by Mia Ford
“It has to be this way…” I insisted, following after her, “I’m not trying to hurt you, Carrie…”
“I know. It’s okay,” she replied, without turning around.
Her complacency bothered me. So, I ran up to her and placed my hand lightly on her shoulder. She shrugged it off, “It’s fine.”
“Listen, Carrie, I want you to understand.”
“I do,” she answered quietly, without turning around. “You have done this to me enough already, I should expect it. I know that you’re hurting, and you might even be confused, feeling trapped, I’m not exactly sure what. However, the pattern is evident.”
“Pattern?” I scoffed.
“Yes. We have sex, you enjoy it, then you get into your head and convince yourself that this isn’t right. For whatever reason, you’re opposed to being happy and I know that’s not my fault.”
“You’re right,” I conceded, “Nothing is your fault. You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s just, I’ve been thinking a lot…I’m not trying to be a jerk. I’m really just trying to do what I think is best for us both. I’m trying to protect you. I’m trying to save you.”
“No, you’re trying to save yourself. You have built walls that you think are insurmountable, so you discourage everyone who tries to help you escape those walls…But one day, the barriers that you have built are going to cave inwards and if you are still in the middle, stubbornly catapulting any help away, you’re going to be buried beneath them.”
“How do you know that?” I hissed, angered by the possibility that my situation could get worse. Briefly, selfishly, I wondered if that was the reason that I hadn’t swallowed a bullet yet, but countered my own morbid fears with anger, directed at Carrie. “You think that you’re so smart, because you can pick people apart and tell them exactly what they don’t wan to hear, just so you can get your way?”
“What?” Carrie retorted, “Johnathan, I’m trying to help you. I don’t want you to get hurt. I want you to find some semblance of happiness before you completely shut yourself off from the rest of the world.”
“Did it ever occur to you that maybe I don’t want help? Maybe I was doing just fine before you came into my life?”
At this, she tilted her head, but didn’t respond. Instead, she narrowed her eyes and shrugged her shoulders.
Her lack of bantering bothered me slightly, so I backed off, considering she was right. If I was going to push her away, without feeling absolutely terrible about it for the rest of my life, I needed her to answer me. “I mean, maybe you’re right. There’s a good chance that I have no idea what I’m talking about, but you see, I’m not ready to take that chance.”
She bobbed her head up and down in a nod, though there wasn’t any conviction behind it.
“I wish I was. I wish I could just be happy-go-fucking-lucky like you. I wish I could bounce back from all the shit you’ve been through and preserver…I actually admire that, but I can’t. I’ve tried.”
Again, she nodded and I started to feel as though she wasn’t even listening to me anymore.
“I feel like you don’t understand, or you think that I’m lying to you. Do you at least have some understanding of what I’m trying to tell you?”
Again, she made the agreeing motion, that was devoid of an ounce of principle. It almost seemed that she simply wanted me to stop talking, so she was feigning agreement so that she wouldn’t have to have this conversation anymore.
This made me feel like crap, but instead of trying to fix the issue, I did what I apparently was best at and continued to dig myself into a bigger hole.
“Are you going to speak to me, or just agree with me?” I retorted in an angry tone.
At this, Carrie sighed and raised her eyes to me, turning her head only enough so that she could see me. Speaking softly, she finally gave me her genuine opinion, “Johnathan, there is only so much someone can take before they know that they cannot make someone understand their point of view, or in this case, I can’t make you trust me. I thought that yesterday, we had made strides toward you trusting me. You told me everything and we ended up having a great night. I thought things were going well, but now, to wake up to the same old guilt, and unspoken accusations, I realize that you can’t keep your word. You can’t bring yourself to trust me. of course, I’m upset and disappointed, but I don’t blame you. How could I? Knowing what you’ve been through, your reaction tells me that you aren’t ready and that’s okay. I just hope I helped you a little bit.”
I backed away slightly, as her honesty again cut deep. She wasn’t insulting, but what she said and how she put her response caused me to feel like a total dick.
“I’m sorry,” I answered finally, unable to figure out anything else to say that would assuage her feelings. “I don’t want it this way. I just can’t do this. I can’t help it.”
“Just like you don’t want my pity, or my help, I don’t need yours. If you want to help me get back to the ranger’s station, that would be great, but don’t feel obligated.”
“No, I’m going to help you, that’s not what this is about. I just…”
“You want me out of your life. I get it,” she answered, then started in the opposite direction, leaving me speechless.
“No…” I insisted, though I didn’t go after her. I wanted to catch up to her and I wanted, at least for the moment, to lie and tell her that she was wrong.
I yearned for her to be wrong, but the fact that she wasn’t wrong cut me even deeper.
At that moment, I wished I was stronger. I wished I could put myself out there and be the man she deserved, instead of the jerk she was stuck with.
Deep down, I knew she loved me, though I wasn’t sure why, but that was what made me want to get away from her even quicker.
