by M. Piper
What the hell?
Shaking off the phone call, I make sure my phone’s on loud when we go into the restaurant just in case Gabby calls me back. Luckily, I have a very open and willing child that loves to try new foods, so taking her here isn’t going to be too big of a pain. She’s pretty chill, unlike some of my friends that I’ve made that have boys her age. I thank God every day she’s so relaxed. I’m not sure what I’d do if I had a crazy child… there’s enough crazy in my life without any of that nonsense.
By the time we’re seated, I’m starving and I can tell Hannah is too. After ordering right away and grabbing her some crackers to munch on, I feel like I can finally relax until our food comes.
“So Benton, tell me,” my mom starts in on me, sipping her tea. “Any girls you’ve been seeing lately?”
She’s smiling sweetly, but I know the meaning behind the question. I know she wants a mother for Hannah. I know she thinks that Hannah needs more female interaction, but that’s not what I think is most important right now. I think she needs to be healthy, happy, and diverse. She needs to be comfortable with anyone, in any situation. I can’t stand the kids that scream every time their parent walks out of the room. My job means I’ll be gone quite a lot, so she’s going to have different babysitters. I don’t want them stressing over her fits every time I walk out the door.
I’m not on the hunt right now for a ‘mom’ for her. I’m on the hunt to start a life with her, with my daughter, with or without a female companion. If it works out that that companion is Gabby, then I’d be over the moon excited, but I’m not holding my breath. I can’t take more heartbreak, even as much as I think I’m starting to love her.
“No, mom,” I lie. “No one since Carly,” I mutter her name like saying it is going to bring back her ghost or something. She’s long gone, and I’ve finally accepted that it’s okay for me to love again. Sure, she was my first love, but she wouldn’t want to see me like I was when it first happened. She would want me happy, not ruined.
Hell, I still remember the first time I ever met Gabby. I’m surprised she even talked to me after what she saw.
***
Knocking on the door, I watch impatiently as the handle doesn’t move. What the fuck, where is she? Maybe this is the wrong address. I scoured for this, bringing in help to find her because, once she moved from the apartment her and Annaliese shared, it was crazy hard to get the new address. This has to be it!
Taking a breath, I turn to leave and hear the handle open and the door squeak. Jackpot. Turning around, my eyes focus in on the most beautiful sight I’ve seen in a very long time. The light pouring in from the bay window behind her, her softly darkened skin glowing and the dark curls falling down her shoulders make her look like an exotic goddess.
“Gabby?” I mutter, flushed from the instant attraction to this woman. She’s eyeballing me like she should be afraid. I don’t blame her. Hell, I bet I look like shit, but I don’t care enough to fix it. The drinking binge I went on last weekend did wonders for me in the looks department, and, now that I’ve not had a drop since, my body hates me even more.
“Who’s asking?” She narrows her eyes at me. Who is this chick, and why does something seem off about her?
“Benton. Benton James,” I stammer when it looks like she’s about to slam the door in my face. She can’t do that, though. I need her if we’re going to get Adam and Annaliese back together. I need her help. When recognition crosses her face, her features relax and she grins.
“Ah yes… Benton James. The fighter.”
“Oh, uh,” I mutter, not expecting that one. How do I tell her my wife died, and I have a kid now, so I had to stop fighting? That’s not exactly a first meet conversation, but this woman is so damn sexy I’m suddenly wishing I can see her again… and there’s that feeling of guilt that I’d be doing wrong to Carly.
She’s dead, Benton. Dead. She’s not coming back.
“I used to be,” I manage through the rage that’s started building inside of me. Rage because I want something, but I’m not letting myself have it because of guilt.
It’s always guilt.
“Well, then, ex fighter Benton James,” she says, resting her hand on her beautiful curve of a hip. “What can I do for you?” She shifts her weight and cocks her eyebrow at me, a silent invitation to come inside.
Maybe another time. Today, I’m on a mission to make my best friend happy again, because both of us can’t be miserable.
