“How to Beat the Bully Without Really Trying is right on target. Scott Starkey really understands kids, school, and the language of both.”
—Jim Trelease, author of The Read-Aloud Handbook
“You’re dead, new kid.”
Rodney Rathbone, self-admitted coward, had been dreading the first day of his new school all summer long. But when he meets Josh, the nastiest bully in school history on the bus, fear becomes reality.
When Josh is hit with a stray baseball and the entire school thinks Rodney did it, Rodney develops a superhuman reputation that is soon known all over. Rodney tries to tell his new friends that he is just lucky, not all-powerful, but no one wants to believe him. As the stories of Rodney’s heroics take on a life of their own, Rodney discovers that it’s much harder to maintain a reputation than it is to create one.
Can Rodney steer clear of the bully, make real friends in his new school, and graduate from elementary school in one piece?
SCOTT STARKEY is an elementary school teacher, soccer coach, and father of three. This is his first novel. He lives in Long Island, New York, with his family.
Jacket design by Krista Vossen Jacket illustration copyright © 2012 by Tim Jessell
A PAULA WISEMAN BOOK
Simon & Schuster • New York
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This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real locales are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Copyright © 2012 by Scott Starkey
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Book design by Krista Vossen
The text for this book is set in Bembo Std.
Manufactured in the United States of America • 1211 FFG
2 4 6 8 10 9 7 5 3 1
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Starkey, Scott.
How to beat the bully without really trying / Scott Starkey.—1st ed.
p. cm.
“A Paula Wiseman Book.”
Summary: Rodney, an admitted coward, moves to Ohio where the middle-school bully immediately singles him out, but when a stray baseball knocks the bully out just as he is about to beat Rodney up, Rodney gains an undeserved reputation as a tough guy.
ISBN 978-1-4424-1685-7 (hardcover : alk. paper)
ISBN 978-1-4424-1693-2 (eBook)
[1. Bullies—Fiction. 2. Schools—Fiction. 3. Ohio—Fiction. 4. Humorous stories.] I. Title.
PZ7.S7952Ho 2012
[Fic]—dc23
2011019439
Dedicated to my wife, Judy
Acknowledgments
In writing this book, there were many people who helped me along the way. I will always appreciate the help and interest given to me by Jim Trelease. I am also grateful to my agent, Barbara Kouts, and my editor, Paula Wiseman, for this wonderful opportunity and their guidance. I owe much of my inspiration to my past and present students in room 303 at East Street Elementary.
And above all, I thank my great friend Lloyd Singer. Without his edits, ideas, and encouragement, this book would have never become a reality.
CONTENTS
Chapter 1 — Nowhere to Hide
Chapter 2 — The Big Fight
Chapter 3 — Mr. Feebletop
Chapter 4 — My New Reputation
Chapter 5 — The McThugg Brothers
Chapter 6 — The Brain and the Bees
Chapter 7 — The Legend of Old Man Johnson
Chapter 8 — A Ghostly Encounter
Chapter 9 — The Invincible Boy
Chapter 10 — I Meet the Beast
Chapter 11 — King of the Hill
Chapter 12 — Dinner with the Windbaggers
Chapter 13 — A Tights Squeeze
Chapter 14 — Dodging Marshmallows
Chapter 15 — Sweet Revenge
Chapter 16 — The Bathroom
Chapter 17 — The Movies, Girls, and Cannibalistic Death Mutants
Chapter 18 — Fright Night
Chapter 19 — As Bad as it Gets
Chapter 20 — No Pain, No Gain
Chapter 21 — Rocco Ronboni
Chapter 22 — A Worm in the Big Apple
Chapter 23 — A Peculiar Sense of Dread
Chapter 24 — Field Day
Chapter 25 — I Overhear a Plot
Chapter 26 — The Big Dance
Chapter 27 — The Final Stretch
Chapter 28 — Super Adventure
Chapter 29 — Graduation Day
Chapter 30 — And the Winner is . . .
Chapter 1
NOWHERE TO HIDE
“So what’ll it be, a black eye or a bloody nose?”
“What’s the third choice?” I asked.
He looked confused. “Enough talking. Ready to die, new kid?”
Ah, the first day of school! New notebooks, a new backpack, meeting new people, getting beat up by a bully. Actually, Josh wasn’t just any bully. He was THE bully at Baber Intermediate. Looking back on it now, I can’t believe I made it through that first day. Heck, I can’t believe I survived all the way to graduation. It’s a pretty amazing story to tell. Adults will probably say I’m exaggerating, but I don’t blame them. Even I have a hard time believing what happened to me this year!
I remember exactly how I felt that first morning before school. My father was sitting to my left at the breakfast table. He was in the middle of buttering some toast when he turned to me and asked, “Rodney, what could be better than being a new kid in a new school in a new state? This must be your lucky day!” It’s hard to imagine, but he really believed the nonsense that came out of his mouth. He sat there at the breakfast table grinning from ear to ear. “Can’t you just feel the excitement?”
