At her silence he reached for her hand and held it until they reached her place. She liked him touching her. It was a comfortable feeling that she didn’t have any reason to object to, except that they weren’t supposed to be in a relationship. But she wanted it. She didn’t know how to put aside her fears and let it happen.
Walking her to the door at six-forty, Jacob tried one more time. “If it would be easier, you could call me sometime.”
She admitted something that had become very clear to her tonight, even more so than on their first date.
“You remind me of him.”
“Is that good?”
“Yes.”
“If you’re not comfortable with us dating yet, Kristin, I understand. But you can call me anytime if you want to talk. No strings attached, honestly. I’ll just listen and be a friend for now, if you need that.”
“Thank you. I might do that.”
“I’m usually home in the evenings except for Thursdays. I have worship-band practice then.”
She didn’t tell him that was the one night of the week she was busy too, but she couldn’t help but think how well their schedules would mesh: something that had been a problem in her relationship with Brandon. He had always been much busier than her, making her live for the time they could have together, which probably hadn’t been good for her emotional stability.
“Thank you for dinner,” she said.
“Anytime.”
She almost said, ‘How about Friday?’, but she held her tongue. One thing she had realized tonight was that she hadn’t taken any serious time to pray about whether or not she was meant to be with Jacob. She’d whispered a few desperate ones in the midst of emotional moments, but nothing where she was really seeking God’s plan for her on the matter.
She wanted to do that first and then go from there, rather than making an impulsive decision now.
***
On Friday afternoon Kristin left the school and headed for the mall. With Kendra’s birthday coming up on Sunday, she wanted to buy her sister the dress she had gone nuts over when they had gone shopping together last weekend. She also needed to look for some black slacks for herself and a pair of brown loafers to replace the worn ones she had on her feet.
Driving to Valley River Center, she found a parking space and stepped out of her car, hurrying through the cold wind to the mall doors. She browsed the women’s clothing in several shops before finding the right slacks, ones that fit her and would be nice enough to wear to both church and school. They were on sale, and she decided to get two pairs.
She found the dress Kendra had pointed out and was pleased to see they had one in the right size. On her mission to find shoes, she took her time and visited several different stores before finding what she wanted. Deciding to go to the food court and grab some dinner for herself instead of going home to fix something and eat alone, she received her food and wove through the maze of tables, searching for a place to sit down. She spotted a small one along the railing. Glancing at the people she passed, a familiar face caught her eye. He saw her at the same moment.
“Trevor Richardson, is that you?” she said, watching her little sister’s high school sweetheart rise from his chair.
“Hello, Kristin,” he said. “How are you?”
“I’m good,” she said. “You sure have grown up. Could you possibly have gotten any taller?”
“Maybe an inch or two,” he said, flashing the same smile she remembered. “Did you ever meet my brother?”
Kristin looked to the other guy sitting at the table. They looked like brothers, having the same strawberry blond hair and pale blue-gray eyes. “I think maybe once,” she said, “but he has definitely grown a few inches.”
Trevor introduced them, explaining that she was Kendra’s older sister. “How is Kendra?” he asked.
“She’s fine,” Kristin said. “She’s working on her master’s degree in Counseling at U of O. Are you living in Eugene again?”
“Not yet. I’m in town this weekend for a friend’s wedding. I’m getting my masters in teaching this year though and hope to find a job around here.”
Trevor, a teacher? That was a surprise. “What do you want to teach?”
“P.E. and Health. I also hope to do some coaching.”
Now that made sense. “I teach at Green Valley Middle School,” she said. “I could keep my ears open for jobs in our district.”
“That would be great,” he said. “Here, let me give you my number and email address so you can reach me.”
He jotted down the information on a napkin and handed it to her. “It’s good to see you,” he said. “Tell Kendra hello for me.”
“I’ll be sure to do that,” she said, tucking the napkin into her purse.
Kristin tried to call Kendra as soon as she got home but got her voice mail. Wanting to hear her reaction when she told Kendra she had seen Trevor, she left a message for her to call back. She did some work on her computer and then felt restless. She watched television for awhile, picked up a novel she had been meaning to read for weeks, and flipped through some mail-order catalogs, but nothing held her interest for long.
Staring at the phone more than once, she knew she wanted to call Jacob, but something held her back. Her thoughts kept returning to Brandon, and she finally went to her closet, pulling a box from the top shelf.
She sat down on her bed and began looking through the items inside: keepsakes from her and Brandon’s courtship. Cards, notes, movie ticket stubs, dried flowers, and other miscellaneous things she had collected. She flipped through pictures of them together at the beach, on vacation at Sunriver with his family, and on special occasions. His brother had caught them kissing under the mistletoe on Christmas Eve, and she stared at the snapshot for a long time.
She read through most of the cards: Birthday, Christmas, Get Well, Just Because, and of course, Valentine’s Day. She saved those for last. There were three of them. Looking at the one he had given to her on their first Valentine’s Day together when he had told her he wanted to be more than friends, she read the words on the front.
