by M. Piper
By the time we pull in front of my building, I’ve already paid and am out of the cab and inside the building in no time. Waiting for the elevator, I check my messages and notice nothing new has come through since the heart from Gabby. Christ, I hope everything is okay.
When the doors open, my heart sinks even more when I notice the couple walking out of the elevator.
“Adam?” I blurt.
When Annaliese’s eyes hit mine, I know something’s not right.
“What’s wrong?”
Fade to Black
Gabby
Walking to the park alone on crowded streets is hard enough for me to do without having an attack. I don’t do crowds well. Walking an unfamiliar route to someone else’s house with their child in tow is a whole new level of anxiety. My hands grip the stroller tight, leaving indents on my fingers, but I’m not letting go for anything. The thought that someone could rip her away from me, and I’d be the cause of ruining Benton’s life, runs through my head the entire time I speed walk back to his place. By the time we make it up the elevator and inside, locking the door behind us, I’m out of breath and on the edge of a breakdown already. Hannah is starving and keeps yelling at me to eat, even signing ‘eat’ by putting her fingertips to her lips. I only know this because I, at one point, thought I’d be teaching my child the same thing.
The maternal feeling and instincts are all still there, hiding in the darkness, but, with Hannah, it all feels natural. She’s low key, and eats what I put in front of her. The fussing stops after she has food in her belly and, shortly after snack time, she’s passed out on my shoulder in the rocking chair. I could lay her down. I should lay her down. But I don’t. I don’t because SIDS is a real thing, and I can’t be the one here if that were to happen. So, instead, I stay curled up on the rocker-recliner with her, scrolling through my phone. I’ve texted Benton a few times, but there’s been no response. If I know hospitals the way I used to, he probably doesn’t have good service in there, but I keep texting. Sending him winks, pictures… anything to help his day go smoother. I’m unsure what’s going on, but it’s already been a few hours with no word.
By the time Hannah wakes up, it’s close to dinnertime. We play for a while, stacking blocks… knocking them down… stacking them again. This goes on for about three minutes, until she’s bored of that game and on to another one. She’s busy, and wants to be independent, but she’s not quite there yet. Cruising along the sofa, she makes her way to the remote and starts chewing on it.
“Gross, Hannah,” I scoff, taking it from her just to hear her start to wail. “Okay, okay… uh… here,” I say, turning it on and finding some sort of happy colored kids show. She stops crying immediately, and is glued to the TV.
Fine with me. I need to make dinner.
After putting Hannah in the waiting Pack-N Play, I head to the kitchen to see what type of dinner I can make us. I should know him better than I do. I should have known someone with a body like his, with abs like his, would be a health freak when it came to eating. It takes me digging to the back of the pantry, but I find a box of spaghetti and a can of sauce that still are good, so I opt for an easy dinner and get to work. Kids love spaghetti, right?
So right.
Hannah squeals when she realizes that she’s going to get to eat soon, and, as soon as she sees the spaghetti, it’s everything I can do to keep her out of her high chair before it’s dinnertime. I never got to this part of motherhood. I was never allowed to get stressed over screaming kids at dinnertime.
And, unfortunately, the alarm going off on my phone right now is reminding me why.
Fuck.
“Shit, shit, shit,” I mutter, racing to turn it off. A few hours ago, the noise level in this apartment was bearable, with the soft snores of Hannah sleeping. Add in a hyper girl, cartoons, an oven beeping with garlic bread that’s burning, a phone alarm screaming, and we’ve just probably broken noise records. I can already tell the meds from earlier are starting to wear off, so I’m happy to be getting my evening dose.
Turning the alarm off and grabbing my purse for my backup pills, it’s not until I empty my entire bag out that I realize they aren’t there. The bottle is completely empty. Holy shit, how can that be? Has it been that bad lately that even my back up bottle is empty? When did that even happen?
Oh, God. I can’t be here right now. I took so many meds this morning that, pretty soon, they are all going to crash through my system and I’m not sure what I’ll be like when that happens. Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!
