by Sara Naveed
‘Oh, that’s . . . James,’ he said, trying to act as if everything were normal. ‘I almost forgot to tell you that both of us studied in the same college in Canada. We’re very good friends.’
I clenched my fists underneath the table as I mustered the courage to confront him.
‘James is your boyfriend, isn’t he?’ I asked him, my eyes not leaving his. Every nerve in my body shook with agony.
‘What?’ he asked, in a startled whisper, pretending that he couldn’t believe what I had just asked.
‘I asked a simple question, Aariz,’ I repeated, my heart thumping loudly. ‘Is James your boyfriend?’
‘What are you trying to say?’ he said, and shook his head. ‘Of course, he is my good friend. A good boy-friend.’ He shrugged, again trying to act cool. But he didn’t look convincing. He knew something was wrong. He knew that I had found out.
‘Stop lying, I know everything. I’ve found out about you.’ My voice broke. Suddenly, I realized that I had no energy to utter another word. My entire body throbbed with pain.
‘Found out what?’ he whispered, his expression guarded.
‘That you’re gay!’ I screamed at the top of my lungs, shoving away the laptop. The outburst surprised both Aariz and me.
‘Zynah . . .,’ he said and took a step towards me, his eyes filling with tears.
‘Go away, Aariz! You fucking ruined my life . . .’
Tears endlessly streamed down my cheeks as I shoved him away.
‘Listen to me, Zynah.’
He tried to embrace me.
‘Why should I listen to you? You kept a secret from me, from my family. You could have told me everything about yourself. I would have walked away. Why did you marry me, Aariz? Why did you ruin my life? Answer me!’
‘Zynah, please calm down.’
He held my arm but I shoved him away.
‘No! Leave me alone! I don’t want to be with you!’
Aariz continued to hold my shoulders in a firm grip.
‘Leave me, Aariz!’
I tried to struggle out of his grip but it was much stronger than I’d imagined.
‘Just listen to me, please! Once!’
Aariz engulfed me in his warm, soothing arms and I gave up the struggle. He stroked my hair gently with his fingers and kissed the top of my head. Shivers ran down my spine when he kissed me and I began to cry again. I brought my palms up and sobbed into my hands.
Aariz went down on his knees in front of me and took my hands in his. I shivered but he calmed me down by stroking my hand.
‘What you’ve found out about me is . . . true. It’s all true.’
He looked at me, the fear had left his eyes.
‘I’m a homosexual . . . have been a homosexual for as long as I can remember.’ His fingers softly interlaced with mine as he declared it.
I freed one of my hands from his grip and clamped it against my mouth to hold back the sobs.
‘When I was in Canada, living on my own, everything seemed perfect and normal. I have been in a steady relationship with James since my high school years.’
I cringed when he said that.
Aariz continued undeterred. ‘But things turned bad when I moved back to London to look after the family business. I had to leave James behind. We tried a long-distance relationship but when we realized we couldn’t work it, I asked him to relocate to the UK and he readily agreed. I offered him employment at our company so that he could be close to me.’
I wiped off the tears, trying hard to listen to him though I was shattered from the inside.
‘I managed to set up a smooth life for James and me but it didn’t last long. Soon, Mom started to ask if I had a girlfriend because she wanted me to get married. When I told her that I had no such person in my life, she demanded that I meet prospective fiancées. I would reject them, saying I did not like any of them. But then, you came into the picture.’
I held my breath as he looked back into my eyes.
‘Seeing your interest in me, Mom and Dad told me to get to know you better by spending more time with you. I couldn’t make any excuses this time. And I also couldn’t tell my parents about my real identity. However, one day, I did gather some courage to speak to Mom about it. When I told her I wasn’t interested in women, she thought I was joking. She said I’d start taking interest once I was married. Before I could explain myself to her, she walked away. Telling Dad that I was not interested in women but men would have left him baffled, hurt. He would have never accepted me or my partner. Dad belongs to an honourable family and has a solid reputation here. He’s known for running a leading design company in London. Had I admitted my sexuality to him, Dad would have been devastated. Both Mom and Dad. I could have lost them forever. Or quite possibly, they would have disowned me. So, for the sake of my parent’s reputation, to save myself from the taunts of relatives and friends, I married you, thinking I would get away from the societal pressure and lead a so-called normal life.’ He let out a small laugh.
