How to Beat the Bully Without Really Trying

by Scott Starkey

  As we walked in, Rishi whispered to me, “Isn’t this great? You’re going to owe me big-time.”

  “What’s so great about it?” I whispered back.

  “Come on, Rodney, everyone knows if you sit next to a girl in a horror movie, she’s going to be scared.” He then hit me in the chest. “You’ll have to, you know, protect her. See? I’m always watching out for you. Great plan, right?”

  “Dave! You have to sit next to me,” Kayla interrupted.

  “Uh,” Dave responded nervously.

  “You don’t want the mutants to get me, do you?”

  “Well . . .” I could see the wheels in his head starting to turn.

  “Good.” Kayla smiled, and with that she dragged him inside the theater doors.

  “See? She understands my brilliance,” Rishi continued. “Now it’s your turn, but you’d better hurry or Slim will be munching and burping next to Jessica for the next two hours.”

  The girls and Kayla’s prisoner had entered a row toward the front. I was relieved to see that Jessica went in last, but alarmed to see Slim beginning to follow her. I ran down the slope as fast as I could, the little lights on the floor whizzing by beneath my feet. At the row’s entrance I hip-checked Slim. He looked annoyed for a second, then went, “Oh, I get it.”

  The plan was working to perfection, though I half-expected Mrs. Lutzkraut to be in the row behind us.

  I couldn’t believe I was finally next to Jessica in the dark. It was so awesome that my mind went completely blank. I didn’t know what to say. The two of us sat staring in silence at an ad on the screen for Larry’s Transmissions. This was ridiculous. Luckily, Rishi elbowed me and pointed to the large popcorn I was holding. I think he wanted it, but my mind sprang into action and I offered the popcorn to Jessica. She took some and offered me her Sno-Caps. During the exchange our hands briefly touched. It was a magical moment that sent tingles down my neck, until I started worrying that my fingers were too greasy from the butter.

  Soon the coming attractions were on and then the movie started. Most of my attention was on the girl to my left and I wondered if she was thinking similar thoughts about the boy on her right.

  On the screen, a scientist was shouting, “If we don’t destroy this serum it will destroy the world!”

  He was answered by another character wearing a suit who looked more like a businessman than a scientist. “The company I represent has spent far too much money to let you do that. Hand me the serum.”

  “Never! You don’t understand what . . .” They went on like that, but in the end the businessman wrestled the serum away from the scientist, only to walk outside, slip on a patch of ice, and release the serum’s vapors into the air. Of course, the guys who breathed in the vapor turned into cannibalistic mutants of death and ran off looking for people to eat.

  Now, in the past, there’s no way you would have found me watching a movie like this, but I suddenly felt like I would enter a real-live den of cannibalistic mutants if it meant saving Jessica. Or, at least I’d wish her well before running off. But the point is, I had accomplished a lot this year and maybe I wasn’t such a huge coward after all.

  As the film went on, I sat there trying to figure out whether I should reach for Jessica’s hand. My thoughts, however, were interrupted by something on the screen. A lady was walking down a dark basement hallway and you could tell she was about to get it. It was one frightening place. Water dripped and creepy, screechy music played. There was thunder in the distance and I couldn’t tell if the thunder was in the movie or real life. I could barely breathe I was so petrified. For a moment there was complete silence. Then it happened.

  A mutant suddenly jumped out and squeezed my arm!

  I screamed and jumped up, flinging the popcorn bucket onto Jessica’s head and my Coke into her lap. She screamed, and the next thing I knew we were all screaming and tearing out of the theater.

  It was only as we rushed into the hallway that it occurred to me what had happened. Rishi knew his stuff all right, for the movie had frightened Jessica so much that she had grabbed my arm. That would have been great and exactly what I wanted, if only . . . if only I wasn’t convinced I was being clawed to death by a cannibalistic mutant.

  I looked around the hallway. Rishi was shaking Slim, who was pale and on the verge of fainting. Kayla was grabbing Dave, even though she didn’t look as scared as the rest of us. It took at least a minute for everyone else to stop screaming, and then our attention turned to Jessica. She had removed the popcorn bucket from her head but was covered in kernels and her face was shiny from all the grease. She also looked like she had wet her pants, but I knew it was Coke. My Coke.