“I need your help,” I whisper, locking eye contact with those beautiful brown eyes for the first time.
***
By the time I make it home from dinner with my parents, it’s well past Hannah’s bedtime. She’s so comfortable sleeping on my shoulder that I almost lay on the couch with her and let her snuggle on me all night. I’m not dumb. I know eventually she’s going to not want anything to do with her big old dad. I know she’s going to start asking questions in a few years about her mom, and why she doesn’t have one. Just the thought of those questions breaks my heart, but it’s a conversation that’s going to have to happen in order for her to truly understand how much I love her. Sure, I work a lot, and I’m always busy, but I do it all for her. I wanted her so badly, and I got her. At one point I was close to losing her, and I can’t have that again. I won’t have that again.
Deciding to let her sleep in her own bed so I can get some work done, I kiss her forehead gently and lay her down, turning on the music and night light for her that she sleeps with. Clicking the door closed as gently as possibly as to not wake her, I walk down the hallway and into my small office, then absentmindedly head to the computer and start scrolling through images on the laptop. Images from a few years back, when we thought we had everything.
Mam how things can change.
When my phone buzzes, I smile from a text from Gabby.
Gabby: Busy tonight?
Me: Swamped. Tired. Wore out. Tomorrow? We can take Hannah to the park.
I hit send before I really think about what I just asked her. She hasn’t met Hannah yet, and she’s never shown interest in her. Shit, what if she doesn’t want anything to do with her? Suddenly starting to panic that I just ruined things for us, I call her to hear her voice. To make sure things are still okay.
“Was I not texting fast enough?” she asks, and I can hear the smile in her voice.
“I mean… sorry. I just needed to hear your voice.” The lie runs off my tongue and I’m happy with it. I’d rather not let her know that I just freaked myself out for nothing.
“Well, hey there, then.” She giggles and I can just picture her curled up on the couch under a huge blanket.
“Hey,” I chuckle. “So, park tomorrow. I uh-”
“I’d love to, Benton. I think it’s about time, don’t you?”
I release a breath I didn’t know I was holding and smile.
“Absolutely.”
The Look
Gabby
I can do this. I want to do this.
So, why am I starting to freak out?
I need to do this. I need to show him that I’m okay being around his little girl. I need to show him that I can be normal, or he’ll leave me. If he leaves me, I’ll be alone. If I’m alone, I won’t make it. I won’t be able to function if he leaves me, especially if he leaves me because he finds out I’m crazy.
Deep breaths, Gabby. I can do this.
I took an extra pill this morning, something to help calm my nerves, as well as some Benadryl just in case. Any normal person would practically be in a coma because of the overload of meds this morning that are flowing through my system, but I’m so used to all of it that it just slightly numbed my heightened senses.
The park we’re meeting at is just a few blocks from my apartment, which also happens to the half way between Benton’s place and mine. Chicago is great for this, with parks on practically every block and tons of lunch and picnic options along the way. I have about four hours until we’re supposed to meet, and
if I sit around doing nothing my head is going to insane again by worrying about everything that could go wrong. I can’t do that. I have to be able to focus today, and an attack isn’t in the cards. To take my mind off everything else happening, I do the one thing I know will be able help me focus, short of going out and finding another sex partner.
I clean.
I clean so hard that an hour in I’m dripping with sweat and disgusting. I clean with the music so loud, that I don’t hear Annaliese until she taps me on the shoulder and screams.
“WHAT THE HELL?!” I scream, flipping around to find my best friend grinning at me. “Shit, woman. Don’t you warn someone before you make them shit themselves?!”
I fucking hate people scaring me, and she knows it!
“I called. Then I knocked. Then I got worried you were dead, so I used my key you gave me. Glad you’re not dead.” Her smiling gives me a calmness that I need right now.
“Thanks, bitch. I almost pissed myself from that. You know I hate being scared,” I huff, tossing the dust rag I was using on the fan in the living room on the table, then grab a bottle of water and chug it down.