I let out a gasp of distress, not knowing how long I had been holding my breath. Every word coming out of his mouth was like a sharp shard.
‘I knew from the beginning that it would be impossible to make you believe that I am straight, but I kept dragging the matter as long as I could. But . . . then something unexpected happened. I developed feelings for you. I felt attracted to you.’
I looked at his distraught face, my eyes softening.
‘It’s true that I have only loved James all my life . . . but since we got married and became close, I started feeling something for you.’
I furrowed my brows, trying to understand what he was saying.
‘What . . . do you mean?’ I mumbled.
‘I don’t know what it means but it’s true. I have feelings for you, Zynah. I don’t know what to make of them but they’re here,’ he said, pointing to his chest. ‘These feelings for you are true.’
I stared at him in sheer confusion. Taking advantage of my reaction, he pulled me closer and wrapped his arms around my neck.
‘Zynah, I love you. You’re the only woman I’ve ever loved. I did not know I could ever love a woman until I met you and married you. I do not even know what this means. I do not know if it makes me a bisexual, but the truth is I love you and I do not want you to leave me. Ever. Please.’ All of a sudden, he broke into tears, leaving me breathless. I felt empty inside.
‘Aariz . . .’ I whispered.
‘Zynah.’ He moved back, looking at my face. ‘Let’s give our relationship another chance.’ He cupped my face in his hands. ‘I don’t know if I will ever be able to change but I want to give it a try. I want to lead a happy married life with you. Just give me another chance. I can’t do this alone. I need you to help me fix everything. Say you will help me? Please, Zynah?’ More tears rushed out of his eyes as he held my hands in his.
I’d never seen him in this state. So weak. So vulnerable. This was not the Aariz I knew. He was charming, sophisticated, slightly snobbish, but never an emotional wreck.
‘Zynah, I know I’ve ruined your life by keeping you in the dark. I don’t have the right to ruin anybody’s life just to conceal my real identity from the world but trust me when I say this. With you I realized I could see myself as a different person, be a different person.’
Mustering the courage, I took his hands in mine and looked into his eyes.
‘Aariz, this is not you,’ I whispered. ‘Do not become someone you’re not. You cannot change yourself for me.’
‘But I can try, right?’ he smiled weakly. ‘Your love might change me.’
I looked away, contemplating what he had said. Would giving him another chance solve our problems? Would that make him love me? Would he be exclusively mine or remain divided between two individuals? But how would he suddenly become straight? Was that even possible? I did not understand what to make of all this. Everything seemed jumbled up. On the one hand, he had come out, but on the other, he wanted to stay with me. H
ow could he do that? Did he not have enough courage to talk to his parents about himself? Did he want me to help him out? The deafening sound of my heartbeat echoed in my ears as I looked at his face, filled with desolation and helplessness.
The next day, before leaving for work, Aariz came up to me and apologized again. Without giving him an answer, I turned my back on him. He patted me on my shoulder, heaved a sigh, and then walked away.
I couldn’t believe that Aunty Raima had been oblivious to Aariz’s sexuality all her life. She was his mother. Mothers know everything about their children. Nothing is hidden from them. During breakfast, I decided to ask her about Aariz.
‘Mom . . . I need to talk to you . . .’ I told her, my voice guarded.
‘Sure, honey. Go ahead.’
‘I wanted to talk about Aariz.’
Her soft expression suddenly turned grave. ‘What about him?’
‘Did you know that Aariz is . . . homosexual?’ I said.
‘What . . .?’ she frowned. ‘What are you saying? Have you gone . . .’