“Hannah, it’s coming,” I say in a soothing voice to try and calm the screaming kid. I can’t stop now. She’s hungry, I’m hungry, and we both need to eat. I’ll feed her, then figure out what to do about my pills. I’ve never missed a dose, so I can’t miss this one. I’m not stable enough on a consistent regimen; I’d hate to know what I look like when I miss a dose.
Benton texts in the middle of dinner, so I snap a picture of his girl full of spaghetti, messy as can be, and giggle looking at her. She’s going to need a bath tonight. That’ll be good. Clean her up, spend the night snuggling, and take my mind off the fact that I have no pills. Hopefully, he’ll be home soon enough and I’ll be able to get back to my place and get my dose.
When he texts me back, I can feel the stress through the words in his text. I don’t know what he’s going through, I don’t know what happened, but I have to come across as the strong one here. I have to be strong for him and Hannah. He can’t know I’m silently freaking out that I’ll hurt his daughter, or myself, if tonight ends up not going well. I text him back a heart, because something like today can’t even begin to be processed into text messages, then go on my way finishing up dinner and start to get Hannah cleaned.
Bath time with an almost one year old is insane. Water everywhere, toys everywhere, and the screaming when I have to wash her hair is insane. Enough to get my heart racing again for the tenth time this evening. I can tell I’m starting to crash from the overload on meds this morning, and I now feel like maybe that was a bad idea, but I never would have thought I’d end up alone with a one year old for all these hours. I still haven’t heard from Benton about his mom, and I’m starting to worry that something is seriously wrong.
By the time Hannah is finished in the bathtub, she’s a hot wrinkly mess of over-tired and cranky baby. I try everything I can think of to calm her, but the more she screams, the more my heart races. I just want to walk away from her, but I can’t walk away from a crying baby. I just want to let her cry, but I feel like I can’t do that. Each piercing scream that comes out of her little throat starts to sound more and more like his screams the night of the accident. Every blink of my eyes, I see the wreckage, the fire. I see it all, and it’s not long before I can’t take it anymore.
Setting Hannah in her crib, I frantically pace the apartment to try to calm myself. A cool rag to the face, cold water over my arms, deep breaths. Nothing works. She’s still screaming, and I can tell my vision is starting to blur, the panic welling inside of me more and more, setting my entire body off.
This can’t be happening.
Moving for my phone, I call Benton only to get put straight through to voicemail. Trying again with trembling hands, three more times I’m sent to voicemail. He has no reception. I can’t be here alone with her right now. I can’t do this.
“Shit,” I mumble, fumbling with my phone. My hands are shaking more and more, and I’m afraid I’m going to pass out if I can’t get this under control.
So I call the only other person I trust to help me and not judge. Annaliese.
“Gabby?” There’s a ton of noise in the background, and I suddenly feel terrible for bothering them when they are obviously busy. I need her though. This is so scary, and I’m about to completely black out if I don’t calm myself.
“I need you, Ann,” I start to say, then the tears start. I hate admitting I need help. I hate admitting there’s something wrong with me, and that’s why I haven’t. Ever. To a
nyone. Annaliese doesn’t even know a third of the things I’ve gone through. Shit, why won’t Hannah stop crying?!
“Gabby, what’s wrong?” she says, beginning to sound frantic.
“I can’t… I need…” I start gasping for air, and I know it’s only a matter of time. FUCK! “Annie, I need you,” I whimper, squeezing my eyes shut as the room starts to spin.
“Where are you?” she demands. I hear voices in the background, and vaguely remember hearing a loud noise before finally answering.
“Benton’s,” is all I can get out, then everything goes black.
***
“You know what you’re worth,” my mother growls, hovering over me. “Nothing. You’re a piece of shit nothing that can’t ever keep anything good. That boy was all you had, and you made him go away. Now, you’re fucking stuck in here with me. This motherfucking apartment isn’t even big enough for the two of us,” she growls, kicking me while I’m down.
I never knew she felt that strongly about him. I know she hates me, but I always thought she hated everything about me, but apparently she loves my boyfriend. Mothers are supposed to be kind and gentle and caring. Mine is anything but.
