by Len Webster
“You’re not a freak,” he spat out.
“Right now, in this dress, I feel like one!” she said, raising her voice. “I was stupid enough to go dress shopping, to get my hair and makeup done for you. So I looked … normal. So I didn’t look like AJ to you. That I actually looked worthy enough to be your date. But clearly, it’s not enough.”
He grasped her hand before she could pull away from him. “You’re more than enough. But as captain of the baseball team, I have to keep up appearances.”
“Stop it,” she begged as his words were like a blunt knife struggling to pierce her. “Don’t tell me I’m more than enough and expect me to believe you. Look at me, Evan. Do I look like I didn’t try enough? To keep up appearances enough? Don’t pretend it’s not because I’m a total loser because we both know it is. I’m a science freak, and you’re a jock. I never once thought of us like that. I thought of you as Evan Gilmore, my best friend. It’s a shame you don’t see me as Alexandra Parker, your best friend, and someone worthy enough to be your prom date.” She snatched her hand back from his grasp.
“I don’t think you’re a freak, Alexandra. Please, just come to prom. I’ll meet you there, and I’ll make it up to you. I promise. I’ll fix this.” Determination flared in his eyes, and she knew he believed his promises.
But he had no idea how much it hurt.
How much he broke her heart.
How foolish he made her feel.
“Please come to prom. I’ll meet you there.”
AJ needed him to leave.
To get away from her before he saw her break down.
Before his jock friends saw how pathetic she truly was.
All she did was press her lips tightly together and nod.
Relief flooded his expression as he smiled. “Okay, I’ll see you there.”
Then AJ turned and made her way back into her house, closing the door behind her. She held her breath and waited until Evan went down the short steps before she let her tears finally win and drag themselves down her cheeks.
It officially hurt being Evan Gilmore’s best friend.
She couldn’t be in denial anymore.
Pretending he could someday love her was causing her to suffer.
He wouldn’t change.
He wouldn’t see that she was right there all along.
He had broken her heart with mere words.
Broken her belief in him with mere actions.
His empty promises had clouded their future together at Stanford with the swift, painful break of her heart.
46 Pd
palladium
AJ
Now
Oh, God.
That kiss.
He wants to talk about that kiss.
About the I love you.
The two very distinct moments of AJ’s drunken night. Two of the defining moments of that night between them. She was foolish to think that when one got drunk, they simply forgot. That alcohol was liquid amnesia the morning after. It wasn’t. It hadn’t been. Because she remembered. Everything. Every detail. Every flutter of his lips. The feel of his weight on her. The way her heart ached, and liberation consumed it. She’d felt so many conflicting emotions as he kissed her.
As she kissed him.
Drinking made her foolishly brave.
Inappropriately brave.
Drinking made her reckless with her heart.
Evan squeezed her hand, bringing her back to reality and snapping her out of her menacing thoughts. She could use the alcohol as an excuse. She did have a bad hangover. She could claim memory loss, too. But as she glanced up at the sad gleam in his heartbreaking brown eyes, she knew she couldn’t do that to him.
She couldn’t torture herself any longer.
She had to confess.
To come clean about how she truly felt.
How her love for him had ruined her.
Made her run instead of fly.
How Alexandra Parker’s love for Evan Gilmore had her living a life in North Carolina without him.
For a moment, she felt his love for her, but as her hangover pounded against her temples, memories of prom had her thinking otherwise.
Evan couldn’t truly love her.
Not in the way she loved him.
He might care for her.
Might miss her enough.
But never love her enough.
“What do you want me to say, Evan?” she asked, hoping he didn’t hear the sob that formed in her chest.
Each breath she took led her closer to the edge.
To the finishing point.
Each breath she took led her to another word that would end them.
Their breaking point.
“That everything about last night was true. That you meant it. The kiss and your love.”
Lightning and thunder were her way of escape as she jumped off Evan’s lap and pulled her hand free. She wished she could breathe. Somehow, it felt as if the room lost all its air and had been replaced by something thick and synthetic, which caused her lungs to burn as bright as the flames that engulfed her heart.
AJ stared at the painting of a ship on the wall as her chest rose and fell heavily. She swallowed hard and knew she couldn’t run. Not this time. So she balled her fists, gave herself a small nod, and then spun around. She told herself to ignore the pain on his face for a moment and be brave enough to ask.
“Did you mean it?”
“Yes,” he answered without hesitation. “I haven’t kissed anyone in college because I was too busy missing you. I couldn’t fall in love with anyone because I was too busy still loving you. I couldn’t want anyone because I was too busy finding you. I was too busy concerned with fighting for you. All of you. Finding you. Being in your life again, Alexandra.”
Her heart was a willing victim of his words.
Words she believed.
Words that tore down her defenses with little regard for consequences.