Now that I had some time to think clearly and I wasn’t presently overwhelmed with the intoxicating effect she seemed to have on me, I was aware of what a big mistake I was making.
This thought process caused me to once again, watch her walk away.
Chapter 19:
Carrie
I wasn’t sure how I had managed to stay so calm. I was hurt and confused, even though I pretended I wasn’t either of these things. I had thought we were making progress. In fact, I was stupid enough to believe that he might even come back with me.
Maybe I am as stupid as he seems to think I am. I thought, trying to stay ahead of him, so that he didn’t see my tears.
The hike to the ranger’s station was like a blur. We didn’t stop once, even though my ankle started to ache a couple of hours into the trip, I didn’t allow it to stop me. I was too determined to get to the station and get the hell out of Johnathan’s life.
Jake was by my side for most of the way, but Johnathan didn’t say much. He was behind me, walking closely, but hovered, more than walked behind me. It was aggravating to me, but I didn’t say anything.
I wanted my space from him, but I knew that I probably wouldn’t fair well out here by myself.
I was hungry and dehydrated. I knew that Johnathan knew the way to the station and so, I didn’t want to separate from him, even though it was difficult to even breathe the same air.
My thoughts wandered in a million different directions as I continued to stomp along. Most of the time, I contemplated why I insisted on allowing him to hurt me like he did on such a consistent basis.
Even though I had claimed to understand, and despite the fact that I was able to list the reasons why I understood, I couldn’t truly contemplate his actions.
He’s unhinged…Completely unstable. You have fallen in love with a damn psychopath. I thought but was started by the revelation that had only hit me now. It made sense, as to why I was so forgiving and so stupid. It explained all my actions and all my feelings; I was in love with him.
Yet, he drove me absolutely crazy. We argued more than we had a decent conversation but, in those times, when he wasn’t being the Johnathan that I wanted to smack, he was a man that I truly wanted
. His idiosyncrasies didn’t matter to me. I was willing to work with him, to help him.
I wanted to show him what he was capable, because for some reason, I could see it, even if he couldn’t. I knew that he was able to have a great life and I knew that once he realized that, I would be able to be part of that life.
I had never known anyone, quite like I had recently got to know Johnathan. While he was rough around the edges and kind of a pain in the ass, with all his wishy-washy tendencies, I still felt a connection to him that was deep and lasting.
I knew that if he walked away from me, if he truly didn’t want me in his life, because he allowed his past to consume him, without even giving me a chance, it would destroy me.
From the moment I met him, I had connected with Johnathan and I wasn’t ready to give any of that up. I still wanted him and for as hurt as I was, I somehow knew that what he said, wasn’t how he felt. I knew that he felt similarly to the way I did, but he was still imprisoned by his past.
Fortunately for me, that was one realization I didn’t have to fake. I knew that his past was the reason he claimed he didn’t want to have anything to do with me, after I went back home. I knew that he couldn’t bring himself to risk being hurt again and I also knew that his feelings had nothing to do with me.
I knew that this wasn’t my fault.
While I felt bad for him, I didn’t harbor any guilt. I hadn’t done anything wrong. In fact, I had done everything I possibly could to get him to understand that I was trying to help him.
I was angry with him for not understanding, but I couldn’t say that I was surprised. I realized that after a traumatic experience, where your whole world is shaken to its core, it takes a long time to get any confidence back.
Johnathan was still barely holding it all together and I knew that he thought, if I betrayed him, his whole world would be in complete disarray. This time, he wouldn’t be able to even begin to pick up the pieces.
Yet, for as much as I understood that, I also had a sense of pride as well. While I understood him not wanting to trust anyone else, I couldn’t understand how there wasn’t anything I could do to get him to trust me.
I knew I wasn’t going to betray his trust, no matter what happened to us. Yet, I needed Johnathan to believe it and he wasn’t giving me any opportunities to prove anything to him.
“Are you okay?” I finally heard him call from behind me.
“Yes,” I answered succinctly as my heart burned.
“Do you need to stop and rest?”
“No,” I insisted, “Apparently, the sooner we get there, the better.”
“Yeah, but we’re making good time. I would be okay with stopping for a while.”
“Why stop? To me, that sounds like more of a reason to keep going.”
“Oh…Okay. If you’re sure,” he answered, but I didn’t reply.
I simply forged ahead, without looking back.
Partially, I didn’t want to stop because I did want to get to our destination. When we made it to the station, I would be able to rest, without having a long journey still ahead. It would be then that I could finally, truly relax. However, my urgency was partly because I knew if we stopped, everything I was thinking would come spilling out and I wasn’t sure I was ready for that.
Before we parted ways, I hoped to be able to get my point across to him, but I wasn’t ready yet. I was still angry, and this wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have while angry.
Again, we trudged along in silence, with Jake looking between us as we walked, obviously wondering, yet again, what was going on with us.
He must think we’re bipolar or something; making love one minute and giving one another the silent treatment the next.