“Welcome. What’s going on today? You wanna go shopping?”
“Oh uh… I’ve got plans…” I trail off, wondering if I should tell her about Benton or not. I guess I could, since it’s officially official that we’re together, but I haven’t ran it by him yet so I don’t know if he wants to tell Adam first, or if we should tell them together… see this, again, is why I don’t do this! This is why I stay out of relationships. Because things get messy and confusing, and commitment only means heartbreak for me.
But I did it anyway. I went in and dove into a relationship with a man that I could see myself living happily ever after with.
If only I did that stuff. If only I deserves that stuff. I hate that I’m not going to make it out of this in one piece, but I can’t stay away from him. He’s like a drug. The best drug I’ve ever been prescribed.
“Hello, earth to Gabby?” Annaliese waves her hand in front of me, and I realized I’ve spaced out again.
“Sorry,” I mumble, washing my hands and wiping a cool rag over my face.
“So, you gonna answer me? Plans?” she asks, hands on her hips. “What plans? I’m your best friend. I feel the need to know what put you in such a trance right now. Is it a special someone?” Her grin makes me laugh. She wants so badly for me to have a normal life. To find a happily ever after, like she did with Adam. I love her, but I just don’t see that happening.
I don’t deserve that, Annaliese.
Instead of ruining her day, though, with the news that I took a few lives and ruined tons others, I take the high road and smile and shrug, not giving way to the real reason of what I’m doing today. Not until I talk to Benton about it.
“So you do, then? Are you gonna tell me about him… or her?” Grinning again like she thinks she’s in on a secret, I laugh it off and cock my head at her.
“Don’t you have wedding planning shit to do? It’s just a few weeks away now. Shouldn’t you be too busy to function at this point?”
She sighs and shakes her head.
“No. Adam hired a wedding planner to take over things now that it’s getting so close to the event. He doesn’t want word getting out to the paparazzi or anything.” She shrugs and picks at her nail polish. I have to remind myself that she chose this life. She chose to be married to Mr. Chicago, so she knew all of it would come with a price. That price right now happens to be not being able to plan her own wedding. Something I know she’s wanted to do since the minute they got engaged.
“Listen, Ann. I know you’re bummed about it, but it’s for the best. You don’t need those hogs ruining your wedding day.” She scoffs at my comment and smiles.
“I know; it’s all just so different than I thought.”
“I hear ya, bitch,” I say. “Life doesn’t ever turn out like we thought it would.”
She eyes me like she’s on to me, but I smile and shrug it off before she notices the change in my demeanor. In the time since the accident, I’ve grown to be able to put off a happy vibe even if I don’t feel it. I don’t ever want anyone feeling the hurt that I feel, so I try my hardest to show others the love and kindness that wasn’t ever shown to me, before, or after, the event that changed my world. The only physical appearance leftover from the accident is my eyes. With the impact and the infection from the accident, I’ve been slowly losing sight in my right eye. I’ll never get it back once it’s fully gone, but I’ve grown to accept it. I deserve it, at the very least.
“So listen… I’ve gotta get ready…” I trail off and make a face at her. “Not to kick you out or anything… buuuut...”
“I get it, I get it. You better tell me who this hot date is with.” She throws her purse on her shoulder and walks towards the door. Before I can protest her assumption, she turns and points at me. “Don’t you dare tell me it’s not a date, either, woman. There’s something… different… about you lately, and I can’t pin it, but I think it has something to do with a little relationship bloom. One day, you’ll tell me,” she smiles. “One day. Or I’ll throat punch you.”
I laugh at her insane threat.
“You’ve been practicing your threats I see.”
“I have to, with all the crazy bitches after my fiancé.” She shrugs. “I learned from the best, you know.” She wiggles her eyebrows and I roll my eyes.
“Bye, bitch,” I say, opening the door for her.
“Later, whore,” she says, slapping my ass on her way out.
