by M. Piper
He does as instructed, and starts moving slowly, groaning with every slight movement. I feel everything… every ridge, every pulse… everything. It’s so divine being this connected to someone that you love.
“Oh, God,” I exclaim. Not from the intense pleasure, but from the realization that the feelings I’ve been feeling are… love. I fucking love him?
No! I can’t fucking love him. I don’t do that shit.
“Jesus, Gabby, it’s never felt this good,” he pants, and I can feel his orgasm coming. Without the barrier it’s easy to tell when he’s starting to harden, right to the point of release. Slowing his movements, he sits up on his knees and starts massaging my clit while pinching my nipples. The pain and pleasure combination sets me off and has me turning my head into the pillow to hide the connection I’m feeling with him.
“Fuck, Benton,” I moan, pushing my face into the pillow so my moans don’t wake Hannah.
And so he can’t see the true feelings that are radiating from me right now.
Love. Last time I loved someone, everything was ruined.
“Shit, Gabby,” he growls, smashing his lips to mine. His movements get stiffer and harder. The deeper he goes, the better it feels as I ride my orgasm out to his release. Fuck. This is perfection. We lay like that for what seems like hours. His pants matching my ragged breaths, our glistening bodies twisted together without anything between us.
It’s beautiful.
As soon as we finally start to move and get cleaned up, Hannah starts crying from her room down the hall. Benton chuckles and kisses my forehead when I groan. I don’t want to leave the bed. I don’t want to be away from him. I know I should, I know that being this addicted to him won’t end well, but I don’t want to.
“At least she waited until we were finished,” he winks, his famous fucking Benton wink that gets to me every time. He walks out and closes the door behind him, and I power out of bed to find all my clothes. I need time alone. I need time to process this. I need to leave.
“Hey, I’ve got some stuff to get done at my place today,” I say, bag already in hand when he walks out of her room with the baby on his hip. I have a phone call with Dr. Travers in a few hours and need to be alone for it. I need some advice, and he’s always been there for me whenever I need him. No matter what day or time. When I texted him last night, I still hadn’t realized my true feelings for Benton or how deep my feelings for his daughter were. Now, I have a shit storm of things I need his advice and help on.
“Oh… okay. Yeah, that’s cool. We’re just going to lay low today before having to get back to the real world tomorrow,” he says, trying to mask his disappointment. It actually hurts my chest to walk away from them today after all this time we’ve spent together, but I need some time to myself to figure these feelings out. I haven’t felt this strongly for anyone ever. I don’t even think I felt this way for Jordan, but even then, I still know what can happen when I have an episode. I know what happens in my attacks, and it’s not good. I can’t be the one to hurt this family.
By the time I make it home, I’ve tried talking myself out of staying in a relationship with him about ten times, but I still haven’t been able to stick with it. Something is keeping me from breaking it off with him. I know what that something is, but I don’t want to accept it. Grabbing lunch, I wait for the phone call that will hopefully help me settle some of the nerves coursing through my body.
When the call finally comes, I breathe a sigh of relief. He’s always been able to help me… hopefully this time isn’t any different.
“Gabby, hello,” his deep voice comes through the line and immediately soothes me. It’s been this way since I was a child, and saw him in my school counseling room. He knows my past and knows everything about what happened that night. Dr. Travers is a lifesaver, and the only man I’ll ever really trust.
Or, at least, I thought that would be the case.
“Hi. I’m sorry for needing this today, but things have been so scary lately,” I whisper.
“Scary how? Have you had any episodes?” His voice is professional, but still has a hint of personal worry. He’s invested his career in my well-being. He doesn’t charge me, he cancels appointments when I need him… he’s put shit on the line for me.