  She walked up to me and said, “Real smooth move.”

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do it. The mutant scared me,” I tried to explain.

  She looked angry. “You were afraid? I thought the great Rodney Rathbone wasn’t afraid of anything. Come on, girls, lets get out of here.” As they walked off, I realized that my plan had completely backfired.

  For a while we hung around making dumb small talk waiting for my dad’s film to end. As soon as he saw us he came over and asked, “Who’s hungry?”

  “I am!” Slim yelled. Evidently he had made a quick recovery.

  “How about we go get some salads,” my dad suggested.

  “Salads?” Slim blurted.

  “I’ve sworn off fast food after seeing that movie.”

  “Even White Castle?” Slim asked.

  “Mmmmmmm . . . White Castle,” my dad murmured, sounding a lot like Homer Simpson. “Okay, White Castle can’t be that bad, right? Let’s go.”

  But I had lost my appetite. Noticing my lousy mood, Rishi said to me, “Don’t worry about it. She didn’t seem that mad.”

  I looked at him. He looked away and said, “Well, maybe she was that mad. Too bad you ordered the mega soda and popcorn.”

  Too bad was right. I had nightmares that evening of cute mutant girls throwing Cokes at me. I awoke to a depressed feeling as the knowledge sunk in that I’d really blown it. Not only with Jessica, but with everyone. Kayla had probably called Greg the second she got home. News of my stunt would be the talk of school on Monday. Toby would make the most of it and convince Josh that I was an easy target. I almost didn’t want to go downstairs when my mom called me for Sunday breakfast.

  “So,” she greeted me, pouring a glass of orange juice, “your father tells me you had a great time at the movies last night.”

  My dad had avoided the Windbaggers, watched a documentary, and inhaled half a dozen burgers at White Castle. To him, that was like going to the moon. But as for me, well, all I could say was, “Sure, Mom. It was some night.”

  Chapter 19

  AS BAD AS IT GETS

  My legs were slow to sling out of bed Monday morning. When they finally did, I stared down at my feet and the blue carpet squeezing up between my toes. For several seconds I pondered the fibers . . . and the upcoming day.

  I’d soon know whether Jessica was completely turned off by my girly scream on Saturday night. All my questions would be answered as soon as I got to school, like how far the news had actually spread. If the story was out there, would slimy Greg use it to move in on Jessica? Would the kids realize I wasn’t so brave after all? Would Josh use this opportunity to pound my face into hamburger meat?

  Almost like a zombie, I climbed aboard the bus and shuffled back to my friends. “What’s the matter with you?” Rishi asked. “You look so serious.”

  “Well,” I exhaled, “Saturday didn’t exactly go as planned. You know I . . .”

  “I know if there’s one person who doesn’t need to worry about something like this, it’s you. Who’s going to care about a little scream? We’re not talking about Mr. Faint over here,” Rishi joked, motioning at Slim. “We’re talking about you . . . about Rodney ‘McThugg Slayer’ Rathbone.”

  “Yeah, relax,” Dave added.

  My friends were right, of course. How cou
ld I be foolish enough to worry that one little yelp would tarnish my golden reputation? I’d be fine. I actually smiled for the first time since Saturday as I walked into the cafeteria to line up for class.

  “Aaaaggghhhhhh!” A scream rang out so loud that I jumped and froze. It was Kayla, pointing in my direction as she held her stomach and bent over laughing. Samantha was right beside her, practically crying from howling.

  “Please stop this at once,” Long Nose pleaded with the girls, but they seemed determined to have fun, all at my expense.

  “Any mutants grab you this morning, Rodney?” Kayla yelled.

  Samantha joined in, “Did you spill your cereal all over the place and run to Mommy?” They both began giggling uncontrollably. I made a face like they were crazy but noticed other kids starting to look in my direction and laugh along with the girls. Then I saw Jessica, who wasn’t laughing. She was too busy listening to Mr. California, who was smirking as he whispered something in her ear.

