“What about Gabriel?”
“Gabriel’s dead, and I’ll never have his forgiveness,” I said quietly. “I have to live with that.”
Tony eyed me speculatively. “That must feel awful,” he acknowledged finally. “But you’re still a dick.”
“Agreed.”
“Besides, you know how Elana is,” Cynthia said.
Tony and I turned confused eyes on Cynthia, but it was Mama who spoke. “What do you mean?”
Cynthia shrugged. “She doesn’t show it much around you, Mama, but Elana was always a huge flirt. I always wondered if she was faithful to Gabriel. He was out of town so much …”
“Doesn’t change what Nick did,” Tony said bluntly.
“It’s not all on him, though—“ Cynthia started.
Mama looked to me, her eyes beseeching. I could tell she wanted some shred to grasp onto so she could easily forgive me. I couldn’t give it to her, though.
“My decisions are on me. Elana’s not here, so she would make an easy scapegoat. But I’m the one who betrayed my brother. I have to take responsibility for that.”
Mama sighed and sank back into her seat. Everyone else took her cue, and we sat down as tensions calmed.
“You’ve changed, Nick. I’ve been watching you these past weeks, and … it’s Edie, isn’t it?” Cynthia guessed. “You care about her.”
A glimmer of hope lit Mama’s eyes. Angry with me or not, she was a devoted matchmaker. She couldn’t resist a love story. So, I gave her one.
By the time I’d told her everything — from my disastrous interview with Edie, which elicited another disappointed “Oh, Nickie,” to the moment Edie walked out of my life after demanding I do the right thing — Mama was flat-out crying. Tony stared at me like I was a creature from space; and Cyn smiled at me like a proud mother of a tottering toddler.
As for me, I just felt exhausted.
“Do you love her?” Mama asked.
I cleared my throat. “If I did, I’d want her to be the first to hear me say it.”
She beamed, obviously able to read between the lines, but her smile faded fast. “Nickie, I thought I raised you better than this. You’ve disappointed me.”
I swallowed hard, my eyes firmly on the floor. The hardwood floor was in need of a refinishing. Focusing on the scuff marks in the grains of wood helped distract me from the pain in my chest.
“But today you’ve made me proud, too.”
My head jerked up and I stared at her in disbelief.
“You knew coming clean would be hard, but you did it. That took courage.”
I flushed. “Mama, I’m still selfish. I don’t know if I’d have ever told you if Edie hadn’t left. I just … I told myself there was no point in bringing you more pain after Gabe’s death. I knew that night with Elana was a mistake.”
She nodded. “Maybe so, but it still took courage. And Nick, I know you’ve suffered. You’ve been standoffish, disappearing into your work and not coming for dinner, avoiding the family. No girlfriends, no smiles. I knew something was wrong, but I couldn’t figure it out.”
“Yeah.”
“I hope Edie forgives you, and I’m hoping that for very selfish reasons myself.” I looked up at her, surprised. “I think she makes you a better man. And every man could use a woman like that in his life.”
I nodded. “I agree.”
Tony rolled his eyes, muttering “whipped,” and Cyn smiled.
“Don’t stop trying until you convince her. Persistence, Nickie. Patience. She’s worth it, yes?”
“Yes, Mama.” I agreed wholeheartedly.
***
The following morning, I woke up in my childhood bedroom to the smell of bacon.
After my confession to the family, I’d decided to spend the weekend. I wanted to make up for lost time and reconnect with my family. And I’d slept better than I had in more than a year. Finally, the weight of my secret was off my shoulders.
My stomach rumbled appreciatively, and I smiled into my pillow. There was no better feeling than waking up to Mama’s cooking and the delicious smells that filled the house.
I rolled out of bed and tugged on sweats and a T-shirt before shuffling out to the kitchen. Stopping at the coffee pot, I poured a mug and stepped up behind Mama, who was leaning over the stove.
“Smells great, Mama,” I said, leaning in to kiss her cheek.
Her skin was damp, and her voice shaky as she answered. “It’s just about ready.”
