“Why not, Trace?” he repeated.
She sighed and walked over to a nearby bench to sit down. He followed her and waited for her to speak.
“After you and I broke up, I had a series of short-term relationships. Most of them I got away from because instead of proposing to me after six months like you did, they tried to get me to sleep with them--some of them didn’t wait that long.”
Devin wasn’t surprised. Tracy had a fantastic body to go with her beautiful eyes and smile. Tonight as they had been walking around the park, he’d been reminded several times that he wasn’t the only guy who thought so.
“Then Zach came along, and I thought he was different. He waited a few weeks before he kissed me, like you had. He seemed content to kiss me good-night at the door. He reminded me of you in other ways too. But after awhile--” She stopped. A tear escaped and rolled down her cheek. Devin placed his fingertips under her chin and tipped her face up toward him. He knew she didn’t want to tell him, but he asked anyway.
“After awhile what?”
“He became more impatient. I thought I was mature enough to handle it, and I thought I had some genuine feelings for him too. But after being with him a few times, I knew it wasn’t right, and I knew I was only trying to please someone I didn’t even love. ”
Devin had thought about Tracy a lot during the last four years, and often he had prayed for her, sometimes in a deeply desperate way, like he knew something wasn’t right. Her admission broke his heart. Not for him, but for her.
He pulled her close and stroked her hair with his fingertips, wishing he could wash all her pain away. He shouldn’t have let her go so easily. He should have done more to hold on to her until she felt ready to marry him. He should have called her one of those times she was on his heart.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
She pulled away from him and reached into her purse for a tissue. After drying her eyes and blowing her nose she said, “You, Devin Taylor, don’t have a thing to be sorry for. And don’t you dare go blaming yourself for my mistakes.”
She rose from the bench and started walking again. He followed her and considered letting it drop. He didn’t want to make her talk about this if she’d rather not, but he didn’t want her to put up a wall either. He decided to be a little pushy, just enough to get her to talk if she needed that.
Gently but deliberately he reached for her and pulled her into his arms. “Don’t shut me out, Trace. I said I wanted to know, and I meant it. You can talk to me about this and anything else. You know that.”
He felt her slowly relax and accept the comfort he wanted to give her. Holding her in his arms, especially like this, didn’t compare to anything he had ever experienced. He wanted to protect her from anything like that ever happening to her again. He wanted to take care of her for the rest of his life. And he could only hope and pray she would allow him to do that.
CHAPTER THREE
Tracy didn’t want Devin to let go. She let the tears fall. Devin probably thought they were tears of pain for the hurt she had experienced, and in part they were, but mostly they were tears of joy. She had turned Devin away once, but he had been waiting all this time for her, and even her mistakes would not stop him from loving her.
She looked into his face and spoke purely from her heart--a heart that had missed him. “I don’t want to rush this, Devin. I think I need some time to heal and learn to trust again, but I want you back in my life. Will you have me?”
He smiled gently and spoke in a hushed voice. “I’m all yours, sweetheart. I’ve never given my heart to anyone else, and I don’t think I ever could.”
He held her for a long time. She felt like she had come home. She hadn’t realized what she’d had in Devin four years ago, but now she knew. Romantic love, spiritual love, security, commitment, purity, joy--all things that had characterized their relationship before were suddenly within her grasp once again. All she had to do was accept it and enjoy.
Devin didn’t ask her anything more about the last four years of her life, and there wasn’t much to tell. In a way she wished they had never existed and she could go back in time to when Devin had asked her to marry him. She would say ‘yes’ this time. But they had happened, and she had learned some really big lessons. She knew she needed to go on from here.
“I think it must be about time for a ride on the Ferris wheel,” he said. “What do you think?”
Twilight had fallen around them. She didn’t hesitate to respond. “I think so too.”
As they approached the gigantic wheel in all of its nighttime splendor, Tracy noticed a young couple in front of them. Mom and Dad were in the middle, holding hands with a child on either side of them. The little girl had a bag of cotton candy. The boy had a little flashlight pointed toward the sky with his head tilted back, looking for the beam of light amongst the dim stars.
Tracy smiled. She could imagine being a mommy, sharing the joys and challenges of parenting with Devin. She had never been able to imagine it with anyone else. Some of the guys she had dated she had liked all right, but she could never envision--forever. But she could imagine it with Devin.
The seats of the Ferris wheel were being loaded one by one as they approached the entrance gate. Handing the attendant their tickets, they stepped onto the platform and took the next available chair. Tracy settled herself against Devin’s side with ease. She didn’t feel the need to hide how much she enjoyed being with him. He draped his arm around her shoulder, seeming equally comfortable holding her close.
A few more seats were loaded, and they began going up and around and back down. She thoroughly enjoyed herself, feeling like she had been transported to fairy-tale land. She couldn’t have asked for a better reunion with Devin.