  If things had ended with that, I would have been miserable but safe. However, someone else was listening and his curiosity was aroused. Toby went over and sat right next to the girls. I could see him ask them something and the two girls launched into giggly whispers, no doubt describing the whole embarrassing scene. Toby was salivating, his devilish eyes gleaming right at me. This wasn’t going away anytime soon.

  I was miserable all morning. It didn’t help matters seeing Toby enjoy himself so much. As Mrs. Lutzkraut droned on, he kept busy sketching ugly mutants eating screaming stick figures. Each figure wore a little T-shirt with the name Rodney on it. For my viewing pleasure, he made sure to place the drawings where I could see them, his lips locked in a smile the whole time.

  Lunch arrived and I sat down with my friends. They seemed completely clueless about my various problems. As they joked about something from class, I nervously watched the rest of the cafeteria. All my fears were being realized. Kayla and Samantha were still making mutant faces at me from the next table and squealing with delight. Greg sat down next to Jessica and I almost pounded my sandwich into a pancake when he began feeding her his Cool Ranch Doritos. I watched for several seconds, growing nauseous and believing things couldn’t get any worse. Then I looked to my right. Boy, was I was wrong.

  At the other end of my table sat Toby and Josh. I could tell they had been waiting to make eye contact. I gulped. Josh hadn’t given me such a direct, threatening look since the first day of school. He mouthed the words, “You’re dead.”

  “Don’t you just love lunchtime?” Rishi elbowed me.

  “Uh . . .”

  “I can’t wait to get outside and play some b-ball.”

  Oh no, recess. That’s where Josh would probably get me. I wanted no part of it. There was no way I was going outside. “Well, have fun,” I told Rishi.

  “Huh? Where you going?”

  “See you in half an hour,” I said as I got up to leave.

  “But Rodney,” I could hear him begin as I walked away. I had to get past Long Nose. After that, I would come up with a plan. I kept my head down and walked toward the door.

  “Just where do you think you’re going?” she asked.

  “I’m sitting out recess with Mrs. Lutzkraut,” I answered out of habit.

  Her squinty eyes dug deep into mine. I was sure she could tell I was lying. “Excellent,” she finally announced, “but if I was a teacher, you would really know what punishment is all about. None of this silly missing recess stuff. If I had my way, you would have been expelled a long time ago. And do you know what else?” She motioned for me to come closer, like she had a secret. I took a step forward. She slowly bent over me—and blew her whistle so loud that I fell backward. “Line up time!” she shouted to the cafeteria.

  As I walked through the doors and down the long gray hallway, my ears still ringing, I could hear her screeching at everyone to head outdoors. I was glad to be out of there and for a minute considered hiding in the bathroom, or talking to Mr. Feebletop about the latest Mets trade. Instead, though, I headed straight to room 217. I walked in and for the first time ever was actually relieved to see Mrs. Lutzkraut at her desk.

  “What are you doing here?” she muttered angrily, a glob of egg salad falling from her mouth.

  I almost gagged but managed to answer, “You told me to come today.” Then I added, “Tomorrow, too.” She looked slightly confused and frowned. I figured this would be the best place for me to hide for a while.

  Mrs. Lutzkraut seemed as disgusted to see me as I was to see that slimy food churning in her mouth. She finally spoke. “I don’t remember telling you to come here. Knowing you, you’re probably wrong, but no doubt you deserve to be sitting out recess anyway. Take a seat, and for once be quiet.”

  My quick thinking had worked. As bored and grossed out as I was sitting out recess in class, at least I was safe. But for how long? What would I do after tomorrow? I slipped into such a down mood that Mrs. Lutzkraut seemed baffled by my silence. Right before the rest of the kids returned to class she looked at me and announced, “I know I’ll regret this, but you behaved so well today that I’ve had a change of heart. Rodney, tomorrow you may join your friends outside for recess.”

  Chapter 20

  NO PAIN, NO GAIN

  I was still moping about when my mom called me to dinner that evening. I sat looking at my plate of lasagna. Normally I would have inhaled it, but tonight I just flicked my fork between the layers and pushed the ricotta cheese around the plate. “Are you feeling okay?” my mom asked.

  “Yeah, I guess. Well, not really.” My mom put down her fork and felt my forehead. “I’m not sick, Mom. I just had a bad day. Can I go to private school?”