All I could feel was my stomach twisting into a tight knot. Today was going to be the worst day ever—and I didn’t even know yet about Josh, the lunchtime fight, the broken nose, and everything else waiting for me at school.
My little sister, Penny, shouted, “Rodney’s turning green!”
Panic flashed across my dad’s face. “I can’t be late for work.” He jumped up and was out the door like a shot.
My mom watched him leave and shook her head slightly. “He’ll never get over the shoe incident.” Listening, I remembered how he’d been smiling when he told me we were moving to Ohio. I also remembered how the smile had faded when I’d thrown up on his foot.
“Anyway, Rodney,” my mother continued, “don’t worry about today. Everyone’s going to love you. Isn’t that right, Penny?”
“Sure, just like in New York,” she answered, never missing an opportunity to torture her older brother.
I looked down at my bowl of Cheerios, remembering some of the bullies I had left behind. But as bad as they were, the idea of being the new kid scared me even more. You see, I knew what my parents didn’t—that
I’m a coward. Not just your average wimp, afraid of the occasional creepy movie or dark basement steps, but the real deal, a big-time chicken. I’d rather run than fight anytime. Penny was the only one in my family who guessed the truth about me.
My mom handed me my lunch and I headed out the door for the bus stop. As I approached the end of our street, I realized I didn’t know any safe hiding spots. In my old school I knew where to hide when a bully came looking for me. Luckily, there were no menacing thugs about—just one kid at the bus stop leaning against a big maple tree and fidgeting with something in his hands. He wasn’t much taller than me, which isn’t saying much. He had black hair and a warm face that broke into a grin when he saw me approach.
“Hey, you’re that new kid. What’s your name?”
“I’m Rodney.” This was going well.
“Rodney? They’re going to kill you with a name like that.”
I felt my stomach tighten. “What’s your name?” I asked.
“Rishi.”
For a moment I just stared at him, not knowing what to say. “Rishi?” I repeated.
“Where you from?” he asked.
“New York,” I told him.
“New York. Wow . . . do you ride the subway every day? How many times have you been mugged?”
He’d seen too many movies. Nothing dangerous ever happened in my old neighborhood, which was in the outskirts of New York City in Queens. I tried to think of something to say.
“Oh, I get it,” he kept talking. “Can’t speak about it, right? Don’t want to be a rat, huh? Okay, who’s your teacher? Can you answer that?”
“Mrs. Lutz-something,” I started to say, wondering if this Rishi kid ever stopped blabbering.
“Wow, me too. Hey look, there’s the bus. Stick with me. I’ll show you around the place. Smile.” Click!
“What the . . . ?” I started to ask.
“No worries, I take pictures of everything.” Rishi kept right on talking as we climbed aboard the bus. He pointed to a seat in the middle and sat down next to me. He never shut up, but he was nice. I relaxed a little. I had already made a friend. Maybe things wouldn’t be so bad. It was then that I noticed he had shut up. “Keep your head down,” he whispered.
“Huh? What? Why . . .”
“Shhhhh. This is Josh’s bus stop.”
The rest of the bus had gone silent. “Who’s Josh?”
Rishi looked at me like I was crazy. “Only the nastiest bully in Baber Intermediate history. He was beating up kids our size back in nursery school. Keep your head down. Don’t look him in the eye and maybe you’ll be all right. See you later.”
“What? Where are you going?”
“Oh, he hates new kids. Good luck.” With that, he ducked a few seats away, leaving me in terror. Oh no no no-o-o-o-o, my brain seemed to scream. I noticed the girl across the aisle hiding behind her backpack, and I considered climbing under the seat. The doors opened and loud footsteps thudded up the stairs. In the end I just closed my eyes and tried to imagine something happy. The only thing that came to mind was my sister’s favorite TV show growing up. I sat there quietly humming, “I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family,” and waited for the end to come.
The steps got closer and a bead of sweat ran down my spine. After what seemed a very long time, the bus started. I couldn’t believe it. He had left me alone! That wasn’t so bad. I exhaled and started to open my . . .
Smack!
My head jerked forward and stung in the back. I looked up to see a kid staring down at me. He looked six feet tall and had a neck the size of my waist. “You a new kid?” he growled.
For a second I considered jumping out the emergency hatch, but then managed to squeak, “Me? No, I’m not new. Been here for years.”
“How come I ain’t seen you?”
“Uh, well, I’m very forgettable. My mom sometimes forgets my name and . . .”
“You lyin’ to me, kid? ’Cause if you are . . .”
“What? Me? No. I’d never lie.”
“You’d better not be. I’ll be seeing you real soon.”
“Oh, okay, look forward to it,” I said. He grunted and gave my head another smack before strutting down the aisle to the back of the bus. I exhaled. Yeah, Mom. They’re all going to love me.
Eventually the bus pulled up in front of Baber Intermediate. It was a pretty typical-looking school, not old but not brand-new. All I kept thinking was how much space there was out here in the Midwest. Fields and fields everywhere. Back in New York we all lived on top of each other.
I went through the main entrance and was heading down a crowded corridor, careful to avoid Josh, when Rishi appeared at my elbow. “You’re still alive?” he observed.