Glancing at the clock by the door, I have a little over an hour before I meet Benton and Hannah. I have a little over an hour to try not to freak out that he’ll know something’s wrong with me and drop me like a bad habit. I have all this time to get ready and leave… and pray to God… a God I’m not sure likes me… that I don’t fuck things up today.
After showering, shaving, primping and then trying to make it look like I didn’t primp too much for a park playdate, I head outside to make the short walk to the park. It’s the perfect day in the city for this. Sunny, breezy, and cool. Fall in Chicago is beautiful, but winter can be horrible. The walk isn’t too bad, as it’s not too crowded. Making it there about half hour before Benton and Hannah, I sit on the bench and wait.
Waiting has never been something I’m good at. My mind starts to wander, back to that night so many years ago… the night that changed my entire fucking life.
***
“Jesus fucking Christ, Gabby! Slow the fuck down! You’re going to kill us all!” Jordan yells from the back seat. “Mother fucking cunt, and this stupid goddamned child won’t shut up!” I realize the baby won’t stop screaming, and he’s doing nothing to make it better. If anything, yelling like that at me, and cursing at me, is only making it worse.
“Babe, can you please give him his binky back?” I ask, as calmly as I can without flipping out on his ass. I’m fairly certain he’s high, so fighting with him is pointless right now. I’m pissed that he got in the car with me, I’m pissed I can’t get away from him, and I’m pissed that I have to deal with this the rest of my life.
“Fuck that, this kid needs to learn how to cope,” he growls, pissing me off even more. He’s a two-month-old baby, not a ten year old!
“Jordan, please,” I sigh, holding a binky out to the back seat for him.
“Fuck, no! Turn this mother fucking car around and go home, Gabby!” He’s screaming, the baby is still screaming, and, when Jordan hits the binky out of my hand, I lose it.
“Fuck you, Jordan!” I swerve the car to the side of the road to kick him out.
Then, everything goes black.
***
“Gabby!” Benton’s voice comes from behind me, and I take a few calming breaths. Typically, a flashback to that night would set off a reaction of attacks and more flashbacks, but with everything rolling through my system today, I’m so relaxed it’s almost scary. Standing to greet him, I smile my
perfected smile and walk towards him.
“Hey,” he kisses me gently, then backs away, and looks down at his little girl in the stroller.
“Gabby, this-” He motions. “Is Hannah.” Smiling, he watches me as I interact with his baby for the first time.
Don’t fuck this up, Gabby.
“Hey, Hannah,” I say, smiling. “You wanna swing?”
Her face lights up at the mention of a swing, and she starts trying to get out of her stroller straps, getting madder and madder by the minute. Benton chuckles and comes behind me, gently unsnapping her and lifting her up. He goes to hand her to me, since she still doesn’t walk, but I guess the scared look on my face has him second guessing.
“Okay,” he laughs. “One step at a time, right?”
I laugh nervously, pissed that I let my fear shine through. I need to seem comfortable with her. I need to not let the fear of hurting her come out. I’ll be okay. We can do this for a few hours then I’ll be able to go home, to the safety of my apartment, where I can’t hurt anyone but myself.
While in the swing, Hannah laughs and giggles, happy to be out of the stroller. We take time and walk around with her, Benton holding her to steady her uneasy feet. It’s adorable, really, watching how he’s bonded with her over the last year. The man that showed up on my doorstep last year wasn’t ready to be a father, but this man… this man is the sexiest, most caring and attentive father I’ve ever seen.
Let’s just amp that sexy up a few more notches, why don’t we?
After two hours of sliding, swinging, laughing and playing, Hannah is ready for a nap and my nerves are ready for a break. After everything I’ve been through, I still can’t get the anxiety-ridden feelings to lie low when in public. Any big crowd does it to me… makes me unable to think straight, see straight, and sometimes walk at all. After Noah was born, I had an episode at Target where I had to call Jordan to come pick me up because I couldn’t move. I literally was so afraid someone was going steal Noah right out of the cart that I froze. It was humiliating. That was the very last time I went out in public with my child.