by M. Piper
She needs me, but I need her more.
“I love you, Gabby,” I whisper, watching her take a deep breath after the words leave my mouth.
She’s listening. She knows. She’s just sad, and having a hard time. I’ll give her that, but what I won’t give her is the satisfaction that she’s hurt me. I know that’s what she’s trying to do. She’s trying to push me away, but it’s not that easy to do.
Making it out to the waiting room, I have a few missed calls from Adam that I need to tend to before he shows up here, pissed.
“Hey,” I say when he grunts his answer.
“Benton. Fuck, man… you’ve put me through a shit storm today, you know that?” He sounds drained, and I suddenly feel bad for not finding help this week while I’ve been slacking at work.
“Sorry, man. I’ll bring someone up from downstairs to fill in for me until this stuff gets sorted out.”
“No man... not work. Work is going perfect. Take another week off,” he says chuckling. “You haven’t heard, obviously, have you?”
“Heard what?” I growl. What other bad news is going to smack me across the face?
“Gabby’s mom died from her injuries yesterday in the same hospital you two are at.”
Oh, fuck.
“Shit,” I say, sitting on a bench because I suddenly feel like I could pass out.
Shit, I killed someone.
“Oh my god, Adam,” I groan. “This isn’t happening. I didn’t… she wasn’t… she fucking shot Gabby!”
I can’t go to jail. I can’t leave my baby. I can’t… oh fuck fuck fuck.
“Relax, man. I’m having it taken care of. She has no next of kin, and no one really cares she’s dead. Plus, it was all in defense of Gabby who couldn’t defend herself.”
“Hell,” I sigh.
“B, dude, don’t worry about it. I’ve got this, but I just thought you should know in case Gabby finds out before you.”
Shit.
“Listen, I need to get moving. I have a meeting with the state department in a half hour. You’re going to be fine, Benton. I promise you. Now, go take care of your girl.”
Hanging up without words, I don’t move.
I can’t.
She’s going to hate me. I’m a killer. If she didn’t want to stay with me before, now she’s going to be terrified of me.
Fuck.
Crazy
Gabby
One week later
“Today’s the day!” Annaliese beams, opening the blinds of my room. “You can finally get out of this terrible place.”
She turns and puts her hands on her hips. I can’t take her happiness. I have nothing to be happy about. I can’t take the fact that Benton hasn’t been back in my room, but I know he’s at least safe.
I warned him. I warned him that being around me would lead to nothing good, but he wouldn’t let it happen. Then he made me go and fall in love with him, and everything was ruined in one shot.
One shot that was meant for his daughter.
A tear slips down my cheek as I silently cry for everything I’ve lost. I didn’t deserve it, and I knew it, but it still hurts to lose the two people I love the most. It hurts thinking that he’s going to move on without me. It hurts to think that Hannah will fall in love with another woman, and maybe even call her ‘mom’ one day.
It hurts to know that everything I was learning to crave: love, affection, motherhood… was all ripped away from me in one moment.
Now, I have to learn to move on again, all by myself. Without Benton, without Hannah… and without Annaliese.
“You can head out. I’ve got this,” I say, trying to stand up from the chair I’m sitting in.
Wincing, my free hand immediately goes to my abdomen.
Shit that hurts.
“Sit, bitch. You’re not pushing me away. You can’t fucking walk on your own. I’m taking you home and I’m staying with you until Benton gets there.”
“Um…” I never told her I broke up with him. I couldn’t. She’s been here every day, but we haven’t really talked about anything. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to be… I just want to be left alone and wither away. Living without Benton and Hannah is going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
“What?” She stops fussing with my wheel chair long enough to look up at me.
“I’m not going back there,” I whisper. “I broke it off with him.”
Her eyes narrow, and she slowly stands. Hands on her hips, she pegs me with those beautiful eyes and I know I’m about to see the wrath of Annie that only comes out in dire circumstances.
Fuck.