Limping to my room, I lock the door and curl into the bed, rubbing my protruding stomach where she kicked me.
“One of these days we’ll be out of here, buddy,” I whisper, willing myself to sleep.
***
“Gabby!” I hear her voice through the darkness, but I can’t find her. “Gabby, wake up.” Frantic hands find my arms and I moan, cursing the pain radiating through my body. “Jesus Christ, Gabby wake UP!”
“I’m going in to check on Hannah,” a male voice says.
Not my Benton. He’s not here for me.
“Gabby,” Annaliese whispers, pulling my body into her arms, as I start to weep. I can’t open my eyes to see the look on her face. I can’t look around to see what happened while I was out. I don’t want to know what time it is because I don’t want to know how long I was out. I can’t do this. This is so fucking embarrassing. “Please talk to me, Gab,” Annaliese whispers as my tears slow to a halt.
“I can’t,” I mumble, trying to pick myself up from the floor only to fail miserably. Huffing, I curse and sit up straight, at least. She doesn’t need to support all of my crazy.
“What the hell, Gabby? You had me worried sick,” she says, her hands fidgeting in front of her. I feel so fucking bad that I made them come save my crazy ass. I feel so fucking bad I passed out while watching Benton’s baby girl.
“Oh, god! Hannah!” Getting up from the floor in record time, I sprint into the bedroom where Adam’s rocking her. “Oh shit,” I whisper, him glaring at me.
“She’s fine. She woke up when I came in the room,” he whispers.
“She was asleep?” I ask nervously.
“Yes,” he snips, the glare on his face not relaxing. I take that as I’m not welcome in the room, so I walk back out slowly to Annaliese who has gotten a glass of water and is waiting on the couch for me.
“You wanna tell me what’s going on, Gab?” She offers me the water, and watches me gulp it down. Shit, I need to get home to take my pills, but I can’t ask them to stay with Hannah, and, last I checked, I couldn’t get a hold of Benton. What the hell happened to him? I hope everything’s okay.
“I’d rather not,” I say honestly, watching her reaction go from sad to hurt instantly. Shit. “Look, Ann… It’s such a long story…” I sigh and curse, wrapping my arms around my knees. Everything in my body aches right now, but that’s nothing compared to the pain I’m going to feel when Benton finds out about this. He’s going to leave me for good. I just know it.
“I’m here, Gabby. I’m not going anywhere until you talk to me. You’re my best friend; I need you to talk. Please,” she whispers. I see the hurt on her face, and notice the glare in her eyes. Sighing, I close my eyes, and remember the first attack I had in front of her.
I told her it was just panic because of school. I told her I’d be okay, and not to worry. She believed me at the time. This time, I don’t think I’m going to get away with that simple of an answer.
“Annaliese, you don’t want to hear it all.” I sigh, watching her scoot closer to me.
“I do, though. I’m hurt that you’ve been keeping things from me, Gab. I thought we could tell each other anything.”
“I know… and we are….” I stop, watching her hands come around mine to stop them from fidgeting.
“Gabby, you need an outlet. Something, someone to talk to. Please,” she pleads.
Annaliese is the closest thing to a sister I’ll ever have. If I can’t tell her, I’ll never be able to tell anyone.
“It all started twelve years ago, Ann,” I huff. “That’s a hell of a lot of storytelling to do,” I warn.
“I’m here, bitch. Let Adam get his uncle snuggle time in. We’re not going anywhere anytime soon.”
She gives me the eye that she gives me when her determination is set. I’m not getting around this tonight.
So, I tell her.
“I was young,” I say. “I had a very rough childhood. My mom was abusive, and my dad was a drunk. Ann, I never planned for anything past high school because I didn’t think I’d be alive to see past the age of 18. When it happened… when I got pregnant… that was the best thing that ever happened to me. I actually had something, for the first time in my life, to look forward to.” I stop, taking a breath, knowing there’s no more easy part of the story to tell. Then, I go on. I tell her everything. About Jordan and how he was abusive, how I tried to break it off. I tell her that living now without a child is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I leave out the gory details of that night. I tell her about Benton and our relationship, and, when I finally stop talking, the tears streaming down her face hurt more than anything.