“I …”
“Don’t believe me,” he said, finishing her sentence for her.
AJ nodded. “I have trouble believing you because the last time I did, we both established that I never would fit in your world. That I was never good enough. I wasn’t …” She closed her mouth, not wanting to continue. Not wanting to remind herself that she wasn’t a jock. Not a cheerleader. Not even close to being what his appearances needed.
“Stop that!” he growled as he stepped closer, the distance between them barely a whisper. “You’re better than that, Alexandra. Better than anything I ever deserved. I made a mistake with prom. I was too busy trying to make my coach and Addison happy that I let you down the most. Please, please forgive me.”
She shook her head as another crack of thunder filled her ears.
He had no idea how much he hurt her that night.
How foolish she had felt.
How many tears she had wasted on him.
Evan reached up and cupped her jaw as the rain outside thrashed against the window. “Forgive me,” he whispered louder than the deafening noise of the storm.
“I can’t,” she replied, turning away to stare at the bookcase behind him. Her heart wanted to, but her brain was the reason when her heart couldn’t be. AJ blinked away the tears threatening and begged her aching heart to settle as she brought her gaze back to him.
“What’s it going to take?”
“More than this. More than just showing up at Duke. More than your words. More than our friendship. I left because you destroyed me, Evan. And I left because I ruined us by thinking you could love me.”
His eyes flashed with pain. This time, she delivered the hurtful words “AJ …”
AJ.
AJ.
AJ, AJ, AJ.
She pulled away from his touch. It wasn’t enou
gh for her anymore. AJ wasn’t enough. “That’s just it. AJ. I’m just AJ. I’m just AJ Parker, Evan Gilmore’s stupid, naïve best friend. Well, I’m more than that …” She shook her head at him as if he couldn’t see that she was more than the nickname he had given her. To her horror, her tears decided to reveal her true pain as they slid down her cheeks. “And I wish you would see that. But I guess I either have to drop dead or be the last girl in the world for you to truly see that I am the only person who could ever love you the way you’ve always wanted to be loved.”
Evan turned his head, and that was all she needed to see just how stupid she was with her damn heart. She wiped her tears away with the back of her hands, ready to put some space between them.
“Alexandra,” he said, halting her. “I do—”
“Don’t,” she begged. “Don’t tell me you do love me because that’s only just going to break my heart more. Because I know, Evan, as I’ve always known, that the love you think you feel is nothing more than me being your best friend. That’s it. That’s all it’ll ever be for us.”
And for the first time in her life, she had confronted Evan, and AJ felt nothing.
Nothing but emptiness.
Nothing but pain.
Nothing but the burden of knowing that her love was, in fact, unrequited.
AJ stepped around him and grabbed her phone. Turning, she made her way to the door.
“Wait, Alexandra, where are you going?”
She glanced at the brass handle and let out a sigh. “I need to be away from you before you see me at my worst. I tried so hard to be brave, but you broke my heart, and I need to remind myself that I did live without you.” AJ grasped the handle, twisted it, and opened the door. Then she stepped out of the hotel room and closed the door, leaving Evan behind.
AJ’s mother once told her that with every storm she faced, she would find a perfect moment of bliss. In all the storms AJ had faced in her life, she had never found that bliss.
Never found the eye of the storm.
Every time she felt as if she saw the calm, the violent surge reminded her that she was still stuck in the disaster.
Still lashed at by the gale force winds.
Still soaked by the rain.
The bliss had never found her.
As AJ continued to watch the rain fall outside, she glanced down at her phone to see that she had been in the hotel lobby for the past three hours. She hadn’t done much. All she did was sit on the cushioned wicker chair and look out the window. Several of the hotel employees had stopped by to make sure she was okay or to see if she needed anything, but AJ politely declined their assistance and continued to stare out at the beach.
The beach she and Evan had sat on plenty of times in the past.
Watch Hill was a special part of the world for them.
Whenever they needed to escape Boston, they found themselves here in Rhode Island.
It felt like fate had them at their breaking point at Watch Hill.
Her phone vibrated in her hand, and AJ glanced down to find a new text message. Usually, when she saw his name, she felt a twitch in her chest and a smile on her face. But not this time. This time, she felt nothing. She was numb. So exposed to Evan that she made herself too vulnerable and raw.
AJ opened the message and read it.
Landon: I know you’re busy with family stuff back home, Massachusetts, but I thought I’d check in and see how your fall break is going. I watched a bit of the Red Sox game. Kyle totally killed it! Also, just a reminder in case no one told you, fall break isn’t just to catch up on all the work you’re behind. It’s so you can relax and take a break. So you better be relaxing, freshman. I’ll see you when you’re back on Wednesday?
Wednesday.
When classes started.
When she was supposed to be back at Duke.
Today was only Saturday, but right now, AJ couldn’t see anything past tomorrow.