The ride slowed down gradually and soon came to a stop to let riders off and on once again. Glancing up at Devin while they waited high above the ground, she found his eyes on her. They both smiled, and Tracy knew they were both thinking the same thing. This was the moment they had come here for.
Devin kissed her with the same tenderness she remembered.
“Are you sure you want this, Devin? I know what I told you must hurt you--that I gave myself to someone else who didn’t even ask me to marry him. How can you want me back? How can you forgive me?”
“Because if I don’t, you can never be mine, and I don’t want that.”
He kissed her again and didn’t try to guard his own heart.
“I still love you, Tracy. I tell you that because I want you to feel secure, not pressured to take this any faster than you’re comfortable with. All right?”
“All right.” she replied.
***
Over the next few months, Devin did exactly what he said that night. He gave Tracy space to take their relationship at a pace she felt comfortable with, and he was pleasantly surprised it didn’t take her long to fully become the Tracy he remembered. Occasionally the pain in her eyes would surface, but most of the time she appeared to enjoy this time in her life and their time together.
They saw each other almost every day. He usually picked her up after she got home from work and either took her out to dinner or to his condo and had dinner waiting for her there. They became best friends, more so than they had before. They could talk for hours about anything and everything. They could have fun together or just sit and do basically nothing. Because he didn’t want them to be alone together at his or her place too much, they went for long walks in the evening while the summer lasted.
After fall came, bringing cooler temperatures and shorter days, they discovered a wonderful friendship with Lily and Peter who had gotten back together and married in August. They began double-dating with the newlyweds on a regular basis. Even though he and Tracy weren’t married or engaged, they both enjoyed being out with the married couple more than when they went out with single friends.
“We have what they have, don’t we?” she commented one evening in late October. They had spent the evening playi
ng cards with Peter and Lily.
“I think so,” he said. “I think that’s why we always have such a good time with them.”
“You look at me the way Peter looks at Lily.”
“Do I?”
“Yes.”
“Does that make you happy or scared?”
“Happy,” she replied. “I’ve never been as happy as I am now. Even when I have difficult days, seeing you always makes up for anything bad.”
He pulled up to her building but didn’t get out of the car immediately. Turning to face her with the car running and the music playing softly, he leaned over and kissed her familiar lips in the same way he always did.
“I’m happy too, and I love you very, very much.”
She smiled at him. He hadn’t said that to get the response she gave him, but he gladly welcomed the words he had waited a long time to hear.
“I love you too, Devin.”
He had told himself he would wait until Christmas to propose to her, and he felt committed to that decision, but for the first time since getting back together with her, he allowed himself to fully believe she would be his wife someday.
***
“May I ask you something, Lily?” Tracy asked her friend after the other women in their Bible study had left for the evening.
“Sure. What’s up?” Lily asked, perching herself on the edge of the couch beside her.
Tracy tried to decide how to best phrase this. “How did you know when you were ready to marry Peter?”
Lily thought for a moment. “Well, when he asked me, I knew I wanted to and I said yes. But I don’t think I was actually ready until a few days before the wedding. We didn’t have a very long engagement, but I needed those days to get to know Peter better and be certain I wanted him forever.”
“Do you ever wish you would have waited longer?”
“No.”
“Is being married a lot different than being engaged?”
“In some ways,” she replied. “Did Devin propose?”
“No, not yet. But I have a feeling he’s going to when we go to Germany with his family for Christmas.”
“Are you planning to say yes?”
“Yes. I know I want to marry him, but I’m not sure I’m ready yet. Do you think he’ll be upset if I want to be engaged for six months or more?”
“I think that’s pretty standard. I always thought I would be engaged for at least that long. Both of my sisters were. Camellia thought I was absolutely crazy to marry Peter so soon. But for me, I knew it was right. For someone else it might not be.”
“Thanks, Lily,” she said, reaching for her Bible and purse. “That makes me feel better.”
Lily walked her to the door and gave her a hug. Tracy confirmed their plans to go out to dinner with her and Peter tomorrow night. Driving to her apartment, she heard her phone ring as soon as she stepped through the door.
“Hi, I just got in,” she said. Devin always called at this time on Tuesdays to make sure she had gotten home safely.
“How was Bible study?”
“Good. How was your evening?”
“Boring.”
She laughed. “Oh, really? Why is that?”
“I’m not sure how I survived those four years without you.”
“Do you want to come over? It’s not that late.”
“Mmmm, tempting,” he replied. “But I better not. I may never get out of there.”
Despite what Lily said, Tracy feared Devin may not want to wait too much longer to marry her. But she needed more time. Not so much to know whether or not she wanted to marry him, but more time to enjoy a solid, secure dating relationship.
“But if you really want me to, I will,” he said, misinterpreting her silence.
“No, you’re right,” she said. “I was just thinking.”
“About what?”
“About you.”
“Yeah? What were you thinking?”
“About how great you are.”
“Am I?”
