by CJ Anaya
“You’re only different on the outside.” He closed the short distance between us and lifted my chin. “You’re a little taller this time around, and your eyes are blue instead of brown. Your hair is no longer below your waist and your clothing includes denim skirts and gold stilettos.”
I couldn’t help but grin at that. He returned my smile with one of his own.
“You’re not Japanese, and you look a man straight in the eyes instead of staring at the ground and bowing from the waist.” He raised his hand and tucked a rebel strand of hair behind my ear. “You may be packaged a bit differently, but you’re still strong, loving, self-sacrificing, and absolutely beautiful.” His lips were inching closer to mine.
Wait! Am I ready for this?
I wanted to have an honest conversation here. I had a choice. I had a mind of my own. What was happening to my steely resolve? I couldn’t figure out how Victor had managed to get past my defenses so fast. I was trying to let him down easy, and here he was moving in for another kiss.
“But most important of all,” he said softly, “you’re still mine.”
His last statement sent an angry spark of outrage coursing through me. I think he saw it in my eyes because he didn’t wait for me to react to how I felt. Instead, he closed the few inches left between us and embraced my lips with his.
I think there must be some kind of “stupid” chemical that’s released within a girl’s brain the moment a Greek god, or in this case a Japanese god, begins kissing her in a possessive/assertive sort of way.
Despite my fierce desire to be my own person and to have a say in who I married, and despite the fact that Victor’s assumptions of ownership irritated the hell out of me, a completely different desire trumped all others. I actually enjoyed being pursued by this guy. In a day and age where most women made absolute fools of themselves while chasing guys who really weren’t worth it, I found myself loving this awesome role reversal. There was something so intimate about being held in arms that were powerful enough to slice a giant cat’s head off!
Victor surprised me by holding back a little. He wasn’t quite as forceful as he’d been the first time we kissed, but I didn’t want him to be gentle. I mean, he’d been waiting a long time for this, right? If he had the nerve to tell me I belonged to him and then push through my confusion to kiss me despite my reservations, I wanted this to be worth it. I wanted to see how far he was willing to chase me, dang it!
I felt like I was channeling Angie.
His kisses were soft and warm, and I answered back just as softly, sliding my palms up his chest. Then I pulled my lips back ever so slightly and pushed away from him. I wanted to see how he’d react to that kind of setback. For any normal guy, I’m sure this would have been a signal that it was time for the kiss to end.
Victor’s hands, which had previously been resting lightly on either side of my waist, slid round to the curve of my spine which brought our lips nicely back into position. He was holding me more firmly, but his kisses were still coming soft and slow.
I decided to try something else. I pulled my lips away completely and looked down, but I didn’t try to step away from him. Instead, I reached behind me and made a very half-hearted attempt at pulling his arms from around my waist. He surprised and delighted me by grabbing my hands with his, pinning them gently behind me and pulling me flush with his chest. I avoided looking him in the eye. I was afraid he’d see how much fun I was having.
I couldn’t believe I’d waited this long to kiss someone.
“Hope, please look at me,” he said in a strained voice.
I did as he asked and was shocked to see the raw emotion on his face.
“If you don’t want me to kiss you, I won’t. I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to. Just say the word and I’ll let you go, for now, anyway.”
How could I be so unfeeling?
Up until this point, kissing Victor had been a fun little game, but I was forgetting what the stakes were for both of us. I hadn’t considered his emotions or how devastated he’d be if I refused to stand by his side when all was said and done. I had to take this seriously.
“Do you want me to stop? Do you…oh, please Hope don’t ask me to stop,” he begged.
“I don’t want you to stop,” I whispered, “so don’t hold me and kiss me like you think I might break. You’ve waited a thousand years to show me how you feel…so show me.”
He wrapped his arms around me faster than I thought possible and started kissing me in a way that made me feel as if my feet were no longer touching the ground. I held him to me as tightly as I could, wanting to hug and kiss away all the loneliness and guilt he’d been feeling for so long even though I wasn’t entirely sure it was a good idea for me to do so. I guess that was just the healer in me.
I’m not made of stone, though. I wasn’t totally unaffected by the way he held me and demanded crazy passionate kisses. In fact, I was happy to escape into the arms of someone so wholly devoted to loving me. It was much more clear cut than my situation with Tie.
Tie!
Like a cold shower keeping my hormones in check, thoughts of Tie squelched any attempts I might have made to explore this new relationship with Victor. He must have sensed my change in mood because his kisses slowed and he eventually pulled back.
His eyes swallowed me whole. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t let him love me and kiss me, thinking that I might feel the same way. How could I be with him when thoughts of Tie sent my heart turning in a totally different direction? It took some effort to hold his gaze and tell him what was on my mind.
“Victor, I’m not carrying around a thousand years’ worth of charged emotion in regards to this relationship, and you have to know that I’m not in love with you.”
Victor nodded. I could feel his hands trembling behind me.
“That doesn’t mean I can’t feel that way, eventually. You have to give me time. I need to get to know you, and I think it would be very beneficial for you to get reacquainted with me.”
