking to hear. “And if that happens, that’s it for us. It’s the end of us. For good. Forever. And if you have any doubts, turn around and leave Duke. Never, ever come back. If what you’re telling me is the truth, that you did or do love me, then pick up that bag and come back to my dorm room so I can pack and go back home with you.”

  Shock filled him.

  AJ wasn’t giving up on him.

  Relief quickly replaced his shock and began to heal the wounds she’d inflicted on him. Wounds he knew weren’t as raw or as open as hers.

  All her wounds would take him a while to heal, but he was in it for the duration and more. It was his turn to look after Alexandra the way she had always looked after him.

  He had to be selfless when it came to her needs and happiness.

  He couldn’t give her MIT, but he would give her everything else she wanted in life.

  Evan bent his knees and picked up his gym bag.

  For a moment, relief swept her face and eyes. Then she squared her shoulders and pressed her lips into a fine line. “Okay,” she said in a tiny voice. “I won’t take too long to pack.” She quickly spun around and made her way back toward Wilson.

  You did or do love me …

  Evan winced.

  She still didn’t have her answer.

  She still believed he had loved her and that he wasn’t in love with her.

  “Wait,” he called out.

  AJ stopped and
glanced over her shoulder at him.

  Evan jogged just a little ahead of her and then spun around to face her. “You have to read my emails,” he announced. “Then you’ll know if I did or I do love you.”

  His best friend searched his eyes. When she found what she was looking for, she nodded. “Okay. Let me go pack a bag. Then we’ll stop by Chino’s to say bye to Sav before we leave Duke.”

  She pushed past him, leaving Evan satisfied that they had finally found the right road to take them back to where they were.

  Where they had always belonged …

  In each other’s lives.

  AJ sat at her desk, staring at the picture of them from Fenway Park. She hadn’t lied when she said it wouldn’t take her long to pack. Since they were going home, she only packed a few items of clothing. What occupied most of the space in her small suitcase was her laptop, printed stacks of paper, and several textbooks. When he asked if she was ready to leave, she said she needed a minute and sat at her desk.

  That had been fifteen minutes ago.

  Evan sat on her bed and watched her.

  She was lost in her mind again.

  Lost in memories, he assumed.

  Then AJ picked up the frame and got out of the chair. She made her way to her suitcase lying flat by her closet and set the frame inside. She zipped the suitcase shut and then lifted it onto its wheels. Breathing out, she pulled up the handle and glanced up at him, offering him the smallest smile he’d ever seen on her face.

  She was uncertain of what was to come for them.

  And if he were honest, she would know that he was worried, too.

  “Ready?” she asked.

  Evan eyed her, searching for the hesitation in her eyes. There were worry and fear, but there was also determination. She wanted this road trip as much as he did.

  “Yeah, I’m ready.”

  “Okay.” She pushed her suitcase along the floor as she headed toward the door. When her fingertips landed on the handle, she came to a stop and glanced over her shoulder. “Evan?”

  He picked up his bag from her bed. “Yeah, AJ?”

  She spun around and pressed her back against the door, staring at him. The distance between them was marginal, but it felt like continents divided them. “Whatever happens from here to Brookline, just know that you have been the best of me even when you were the worst of me.” A tear slipped down her cheek. “And if, by the end of this, you find yourself realizing that I’m still the worst part of you for what I did, then know right now that I am truly sorry.”

  Evan forced his legs forward, hating how much pain contorted her face. When he reached her, Evan pushed her suitcase away from her and pressed his palms to the curve of her neck, cradling her and steadying her.

  Slowly, her lips parted as he tilted her head back, looking deep into her emerald eyes.

  They had all been right about her.

  She was stunning.

  More beautiful than words.

  More beautiful than anything or anyone he’d ever seen.

  But she was vulnerable and gentle.

  She was loyal and passionate.

  She was the best part of him and could never be the worst. Not even when she was breaking his heart in LA or every day after that.

  He could kiss her.

  Right now.

  Kiss her with truth on his lips.

  Kiss her the way he couldn’t on that rooftop on New Year’s.

  Kiss her and mean it.

  Let his lips brush with all his love for her.

  But he didn’t.

  Because it wasn’t right.

  He wouldn’t take advantage of them.

  Of her.

  The next time he kissed Alexandra Louise Parker, it would be with honest lips and truthful touches, with whispers of love and belief in their future together.

  “Give us time, Alexandra,” he whispered. “I’ll earn it all back. Your heart, your love, your trust, my place in your life … I’ll earn it all back.”

  Another tear slipped down her cheek, and Evan brushed it away with his thumb.

  “I will make up for every single tear you’ve shed because of me. I’ll do whatever it takes.”

  She slowly nodded. “I sent Savannah a text while I was packing, and she has class. So we should get going if we wanna avoid the traffic.”