“Gabrielle Adriana Rosdale. Stop being a bitch, and get in the goddamned wheelchair, so I can wheel your ass out of here and back to your fiancé who is miserable without your sorry ass.” She narrows her eyes at me, then glances at the wheelchair she finally has ready and taps her foot, waiting for me to get off the bed.
Well, shit.
“Wait, are you seriously pissed?” I ask, surprised that, after all these years, it looks like I’ve actually pissed off the Annaliese Ryder.
“Yes. If you wouldn’t have been so… blah… these last few days, you wouldn’t be miserable right now. It’s fucking stupid, Gabby,” she says, sighing and sitting in the chair she just prepared for me. I raise an eyebrow at her and grin when she narrows her eyes at me.
“You don’t get to smile right now. Just listen, bitch. Your fiancé put his life on the line for you. Everything he has could be taken away because he loves you that much. Everything,” she whispers, furrowing her eyebrows at me.
“Excuse me?” He didn’t do shit. He’s the victim here, not me. He was the one my mom was aiming for… his little girl is his world, and if she‘d been killed, it would have killed him. What could he possibly have on the line because of this? I freed him. I let him go so he could out of this shit-storm.
“Gabby…” Annaliese sits on the bed next to me and takes my hand. “Honey, you haven’t heard yet… and I know Benton was going to wait to tell you,” she says, then sighs and curses under her breath. “Gab, Benton beat up your mother the day you were shot. He was there… he and Adam found you. I can’t… I’m so happy we weren’t on our honeymoon yet,” she whispers. “I don’t know what I would’ve done if you left me.” She sniffles and takes a deep breath, still holding onto my hand.
“So… Benton went straight for your mom… he beat her so good she wasn’t even recognizable when the paramedics finally got to her.”
Wow.
I always knew he had a temper, and I know he used to fight, but I guess I never knew him to be the person to be able to beat someone to the edge of his or her life.
Then it dawns on me what she’s trying to tell me.
“Ann, are you telling me he killed my mother?” I whisper, not even believing that I’m having to say the words out loud. She groans and stands up, starting to pace. A reaction like this wouldn’t be this dramatic if she’s still alive. His livelihood and family and life wouldn’t be on the line if he hadn’t killed someone. “Shit,” I whisper.
She’s gone.
The woman who made my life a living hell. The woman I have been wishing dead since I was nine years old is finally gone. I should feel sad that my mom died… any normal person would… but, with everything she put me through, she never really was a ‘mom’. She was the devil in a pretty blue dress most days. She was the woman who made sure to put on a show that her daughter was pristine, and she was the epitome of perfect house wife on the outside, just to come home and throw her daughter down the stairs if her hair wasn’t just right.
She was the devil, and I’m happy she’s gone.
Strangely enough… I’m ecstatic that it was my Benton that killed her. Does that show how crazy I am? I should be scared shitless that he has it in him to kill someone, but I know he’d never hurt me. I should be worried that one day he’s going to hurt his daughter, but I know the love he has for her. I do fear for her future boy
friends, but that’s normal for any father of little girls.
No, I’m not scared at all that he’d ever hurt me. What I am scared of is the fact that he killed someone, and he’s going to have to pay for it, right?
“Oh God, Ann,” I gasp. “If he goes to jail… Hannah… Oh my god,” I whisper, tears starting to fall.
“Don’t worry about that, Gabby. Adam has the best of the best on it. You know, more than anyone, how what he did was in defense for you… it’s all going to work out.”
I’m going to be sick. Shit.
“Ann, I need to talk to him,” I whisper. “I have to see him.”
Standing, forgetting about the stitches on my abdomen, I wince and immediately freeze.
“Fuck,” I hiss, pressing my free hand to my stomach. With one hand in a sling, and the other nursing a wound, moving is going to be pretty difficult.
“Stop, crazy. I’m here to help,” Ann says, shaking her head. “And when you get home, Benton will be there to help.
