Saving Her

by Mia Ford

  She tucks her hands under my armpits and pulls me into a standing position. It’s hard because my body is resistant, but eventually we manage it. She gets me standing and calls a cab, all the while my body and my mind is a hot mess. I ache everywhere, bolts of agony shoot right through me, my mind is full of confusing thoughts.

  The main one I think is I cannot do this alone.

  “Jenny, I need him,” I tell her weakly. “I need him.”

  “Him?” She guides me towards the door. “Him who?”

  “Ben.” I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help myself. I want him by my side, I don’t want to be the one to blame for him missing the birth of his twins. If he doesn’t come, that’s his own choice. But it cannot be my fault. “I know what I said before, but I think he needs to be here.”

  “Let’s get you into the cab first, then I’ll call.”

  Things move in a blur, I don’t even know what’s happening. I sort of remember climbing into a cab, and I vaguely remember listening to Jenny on the call to Ben, but I don’t recall anything that was said, and I also remember arriving at the hospital but I don’t recall coming into a room or putting on a hospital gown.

  “Did you dress me, Jenny?” I ask once the contractions stop for just a moment. “I didn’t put this on, did I?”

  “I helped,” she admits. “But I didn’t do it. To be honest after witnessing this I don’t want to do any of it. You’ve really put me off having children ever. I don’t think I’ll have sex ever again.”

  “Yeah, me neither.” My fingers grip to the edge of the bed as I rock back and forth on my feet. They keep telling me to get into the bed but I know that I can’t. The agony is too damn much. “Fucking hell, this hurts...”

  “I’m sorry.” Holy fuck, is that Ben’s chocolaty voice? I spin to look at him with wide, shocked eyes. “That’s my fault.”

  Jenny waits for a moment, flickering her eyes between us two, then she stands up to make a move. “I think I’ll leave you two alone. I’m sure you have a lot to talk about.”

  Yeah, about seven months worth of stuff, but I honestly don’t think any of that will come out now. I can’t even think straight, never mind speak. This pain... it might just freaking kill me. And if it does, the first thing I’ll do is murder Ben for doing this to me.

  What an asshole.

  “Can I come in?” he asks sheepishly. “Is it okay for me to be here?”

  “Argh,” I grown in sheer agony. “Yes, it’s fine, whatever. Just get over here and rub my back already. I need you.”

  Chapter Twenty Five – Ben

  She needs me, that’s all I’ve wanted to hear ever since I first started getting my act together. She needs me. Serena is letting me in at the most crucial part of our babies lives. That has to mean something, even if it isn’t forgiveness.

  “What do you need?” I ask, all business. “Whatever you need, I’m here for you.”

  “I don’t know,” she whimpers while leaning over the bed. “I don’t know it just hurts all over. Like, literally everywhere. I’ve never felt anything like it before.”

  “Okay, okay. Do you need a nurse?” I can already feel myself starting to panic. I promised myself that I wouldn’t, but already I’m a fucking mess. “What do we need?”

  She grips onto my hands so tight that I fear she might crack my fingers in half and she screams. The sounds rips from her very soul and shreds the room to pieces. It’s absolutely terrifying. “I don’t know, I just need you to help me.”

  As she collapses into my arms, all weak and covered in sweat, I feel like I’m exactly where I’m meant to be. This is where I should have been all along, with Serena, helping her through this. I can’t believe I allowed my fear of my business failing, despite the fact that it’s really far away from that, allow me to push the most important person in my life away from me. I’m an idiot, I deserve to lose it all. I’m just glad it hasn’t worked out like this. If Serena gives me another try right now I’m going to throw my heart and soul into it and never fuck up again.

  “I’m really sorry, Serena,” I say in a rush of emotion. “I know I’ve been a bad person, and I know that I’ve never deserved you, and honestly...”

  “Shut up, Ben,” she snaps back through gritted teeth. “Now really isn’t the time.”

  She’s right, I know she’s right. How could I ever think about bringing this up right now? What an idiot. I’ve just told myself that I wouldn’t screw up again and right off the bat I have.

  “Sorry, Serena, honestly I don’t know...”

  “Stop saying sorry. Go and get a nurse. I definitely need a nurse now. Or a doctor, or someone.”

  Practical help, now that’s something I can definitely do. “Right, yes, I’ll go right now.”

  I push open the door and tear off down the hallway at a million miles an hour. I think I might even rush past Jenny at some point but I’m not sure because I’m not really looking. My heart thunders painfully in my chest, I can hear it beating in my ears, and there’s a tight knot of anxiety that’s bundled up in my stomach. A cold snake glides through my organs, making me shiver sporadically every so often.

  Thank God I’ve sorted myself out for this moment, thank goodness Mom told me the truth about Dad and she made me see sense about the way that my life was going. Serena and the twins deserve so much more than the person I was before. I’m just so glad that I’m not a mess anymore. Not the drunken, sodden idiot that I was not so long ago.

  “Nurse!” I cry out as soon as I spot someone. “I need help. My...” I can’t say girlfriend, she isn’t really any girlfriend of mine at the moment. “The mother of my children is struggling. We need help.”

