by M. Piper
The room is silent, except for our breathing, his arm draped across me. I’m surprised that Hannah is still sleeping after that, but I’m thankful that she is. I need to tell him. Everything. And I finally have the courage to. That was the most passionate love making I’ve ever had. He bared his soul to me. It’s time I trust him with mine.
“It all started when I was a kid,” I whisper, his body still but I know he’s listening. “My parents were abusive drunks… the worst parents a girl could have.” I chuckle, because, looking back, I didn’t really think much about it. Now, though, I know how bad they really were. “When I was sixteen, I met a boy. I thought I loved him, and he took my virginity and me. In one night, I lost my innocence to a man that was just about as bad as my parents.” He groans and sets up on his elbow to watch me. I start tracing the lines inked on his arm absentmindedly while I talk, unable to meet his gaze. “I tried breaking it off with him once I realized once how bad he really was, but it was no use. He kept coming back and forcing me back into the relationship. I was weak and unstable, so I went with him. Stupidly.” I take a breath and pause.
“Gab, you don’t have to,” Benton offers, watching my fingers trace the same spot on his arm over and over.
“I want to. I do trust you, Benton,” I whisper, those three words I’ve been feeling for so long stick in my throat. “He got me pregnant. I think it was on purpose, so I would stop running from him because he knew I’d be too scared to run if I had another life to take care of. He was eighteen; I was sixteen. He had finished high school…. I never got to. After everything, I was able to get my GED and head to college to make something of myself, but that was after the fact.”
“You’ve gone through so much, Gab-”
“Stop. I’m not done.” I don’t want him to pity me. Everything that happened that night was because I was too weak to do anything about my situation. “It was late, and we had just been fighting about something dumb. Like always,” I whisper, remembering that fight all too well. The fight when he told me that I had to let my abusive parents watch my son. No way in hell. “When I told him I was leaving him, he laughed at me because I never went through with my threats. I was so weak,” I whisper. “I tried leaving in the middle of the conversation, so I put Noah in the car and pulled away, but Jordan ran after me and was in the car as I started driving away. He was screaming at me, Noah was crying, I was crying.” I stop and sniffle, bracing myself for the next part. When I told Annaliese these details, I was already numb from the panic attack I had just suffered, but right now, lying naked in bed with the man I love, this feels so raw. “The road was dark, and I didn’t see the tractor. What the hell kind of hillbilly city has tractors crossing the road at midnight?” I feel a tear roll down my cheek, and realize I’m full blown crying by this point. Every time I blink, I can see the wreckage scene. I remember the screams, the noise, and the smell. It’s something I’ll never forget.
“Gabby…” he pauses and takes a breath, but I can’t stop now or I won’t get it all out.
“I hit it. I hit the tractor. Huge fucking tractor…” I pause and shake my head, collecting myself. “Because I wasn’t paying attention, because he was screaming at me, and Noah, my son, wouldn’t stop crying, and I was crying and my vision was blurred because of the tears and I hit the goddamned tractor.” I know I’m rambling and crying and probably making no sense, but I never thought I’d be able to talk about it without having an attack. Now that I’m talking, I’m realizing how good it feels to actually let some of the crazy out.
“No,” Benton whispers, shifting up to take my face in his hands and trying to meet my gaze. Closing my eyes, I try to shake him off. I don’t deserve the pity. I fucking killed two people that night.
“Benton, they died,” I cry. “By the time I came to, there were other people helping and trying to get the door open. My door somehow popped open on impact, I don’t know. Maybe I didn’t have it closed all the way since I left in a hurry… but the baby. My Noah,” I cry. “I killed him, Benton.”
“Gabby, that’s not your fault,” he whispers, his hands wiping away my tears as they fall freely down my cheeks.