I carefully placed my coffee on the counter, then grabbed her shoulders and turned her. “Mama?”
Tears streaked her cheeks, and she had bags under her eyes. Her look of abject misery brought my guilt rushing back.
“Oh damn,” I cursed, tugging her into a hug. “This is because of me, isn’t it? I’m so fucking sorry—“
“Language, Nickie,” she admonished, her voice muffled against my shoulder.
She stepped back and used a corner of her apron to dab at her eyes. “It’s not just you. I called Elana.”
I tensed. “What did she say?”
Mama sucked in a deep breath. “She didn’t answer at first, but I called twice last night and left a message, and finally she answered this morning.”
She looked up at me with such grief. “She told me that she and Gabriel were on the brink of divorce. Did you know that, Nickie?” She pressed a hand over her chest. “It just hurts my heart to think of my Gabriel’s marriage falling apart.”
“It kills me to know I added to the wedge between them,” I added quietly.
Mama turned back to the stove, turning off the burners before breakfast could overcook. She spoke without looking at me, and that was easier for me to handle.
“If what Elana says is true, you were a side effect of their troubles, not the cause. You made a big mistake, Nickie. But you were wrong about one thing.”
“What?”
“You can still apologize to Gabriel,” she said, as she bustled about plating up breakfast like we weren’t having a heart-wrenching discussion about my betrayal. “Have you been to the cemetery to see him?”
I shook my head. I’d been running from my secret for the past year. I couldn’t face the truth, much less my brother’s grave.
“Go, Nickie. Talk to Gabriel. He’s somewhere listening, and if I know my Gabriel, you’re already forgiven.”
A lump lodged in my throat, and I swallowed hard, but nodded agreement.
“What about Elana? Is everything okay with you two? I know you’ve become close.”
Mama sighed. “I don’t know how to feel. I love Elana like a daughter. I’m angry with both of you, Nickie. But I’m sad for you too. At least Gabriel was spared this, I think. Then I feel like the worst mother for thinking that Gabriel’s death was good for anything. I miss him so much.”
“Me too, Mama.”
“Take Tony with you when you go visit Gabriel. It’ll do him good.” She forced a smile and handed me a platter of scrambled eggs with chorizo. “Now, take that in to the table before the natives get restless.”
***
Cynthia helped set the table, as I delivered platters of food, and we sat down to eat. For once, Mama sat with us instead of leaping up to grab more napkins or the missing salt shaker. That, as much as the bags under her eyes, spoke to her exhaustion.
Tony was the last one to the dining room, and he looked about as good as Mama did. His face was drawn from too little sleep and his mouth was set in a grimace.
“Smells good,” he said, hooking a chair with his foot and yanking it out to sit down.
“Tastes better,” I said.
Tony glared at me, obviously still angry, then turned his attention to Mama.
“Everything looks great, Mama.” He stopped, staring at her tear-stained face, and whipped his head to me. “Goddamn it, Nick. Why are you still here?”
“Tony!” Mama protested.
“No, fuck that. I won’t watch my language when Nick comes home after a year of
dodging the truth and breaks your heart. This isn’t good for you, Mama. He needs to go.”
My hand tightened around my fork, but I kept my words locked up tight. I had no right to defend myself. I did hurt Mama, and I hated it.
“He is my son, and he’ll always have a place here, just like you, Antonio,” Mama said, with a surprising amount of steel in her voice. “It was difficult news, yes. But I’ll decide who is allowed at my breakfast table, not you.”
Tony pushed back. “Fine, I don’t need this.”
He snagged a piece of bacon and shoved it in his mouth, then flipped me off on his way out of the room.
I sagged in my chair. “Maybe I should leave. Give him some space.”
“Don’t do it,” Cyn warned. “You know Tony. He holds a grudge like nobody’s business. You need to talk to him, one-on-one. Make him understand, without all the yelling, that you love Gabriel and regret your actions.”
“I’ve said all that!”