I smile gently as she helps me into my wheelchair, and we make our way down the hall. I signed all my release papers this morning, but I haven’t been in a rush to leave because I haven’t really known where I was going when I left here.
Now I do. I just hope he takes me as I am. Broken.
By the time we make it back to his place, I’m a mess. I want to cry and scream. I’m shaking from nerves, I’m sweating, in pain, and tired. Hot fucking mess.
“Come on,” Ann says as we slowly make our way into the building. I’m up and walking, but so incredibly slow I’m fairly certain a turtle would be able to pass me up no problem.
“You ready?” she asks when the elevator doors close and we start to ascend.
“As I’ll ever be,” I say, my fingers absentmindedly going to my ring finger. I only had the ring for a very short amount of time, but I had grown so used to having it on that I feel naked without it.
“You know he’s been back at the hospital every day since you kicked him out?” Ann says gently while watching the numbers of the elevator rise.
“Really?” No one told me that.
“Yea. Every evening after work, I would take Hannah back to his house and he would sit in the waiting room in case you decided you wanted to see him.”
“Huh,” I manage. He really was there. The entire time I thought he left and didn’t look back, and he was sitting just rooms away, waiting for me. Smiling, I look over at Annaliese. “I’ve missed him so bad.”
“I bet. You were a bitch to him, Gab.”
“Thanks for handling me with kid gloves, jeez,” I whine as the doors open and she helps shuffle me out into the hallway.
“Hey… look. I know you’ve been through a shit storm in your life, but you finally have something worth being happy over… someone that loves you deeply, and who will do anything for you. Someone that literally would kill for you,” she chuckles.
“It’s not really funny… but I’m so glad I have him,” I say, smiling.
“Good. Because we’re here, and I’m not staying. You two have shit to talk about. And I have a playdate with my niece,” she says. Opening the door, she walks me in, and I see Benton standing in the hallway with Hannah on his hip, a surprised look filling his face.
“Oh my god, what… how…”
“I might have lied.” Annaliese smiles slyly. “So, I’m taking this tiny one to the park, and you two are going to figure this out.”
Without any more words, Annaliese grabs Hannah’s diaper bag and stroller and has her out the door in mere minutes after arriving, leaving Benton and I starting at each other in his hallway.
“I uh… I thought you knew.”
“No. I mean…. She told me you weren’t getting out until tomorrow. I thought you were sleeping in her spare room,” he says, sounding hurt and confused.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I can go-”
“NO!” he blurts. “I want you here. So bad, Gabby… come on, can you walk?”
“No, Annaliese carried me in,” I say, grinning. He finally cracks one himself and I start laughing. “Yes, I can walk with a little help. You mind?”
“Yeah… absolutely.” He takes my arm and helps me move down the hallway to the couch. I feel so awkward with him, but I don’t want to. I want to feel normal with him, I want to be able to feel comfortable around him, but I feel so bad for pushing him away and I have to apologize. I take a breath to speak… to get out everything that I need to tell him.
To apologize.
Before I’m able to say anything, though, he starts in with a worried tone to his voice.
Something’s off with him, and I know what it is.
“Listen, Gab,” he sighs. “I don’t know what you’re thinking, but just because you pushed me out of your hospital room doesn’t mean you pushed me out of your life. If that’s what you were trying to do, you’re going to have to try a whole hell of a lot harder than that… and even then I’m not certain you’ll be able to ever get rid of me. I don’t know what’s going on in your mind, but I’m here. I’m giving you your space, but I’m not gone.” He sighs and curses. “But, before you say anything,” he blurts. “I have to tell you something that might change the way you think about me. It’s nothing I planned, it’s nothing I’m proud of… but I can’t change it.” He’s going to tell me about my mom, but seeing the sadness coursing through him, I can see he’s actually having a worse time with the news than I am.