  “No, too expensive,” my dad commented, his mouth half full. He broke off a piece of bread and wiped his plate clean. Sometimes he ate faster than a dog.

  “What happened today?” my mom asked. My sister was watching me now and even my dad looked concerned . . . until I realized he was eyeing my lasagna.

  “It’s a long story, but if I come home tomorrow missing a few teeth, don’t be surprised.” I felt my eyes start to get a little watery. It was both torturous and a relief to be talking about my problems with someone other than a weird old guy in a haunted house.

  “I thought you took care of that problem,” my dad said.

  “I guess my good luck ran out. I’m dead tomorrow.” I glanced around the table. My mom looked concerned, my dad scratched his chin thinking, and Penny was smiling widely.

  “No, you’re not!” my mom insisted. “I’m calling the school first thing in the morning. Mrs. Lutzkraut will . . .”

  “Hold on, there,” my dad chimed in. “That won’t solve anything. It’ll just make matters worse.”

  “Donald, I’m not going to let some school ruffians hurt my darling angel. I . . .”

  “Princess, will let me handle this. No boy wants his mom calling the school. Am I right, Rodney?”

  “Uh, well . . .”

  “You see, dear. Besides, Rodney has nothing to worry about. I have a surefire plan. Now, if you’re done,” he announced, reaching for my plate, “you can leave the table.”

  “Donald Rathbone!” my mother snapped, grabbing the plate in midair and returning it to my place. “I hope your great scheme works better than your attempt to steal Rodney’s dinner.”

  A little later I joined my dad in the den. My sister hovered by the door, eager to see what was going to happen. I was curious too. “Hit me in the stomach,” my dad began.

  “What?”

  “Hit me in the stomach. Throw your best punch.”

  Great, I thought. Here comes that lasagna dinner he just wolfed down. I made a fist anyway.

  “No, no. Let me see that hand.” My dad took my fist and examined it. “The only thing you’re going to break with that is your thumb. Keep your thumb on the outside of your knuckles.” As he spoke, he positioned my thumb where he wanted it. “There. That’s better.”

  “Now, the
next thing is knowing where to punch. You proved you know how to hit someone in the nose, but it’s not always easy to punch someone’s face, particularly if he’s bigger than you. It can be hard to reach. It’s better to hit the body. Do you know where to aim?”

  “The stomach?”

  “No, there’s somewhere better.”

  “I thought you weren’t allowed to punch someone there. . . .”

  “Not there,” my dad continued. “Look, see this doll?” He grabbed one of Penny’s dolls with his left hand and held it up by the neck. “See the middle of the chest? That’s the solar plexus. A good hit there will put anyone down. Knock the wind right out of them. Watch closely. Pow!” And with that he punched the doll in the gut, sending the body flying halfway across the room. The doll’s head, still in my dad’s grip, stared straight ahead.

  “Kiiiiittttttttttt!” Penny shrieked. “Mommy, Mommy! Daddy killed my American Girl doll!” My father dropped Kit’s head as my mom entered the den.

  “Sorry, dear, I got carried away,” he explained.

  “I don’t like this whole thing. Teaching Rodney how to fight . . .”

  “Sweetie, this is self-defense, it’s like that Pilates stuff you do down at the gym. . . .”

  “Pilates has nothing to do with . . .”

  “Honey, we’re almost done. Oh, and one more thing. Rodney and I are going to watch Rocky III tonight if you want to join us.” My mom just groaned as she grabbed my crying sister and left the room.

  As we sat there watching the movie, my dad and I practiced sparring. He had me throwing punch combinations while repeating different fight-inspired expressions. “Pop, pop, bang. No pain, no gain. ‘Eye of the Tiger’!” By the time Rocky and Apollo Creed were training to beat ‘Clubber’ Lang, I almost felt ready to fight Josh. The movie ended and my dad said, “In the first movie, Rocky had to chase a chicken around. I wonder where I could get a live chicken. . . .”

  Even though I was tired from staying up late, I couldn’t sleep that night. I kept making a fist and throwing jabs at the ceiling, wondering if I really had what it takes.