His shoulders relaxed a little.
“I think the best way to get to know one another is through talking,” I continued.
His grin brightened the contours of his face much more effectively than the moonlight did.
“I’m good with talking. Is there anything in particular you’d like to discuss?” he asked.
I thought for a second and realized there was only one thing I really wanted to talk about.
“What’s going on between you and Tie?”
Victor blinked in confusion.
“What?”
“Tie has done nothing to hide how much he hates you. I guess I just want to understand why he hates you. I need to know what’s going on if you and Tie will be working together to protect all of us. Why are you two so at odds with each other?”
He looked at the ground, avoiding my gaze. He took a few steps back and leaned against my father’s car.
“I wasn’t always a very nice person. I was rather full of myself and careless with other people’s emotions. Kami live forever and rarely attach themselves to anyone in particular. We’ve been known to create unions with one another, but a kami’s role in this universe is unchanging and final. To have a job requiring the union of two people would have been a blessing if I could have chosen a bride for myself. I was angry that my future wife had been chosen for me. I was angry I’d have to wait for who knew how long until she even existed. I got tired of it.” He took a deep breath.
These memories were unpleasant for him, and I asked him to remember them anyway.
“I started to mess around with mortals. These women were…convenient.” He cringed at his crude word choice. “They weren’t going to live very long, and even if they did, I didn’t usually spend more than a year with them. I got bored easily back then.”
“Wow.”
“I know. Pretty awful, right?”
I nodded.
“Tie was never like that. He and I had been friends for…well…fo
rever. He warned me about the kind of damage I did to the women I left behind. It’s his responsibility and his calling to help people find their soul mates. My interference prevented many women from doing that. Then one day, he came to me with the same predicament. There was a mortal woman who’d caught his attention.”
I felt a dark stab of jealousy pierce me to my very core. I shook it off, knowing my reaction was silly. I’d just kissed Victor not two minutes ago.
“I was surprised by Tie’s interest in this girl. He’d never been interested in anyone. I didn’t think it possible. He wasn’t created for that, but I guess you see all that happiness between so many couples over the centuries and you begin to want it for yourself, and he wanted this girl. Not for a year, but for eternity.”
My jealousy spiked to an unbearable level, so I asked a question to distract myself.
“Can you make a mortal immortal?”
“All Tie had to do was use a part of his life force to continually heal hers until her own life force took over, but it’s risky. There’s no guarantee a life force will ever develop such a capability, and splitting those healing powers between a god and a mortal causes a kami to age over time. We live forever because we only heal ourselves.”
“Sounds selfish.”
Thinking that there were others out there who could do what I did, but chose not to just so they could stay young and pretty forever made me want to scream a little. Pain and suffering existed everywhere, but it didn’t have to.
It didn’t have to.
“It is selfish, but it’s also our job. It’s what we do, and it has to be that way.”
He wasn’t even remotely apologetic, which bothered me.
“So, Tie was going to risk aging in order to keep this mortal girl with him forever?”
“Yes. I thought it was an awful decision. At the time, I couldn’t imagine a mortal ever being worth it, but he’d thought it through and had already asked the girl to marry him. I guess he’d been seeing her for quite some time.”
“Did this girl have a name?”
My question came out more sharply than I intended. Victor’s eyes narrowed, but he answered anyway.
“Edana,” he replied solemnly. He pronounced it ee-dah-nuh. “It means fire, and Edana was definitely that.”
“That’s very pretty,” I said a bit grudgingly. “It doesn’t sound Japanese.”
Victor smiled.
“It isn’t. It’s Gaelic. Tie travels around quite a bit. He doesn’t stay in Japan all the time, although his home is there. He works closely with other gods who have the same kind of assignments he does.”
“What, like Cupid?” I asked jokingly.
“Yes, although I’ve never liked Cupid much. Thought he was a bit femme, if you know what I mean, always wearing togas and hair pieces.”
I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to laugh or agree with him.
“I’m just joking. I do that when I’m nervous.”
“Oh, of course. That was…very funny.” I felt totally lame.
Victor’s grin spread from ear to ear.
“You’re a terrible liar, Hope. Anyway, Tie was on assignment in Ireland when he saw Edana. They courted for a while, and then he came to me. I decided to go meet this girl and discourage her from spending any more time with him. I thought I was doing him a solid, as you Americans say.”
“Did she know Tie was immortal?”
“No. He hadn’t told her. She had no idea what she was getting herself into. And then when I saw her…” Victor cut off abruptly. I could tell he was having a hard time finishing his narrative. “I wanted her for myself. I figured Tie would get over it eventually and realize what a huge mistake he’d almost made. So I introduced myself to her and began courting her unbeknownst to Tie. Told her I could make her immortal. I told her everything she wanted to hear, and she fell for it. She fell for me, and I thought Tie was in the clear. If she really loved him, she’d have sent me packing, don’t you think?”
He asked his question like he was still trying to justify his actions after all these years.