So I tell him. I haven’t seen him since Benton’s mom passed, so I fill him in on everything. He already knows about the relationship between us, but he doesn’t know yet about us being exclusive. I tell him about Benton, the job, Hannah, Benton’s dad. I tell him my worries about Annaliese, and how she’s not truly happy. I tell him everything. That’s the thing about Dr. T. He doesn’t judge, so I don’t hold anything back. The only way he can help me get through this is if he knows everything, so I tell him about the episodes the night I watched Hannah, the extra pills…. Everything.
By the time I’m finished, I feel better just from getting everything off my chest. It’s nice to talk to someone that knows what I’ve been through and doesn’t judge me.
“Sounds like you’ve got a lot going on. How’s your anxiety today?”
“It’s fine. I came home to have some alone time. It’s funny… I used to hate being alone, but I needed it today just to get my head on straight.”
“I understand. Listen, I’m not a fan of you taking pills when you deem fit. It’s not a good habit to get into, and it worries me that you’ve been doing this for a while now.”
I knew he wasn’t going to like it, but it’s the only thing that’s helped. I didn’t have a choice.
“I can’t not take them,” I whisper, worried he’s going to pull me from it all. “I need them. I need to feel normal.”
He sighs into the receiver, taking a moment to collect his thoughts.
“Gabby, I’d like to see you. Can you come in Thursday?” His voice is out of concern, but I hate that he can’t just talk me through this over the phone. “Don’t do anything rash, Gabby. Just spend the week mulling things over, no extra medicine. Spend time with Benton and Hannah… they seem to be good for you. I’ll see you at our normal time on Thursday, okay?”
“Yeah. Fine. Thanks,” I huff, unhappy with the outcome of this call.
So, now I get to wait all week to have him tell me I’m crazy.
Back to work it is.
More Lies
Benton
“Sue, find me the file on Tagers.” The account was opened a few months back, but I can’t find anything on it, and with the way my brain has been muddled lately, I just need to make sure something didn’t happen while I was gone.
“On it,” she says cheerily, walking out of my office with an air about her… something that I haven’t seen lately.
Yesterday, I came back to work to an office that was completely normal. Being gone a week, I would have thought that things would’ve been fucking nuts here, but it seems like Adam made sure to keep it as normal and smooth as possible until my return. That’s what’s good about working with him. He’s organized and thorough. Sure, he can be a ruthless dick, and sometimes wants to take on projects that are too big for his own good, but he’s the most reliable business partner I could’ve ever imagined and the best friend a man could ask for.
“Hey,” he says from my doorway. “Holding up good?” Adam walks into the room with purpose, clicking the door shut behind him. Slowly making his way to my desk, where I’ve been all morning, getting caught up with emails, he makes a point to check out every photo I have on my desk of my family.
“As good as can be expected, I guess,” I say, huffing when he sits in front of me. “What’s up, man? I’ve got a shit ton of catching up to do.”
Really, I’ve been avoiding him since I came back because I know he’s going to want to talk about shit.
“I know for a fact that’s a lie. I made sure to leave you less of a workload than you had when your leave started. It’s only been a week or so, B. You don’t need this stress,” he says, shaking his head and staring at the papers I’ve accumulated this morning.
>
“I need this more than you think, Adam,” I sigh.
“Really? Gabby not doing it for you anymore?”
“Shut the fuck up, man! Can’t you fucking deal with your shit and leave me to mine?!” I bark, standing from my chair, ready to fight. I’ve been so on edge lately that I’m trying to pick a fight over nothing. Fuck, Benton. Calm your shit.
He smiles and leans back, loving the fact that he got to me that easily. Shit, he did it on purpose just to see my reaction to her.
“Fuck,” I sigh, sitting back down.
“Yeah, really. I never thought I’d see the day you moved on from Carly, but here we are…”
“Fuck off, Adam. You know that’s not what this is. She’s not coming back, and I’m finally happy with someone.”
“Someone who blacks out in your house while babysitting? Someone who lies to you about said blackout? Dude, I think you need to get your priorities straight. She better be fucking great in bed-”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” I cut him off. The noise that comes out of me puts a quick look of fear on his otherwise calm complexion. He knows what happens when I get mad. That’s why he used to bet on me, and only me, when I fought. Back when things were less complicated.