“It is, though. It’s my fault because I shouldn’t have been driving that fast. I should have not been driving so upset. I couldn’t get back to them once the flames started. Someone pulled me to the side of the fucking road, and wouldn’t let me get to the car. Jordan, my boyfriend, was screaming… he was stuck in the car. I can still hear Noah’s screams every time my mind starts to wander. I’ve been on so many different medications to try and right myself, but nothing works one hundred percent of the time. I always relapse, I always end back up in my dark place, and I always run. That’s what I do. I can’t stay, because, if I stay, then I start to get attached and I’ve only ever ended up hurting the people I get attached to.” Taking a breath, I slowly move my eyes to his. He’s searching my eyes, shaking his head. His thumb is gently tracing my jaw line, then slowly retreats from touching me and he sighs. I can finally breathe. I can finally be around him without any worries that he will hate me. If he hated me, he’d be asking me to leave right now.
“Fuck, Gabby,” he says, finally rolling to his back.
I know he loves me. He’s not running from me. I have to push back the feelings that he’s trying to figure out how to push me away and try to focus on the fact that he’s still here and I’m still here. I just told him something huge; obviously, he needs time to process it. So, I do the only thing I know how to do. I stand up to leave, but not to run away. To give him space. Because I know if someone I love told me something like that, I would need time to figure out my brain.
“I used to fight,” he says, staring at the ceiling. “I was married, and I would get so upset about things that I’d need a release, so I fought. Underground shit for money. I loved the feeling of kicking someone’s face in and watching the blood fly. I loved the rush of winning.” He sits up and looks at me, like he is just realizing what I’m doing. He doesn’t say anything; he just keeps talking. “I used to enjoy hitting people. Gabby… I never hit my wife. I never hit someone outside of that ring. I’m not like that, and I pray you don’t think I’d ever do that.”
“Benton, I’d never,” I whisper, crawling across the bed to touch him. Just one touch and I feel myself calming. Placing my hand on his cheek, I smile when he closes his eyes from my touch. “I know you love me, Benton. I know it; I accept it. I know you’d never hurt me.”
“Why’d you flinch from me earlier?”
Is this what he’s going to hold on to? The fact that my parents hit me when I was younger? He’s not asking about the two people I killed, he’s more worried that I don’t like the fact that he used to fight. Who is this man, and how did I get so lucky to have him?
“Baby… it’s just a reaction. One I’m not proud of, but I found things hurt less when you brace yourself for it. I learned it at a very young age… so any type of aggression… be it angry voice or flexed muscles… it puts me on edge.” I’m not ashamed to talk about that part of my life. I got out when I could, I always knew what they were doing was wrong, so I laid low and left as soon as I could, never looking back.
“You’re not afraid of me? Because I do love you, Gabby. I love you so fucking much it hurts when you shut me out and don’t let me help you,” he whispers, slightly leaning his face in the palm of my hand.
“I know… I’m sorry. Benton I…” I pause and take a breath. “I love you, Benton.” I see his features lighten, and a smile play across his lips. “I love you, but I don’t really know how to love. I don’t know how to do this. I’ve been having terrible panic attacks lately because I start to freak out that I’m going to ruin someone else’s life, and I love you and Hannah so much that it would kill me to hurt you two,” I whisper.
“Gabby, you’re not going to hurt us. I trust you.” He kisses me softly and pulls back to gaze into my eyes. His beautiful dark brown eyes are radiating love for me, and I just want to cur
l into him and cry, but I’m not finished.
“Benton, I have PTSD. That’s why sometimes you see a glazed look in my eyes… I have flashbacks, and, lately, I’ve been having a shit ton more. I think it’s because I’m being reminded of what I used to have… what I ruined.”
“Baby,” he whispers, pulling me into his arms. “You’re so fucking strong. Whatever you need… whatever I can do… I’m here for you, Gabby. I don’t want you to suffer alone anymore.”
He sounds so positive that he’s going to be able to make me better. I’m not going to ruin his moment by promising him that no one can make me better.