For My Special Friend... A bouquet of roses graced the background.
Turning to the inside, she read the verse:
I love the times when I’m with you
You make everything beautiful
Take my hand and let us walk together
My friend, my special friend.
Underneath the poem Brandon had written these words:
Kristin, you are very special to me. I hope our relationship continues to grow in the months to come. Love, Brandon
Taking a deep breath, she put it back in the envelope and laid it aside. She also read the letter he had sent to her a few months ago after he had met with her to ask for her forgiveness and make sure she was all right. The letter restated the things he had told her in person, and he thanked her for forgiving him.
She had forgiven him that night, but she had not let go. A big part of her wanted him to come back for her, but it was time to face reality. He was engaged to someone else; no hope remained. With the cards and other items strewn across the bed, she picked up her phone and dialed Jacob’s number. Leaning back on her pillow shams, she waited for him to pick up. She felt scared but knew she needed to take this step.
“Hello?” he answered.
“Jacob?”
“Yes.”
“Hi, this is Kristin,” she said, wondering if he knew more than one Kristin. She almost clarified and gave him her last name also, but he knew.
“Kristin,” he said warmly. “How are you?”
“Not so good,” she replied, feeling tears stinging her eyes.
He didn’t sound surprised nor alarmed. “What’s wrong?”
“I miss him, and I don’t know how to get over that. I like you, Jacob, really. It’s just--”
He waited for her to finish, and she told him everything. From the crush she’d had on Brandon in high school, to the first time they had gone out, and
all that followed. He listened without comment except for the times she checked to make sure she wasn’t boring him. He assured her otherwise, and she continued through Valentine’s Day one year ago when he had proposed.
“I knew something wasn’t right after that. I busied myself with beginning to plan the wedding and wrote his aloofness off as stress from his business. But then one evening he came over and said he needed to tell me something.”
Thinking about his words made the tears come.
“Don’t stop now, Kristi,” Jacob’s voice broke through the line. His words were tender, and she brushed back her tears.
“He said, ‘I’m sorry Kristin, but I can’t marry you,” her voice broke. “I care about you, and I love you, b-but not like that.’”
Unable to keep from breaking into sobs, she lowered the phone from her ear and clicked it off. The phone rang within ten seconds, but she didn’t pick up and didn’t notice when it stopped. She cried until her stomach ached and then crawled under the covers, hugging her pillow while quiet sobs shook her body.
She felt relieved and disappointed when the phone remained silent. Jacob must think I’m a basket case--an emotional wreck. I probably am. I’m never going to get over Brandon. Never!
A knock on her front door made her jump. She rose from the bed and walked into the front room. She checked the window and saw Jacob’s car in her driveway.
She leaned against the door and wiped her wet cheeks with the back of her hand. Everything inside of her screamed to not let Jacob in, but she opened the door and faced him.
“What are you doing here?” she asked, feeling like an idiot. “It’s after--”
“Come here,” he said, stepping forward to take her into his arms. “I couldn’t hold you over the phone.”
His touch brought more tears. She couldn’t let go or push him away. She didn’t have the strength to fight his loving embrace and cried into his shoulder. She felt bad for crying over another guy in his arms, but he didn’t say or do anything to indicate she didn’t have that freedom.
When her tears subsided, he led her over to the couch and sat down beside her. He didn’t say anything, and she didn’t have anything to add to what she had already told him.
“I’m sorry, Jacob. I shouldn’t have dumped all this on you.”
“Did it help?” he asked.
“I don’t know yet,” she replied honestly. “I’m not sure anything can change how I feel.”
“How do you feel? In one word.”
She thought about that.
“Worthless. And alone.”
He reached for her hand and stroked her fingers gently. “You’re not worthless, Kristin. And you’re not alone.”
She looked at him and knew he was right, but the feelings remained. She was sitting here with a perfectly wonderful man, and he wanted to be here, but she couldn’t accept that reality. She didn’t know how.
Jacob touched her cheek and leaned toward her. She didn’t move away, and she closed her eyes. Feeling his warm lips press softly onto her own, she let him kiss her. For a moment she imagined Brandon’s lips were on hers once again as she had dreamed about so many times, but she was quickly caught up in a passion she had never known before.
“Kristi,” he whispered, drawing her closer. “You are so beautiful and amazing. This might sound crazy, but I love you. I’ve never felt this way about anybody.”
She gave in to the longing his tender kisses stirred within her, and she wanted to repeat the words back to him. Jacob was doing things to her body, mind, and heart. Nice things. Pleasurable things. Meaningful things. But fear seized her along with the passion. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of losing him in the end.
She pushed herself away. “Jacob, I can’t do this right now,” she said, rising to her feet. “It was really sweet of you to come over here. But I think I’d like to be alone.”
He rose to meet her. “I don’t believe you.”
She couldn’t look at him. If she did, she wouldn’t be able to look away. He would try to kiss her again, and she would let him. Turning him away now may be difficult, but not as heart-wrenching as six months or a year from now. She wasn’t ready. She wasn’t ready to risk her heart. She may never be.
