How to Beat the Bully Without Really Trying

by Scott Starkey

  We passed through the doors and walked up to a table in the lobby loaded down with cups, soda bottles, and chips. Rishi and Slim were there eating out of the Dorito bowl. Ignoring them, I filled our cups. One fizzed up and Jessica leaned down and drank off the foam. I watched her in a trance and didn’t notice the change in the room. After a few moments, I saw that Rishi and Slim had stopped eating and were staring behind me. Despite having a brown soda mustache, there was nothing funny about Jessica’s frightened expression.

  How could I have been so stupid? How could I have let my guard down? My brain kicked fully into gear, and with it so did my wiggly knees, gurgling stomach, and every sweat gland in my body. I turned around.

  Josh didn’t waste any time smacking the drink out of my hand. Jessica let out a little scream, which Toby laughingly imitated. Panicked, I looked out toward the gym. If I yelled, maybe an adult would hear me, but I saw the doors closing and clicking shut. Through one thin rectangular windowpane, I saw what looked like Mrs. Lutzkraut walking away.

  They got me!

  And, almost as if reading my mind, Josh said, “No one’s saving you this time.”

  He was right. There was no one around. Jessica, Slim, and Rishi stood frozen. Josh pulled back his right fist and fired.

  I tried to jump back, but my fancy wedding shoes had no traction and flew out from underneath me. I let out a shout as I fell backward, feeling one of my hard, pointy shoes connect squarely with Josh’s chin. His head snapped back and he barreled into a shocked Toby. As I hit the ground, I saw them smash into the table and watched the punch bowl land on top of them. Josh was dazed and Toby was under him, soaked in red punch. The whole fight lasted about one second.

  Slim and Jessica grabbed me by the arms and helped me up. We hurried back into the gym as some of the parents went running over to investigate the loud crash. We could just hear their angry yells before we slipped into the crowd.

  Too shaken to dance, we moved to the far corner to catch our breath. Rishi was the first to speak. “All this time, Rodney, you never told us you knew karate!”

  “Well, I, uh,” I mumbled.

  Slim interjected, “Yeah, you yelled just like Bruce Lee as you kicked him!” Slim then yelled a high-pitched karate scream. “Whaaaaaaaaaaaach ooooooooaaaaaaaahhhhh!!”

  “Quiet down, guys,” Jessica said, “Rodney might get into big trouble.” She was still holding my arm.

  At that moment we noticed a pink-stained pair being led out of the gym by a couple of parents and Mr. Feebletop. Both boys looked miserable. Josh stumbled along holding his chin and Toby was limping. Rishi and Slim ran off to tell Dave and Kayla what had just happened.

  Jessica remained by my side. “Rodney, I never knew someone could be so brave. Josh is so big and scary. I couldn’t move, and you just handled it like it was nothing. You kicked him in the head. It was like a movie! You know, you’re not only brave, but you’re nice, funny, and kind.”

  “You forgot cute,” I joked.

  “You are cute,” she said, smiling. At that very moment the DJ dimmed the lights and started playing a slower song. I looked over and noticed Rishi at the DJ’s side. He gave me the thumbs-up sign. As Jessica and I began to dance, I somehow knew we were going to kiss. I closed my eyes, puckered up, and leaned in.

  Her lips felt cold, saggy, and bony, not at all what I had dreamed about for months. I snapped open my eyes and realized I was kissing the back of Mrs. Lutzkraut’s hand. “We’ll have none of that at this dance! Jessica, go tell Kayla I want her to stop twirling Dave around the room.” Jessica and I stood still, gazing at each other. “Run along now, Jessica.” She looked disappointed, but headed off into the crowd. As for Mrs. Lutzkraut, she glared at me long and hard before opening her mouth.

  “You were in the lobby and caused the whole commotion. I’ll make sure that Mr. Feebletop punishes you this time for starting the fight. . . .”

  “Oh really?” I asked. “If you saw me there, how come you didn’t do anything to stop the fight? In fact, how come you closed the gym doors? And how come you didn’t join the parents when they went running in? I’m sure Mr. Feebletop will have a lot of questions for you.”

  “Why you impudent, ill-mannered . . .” Her head began to shake back and forth as she searched for the right word. She was ready to blow. Finally, still shaking and twitching, she turned and hurried off just as my dad arrived to pick me up.