“Can we just lay here for a while? I’m not tired, but I just… I want to feel you,” I say into his chest. He lets out a light chuckle and we lay down in complete silence. I’m not sure how I got all that out without having another panic attack. I think that’s the most I’ve ever talked about that night. Annaliese didn’t even get that much detail. Granted, I haven’t told Benton everything, but he knows the majority of it, he’s still willing to try this out with me, and for that I’m grateful.
About an hour of lying together is all we get before Hannah wakes up. Sighing heavily, he closes his eyes and takes a few breaths before making a move to get off the bed. Before he opens the door, he turns and grins at me.
“I’m making breakfast, taking the morning off, and we’re spending time together. Just us. Here. We’ll figure this out as we go, but I need you with me, Gabby.”
“I need you, too,” I whisper, watching his grin and slight nod before he leaves to get Hannah out of her crib.
I do need him. More than he knows.
The morning goes by with ease. Hannah is definitely a morning kid. So much energy and, even though it’s only been a few days since I’ve seen her, I feel like she’s grown an entire foot!
“It’s only a matter of time before she tries for her first steps,” Benton says from his spot on the floor. We’ve been sitting here for about an hour now, playing with Hannah and giving her some much needed attention. He’s right, though. She’s already developing fast. Next thing we know, she’ll be running all day and we won’t be able to hold her back.
I smile to myself, loving how a word as simple as ‘we’ doesn’t freak me out anymore.
Maybe telling him everything was the best thing I could have done for us.
I can do this, and he can help.
Death Changes People
Benton
“Hey,” Adam calls from his office as I walk into the office. Groaning, I knew this would happen, but I really wished it wouldn’t. Not at work at least, but apparently he can’t wait.
“What’s up?” I ask, popping my head in his door. Maybe if I make it look like I’m in a hurry, he won’t instigate this conversation. I know he’s going to want to talk about last night, but I’d rather not share all of Gabby’s secrets.
“Come on in, close the door,” he says, closing a few windows shut on his computer screen. Groaning, I find my way to his couch and plop down as unprofessionally as I can.
“This isn’t a business meeting, is it?” I ask.
“Nope,” he says, standing and walking around to sit on the edge of his desk. “She talk to you?”
“For once, I just wish I knew something before you,” I say shaking my head. “Of course she did. You really didn’t give her any choice, calling her out like you did. That was rude, dude.”
“It needed to be done. She’s got issues, B.”
“Yeah,” I say, rubbing my neck remembering her words this morning. “I know.”
“So, she tell you what happened?”
“About the accident?”
“Yes,” he drawls. “And the whole ‘blacking out while watching your baby’ thing.”
“Oh,” I say, thinking back to our conversation. “No… no she hasn’t.” She hasn’t, but I know she’d never do it on purpose. It may be stupid of me, but I seriously trust her with my daughter. Maybe I shouldn’t, though. Maybe I should just make it to where they never have alone time anymore. That seems incredibly unfair to both of them, but how am I supposed to make sure something like that doesn’t happen again? I’ve lost a wife and a mother in the past year. I can’t lose a daughter and the woman I love. I won’t have that.
“She can’t be with her, Benton,” he growls. “What if she was out in public with Hannah and that happened? What would’ve happened to your baby girl?”
He has a point. Gabby can’t go out with Hannah until I know she’s clear of the blackouts. She did say this morning that things have been getting worse lately. I wonder if being around us is causing her to have more? Now that I know her past, I can only assume that we bring back things she’d rather not remember.
Shit!
“Dude… I can’t leave her with Hannah,” I whisper, sitting back on the couch, feeling like I’ve been sucker punched.
How can the woman I feel like I could’ve spent the rest of my life with be this broken?
“Yeah… no. Definitely not. Not a good idea,” he scoffs. “She’s fucking nuts.”
“Don’t you ever fucking say that again, Adam.” The growl that comes out of me takes him aback and he cocks his head at me. “She’s not fucking crazy. She’s stronger than you and I put together. She’s a fucking fighter; she’s just broken. If you ever pull an asshole stunt again like you did with her, I’ll rip your balls off and feed them to the birds.”