‘Mom . . . please,’ I interrupted her. ‘I confronted him and he accepted it.’
‘What?’ she whispered as she clamped a hand over her mouth, stunned.
‘Did you know about this?’ I asked her.
‘Honey . . . I . . . I don’t even know what that really means . . .’
‘Mom . . .’ I held her hand. ‘Please tell me.’
A tear escaped her eye as she said, ‘He once told me he wasn’t into women. He told me he wouldn’t marry you or any other girl, but I refused to listen to him. I did not let him explain. Even if he felt something for the same sex, I was sure it was only temporary. I wanted him to marry a woman so he could understand what a real relationship is. I told him his perspective would change once he married you.’
I looked away, listening to her.
‘And believe me, Zynah, I do believe he has changed. He loves you so much.’
I sniffed, a tear escaping my eye.
‘I know he loves you as much as you love him. That’s why you guys got married, right? Zynah, my child,’ Aunty Raima said, as she held my chin, ‘Do not think otherwise. I suggest you start a family with him. Have a child. That is the only way to keep him under your control.’
Her advice startled me.
‘But, Mom . . . I . . .’
‘Think about it, Zynah.’
I looked at her, considering what she’d said.
Would a child really change Aariz? Would having a family make him completely mine? I did not want to doubt Aariz’s feelings for me. If he said he loved me, then maybe he did. He confided in me and told me everything irrespective of the fact that I could tell his family and mine. Wasn’t that enough to prove his love for me? And being his wife, shouldn’t I help him out? What could go wrong if I helped him? I should do everything to save my marriage. Nobody could stop me now.
PART FOUR
Rehaan
Present Day
London, UK
‘I will stop you,’ I declared, after hearing her heart-wrenching tale.
Leaning over the deck of the Tower Bridge, she shot me a sceptical look. ‘What do you mean?’ she asked, baffled.
‘What do you think you’re doing, Zynah? Do you think that you are doing yourself or him a favour by continuing this charade? Do you think you can be happy with him? Maybe you’ve no idea, but you’re walking down a path to self-destruction.’
She looked away, shrugging dismissively.
‘Believing that your gay husband would somehow magically turn into a straight, loving husband is downright stupid.’
She sighed, closing her eyes.
‘I know a lot of gay men. They never become straight. They stay the way they are. All their lives. Your so-called mother-in-law is just fooling you. She doesn’t want you to leave her son.’
She opened her eyes and looked at me.
‘You know you’re walking down the wrong path. You know you’re chasing an impossible dream. Why not just leave him for his own good? For your own good?’ I asked.
‘He says he loves me and wants to be with me,’ she said, trying to convince herself.
‘That’s utter bullshit!’ I said, my face expressionless. ‘He doesn’t love you, Zynah. He only loves himself. He’s manipulating you so that you don’t leave him. And not because he loves you. He is doing this because he wants to keep up this pretence for the sake of his family, the society. He married you to conform to social norms. He’s a coward who does not have the courage to face his own reality! Can’t you see that?’
‘That’s not the point.’
‘Then what’s the damn point?’ I asked, irritated at her idiocy.
‘The point is . . .’ She turned her face towards me. ‘I love him. Despite the fact that he doesn’t love me, or he is gay, I love him. And you don’t leave the people you love. You stay with them. Do you get it now? I can’t leave him. I just can’t.’ She shook her head lightly.
‘You only think that you love him. The truth is you stopped loving him the day you found out he was gay.’
‘That’s not true!’ she shot back. ‘My love is not bound to his sexuality. Never was. I love him for the person he is.’
‘Zynah, you can fool me but you can’t fool yourself. At least be true to your own damn self.’
‘Go away, Rehaan! I was wrong to assume that you had changed. You’re as stubborn as ever! I made a mistake coming down here with you!’ she screamed, pushing me away.
‘I am stubborn? It’s you who’s stubborn! I don’t understand how you continue being so stubborn, so blind, so brainless! He’s gay, Zynah. He won’t love you the way you want him to! Dammit, he would never even make love to you!’