“Shit. I can’t say, exactly, but I can tell you Gabby isn’t all she’s making herself out to seem. Something’s going on, dude,” he sighs. “Annaliese and she sat in the living room that night for over an hour and, by the time they were finished, Gabby was passed out on the couch and Annaliese cried the entire way home.”
“What the hell happened that night? Gabby said you two stopped by because you were in the neighborhood, but didn’t you have that fundraiser? That’s on the other side of Chicago.” I’m starting to get very worried that what Gabby has told me about the happenings of that dreadful night aren’t exactly full of the truth. Why would she lie to me about that, about something regarding my daughter?
“Dude, I wasn’t in the room. All I know is that Gabby called freaking out, Annaliese made us leave the party, and, when we got there, Gab was passed out on the living room floor, phone still in hand.”
Passed Out?
“Fuck me,” I moan, putting my head in my hands for a moment to take in the disappointment. The rage. The hurt. What the hell? “Adam, she lied to me,” I say, astonished that I almost told her I loved her the other day. How can I love someone that lies to me about something like that? And what type of person does it make me that even though I know she lied, I still have incredibly strong feelings towards her? Feelings of love and hope for the future.
Fuck.
“Yeah, well…” He rests his elbows on his knees and sighs. Looking at me and glancing back at the door, like he’s making sure I’m the only one to hear his next words, he clears his throat and continues. “B, she has a kid.”
It feels like the wind’s been knocked out of me. A kid? A KID! She has a fucking kid?!
“I need you to leave, Adam,” I growl, clenching my fists, feeling the need to hit something. Hard.
“No can do,” he leans back and stares at me. “You’re not about to ruin this office because you can’t get that anger under control. Too much fucking money lies right here in this beautiful desk.” He pets the desk and grins. Asshole.
“I’m not going to destroy the office,” I say as calmly as I can. “I’m going to find Gabby.”
“Nope. She’s in cases all day, I’ve already checked. Good thing our company has a good chunk of money in her office. We can keep track of all of our employees that way.” He shrugs and picks up a picture frame of Hannah and my mom. “It’s a beautiful picture, B. She truly loved that little girl,” he says, trying to get my mind off the fact that I want to scream at Gabby until she tells me the truth.
“Adam,” I warn.
“The way I see it,” he sighs and sets the frame down, making complete eye contact with me. “You have two choices. Obviously, you love her, or you wouldn’t have let her watch Hannah abruptly like you did. Obviously, she means the world to you or else you wouldn’t be so upset right now about all of this. You can storm into her office, piss her off, embarrass her and make her tell you…. OR you can do it the civil way, and actually talk about the shit that bothers you.” He stands and shrugs, then walks towards the door. “Your call, B. I just don’t want you to do something rash and regret your decision. I’ve seen how happy you were before you mom passed… I think Gabby has a lot to do with that. I love you and will always. She is a huge reason why Annaliese and I are together so I’ll always have a soft spot for her as well. I may come off as brass and mean and stubborn, but I fight for those I love. I love you both, but you both have growing and learning to do before you can move forward.”
I’m speechless. Mr. Chicago talking so freely about his feelings? I know he thinks the world of me… what with helping speed up my adoption, helping with the funds for Carly’s funeral last year, and even helping out with Hannah whenever he can. He’s a better uncle than most blood relatives are but he’s never come out and said anything like this before.
“I don’t want to see either of you get hurt, that’s all.” He slightly grins at me and shrugs again.
“I appreciate that man.” I sigh and run my hands down my face. “I don’t think she’s hiding anything bad…. I’m sure it’s just insecurities or something.” I hope so at least, but something tells me there’s more to it.
“Yea… well either way… I want you both happy. Sure I give you a hard time about her, but it all has been so weird, B. I don’t like not being in the know, and you kept this from me for a long time. I’m worried… for both of you. I just want you guys to be as happy as I have become with Annaliese.”