She was in limbo with Evan.
And she had no idea how to save herself.
Save him.
Save them.
AJ might not have all the answers to save them, but she did have one answer.
And it wasn’t Landon Carmichael.
Taking a deep breath, she swiped her thumb against his message and deleted it. When she returned to Duke, she’d see him and tell him she had a great fall break. She’d lie to him. And most importantly, she’d lie to herself.
“Alexandra,” she heard Evan say in a tight voice. She froze as she watched him kneel next to her. AJ glanced down, noticing her phone screen had locked, and relief consumed her. She didn’t need Evan to know who Landon was. She remembered telling him that she was glad she had met Landon, and she was. But Landon wasn’t Evan. He could never be Evan to her.
She met his eyes. The sorrow in them caused her heart to clench. Pain worked two ways, and she was face to face with Evan’s. His hands rested on the arm of the wicker chair as he inhaled a shaky breath.
“You haven’t moved in the past hour,” he said.
“How do you know that?”
His cheeks heated in embarrassment, and she couldn’t help the small smile that forced her lips to curve at him. It was rare that she ever embarrassed Evan Gilmore. He was usually confident in himself and his wants. “I … uhh … followed you after you walked out. I checked on you to make sure you’re okay. You’ve been sitting in this spot for the past three hours. Are you okay?”
“I’ve just been thinking,” she answered in a low voice.
“About what happened back there?”
She nodded and set her phone between her leg and the side of the chair. “I’m sorry. I let my emotions get the better of me. I didn’t let you speak, and I just walked out.”
Evan got up, and she expected him to yell at her for her stupidity and walk away like she had. Instead, he took three steps until he was standing in front of her and then got on one knee. He grasped her hands in his as he looked her in the eyes.
“The biggest mistake I ever made in my life,” he began to say as his thumb brushed against her left hand, “was making you think you didn’t deserve to be my date for prom. You were always the one who stood for right against wrongs. You became a voice for so many when that article was published about you. You donated millions to charities because you didn’t want dirty money to play a part in your life.
“You went to New York and bought a dress to wear for me. You became someone you weren’t to appease me. All I ever wanted was to take the only girl who has loved me to prom, and I didn’t. I came home to her crying because I was too selfish when she was selfless. I became a terrible best friend to you because not only did I made you doubt my feelings for you, but I also made you doubt who you were. It took me being in California and you in North Carolina for me to realize that you, Alexandra Louise Parker, are the only person who could ever love me the way I want to be loved. I neglected your love, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
He knew how to win her back.
To win back her belief in him.
This was the most honest she had seen him ever.
Evan stood, pulling her to her feet. He released her hands, and his palms settled on either side of her neck as he whispered, “I’m about to tell you the truth if you’ll let me.”
The truth.
She had no words.
Her mind went blank.
Her mouth unable to voice her desires.
So she nodded as a soft smile replaced the fine line his lips made. Evan’s thumb ran along her jaw as he looked deep into her eyes. She watched him inhale through his nostrils and release his breath a second later.
“I’m in love with you, Alexandra,” Evan revealed. “I’m pretty sure I’ve always been in love with you. They were all right; I just realized too late. I watched you cry when I should have made you happy. I will
always love you. You’re not just AJ to me. You’re my soul mate. You’re the other half of me that I’ve been without for longer than I should have. You never deserved to be hurt by me. You never deserved to have me realize how much I loved you when it was too late and you were in pain. I can’t change the past, and I understand that you might never forgive me for prom. But give me a chance to.”
She blinked at him. “What?”
“When you’re ready, come back to our room. I’ll make it up to you.” Then he brought her closer, whispered, “I love you … I’m in love you, Alexandra,” and pressed his lips to her forehead.
AJ’s eyes fell closed as she memorized the way she felt as his I love you penetrated her chest and infiltrated deep into her heart. Seconds later, he pulled away and let her go. She opened her eyes to find that he had already walked away.
He left her in the lobby with his love and her uncertainty.
AJ chewed her bottom lip as she tightly held the key card. It had been about twenty minutes since Evan told her he was in love with her and then left her in the lobby. AJ almost ran after him, but she forced herself to stay.
To think.
To understand what she wanted out of their final night together in Rhode Island.
She had spent a lot of that twenty minutes staring out the window as the rain continued. She knew that she couldn’t wait forever. She thought she had been waiting for a sign, and that had been Evan coming downstairs and telling her the truth. He had given her time with her thoughts.
In the end, AJ followed her heart.
She might never find the eye of the storm, but she’d find the bliss her mother once spoke of. Bliss where happiness wasn’t sandwiched between pain. She wasn’t sure where their actions would leave them, but they both needed forgiveness.
And tonight, she would give him her forgiveness.
Because for the first time since prom, she actually—and truly—believed that he was sorry.
That his love for her was true.