  “Was that Mrs. Lunchbox?” he asked.

  “Lutzkraut.” I smiled.

  “Well she looks kind of batty, if you ask me. Anyway, how was the dance?”

  “Great,” I answered, taking one last look at Jessica across the gym. “Definitely an evening to remember.”

  Chapter 27

  THE FINAL STRETCH

  It was finally here. The last week of school. We were heading to Super Adventure on Tuesday and graduating on Wednesday. Three days left. Sitting in class Monday morning, it seemed like everything was going my way. Mrs. Lutzkraut was running out of time to torture me, news of my ninjalike kick had spread throughout school, and Josh had been missing in action since the dance. I smiled, realizing I might not see him again this year. His partner in crime sat next to me, sulking, but he didn’t matter to me anymore. Time to coast to the finish, I thought. You’d think I would have learned.

  Things didn’t start being bad right away. In fact, Monday was pretty normal—if you consider a crazy teacher normal.

  “As you know, we are heading to Super Adventure tomorrow,” Mrs. Lutzkraut announced. We cheered and immediately her right eyebrow started dancing all around. The thought of us having fun was enough to send her over the edge. “Silence!” she shouted. “I can still cancel tomorrow’s excursion if I choose.” That shut us up. Satisfied, she continued. “Toby, Mr. Feebletop has informed me that you’ll be staying with him tomorrow because of your involvement in a certain incident at the dance. . . .”

  “But you said you’d take care of old Feeb. . . .”

  “Don’t interrupt me, young man!” Mrs. Lutzkraut shouted, suddenly moving toward him like a leopard about to pounce. “A memory can be a dangerous thing.” Normally that would be an odd comment for a teacher to make, but this was Mrs. Lutzkraut, after all. Toby slunk down into his chair as she stood over him. It was interesting to watch someone else go through a Lutzkraut intimidation session. After a nasty pause she headed to her desk.

  Toby wasn’t a legendary school thug for nothing, though. As soon as Mrs. Lutzkraut’s back was turned, he scrunched up his face and stuck out his tongue.

  “It’ll be hard to eat lunch without that thing!” she snapped, her back still facing him. The woman definitely had superpowers. Soon enough, I would be using all my powers to outsmart her.

  The rest of the day I spent as much time as I could with Jessica. We talked about the trip and the summer before us. The late June air was hot, and I soaked it in, feeling good and happy right down to my bones.

  That night I was too excited to sleep, but I must have, because the next thing I knew my father was waking me up and it was morning already. A beautiful, sunny morning.

  “Rodney, it’s five thirty. Time for Super Land.”

  “Super Adventure,” I muttered, getting out of bed.

  My class was set to leave an hour before everyone else arrived at school. After a quick breakfast, my dad drove me to Baber and dropped me off in front of the waiting bus. I climbed in and sat down by Rishi, noticing a few chaperones toward the back. Once we got going, Mrs. Lutzkraut stood up, glared at us, and spoke the words I had been sweating.

  “I have made up our chaperone groups.” I wanted to be with my buddies, but more than that, I desperately hoped Jessica would be with me. Mrs. Lutzkraut rattled off some names. So far, so good. Finally she announced, “As for our last group, the following students will be together: Rodney, Rishi, Tim, Dave, Greg, Kayla, Samantha, and Jessica.”

  It couldn’t have worked out better! It was almost too good. Jessica looked over at me,
smiling. Rishi shouted, “It’s a dream come true!” as he high-fived me.

  “Enough of that,” Mrs. Lutzkraut interrupted. “Yes, since the eight of you have been so poorly behaved, I have placed you together. And I’ll have no problem keeping an eye on you, since I’ll be your chaperone.”

  “Dream come true?” I whispered softly to Rishi. “Nightmare is more like it.” I pondered a day of Mrs. Lutzkraut. I’d be with seven friends, so I doubted she would try anything fishy, but I also knew she wouldn’t allow any fun.

  After thirty minutes of driving on the highway past cornfields and truck stops and more cornfields, Mrs. Lutzkraut stood up again and yelled over the noisy bus engine, “May I have your attention?” A couple of the mothers in the back of the bus continued gossiping together. They didn’t see the famous Lutzkraut sneer, nor did they see her trudge down the aisle toward them. Again, more nastily, she shouted, “I would appreciate your attention!” The chaperones snapped to. They looked at her looming over them and shriveled a bit. Mrs. Lutzkraut’s wilting stare lingered on the two moms for a few seconds more before she turned back and faced the rest of us.