“Benton, I know what you’re going to tell me,” I say smiling. Resting my good hand on his cheek, I shake my head. “I’m not worried about it. I know you didn’t mean to… I know it was an accident… I also know that you love me and you’d never hurt me. Ever. I know this. I also know I love you more now than I ever did before, and I didn’t even know that was possible. What you did? You cleared my slate. Wiped it clean. Something in me snapped when I heard the news about her. Something in my brain clicked back on… and now all I can think is how big of an asshole I was to you.”
A smile breaks his tense features, and I’m finally starting to feel right again, but I’m not done with what I have to tell him. This is important to me. This is something that I was never given when I was younger.
“I’m sorry, Benton,” I whisper, feeling the knot in my throat grow.
“Gab, no,” he says, taking my face in his hands.
“No, I have to. I wasn’t in my right mind, and I thought that pushing you away from me would keep you safe. I’m so sorry I did that. You’re my world, and I can’t function without you.” I’m rambling but I can’t stop. I didn’t realize how badly I missed him until I was told I would be discharged… and I didn’t know where to go. I don’t care that I sound desperate or that I’m bawling my eyes out. I don’t care that I’m probably coming off as weak. I’d be all over him, begging for his forgiveness, if it wouldn’t be for the stitches in my side not letting me move without pain.
“I love you, Benton. I do… and I screwed up when I made you leave. When Annie told me you were at the hospital every day, I realized just how much I ruined,” I whisper through the tears.
“Oh god, Gabby, no… No, baby, that’s not… I’m not… Baby, you didn’t ruin anything.” Gently he takes my face in his hands and leans in to kiss me, thumbing away the tears. “Gabby, I told you I’m not going anywhere, and I meant it. I’m so in love with you it hurts physically when I have to think about a world without you.”
He stands and walks across the room. As he walks, I notice the small things about him that I fell in love with. The muscles under the t-shirt that I can tell are tense right now, the hair I love to run my fingers through, the strong jawline that currently is harboring a few days of beard growth. All of it making my libido roar back to life as if I never were shot. Unfortunately, my current condition won’t let me act on it. Damn, this is going to be a long six weeks.
“When you pushed me out of that hospital room was the day I heard about what happened to your mom. It was one of the worst da
ys I’ve had this last year… and it’s been a rough year as you know.” He chuckles lightly. “But, Gabby, I knew you were hurting and I knew I just needed to give you space so I did. Granted, I still came up there every night just in case you decided you wanted me… but I couldn’t stay away, Gab.”
He walks back to the couch and sits back next to me, turning so he’s facing me.
“I’d love it,” he says, opening his closed fist to reveal my ring I so stupidly handed back. “If you would put this ring back on your finger, and never hand it back to me again.” He’s grinning a stupid grin and I can’t help but laugh at his way of proposing for the second time in a month.
“Well, when you put it that way, I can’t exactly turn it down, can I?” I laugh and hold out my finger so he can slip it on. It’s looser this time than it was when he first slid it on my finger.
“We need to get you some food, woman,” he grunts.
“Hey, B?” I ask as he stands up from the couch. “You know I’m not fully fixed, right? I mean… Just because I know I lost it at the hospital… I still have demons.” I know it’s dumb to have to remind him, but I don’t want him thinking that I’ve suddenly healed. She’s gone, but the memory of what happened that night will never leave me.
He grins at me.
“Babe, aren’t we all just a little bit crazy?” I get the famous Benton wink, and realize he knows exactly what I’m talking about.
I’m crazy, and he loves every bit of it.
Scared
Benton
“Goddamnit, I love you, Gabby,” I moan into her mouth, pushing my release into her. I could get used to these early mornings.
“Fuck, Benton,” she pants, biting down in my lip. Shit, that feels good. Grinding her hips up to meet me, I feel her tense and recognize the start of her orgasm start to explode around me. “Ah, fuck!”
She purrs and squeezes her eyes shut as her orgasm rips through her, trying her damndest to stay quiet, but it’s to no avail. I chuckle when she starts moaning louder as I pull out and taste myself on her while she rides out her release on my face.