  Evan brushed her cheek twice more and then pulled away. He grasped the handle of her suitcase and stepped back. AJ spun around and opened the door, then she stepped out into the hall and Evan followed. Once the door shut behind him, AJ reached for her suitcase, but Evan pulled it closer to him.

  “Not happening, AJ.”

  Her shoulders lost their strength. “I’m more than capable of pushing my own suitcase, Evan.”

  He ignored her and proceeded down the hall with the sound of her sigh two steps behind. It didn’t take them long to exit her dormitory and make their way out of Duke and to the parking lot where he’d parked the rental.

  With the keyless remote in his pocket, he made his way to the trunk of the black Audi and pressed the button on the trunk. When the trunk popped open, Evan lifted it higher and shoved his gym bag inside, followed by AJ’s suitcase. He closed the trunk and found AJ standing by the passenger side door. Evan rounded the car to the driver’s side and pressed the button on the handle, unlocking the door and pulling it open. He pulled the key out of his pocket and slipped inside, closing the door behind him. Once AJ was inside the Audi, he dropped the key into the cup holder and glanced over to see her clicking her seat belt in place. He was about to ask her if she was okay, but it was as if she had read his mind and answered him with a smile.

  It wasn’t tight or strained.

  It was the makings of one.

  As if she was comfortable with him.

  He knew they had a long way to go, but at that moment, he got a glimpse of a better future for them.

  Whether it meant they would be in each other’s lives after they reached Brookline would be up to her.

  As Evan pushed the button to turn the car on, his anxious and impatient heart reminded him of his choice, of his desires, and of what he really wanted out of his road trip with AJ.

  He wanted a future with her.

  Not for him to be just her best friend but to be more.

  To be the guy Alexandra had looked at on Christmas Day with that sparkling affection in her eyes.

  That glint of honest love.

  He wanted to be the guy she looked at and could be proud and honest to love.

  Evan Gilmore was determined to be the love of Alexandra Louise Parker’s life.

  And it meant exposing the very raw, vulnerable, and shameful parts of him and offering it to her at her disposal.

  To give her everything he had denied her during their senior year of high school.

  37 Rb

  rubidium

  AJ

  Senior year of high school

  “Are you nervous?” the head chef at her mother’s restaurant, Danny Fletcher, asked as he squinted at her, completely ignoring his task of deboning the large salmon filet on the prep counter.

  AJ glanced down at the chunk of fish that was on tonight’s menu. The salmon and truffle dish cost a hundred and forty dollars per plate and was one of the Little Restaurant in Boston’s signature dishes. Her mother’s restaurant was pricey, but it was one of the top fifty restaurants in the world. Danny had been fundamental in making the restaurant a reality during the early stages of the establishment when AJ’s mother was pregnant with her.

  Danny had been her mother’s boss in Melbourne before he came to the States to work, and then he moved from the famous San Francisco restaurant, the Leopold, to work with her mother. For AJ, she was happy that he had. He was like another uncle to her and was a confidant and friend whenever she n
eeded him. That, and he had one special cupcake recipe that he made for her. Danny’s A-la-eat-em was a rare cupcake that only came out of the “Danny Vault” every two years and was a featured item in her mother’s bakery. But lucky for AJ, she could have a Danny’s A-la-eat-em whenever she wanted.

  Setting down the peeler, AJ scrunched up her nose. Then she pointed the carrot she’d been peeling at him. “I wasn’t nervous until you just asked!” she accused.

  He chuckled as he picked up the tweezers and ran his fingers across the salmon, pausing when he found a bone. Danny pinched the fish, and then without a single ounce of struggle, he pulled out a bone and dropped it into the silver bowl next to him.

  “Well, you haven’t heard back from any of the colleges you applied to. I’m getting nervous. How long has it been since you submitted your applications? Three months?”

  She placed the carrot with the others she had peeled. Her mother had asked if she wanted to make extra money and work tonight, and AJ didn’t mind. She had spent the past few days studying for her finals and needed a break. Her senior year had flown right by. One minute, she was picking up baseballs in the snow with Evan, and the next, it was late March, and she was waiting for her college acceptance letters. Some colleges would send out letters soon while others would wait until April.

  AJ smiled as she reached over and picked up another freshly washed carrot. “Letters should be sent out soon.”

  “What are your chances?” Danny asked as he went to work pulling out more bones.

  “Well, high, I hope. I have a 4.0 GPA. I’m a member of the physics club. I worked here and at the bakery during the summer. I was part of the science bowl and participated in the science fair. I spent days writing my colleges essays … I think the only thing that would really hinder my applications is my lack of social clubs. According to my guidance counselor, I wasn’t social enough.” AJ sighed as she picked up the peeler and set the blade to the carrot. “But my physics teacher says …”

  Danny glanced up from the salmon and nodded for her to continue. “What did he say?”

  She pursed her lips, hating to admit it. “Being Little Miss Red Sox is my social part of my application.”

  “You didn’t write that in your essays, did you?” he asked, sounding and appearing horrified.