  “I want to go over our day,” she began. “Each chaperone group may go where they want.”

  “We want to go on roller coasters!” Rishi blurted.

  “And visit the snack stands,” Slim added.

  Mrs. Lutzkraut’s glare became as hard as marble. She continued more slowly in a clipped, annoyed tone that no one dared interrupt.

  “Rishi, maybe you’d like to enjoy the inside of this bus today. And, chaperones,” she added, turning to the two moms in the back, “you must focus on your students. This is not a vacation for you.” They shrank even farther down in the green seats. “Do not get separated from your group.” Then she turned from the moms and had a special message just for me. “Remember, Rodney, amusement parks can be dangerous places.”

  Chapter 28

  SUPER ADVENTURE

  Mrs. Lutzkraut’s warning, “Amusement parks can be dangerous places,” still echoed in my head as we pulled up at Super Adventure. What had she meant by that? I watched her get off the bus and walk through the parking lot. I assumed she was going to buy the tickets, but then she cut through two rows of cars and stopped by a . . . no, it couldn’t be. It was the red car.

  I elbowed Rishi. “Hey, who is she talking to over there?”

  “Who?”

  “Mrs. Lutzkraut.”

  “Who cares? Can you see it? There, in the distance, it’s Destination Death, the highest, fastest, most deadly roller coaster in America. It’s calling us. Do you hear it? ‘Rahhhhdney, Rahhhhdney, come ride me,’” he chanted in my ear. “I know you hear it. That thing will scare the pants right off ya.”

  Watching Mrs. Lutzkraut was what was scaring the pants off me. She was leaning over that car talking to some woman wearing a big scarf and sunglasses. Every once in a while she would point back toward us. Eventually the woman got out and the two of them approached the bus. Only Mrs. Lutzkraut climbed back in.

  “Rodney, can you join me for a second?” She headed back into the parking lot.

  My heart was pounding. Everyone was staring at me. “What’d you do, Rodney?” Rishi asked.

  “Nothing,” I muttered, “but I think I’m about to get kidnapped.”

  The perfect day I had planned with Jessica and my friends was going horribly wrong. I walked down the bus steps and faced the woman. Behind the scarf and sunglasses there was something familiar about her. I had seen that nose before. It was long and pointy. . . . Of course! Long Nose. I began to shake, remembering how crazy she had acted that day with the basketball.

  “I see you recognize Ms. Whiner,” Lutzkraut piped up.

  “Uh,” I choked.

  “Yes, well, since you’ve behaved so badly this year, I knew I needed a little extra help with you today. Ms. Whiner will personally watch your every move.”

  “I’m not sure Mr. Feebletop . . .” I began.

  “Don’t mention his name, you little brat,” Long Nose finally spoke, rubbing the back of her head. “After what you did to me with that basketball, you’d better just concentrate on getting through today.”

  Mrs. Lutzkraut turned to me. “Mr. Feebletop will learn that I took every precaution to keep my students safe. After all, Rodney, your safety is my greatest concern.” I shivered at that, but was glad when she finally asked everyone to exit the bus. The class immediately noticed Long Nose, who stood a few paces away.

  “Hey, didn’t she get fired?” Rishi asked.

  Long Nose evidently heard the comment. “I am a chaperone for this trip, and as such, I don’t need to be an employee. Plus, I have the power to exclude you from any ride or activity.”

  Rishi, not wanting to foil his trip to Destination Death, just said, “Well, it’s nice to see you again.” Long Nose didn’t answer. The feeling wasn’t mutual.

  It was early in the day but Super Adventure was already very much alive. I could hear the rumble of roller coasters streaking down from peaks. Screams filled the air. What I heard, Slim smelled. His nostrils were twitching, and I could see his taste buds taking it all in. Super Adventure had something for everyone. For me, that “something” was the blond-haired girl walking next to me.

  We were having fun pointing things out. “Look, Rodney, do you see the photo booth?” Jessica asked. “Let’s get our picture taken.” We parted from the slow-moving class and climbed into the little booth and pulled back the curtain. My mind wasn’t on the picture. Maybe this was it. I slid the money into the bill collector and looked at Jessica, her eyes were twinkling in the dark. Okay, Rathbone, I told myself. Time to make my . . .