With that as his sign off, he leaves my office, not closing the door behind him.
Asshole has a very valid point, and, as much as I want answers now, I know it’s only going to hurt both of us if I don’t go into this level headed. Maybe she has a reason she lied to me. Maybe there’s a perfectly good explanation of why she won’t tell me what’s really going on with her. I’ve seen the results from the nightmares, the shaking hands when out in public with Hannah. I’ve seen all these little things but none of it makes sense. Gabby is the typical American twenty-something woman. She’s smart, sexy, funny… she has the world ahead of her and a backbone to get it.
What’s she keeping from me?
Too upset to get any work done, I head out for an early lunch and call Dr. Travers on the way. Maybe he can help me out with these feelings of rage.
“Hey, Benton,” he answers, happy all the damn time. “What’s up?”
“I didn’t really expect you to answer,” I grumble. I love Dr. T; I just wish I had half of his optimism at times.
“It’s my lunch break, and I know what you’ve been going through. I saw the papers, son. I’m terribly sorry about your mother.”
“Thanks. Listen… I need to talk,” I sigh, running my hands through my hair. “You got a minute?”
“Absolutely, as long as you don’t mind me crunching in your ear,” he laughs. “What’s on your mind?”
I don’t plan on it, but I proceed to tell him everything. Every time I think I’ve heard rattling pills, to the gazed look she has at times, to the panic I see when I watch her out in public. Everything. When I’m finally done, I hear him take a breath and sigh.
Great, here we go. Now he can tell me how crazy I am for making myself fall in love with a woman who’s obviously broken.
“I’d like you to come in, Benton. Can you do that?”
“Uh… sure. When?” it’s weird he won’t talk to me over the phone. We’ve had a ton of these conversations before, but now he’s needing to see me in person?
“Thursday work for you? I have time in the evening. Six work?”
“Yeah. Sure, I’ll see you then,” I say, confused.
“Hey Benton, just don’t do anything rash right now, okay? You know the truth, everyone is safe, just… don’t let the ange
r get the best of you. We’ll talk Thursday, okay?”
“Great,” I mumble, hanging up.
A knock on my door makes me look up as soon as I set the phone down.
“Mr. James… there’s a Gabby Rosdale here to see you?” Sue says from my doorway, looking about as confused as I feel.
“Send her in,” I say, pissed that all I want to do is yell and ask why she lied to me.
The minute I see her, though, all the anger washes away and it’s replaced by sadness. Sadness that this woman I love feels like she can’t trust me with the truth. Jesus, all these fucking feelings. It was never like this with Carly. We were high school sweethearts; I never had these mature feelings of a new relationship with her.
“Hey, you,” I say, wrapping my arms around my life force. Gabby sighs, wrapped in my arms, then I feel her whole body shudder. “God, Gab, what’s wrong baby?” I ask in a hushed tone, gently shutting the door before wrapping my arms back around her. I thought she looked sad when she walked in, but she definitely didn’t start crying until she was here in my arms. “Hey,” I say gently, moving the hair out of her face to see her beautiful light brown eyes. Eyes that still amaze me. The right is still a little… cloudy… which worries me, but I’m sure she’s fine. It’s only like it when she seems over tired or emotional. I’ve never seen something like that on a person before, but I’m starting to believe nothing with Gabby will shock me.
She’s full on crying now, in my arms, so I take her to the couch and sit down with her. She keeps apologizing for something, but I can’t understand what she’s trying to say to me.
“Shhh,” I whisper. “It’s gonna be ok, Gab. You just need to talk to me, baby. I can’t help you until you talk to me.” I’m starting to worry something terrible happened. She’s crying so hard, shaking like she’s scared. Goddamnit.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for bothering you, I just…” she hiccups and sniffles, backing away from me and turning, so I can’t see her beautiful face. No, no she needs me, but she’s pushing me away. Why the hell is she doing this?