Barely, I thought.
“You probably don’t know where Mrs. Lutzkraut’s class is. Come with me.” We climbed a set of stairs, went down another long hall, and came to a stop outside room 217. “Now look, Mrs. Lutzkraut is mean,” Rishi explained.
Just wonderful. My brain sighed.
“Some of my good buddies are in this class, though. Real good guys. Let’s go meet them.”
It sounded like an excellent idea. I felt a little relief, especially since Josh was nowhere in sight. Time to finally meet some nice kids. I walked up to the first boy in line and said, “Hi, I’m Rodney.”
He looked at me through narrow eyes. “Rodneeeeey. Nice name. So, you new here?”
I smiled. “Yes, I am.”
“That’s just great, ’cause me and my buddy Josh love getting to know the new kids.” He cracked his knuckles and turned away from me. That wasn’t good.
Realizing I’d just totally blown it, I crept back to Rishi. “I thought you said your buddies were nice?”
“My buddies are nice. He’s not my buddy. That was Toby. You should have stayed far away from him.”
“How was I . . .”
“Who is talking in this hall?” snapped a sharp grown-up voice. Rishi bowed his head and slid into line. I looked up to see who had yelled.
It was an awful sight, so bad I almost didn’t hear her shout, “I will not have such behavior in my class, do you hear?” For starters, this lady looking down at me was old. Her hair was short and curly and colored some strange, unnatural orange. Her glasses were big and thick, making her eyes seem bigger, and I knew that the person looking through them didn’t mess around. Mrs. Lutzkraut may have been old, but she was no little old lady. She was built like a Chicago Bears middle linebacker. I instantly got the impression she wanted to drag me down the hall by my ear.
She glared at me for several more seconds, then walked to the front of the line, turned, and uttered two sharp, crisp words. “Class! Enter!”
I was so scared I figured I’d better apologize for talking. “Mrs. Kraut-mouth,” I blurted. The class burst out laughing.
“The name is LUTZkraut,” she screamed, “and whoever you are, you’d better learn to shut your mouth.”
“But I was just going to say that I was . . .”
“Silence!” Her voiced echoed off the walls. As we headed into class it was completely silent . . . except for Toby whispering in my ear, “You’re dead, new kid.”
Chapter 2
THE BIG FIGHT
Whenever I’m nervous, I say the completely wrong thing. It’s an odd habit that’s gotten me into a ton of trouble over the years. It was about to happen again. I could feel it welling up inside me. My new classroom was totally gray and depressing—gray walls, gray trim, gray shades pulled down to block the sun. As Mrs. Lutzkraut approached her desk, my mouth suddenly spoke out, “I love what you’ve done with the place.” She stopped and spun in my direction, then stared down at me with a hideous scowl.
“What is your name?”
“Rodney Rathbone,” I replied. I heard Toby snicker.
“Well, Mr. Rat-bone . . .”
“Rathbone,” I corrected her. Everyone called me Rat-bone back in New York and I didn’t want it repeated here. Rat-bone. Rat-
boy. I had heard it all.
She glared at me for a moment, then yelled, “Don’t interrupt me! I’ve known you for three minutes and you’re already one of the most irritating students I’ve ever had. Sit here.” Her hand slapped an empty desk right in front of hers. “This morning we’ll be discussing my rules and more importantly my punishments, two subjects to which you’d better pay close attention.”
Super, I thought.
As the morning wore on, I came to truly understand how boring boredom could be. The more Mrs. Lutzkraut lectured us, the slower time seemed to pass, leaving me plenty of time to think. My mind kept returning to one question: Could things get any worse? I had gotten the bad teacher and the school thugs were out for me. Even though I was bored in class, I was in no hurry to leave and go to lunch. I didn’t have any friends except Rishi and I wanted to hide from the two monsters I’d already met. My insides twisted when Mrs. Lutzkraut told us to line up and head down to the cafeteria.
A tall lunch aide with pulled-back hair and a nose that seemed to point all the way back to her forehead greeted me with, “Mrs. Lutzkraut’s boys sit at table four.” I noticed that Rishi had positioned himself as far from Toby as possible, so I sat down next to him.
“Who’s that lady with the long nose?” I asked.
“Her? That’s Long Nose. Hey, do you want to see a picture of my grandma’s foot?” Rishi pulled out his camera.
“Uh, not really,” I responded, wondering if my new friend had mental problems.
He laughed. “Hey, now let me introduce you to my buddies.” Motioning to a heavy boy across from me he said, “This is Tim, but we call him Slim. And that,” he pointed to a short, quiet-looking boy, “is Dave. We call him Dave.” Rishi laughed again, and Slim and Dave said hello. Pretty soon the four of us were joking around and my nervousness over Josh, Toby, and Mrs. Lutzkraut faded. Maybe things would be okay after all.
Slim was busy telling about the time he laughed and soda came shooting out his nose. We were all laughing when he suddenly turned white and quickly looked down at his lunch. Something had caused him to react, and it didn’t take a genius to figure out what, or who, was standing in back of me.
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