  The nurse nods and agrees to come with me, and while I wait a moment for her to finish what she’s doing, I pull out my cell phone and I fire off a text to my mom. After all the hell that she’s put herself through in the last few months just to get me back on track, she deserves to know that I’m at the hospital and that my babies are being born. Finally I might have something to make her proud of me.

  ‘Mom, Serena finally called me back, she’s in labour, I’m at the hospital now. I’ll send you a picture once they are born.’

  Then I glance upwards and I smile at the universe. It’s time, I’m finally about to become a father. I didn’t even know this was a dream of mine, but now that it’s about to come true I’m so damn excited...

  ***

  “I cannot believe these babies belong to us,” I say again to Serena as another burst of intense love washes over me. It’s a boundless, endless love that I didn’t know I was even capable of. “These babies. We made them.”

  “I made them,” Serena says with a giggle. “You didn’t really do anything to be honest.”

  “Yeah, I guess you’re right about that one.” I glance over to her and smile brightly as I drink her blissful, peaceful face in. She’s been through a very hard labour, it was longer and more difficult on her body than I ever thought it could be, but she was extremely brave throughout. I am so proud of her. “I didn’t do anything, but I’m so grateful to you for everything that you’ve done.”

  I want to reach down and hold her hand, but I have my baby boy in my arms, and Serena has hold of our brand new baby girl. Oddly enough, right now, my daughter looks like me and my son looks like Serena. It’s lovely, they’re an adorable mix of both of us.

  “I’m glad that you’re here now,” she replies thickly. “I know it hasn’t been an easy few months but I’m glad you’ve come.”

  “Oh my God, I’m so grateful that you’ve called. After everything I did I didn’t deserve that phone call, but I’m glad...”

  “Is it true that you’ve been cleaning yourself up? And that you’ve spoken to Tia about it?”

  My heart sinks, my hanging out with Tia just to get a little bit of closeness to Serena, despite the fact that the girls don’t really hang out anymore, is supposed to be a secret. I told her not to tell anyone that she was sort of my therapist
for a while, but it seems that nothing can be sacred.

  “Oh right, yeah. I suppose so. I just...” I shrug. “I don’t know, it hasn’t been easy without you.”

  She gives me a smile and glances at the gorgeous bundle of joy in my arms. “So, what are we going to call them? We need to have names?”

  “Have you not spent the last few months thinking of names? I assumed you’d already have something picked out.” After everything that I’ve done, I know I don’t have any rights to get to name the babies. I’d like to, but it doesn’t mean I get to.

  “No. I never found out what I was having.” Serena snuggles her nose against my little girl. “I wanted it to be a surprise. I guess I never thought I would be having one of each.”

  “So what do you like?”

  “Brandon,” she suggests. “Do you like that?”

  I glance down at my boy and immediately see that the name fits. “I love it,” I tell her. “It suits him so much. Brandon. Awesome.” I look over at my daughter. “And what about Rose, for her?”

  As Serena’s face breaks into a smile I can see that I’ve hit the nail on the head. She loves Rose for our little girl just as much as I do. Brandon and Rose, our little twins, the future of me and Serena.

  “So... erm, what are you going to do now? I don’t know if I have much right to ask, but I do need to know all the same. “Like, when you get out the hospital, I mean? Do you have somewhere to live?”

  “I do...” She nods slowly. “But it’s with Jenny. I don’t know how keen she is to have two babies living with us to be honest. She hasn’t said anything, but I don’t think I’d much like it if I were her. Now that she’s a dancer, she’s out all hours too, so it probably won’t work... maybe I should have thought about this before the birth, huh?”

  My heart soars, I feel my spirits lift high. I know I’m about to overstep the boundary before I even say it but I can’t speak. Somehow, I can’t seem to stop myself. “You know you could still move in with me?” The words sound strained, Serena is bound to hear the pressure that I’m putting on myself. “You’re room is still there, exactly as you left it. There’s plenty of room for the twins...”

  “But I don’t think that’s a good idea, do you?” Serena cocks her head at me. “It didn’t exactly work out last time, did it?”

  “No it didn’t, but that’s because of me. I was an idiot, I was foolish, I got scared about us being too close to one another too quickly... I freaked and I push people away, that’s what I do. It’s what I’ve always done.” My heart melts and my tone softens as I look at Serena. “The only difference is you’re the only person I miss. You’re the only person that I think about every single day.”

  “You do?”

  “I’ve texted you, every single day, haven’t I? I’ve proved to you that I’ve been thinking about you, haven’t I? I know that I’ve been foolish, I know I’ve acted badly, but I won’t anymore. You just have to give me a chance. To be with you, to be a father, to prove that I’m worthy?”

  She pauses for a moment and thinks it through, I can almost see the cogs ticking in her brain. I bite down on my lip as I try my hardest to keep my persuasive words inside. All I want to do is outpour all my feelings to her but I know after everything she’s just been through that will overwhelm her. I need to just keep my feelings inside and let her work it out for herself. It might kill me, but I have to do it. I just need to keep reminding me that it’s the right thing to do.