I did nothing to try and soothe his guilt. I may not have liked the idea of Tie being with anyone else, but the thought of Victor behaving that callous in his friendship with Tie made me angry. I was disappointed in him.
“I take it when Tie found out, he was not pleased?” I pressed.
“No, not at all. Told me he never wanted to see me again. Then he tried to get her back, but I already managed to turn her head. As soon as she rejected Tie, she came to find me.”
Now I was angry with Edana. How could she have turned her back on Tie so quickly?
“And did you give her everything you promised?”
Victor shook his head. There was real remorse in his eyes.
“I thought she was a fickle human being like all the rest. I was sure I’d done Tie a huge favor. I walked away from her thinking she’d go back to him begging for another chance, and he’d see what a waste of emotion she’d been. But she didn’t.” Victor closed his eyes and kept them closed. “In the area she lived there were many jagged mountains and cliffs, and we were standing next to some of them. She walked straight to the edge of one of those cliffs and jumped.”
I gasped. “That’s terrible.” I’d gone from disliking her to feeling very sorry for her. I actually wanted to cry.
“I never believed…I never dreamed she would do something like that. I didn’t know my refusal of her would be so devastating.”
“You stole the only woman Tie ever cared for, rejected her, and watched her walk off a cliff?”
Victor’s frame looked like it had caved in on itself. How awful to carry around that kind of guilt for so long.
“I didn’t watch it. I didn’t know she jumped until I heard her scream. It was the worst thing I’ve ever listened to. I’ve heard her scream in my mind ever since. It changed me. It had to, right? Having your actions drive another person to end their own life isn’t something you ever want to be guilty of. Not even a selfish god like me wants something like that to happen.”
I didn’t know what to say to make him feel better so I asked an obvious question.
“Why didn’t you heal her?”
“I couldn’t. She died before I had time to give her life force the necessary instructions.” He looked like he was fighting back tears. “I did care for her. I think I might have tried to make it work, but my destiny was with someone else, and I knew it. I never touched another mortal woman again, at least, not until you came along, and you were only half mortal.”
“How long after that incident was I born?” I asked.
“A few hundred years. The first time I saw you was at our betrothal ceremony when you were fifteen. I didn’t want to meet you, and I certainly didn’t want to like you. I was still punishing myself for what I’d done to Edana.”
He reached for me again, taking my hand in his.
“But when I saw you…you were so frightened by the throngs of people and by the sight of me. I wanted to whisk you away from everyone. You looked up at me from your incredibly long, dark eyelashes, squared your shoulders, and stuck your chin out. It made me love you.”
“I don’t remember any of this,” I said in frustration.
“You may not ever remember.” He looked relieved at the thought. “It really doesn’t matter now, does it? You’re right here in front of me, breathing in and out and looking just as beautiful as I knew you would. We can fix this now.” He drew me in closer. “We can make this right.”
“Make what right?”
He paused for a moment, clearly hesitant to answer my question. Then he asked one of his own.
“Hope, each time we’ve kissed, have you felt anything or seen anything unusual?”
My eyebrows narrowed at this bizarre question. I opened my mouth to speak, but was interrupted.
“Excuse me,” Angie yelled from the front door.
I stepped away from Victor.
“You owe me some down time,
and I am seriously sleepy. We need to talk before I pass out, and I have no intention of passing out until you give me some much needed best friend attention. Honestly, how did I get bumped to the bottom of the list when I deserve so much more?”
“I’m coming,” I called back. I was actually happy Angie had interrupted our conversation. Victor had given me a lot to process, and I wasn’t ready to discuss my future, with him as a permanent fixture. “I better get inside before Angie comes out and drags me in. She’s scary when she’s pushy.”
“Of course, Hope. We can continue getting to know one another some other time.”
He raised both of my hands to his lips and kissed them. He looked like he wanted to grab hold of me and never let me go, but whatever impulse he felt he managed to resist and merely gave me one of his charming smiles. I watched him walk back to the house and disappear inside.
My conversation with Victor had answered many questions and raised several more. I had no idea what he was trying to fix or how I’d get my memories back. It troubled me that the thought of Victor with a girl like Edana didn’t bother me nearly as much as the thought of Tie with a girl like Edana did.
Was Tie’s flirtatious behavior toward me a way to get even with Victor, and nothing more? He was here to help, but was he also here to hurt? Why would he have led Victor and Ms. Mori to my hometown if he’d been helping my parents at one point?
Why did I remember kissing him?
Nothing about my life made sense anymore.
Ms. Mori’s second floor was like an elegant looking hotel. I couldn’t believe how many rooms there were. It wasn’t like anybody lived with her. Everyone could have had a room to themselves, but Angie and I weren’t about to be separated, although I was dreading the talk we’d have concerning my healing powers.
My father took the room right next to ours. I think if Angie hadn’t been with us he might have demanded to stay in the same room with me. He may have been tired, but his parental rights were being threatened by my mythology teacher, and my life had already been endangered twice tonight.