“I don’t want pity,” I whisper. “I don’t want things to change now.”
“Oh, Gabby… I don’t pity you. I love you, Gab. You’re like a sister to me.” She takes a breath and tries to collect herself. “I… I’m so sorry I never asked.”
“Ann, you had no reason to. I hide it from everyone. You’re the first person I’ve ever opened up to since it happened.”
“So, what are you going to do now?”
“Go on like normal,” I say, shrugging.
“But Ben-”
“Stop. No… there’s no way I’m telling him and, if you blab to anyone, I’ll cut you,” I growl. She laughs and shakes her head at me, smiling.
“I love you, bitch.”
“Yeah, yeah, stop getting mushy. Take your man home. I think he wants to murder me after tonight. The death rays he was sending me were enough to kill earlier.”
“He’s a very loyal person, Gab. He loves and protects hard. He’s just worried about all of you.”
She has a point. He’s never shown me anything but kindness and he loves Hannah. I smile and nod, accepting her words as true, if anything just to calm her and make her leave.
I want her out so I can refocus my energy to get off the couch. I’d never tell her, but I don’t think I can move right now. I need rest. I need aspirin. I need my meds. Most of all, though… I need Benton.
Numb
Benton
If I thought I was numb the entire cab ride back, I was wrong. Now that I’m in an elevator that is taking its sweet old fucking time to get me upstairs, I’m shaking from nerves that something happened. My gut told me the entire ride home that something was wrong, but I ignored it. I thought that it was just the nerves and emotions rolling through my body that made me feel like something bad happened. Seeing Adam and Annaliese in my building, though, proved me wrong.
Something did happen. They just wouldn’t tell me what. The only words Adam told me were, “Everything is fine. I’ll see you at work.” He didn’t ask where I was, I didn’t tell him about my mom, I didn’t ask about Gabby. No small talk. He looked pissed, and Annaliese looked sad, and now this elevator is going to look
busted if it doesn’t speed up. How long does it take to travel 8 floors, anyway?!
When I finally make it to my floor, I rush to my door and take a few deep breaths before opening it. Adam wouldn’t have left my baby alone up here… Gabby is still here… Everything is fine. Those words keep rolling through my head, easier words to have on repeat than ‘your mother’s gone’. Sneaking inside the condo, the lights are all off, save for one lamp on the side of the couch. It’s silent and clean. Nothing looks touched. Did she clean up everything they did tonight? Shit, she’s good. Heading first to Hannah’s room, I crack open the door to see her sleeping soundly in her crib. A part of my heart calms down and warms knowing that she’s safe and sound in her bed. Nothing bad happened. Maybe Adam was pissed because he had to spend his evening here, and Annaliese could’ve been sad because she found out about Gabby lying to her. That’s it. That has to be it. Everything here looks normal.
Walking into the kitchen I go straight for a beer, then put it back. Harder.
Reaching above the sink into the cupboard, I grab the bottle of whiskey and head to the living room. No glass needed tonight. I need mind-numbing.
Rounding the corner, my breath is taken away by the sight on the couch. Gabby, curled in the corner of the couch, so innocent and peaceful. This is what peaceful looks like. I glance at her, and then glance back to the whiskey in my hand. Why am I planning on drowning my sorrows in this bottle when I have the perfect woman right here in front of me?
“Hey, you,” I whisper, leaning down and kissing her forehead. She opens her eyes and I see the difference in them, just like I saw it the first time I met her. One shiny, one dull… but both red and puffy.
“Hey,” she stretches out, her pure beauty so breathtaking, I feel so much for her right now it’s scary. All of my emotions are on high alert from today’s devastating news, but what’s crazy is that right now the sorrow I felt at the hospital is replaced by pure adoration. “How’s your mom?” she asks innocently, smiling at me.