  “You really want to try?” she asks me curiously. “You really want to go through all of this again? With me, and the babies, and all the nightmare that’s going to come with that?”

  The thought of it crushes me, but in a really good way. I want all of that so much, I want her, the commitment, the babies, the fatherhood. I want it more than anything in the world. “Yes, please, it would mean so much to me if you would just give me a try. I honestly couldn’t want anything more.”

  She parts her lips, ready to give me her answer and I tense up while I wait for it. But unfortunately before she gets her answer out, before I find out whether or not she’s going to agree to my plan, the door swings open and my heart sinks. Jenny is back, she’s here to interrupt before I get my answer. I don’t blame Jenny, she deserves to see my babies too, but her timing is terrible.

  “Hey, Ben, it’s me.”

  Oh, it isn’t Jenny, it’s someone really shocking, someone that maybe I should have suspected would turn up after my message earlier. It might not be the best way for this to happen, but it’s here now, it’s upon us. It might have been forced upon us, but it’s here all the same. Best to just accept it.

  I turn my head just to see her eyes shining, her face ecstatic and all of a sudden it feels perfectly right that she’s here. After all this moment wouldn’t happen without her. If Mom hadn’t kicked my ass, I would be in a gutter somewhere. Probably drunk and damn near death,

  “Mom... you’re here. This is Serena, Serena, this is Mom.”

  Chapter Twenty Six – Serena

  “This... this is your Mom?” I sit up straighter in the bed, or as much as I can manage with my baby in my arms. “Here? Now?” I don’t want to be rude, but this is a massive shock.

  “I’m sorry, I know you probably don’t want me here right now, but you have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for this moment. I want to meet my grand children, is that okay?”

  I glance at Ben who’s got a bright smile on his face. I guess this is his mother. “Do you want to hold little Rose here?” I ask while extending my arms to her. “I could use a little moment to collect myself anyway.”

  “My name is Iris, by the way.” She takes Rose from me and hugs her to her chest, breathing in my daughter’s youthful smell. “It’s lovely to meet you, Serena. I’m sorry it’s taken so long. I kept asking Ben to introduce us so I could help you through the pregnancy but he wouldn’t. He kept saying that you both were fallen out, his fault I assume.”

  I can’t help but laugh at her, she’s a wonderful woman. Already she seems so caring, so trusting, so loving of her son. I can already see that she would do anything for him, even if she didn’t like his actions... nothing like my judgemental parents. They were sickened by my choices, they hated every moment of me being there as a disappointment. It wouldn’t surprise me if they never came to see my babies.

  But my baby brother has been my rock.

  “Do you two mind standing close together so I can get a picture for my brother? He really wants to see the babies?”

  They do as I ask and I grab my phone. Once the picture is taken I caption it with who it is and send it off to him. Moments later I get a reply.

  ‘Yay! So the asshole finally came to his senses and he’s there. His Mom looks nice too. I’ll come up and visit soon, I promise. Love you, E xxx’

  I smile at his words, glad to finally have some good news for him. It’s been difficult up until now and he knows that much well. Now he can see that finally things are coming together and that maybe things might work out between me and Ben. And not just for the babies, but for me and Ben too.

  ‘I love you, Ethan. Thank you xxx’

  “So Rose and Brandon, they are both such lovely names. How did you come up with them?”

  “We did it together.” I smile at Ben, feeling all the emotions washing over me again. “I chose Brandon and Ben chose Rose.”

  Iris looks between us as if she’s trying to work out what’s going on between us now, which is something I’m currently trying to figure out myself. Ben is offering me everything, the whole world, again it feels like I’m on a movie set and that my fairy tale is finally coming true, but if I do this, I need to do so in a much more cautious way. I need to be smart, wise, this isn’t just about me anymore. I have two children that are depending on me for everything.

  “Well, I just have to say that I’m very glad to see you both in the same room again. I’m sure it’s been a very long time.” Iris looks at me gratefully. “I know it must have taken a
lot for you to call Ben when you went into labour after everything that you’ve been through, so it’s very nice that you did this.”

  “Was it you who text me once?” I feel compelled to ask. “If so then I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ignore you, I just...”

  “I know, you needed time.”

  “Wait.” Ben spins his gaze between us both. “Wait a minute, you text Serena?”

  “From your cell phone, yes, in a moment of desperation.” Iris looks like she actually feels guilty which is silly. “I could see how hard you were working to improve yourself and I just wanted to help... I can see now that I didn’t, but I had to try.”

  Rose starts fussing in Iris’s arms, which tugs at my heart strings. “I think she might need feeding,” I insist with my arms held out to grab her again. “Do you mind?”

  “Oh no, I want a hug with Brandon too. Do you mind if I walk him up and down the hallways a bit? I know babies like the lights on the ceiling.”

  “Of course not. That will be lovely.” Me and Ben need a moment together anyway if we’re going to decide what to do next. He asked me a question that I never got to answer and I really think it’s time that I do so. “Thank you.”

  I struggle for a moment to get Rose latched on, but soon enough she just about manages it. I watch her suck for a while with happy tears shining in my eyes, before I look up to address Ben once more.