“I wasn’t kissing you,” she lied. “I was kissing Brandon.”
She felt awful. How could she say such a thing? Even if it were true, she couldn’t imagine saying something so hurtful to him.
She expected him to turn and walk away, giving up his pursuit once and for all. But instead he cradled her cheek in his palm and waited for her eyes to meet his.
“I don’t believe you,” he repeated. “I will give you time and space, but don’t shut love out of your heart forever. You need someone to love you, Kristin, and I want to be that someone.”
CHAPTER NINE
“Happy Birthday, Dear Kendra...” the entire Swan clan sang, holding out the ahh in three-part harmony. “Happy Birthday to you.”
Kendra closed her eyes, sported a dreamy smile, and held her curly hair back before blowing out all twenty-three candles in one breath. Everyone whooped and hollered. Their older brother, Kevin, made a comment about Kendra being full of hot air. Kristin put on a happy face for her sister and the rest of her family, but inside she felt distant and depressed.
Somehow she made it through the evening. Kendra loved the dress she had bought for her along with the other gifts she received. The chocolate cake and ice cream tasted bland to Kristin. Even the lemonade didn’t have its usual zing. She felt like getting out of the overcrowded one bedroom apartment and crawling into the solitude of her bed.
She ended up staying the latest to help clean up. Her other siblings had kids and needed to get home. When the last plate had been put in the dishwasher, she set the cycle to Wash and went to Kendra’s room to say good-night, finding her sister removing the tags from her new clothes and hanging them in the closet.
“I should get going,” Kristin said. “I have some homework to grade.”
“Hold on,” Kendra said, closing the closet door. “Come on, what’s up with you? You’ve been like a puppet all night.”
“A puppet?”
“Yeah, saying the right things, smiling at the right time, going through the motions, but not really here. What’s going on?”
“I’m tired,” she lied.
“Tired schmired. Come on Kris, this is me. Out with it.”
Kristin sighed and let Kendra lead her to the bed. She flopped onto her stomach and rested her chin on her folded arms. Kendra joined her, propping herself on one elbow.
“I talked to Jacob on Friday,” she said. “I told him about Brandon.”
“And?”
“And,” she replied, keeping her voice monotone and unemotional, “he kissed me.”
Kendra’s jaw dropped. “How was it?”
Kristin tried to hide her smile. She didn’t succeed. “Amazing.”
“No way! The fine principal has a wild, throw-caution-to-the-wind side? I love it!”
“Kendra! Get your feet back on the ground, would you? This is a major crisis.”
“Crisis schmisis--”
“Kendra, would you stop with the rhymes? Do you want to hear this or not?”
Kendra zipped her lips and threw away the imaginary key.
Kristin gave her a brief version of the week’s events, finishing with what Jacob had said after she tried to push him away. Kendra listened without interrupting. Amazingly enough.
“What a mess! How did I ever let you talk me into going out with him?”
“May I say something?” Kendra asked.
“Go ahead,” Kristin said, burying her head under the pillow. Kendra’s voice came through loud and clear nonetheless.
“I understand you’re trying to get over Brandon. Believe me, I know how hard that is, but--”
“Oh, I forgot to tell--” Kristin tried to interrupt, pushing the pillow aside.
“Let me finish,” Kendra stopped her. Kristin purse
d her lips and waited.
“But, ask yourself this,” Kendra continued. “What if there had never been a Brandon. How would you be feeling about Jacob right now? Would you be pushing him away and calling this a major crisis? Or would you be going shopping for a wedding dress?”
Kendra’s dramatics did not faze her this time. Kristin’s mind had taken a detour from her own potholes for the moment. She had a message to deliver.
“Guess who I saw at the mall on Friday?” she said, sitting up like a giddy schoolgirl.
“Who?” Kendra asked, obviously perplexed at her sudden mood change.
Kristin scrambled off the bed to retrieve her purse from the chair across the room. She unsnapped it and fished for the napkin she had stuffed inside. Returning to the bed, she held it out for Kendra.
Kendra took it from her and sat up. Kristin watched as her eyes fell on the name and information written in blue ink.
“Trevor?” Kendra whispered, lifting her eyes. “You saw him?”
Kristin nodded.
“And he gave you his email and phone number for you to give to me?”
“Well, not exactly,” Kristin admitted. She explained about him looking for a teaching job.
“He’s going into teaching and wants to coach?” Kendra asked.
Kristin smiled. “Looks like your advice didn’t go unheard after all.”
“I doubt he gave you this with the intention of letting me know how to contact him,” Kendra said, handing the napkin back to her.
“Maybe, maybe not. He said to tell you hello.”
Kendra lowered her gaze and tucked her knees into her chest. “Some things are better left alone, Kris.”
“Like keeping Jacob at arm’s length?”
“That’s different,” Kendra defended.
“Not that different, Ken. I think you should at least email him, say hello, and see how he’s doing. What could it hurt?”
Kendra looked up, gazing coyly at her. “I’ll make you a deal.”
Kristin felt wary. “What?”
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