“Say it again,” Cynthia said, giving me a stony look. She must have learned it from Mama.
“Okay, I’ll try,” I said dubiously, and pushed back from the table. “Please rescue me if I’m not back in an hour.”
Cyn cracked a grin, though Mama didn’t seem amused. “Will do, Nickie. Now go fix this.”
***
I tapped on the door to Tony’s room, my gut clenched with nerves.
Tony and I had never been exceptionally close. Just two years apart, Gabriel and I had been much closer. Tony came later, and I was off to college by the time he was 11. But we’d always chilled together when I came by the house.
“’Sup?” Tony called, and I pushed open the door to his room.
He reclined on the bed, his back propped against the headboard, with a laptop on his legs. The keys clicked as he tapped out a few words, then glanced up at me.
His expression shut down when he saw me, and he returned his attention to the keyboard. I hovered anxiously as he typed furiously, wondering if his plan was to ignore me, but after a couple of minutes he closed the laptop.
“What do you want?”
His room had changed a little since he was a kid, but not much. He’d ditched the sports posters and baseball and basketball decals our parents put up when he was a preschooler. Now, his walls were papered with band posters and pictures of cool cars. I wondered if he still had a passion for mechanics.
I’d lost my love of cars — at least fixing up old ones — with everything that happened with Elana.
Across from his bed, a couple of big blue bean bags he’d gotten when he was 13 sat on the floor. I dropped into one, grunting at the impact, the trip down a little farther than I remembered. I grimaced, and adjusted myself to a more comfortable position.
“I was kind of hoping we could talk more,” I said. “I know you’re pissed, but us fighting is only going to hurt Mama more.”
Tony watched me squirm on the bean bag with amusement. “And that’s your only motive for talking to me, huh? For Mama’s sake?”
“To be honest, Tony? Yeah. The truth’s out there, and I can’t change what happened in the past. You can hate my guts for it, if you want. At this point, I’m doing damage control, and my biggest concern there is Mama.”
“Well, that’s awfully selfless of you, Nick. Maybe you should have thought of Mama before you slept with Elana.”
“Look, I know I fucked up. No one is arguing with you—”
“Then back off! It’s going to take more than one fucking day to get over what you did. You betrayed Gabe. Hell, you betrayed all of us. You don’t do that to family. How would you feel if I hooked up with Edie? Maybe I should. Karma’s a bitch.”
I lunged to my feet. “Don’t even fucking think about it.”
Tony shoved off his bed, coming to his feet a few inches from me. He looked me in the eye with a grim smile.
“Edie’s not even your girlfriend. Imagine if she was your wife? Imagine I snuck around with her behind your back—”
“Shut up!” I shoved him, all the pent up frustration, guilt and anger seeking an outlet before I could control the urge.
He fell backward, bouncing onto the bed. Anger twisted his face, but he didn’t try to fight me. Instead, he looked disgusted with me, which was worse.
“I get it,” I said, my voice rough. “I regret it. You have no idea how much I wish I’d never gone there. I’ll never disrespect someone’s relationship like that again.”
“Right.” Tony laughed bitterly. “So trying to steal Jaime’s girlfriend was your idea of respect?”
Shit, he was right. I knew Edie was dating Jaime. I’d known when I’d let Mama think she was my girlfriend, and I’d known when I kissed her and touched her and willed her to belong to me. I owed that kid a major apology, and not only for outing him.
“Fuck,” I said. “You’re right. I didn’t respect that relationship because I didn’t believe they had real feelings for one another.”
Tony lifted his gaze to mine, frowning.
“I kissed Edie before Jaime ever came along. If he hadn’t gotten in the way …”
Tony shook his head at me. “Dude, do you hear yourself? Edie’s not a toy you can call dibs on. She chose Jaime, and you didn’t like that, so you ignored the situation and went after her. Am I right?”
I slumped onto the edge of the bed and scrubbed a hand down my face.
“I never really thought about it like that.”
He smirked knowingly. There was still an undercurrent of anger to his smile, but the fury had dissipated.