“You love her, don’t you?” He grins and slides his hands in his pockets.
“I do,” I say, standing. “It’s insane how much I love her. I’ve never felt like this before,” I admit.
“Carly?” He raises his eyebrows.
“It’s an asshole thing to say, but, by the time Carly and I were into the adult stage of our relationship, we were already past the ‘honeymoon’ phase and well into the ‘I’m used to you so I don’t have to impress you’ phase. I’m not used to these grown up feelings I have for Gabby. Don’t get me wrong. I loved Carly with my entire heart, and there’s a part of me that will always… always… belong to her. She helped give me Hannah, she molded who I am today… she was my first love,” I whisper. “But she’s gone, and she’s not coming back. Gabby is here, and I know I love her. Hard. I’m going to help her, Adam.”
He smiles and nods slowly.
“Alright. Sounds good. I’ll help any way I can… you know that.”
“Yeah, thanks, man. A-Team and all that shit,” I say, chuckling. He laughs loud and sighs.
“Alright... get to work, slacker. You’ve got shit to do, and I have to make myself look busy while you run my business,” he says laughing.
Saluting him, I chuckle as I walk to my office. The entire time I’m working, I can’t stop thinking about Gabby and what happened to her. I wonder how she’s really dealing with it. I wonder if she’s on meds and what kind. I wonder how often she meets with Dr. T. Then, I wonder if I can really help her.
I can. I know I can.
By the time I make it to daycare to get Hannah, I’m ready to eat and relax. Even after an entire afternoon working, I still feel like I didn’t really get anything done. I have a new client meeting tomorrow that I didn’t prepare for. Adam wants to talk about the prostitutes he wants to employ, which pisses me off. I couldn’t stop thinking about Gabby all damn day, and my secretary was useless, letting calls come in every five minutes.
Useless.
When my phone rings after I finally have Hannah in bed, I smile at her picture on my screen.
My Gabby.
“Hey you,” I say smiling. “How was your day?”
“Ugh,” she moans and I immediately feel my dick harden for her. Shit this woman. “I’ve been job hunting all afternoon and so far nothing full time has come up. I’m starting to worry I won’t find anything in time to pay my next month’s rent.”
“I have faith, Gabby. You’re a smart girl. If I had my way, I’d be able to force the firm to take you back.” I hate that they let her go, but t
hey claimed downsizing for the layoff.
I call bullshit, but I’m just a silent investor with no say in who they hire and fire.
“No. I don’t want to go back there. I don’t want a pity job. I just… I can’t be without my apartment. I guess I could move back in with my mom but-”
“No!” I blurt. She can’t do that! “I respect your choices, Gabby, but that’s a terrible idea.”
“I know it is, but, baby, I don’t really have any other choice. If I can’t pay, they kick me out. There’s no way I’m living on the streets.”
“Move in with me,” I blurt without even thinking about what I’m actually saying.
When silence meets me, I know I said the wrong thing.
“Um…” she says finally after what seems like a lifetime of silence. “Let’s just think about this and maybe I’ll find something in time.” It’s a very nice way of telling me no. “Listen… I uh… I have to go. I’ll talk to you tomorrow okay?”
“Sure, yeah. Can you come over after I get off work tomorrow? I’ll make dinner.”
“Yeah… Yeah. I’ll be there. I have to go. Bye.” She hangs up quickly, and I’m left standing in my bedroom staring at my phone shaking my head.
Damnit.
I should’ve known not to push her that fast, especially after her just admitting her real feelings to me last night. I should’ve known she’d be skittish about relationship things. She was raw last night; open. She didn’t hold anything back.
Except for the fact about her blacking out.
Shit! I meant to ask her about that. Should I confront her about it, or should I just leave it be and make sure there’s not a chance it can happen again? I’m not sure about how her day went the rest of the day today, but even last night while telling me everything about what happened with her son and her boyfriend she didn’t have a panic attack so that means she’s probably getting over it, right?