  “Aha! Trying to escape!” Long Nose stuck her head in, foiling my kiss attempt as the camera flashed. Just as she tried to open her eyes, the second flash struck. Temporarily blinded and screaming, she ripped the curtain from the booth and stumbled away from the two of us. We had time for one brief smile before the fourth and last picture clicked and we followed her out.

  Long Nose was ranting to herself as Mrs. Lutzkraut approached Jessica and me. “You two are not to be alone together again. In fact, Rodney, I want you to hold Ms. Whiner’s hand.” Neither of us liked that idea. Long Nose took out some antibacterial gel and squirted my hand before grabbing it.

  She had dragged me around before, and my mouth blurted, “Just like old times.”

  “I have to hold your filthy hand, but I will not listen to your filthy mouth all day. No talking.” This was shaping up to be the worst day any kid could ever have at an amusement park. I knew we needed to get away from our jailors, but the hand held me tight. Escape wouldn’t be easy.

  “Are you ready for some rides?” Mrs. Lutzkraut asked.

  “Absolutely!” Rishi yelled.

  “That’s good,” she answered, looking at me and not at Rishi. “Why don’t we head to my favorite ride?”

  “Destination Death?” Rishi inquired.

  “No, we won’t be going anywhere near that one today.”

  Rishi looked crestfallen. As we meandered through the crowds, I pondered what ride could possibly be Mrs. Lutzkraut’s favorite. As it turned out, I was pleasantly surprised. We arrived in front of the bumper cars. The line was short, and it wasn’t long before I was rushing out searching for the perfect car.

  I climbed in, put the one strap over my shoulder, and pressed down several times on the accelerator waiting for the car to zoom to life. I glanced around. When I felt the car hum, I already had my first victim in my sights. Kayla was too busy eyeing Dave to notice me swooping in from behind. I had built up a fair amount of speed and was closing in when I was met by a jarring crash. My head snapped back and I turned to see Mrs. Lutzkraut laughing behind me in a black bumper car painted with red and orange flames.

  She laughed harder still as another car, driven by Long Nose, swept in and crunched me from the right. I was tossed around the car like a rag doll. Mrs. Lutzkraut smashed me again from behind, and now I hi
t the pedal trying to escape. I zoomed off away from them, with Long Nose hot on my tail. I tried some fancy maneuvers in an effort to lose her, but I couldn’t shake her. Finally, I faked a left but pulled hard to the right around Dave, who was trying to escape from Kayla. I was met head on by Mrs. Lutzkraut. Seconds later Long Nose collided with me from behind. I found myself sandwiched between a pair of cackling witches.

  The cars finally died and I breathed a sigh of relief. Leaving the ride, Mrs. Lutzkraut and Long Nose could barely walk, but not because they were in pain. The two of them were now laughing so hard that Mrs. Lutzkraut had to bend over and hold her side. “Ima,” she was trying to tell Long Nose, “I don’t think I’ve ever had so much fun.”

  “We hit that Rathbone kid so hard that my kerchief flew off!” That started the two of them laughing again and I realized this was my chance.

  “Rishi,” I whispered. “Time to make our escape. Spread the word.” I waited until he had whispered to everyone in our group before shouting, “Run!”

  If you were there, you would have seen eight kids tearing through the park, bumping into people and jumping over garbage cans, but you wouldn’t have seen any adults, because after a few hundred yards Mrs. Lutzkraut and Long Nose were nowhere to be seen.

  We all laughed and slowly settled down. Samantha, however, was worried that we were now in big trouble.

  “It’ll be okay, Sam,” Jessica told her. “It’s the second to last day of school. What can they really do to us?”

  “Besides,” Rishi added, “they’ll be sure to blame Rodney and not you.”

  With those wonderful words of encouragement, Samantha relaxed. “Hey, did you hear Lutzkraut call Long Nose something like Ima?” she asked.

  “Yeah, I guess that’s her name,” I answered.

  After a minute it was Jessica who asked, “Wait, her name is Ima Whiner?”

  All eight of us burst out laughing and shouted her full name to everyone we passed. People just looked at us and shook their heads.