“Yes. I thank God for you every day. I can’t imagine my life without you.”
“I can’t imagine my life without you.”
A long silence followed. Tracy knew exactly what Devin was thinking and half-expected him to propose to her over the phone.
“Are we still on for tomorrow night with Lily and Peter?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. I’ll see you then. Get some good rest, all right?”
“All right. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
CHAPTER FOUR
Tracy felt bummed.
Devin had left today with his family to spend Christmas with his grandparents in Germany, but she had to stay behind. After coming down with a bad cold two days ago, she had decided it would be best to stay. She often battled bronchitis when she came down with a cold and didn’t want to be in a foreign country if she needed to go to the doctor, or have everyone fussing over her instead of enjoying the trip.
Devin had offered to remain behind as well, but she had insisted he go. She knew his family was important to him. But she already missed him. He had become a part of her everyday life. His absence left a great void.
Charisse, her friend at work, called her from Dr. Hanson’s office that afternoon. Officially Charisse called to pass on a message from Dr. Hanson, saying that since she ended up being sick on her vacation, she could use up her sick days and take her vacation days at a later time.
She and Charisse chatted for a bit, mostly about Charisse’s current problems that never seemed to go away. Tracy had often wanted to point Charisse toward God but never knew what to say. For Charisse, life was about survival--just making it from one day to the next. Charisse had been happy for her in how well things were going with Devin, but she often cautioned her about trusting a man too much. Tracy didn’t know how to explain to her how or why Devin was different.
“Have a nice Christmas,” Charisse said after sharing her latest plight with an ex-boyfriend who had been coming around again. “I hope you feel better by then.”
“Thanks. You have a nice Christmas too. I might drop in sometime next week if I can. Tell Dr. Hanson if he needs me I can probably work a couple of days. I know Angelina had been hoping to get a few days off.”
“I’ll let them know,” she said. “Love you, sweetheart. Feel better.”
Tracy hung up and took a couple of minutes to pray for Charisse. “I wish I knew what to say to her, God. I know she needs you, but how can I make her see that? I don’t know how.”
She stayed in bed or on the couch for the next two days, then felt well enough to get out and do a little shopping she had put off. That evening she felt drained and knew she needed to stay inside for the remainder of the day so she could enjoy a good Christmas with her family on Friday.
By Christmas day she felt better. She was planning to go to her parents’ house for an afternoon dinner and gift exchange. They lived an hour and a half from Portland, so she would stay there through the weekend. Devin called her from Germany at ten, shortly after she got out of bed. After talking to him for close to an hour, she knew he would have to go soon and felt tears welling up in her eyes. He would be back in a week, but that seemed like an incredibly long time. She had never missed someone so much in her entire life.
“I miss you,” she said, letting a tear escape and trickle down her cheek.
“I miss you too,” he replied. “Just a few more days and I’ll be back, holding you in my arms and giving you sweet kisses.”
“You can always make me smile,” she replied, brushing away her tears and reminding herself that he was coming back. She didn’t have to question it. She knew he loved her and couldn’t imagine anything changing that.
“I have something to ask you,” he said.
“What?”
“I wanted to do this in person, but since you’re there and I’m here, and that’s not possible, I don’t want to wait until I get back.”
“Okay,” she said,
wondering what he could possibly want to ask that would be important enough to want to ask in person yet not put off a week.
He paused then asked in a quiet, tender voice. “Will you marry me, Tracy?”
She held her breath for a moment, but a smile began to form on her lips. “What?”
“You heard me.”
“Devin! You’re proposing to me over the phone from Germany?”
“That’s right.”
She laughed. “Are you down on one knee?”
“No. I’m sitting on the stairs.”
“Do you have a ring?”
“No, but you do, if you want it.”
“What?”
“Go look in your cookie jar.”
She laughed. “Are you serious?”
“Go look.”
She stepped into the kitchen and walked to the far end of the counter where she had a cookie jar tucked away in the corner. She rarely had cookies in there. Devin had commented on that several times when he had been at her place and attempted to raid her kitchen. She ate too healthy for his liking.
Taking off the white ceramic lid, she placed it on the counter and tipped the base so she could see inside. The band slid across the glazed, clean bottom and clinked on the side of the jar.
She sighed and closed her eyes. “Oh, Devin,” she whispered.
“Will you?” he asked. She could hear a hint of fear in his voice. She knew the questions running through his mind. Would she reject him like she had before? Would he have something to come home to, or not?
“I love you, Tracy,” he said. “I’ll take care of you always. I promise.”
She wanted to respond but couldn’t get the word past her constricted throat. The tears came once again, this time uncontrollably. The back of her hand became too wet to keep wiping them away, and she reached for a tissue.
“We don’t have to rush it. If you want to wait until this summer or even longer, I’m fine with that. I just want to know that you’re going to be mine.”
Bring Me Flowers (Garden of Love 5) Page 2