This thought caused me to contemplate what it would be like if we lived together. Would we fight constantly, or would we be happier more than we would be miserable?
I assumed that we would probably find a balance, since we wouldn’t be constantly fighting to survive and if we were living together, Johnathan would’ve made his choice.
Considering what he told me about his ex-fiancée, I found it unlikely that he would be so indecisive one he finally took the plunge into a relationship with me.
The only thing we argue about is the fact that he doesn’t trust me and won’t give me a chance. If he was willing to try, things would surely be different. I decided, but a terrible thrust of anxiety hit my stomach as I realized that we probably would never know.
“We’re almost there,” he insisted eventually; his words dragging me out of my thoughts and back to a reality that I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a part of.
“Good,” I responded coldly, continuing in the direction of the ranger’s station.
“Yeah, I thought so,” he insisted, and I looked back to see him grinning. His eyes were trained on me and in a strange way, I thought he might be regretting not talking to me.
Wishful thinking, I insisted to myself, though I contemplated starting a conversation with him, simply to see where it would go.
I knew that once we were at the station, there would be nothing more to say to him, with the way things were, than goodbye.
I didn’t want to say goodbye to him, and I thought that if I let him go now, I might never get the chance to speak to him again.
So, I turned around, in a desperate display, for the first time, showing him that I was crying and insisted, “Johnathan, I don’t want to say goodbye to you.”
He stopped short, staring at my face, before his eyes dropped down to the ground. His expression remained stoic, but his jaw tightened, and he drew in a deep breath. I waited for him to release it, hoping that he would speak, but when nothing came after the long, slow exhale, I decided to continue.
“Listen to me, please,” I insisted, watching his head turn up to me. He blinked, but didn’t move, so I took this as my cue to continue, “I want you in my life, Johnathan. I think that we have a connection and I don’t want to lose you. Last night, something happened, and you opened up to me. That gave me such a sense of accomplishment…”
“Why? Because you finally broke me down?” He snapped, but I didn’t allow him to commandeer this conversation.
“No, because I felt that you had started to trust me. I felt that I had helped you and that was something I had tried to do since I met you and realized that you needed help.”
“You can’t fix me,” he hissed.
“I’m not trying to fix you. I don’t think you’re broken. I think you need support and you need to have a reason to trust people again…That’s it.”
“Oh, quick fix,” he said with a snap of his fingers, “Just like that, you’ve solved all of my problems.”
“Shut up, Johnathan!” I screamed, this time growing angry, knowing that he was simply trying to push me away. “Listen to me, for once. Get it through your head that I am not Sarah and I never will be her. She was a bitch and your so-called friends were a bunch of assholes. Unfortunately, you seemed to attract some pretty shitty people in your life, and I’m sorry for that, but I refuse to be lumped in with them. I’m not perfect, by any means, but I have your best intentions in mind. I didn’t mean to fall in love with you, but I did and now, the thought of you leaving me behind at the ranger’s station, the idea that I am going to have to watch you walk away, shatters me.”
My outburst had brought an even more pronounced round of tears that I had tried to bridle but failed. However, at least he was listening to me.
When I stopped to breathe, however, Johnathan didn’t move. He didn’t try to comfort me, but he also didn’t argue with me.
I wasn’t sure what that was supposed to mean, but I felt that I was on a roll and I wasn’t about to stop, simply because I wasn’t sure how he was going to react.
“I’m sure you don’t know this, and you might not even believe me, but I really don’t care. I’m going to tell you anyway. I spent the time before I had fallen asleep planning how I would be able to help you get your life back togeth
er. I was excited for our journey together. I was going to see if you wanted to stay with me, not move in, like as a relationship, but just so you would have a normal roof over your head, so you could find a job. I was going to pull in some favors for you with people I know around my apartment and I was excited to be able to help you. I had every intention of helping you. Now, I know I can’t guarantee that it will be forever, but no one can guarantee that. No one can ever guarantee anything and if they tell you they can, they’re lying.” I stopped and sighed, sniffling back the now free-flowing tears, and running my sleeve across my shirt. “All I want is a chance to help you and there isn’t a way I can do that while one or both of us are stuck up here on this mountain.” I stepped toward him now, hoping that I was talking him into giving it a shot. I couldn’t tell from his expression, so I continued, “Please, Johnathan, tell me you can trust me enough to give me a chance.”
I stood there, hoping for a positive reaction, for what seemed like a lifetime. I could see that he wanted to react, but he stopped himself multiple times. However, I stayed vigilant. I kept my gaze trained on him, showing my steadfast commitment to helping him, hoping this would persuade him.
Yet, eventually, he turned away, unable to even look me in the eyes.
“I can’t do it,” he grumbled, “I’m sorry.” Turning back to me, I could tell that this was difficult for him too, but at that point, I was so angry, I didn’t care. “I’ll go to the station, with you, and help you get acclimated but then, I’m going home…and so are you. It’s better that way,” he insisted, but by now, I couldn’t even pretend to be understanding toward him.