‘Shut up! You have no right to comment on my personal life!’ She glowered at me, blinking rapidly. I couldn’t ignore the tears in her eyes.
‘Why not? Tell me, did he have sex with you?’ I asked bluntly.
‘That’s none of your business!’
‘Oh yes, it is very much my business. So, tell me. Did he have sex with you? How are you going to bear his child if he doesn’t even touch you?’
‘Fuck off, Rehaan!’ she yelled, walking away. But I didn’t let her. I grabbed her by her waist and made her face me.
‘I know you’re lying, Zynah,’ I whispered. ‘Stop defending him.’
For a moment, we locked eyes with each other. I could see the pain in them. She wasn’t happy in this relationship. I could clearly see she was lying, trying to protect her failing marriage. Before I could wrap her in my arms and comfort her, she squirmed in an attempt to get out of my grip.
‘I’ve had sex with him, and it was very satisfying,’ she said, enunciating every word so I could hear it clearly.
Damn it! Another lie.
‘You know what?’ I whispered back, ‘you’ve lost it, Zynah. Completely lost it . . .’
Before I could utter another word, she raised her hand as if to slap me but didn’t. I straightened my shirt and looked up but she had already turned to leave. I didn’t try to stop her. Without another word, she walked away, leaving me behind with my misery.
Zynah
When I told Soniya everything about Aariz the next day and asked her for her advice, she laughed and called me foolish. She wanted me to immediately get a divorce and start over. But she didn’t try to understand my situation, my feelings. It was easier to say such things. Until now, I was dealing with only her accusations, but now Rehaan had also jumped on the bandwagon. But his argument was different from Soniya’s. He saw this as an opportunity to whisk me away. He was in love with me and instead of understanding my feelings for Aariz, he wanted to poison my mind against him, so that I would choose him over my husband. After our recent meeting, I realized I had made a mistake by telling him everything. This had only made my life more complicated.
I tried to change the subject and told Soniya what had happened with Rehaan the previous day.
‘What are yo
u saying? You’ve told him everything?’ Soniya asked.
‘I thought he’d be mature about it and offer some solid advice but I was wrong. He’s still the same . . .’ I said, looking away.
‘Zynah, what else did you expect from him? Any sane person would give you the same advice. I am quite sure your support group members also tell you the same thing.’
I didn’t try to defend my situation because I knew she was right. In the sessions too, I had been advised to call it quits and move out.
‘Whatever. I have already made a fool of myself. I’m never seeing him again.’
‘Aariz?’ Soniya raised her brows.
‘No!’ I glowered. ‘I’m talking about Rehaan!’
‘Yeah, right,’ she mumbled.
‘I guess you shouldn’t have tried to slap him, Zynah,’ she said after a minute of silence. ‘The poor guy deserves better.’
In the next instant, my phone rang. I looked at it and was surprised to see Rehaan’s picture flashing on it. It was a Facebook Messenger call. I had no idea that you could call someone even if you were not friends with them on the social media website.
‘Hello?’ I said, my voice low, indifferent.
‘Hi Zynah, it’s me Rehaan.’
‘I know it’s you, Rehaan,’ I said, looking at Soniya.
‘Listen, I called to apologize. I, uh . . . I shouldn’t have said all that. My behaviour was out of line . . . I was being mean and judgmental. I’m really sorry for everything.’
I did not realize that I had held my breath throughout his monologue.
‘And, by everything, I mean everything, Zynah. I am sorry for hurting you. Back then . . . and even now.’
Soniya shot me a confused look when I didn’t respond.
‘Zynah, are you there?’ Rehaan asked.
‘Yes, I’m here,’ I replied, my throat constricting.
‘So, have you . . . forgiven me?’
‘It’s okay, Rehaan. Maybe it’s not entirely your fault. I shouldn’t have tried to slap you. I’m sorry,’ I said. Soniya passed me a reassuring look.