I nudged his leg. “I thought I was supposed to be the older, wiser one.”
“Well, you got it half right. What are you, like 30 now?”
“Fuck off!”
He laughed at me, and I knew we’d be okay. Tony was pissed. He’d idolized Gabe before he died, and my betrayal cut deep. But we were brothers, and we’d get through it.
I had to give my little brother props. His threat to steal Edie brought home the gut-deep wrongness of what I’d done in a way my own lingering guilt hadn’t.
If Gabriel hadn’t died when he did, he probably would have beat the shit out of me. And that’s one beating I would have gladly taken.
“I want his car,” Tony blurted. “I want Gabe’s car. I’m the one who loves cars, and you don’t deserve it anyway.”
I loved that fucking car, but I also hated it. It was a constant reminder of how I came to be so close to Elana. If this would help Tony forgive me, giving up that particular token of my guilt could only be a good thing.
“Okay.”
“Okay?” he asked, shocked.
“Yeah. Let me shop around for another car. Once I have a replacement, you can have it. But if you total it, I’ll kill you.”
CHAPTER 16
Headline: Local businesses step up for local students
Byline: By Nick Espinoza
Lead: I’m happy to break the news in this column that a dozen local businesses, including The Ashe Sentinel, have pooled their resources to create a new scholarship that will benefit one local student each year. For the inaugural year, they’ve selected someone who’s become a good friend to me since writing her story: Edie Mason, the so-called “Lonely Graduate.”
EDIE
I let myself into Jaime’s place after a late shift at Wilde’s to see the whole family cuddled up on the sofa watching a movie. My heart ached at the happy family scene, and I missed my parents, faults and all.
Jaime’s family wasn’t perfect, I knew. He’d yet to come out to his mother. But even imperfection looked pretty comforting about now.
"Hey Edie, we're watching a movie," Jamie's younger sister, Crissy, said. "Wanna watch with us?"
Lily's house was still overflowing, so I'd ended up crashing with Jaime not long after I left Nick's apartment. I was still peeved with Lily over those outrageous credit card charges, so it was for the best.
I'd expected it to be awkward with Jaime after our break-up, but oddly it was t
he opposite. Without the relationship pressure, we'd relaxed and become best friends.
"I'm probably just going to go to bed," I said.
Jaime's mom gave me a sympathetic smile. "You do look tired. Have you even eaten tonight? You look too thin."
I thought back over the night. Wilde's had been crazy busy, and I'd ended up helping bus tables instead of taking my break. Then Logan got in a screaming match with Darla, a new waitress, and I’d had to play mediator.
"Maybe not ..."
She hopped up. "Let me get you a snack."
"Oh you don't have to—"
"Nonsense," she said, heading to the kitchen, and I trailed behind. "You need to take care of yourself. You do nothing but work and sleep."
I laughed helplessly. "Pretty much."
"Edie, you need to slow down. I don't know what's bothering you, but if it's about the break-up with Jaime—"
"Mom!"
Jaime spoke sharply from the doorway.
His mother didn't understand our break-up, and me staying here only confused her more. But Jaime wasn't ready to explain, and that put us in an awkward bob-and-weave situation when his mom got too curious.
"It's not Jaime," I said, before he started lecturing. I didn't want to be the cause of discord.
I'd spent the days since the lake party in what felt like a fugue state. I worked. I slept. I ate, when I remembered. Mostly, I made sure I was too tired to think because I was confused.
When I had time to think, I wondered if I made a mistake in pushing Nick out of my life. I missed him. But then I’d remember him outing Jaime and feel guilty for wanting to forgive.
For wanting to see him. Hug him. Kiss him.
Mrs. Harris places a ham and Swiss sandwich on a plate and handed it to me.
"Eat, at least," she said. "If you need to talk, I'm here."
"Thank you. Really."
She watched until I took a bite, and then left the kitchen. Jaime dropped into a seat on the other side of the table.
Earning Edie (Espinoza Boys #1) Page 22