He cleared his throat again, his face turning a deeper shade of red. Tears stood in his eyes. “We can choose to blame God when things go bad or we can choose to praise Him, and trust that He loves us, even through the hard stuff. Through the things we just don’t understand. Even when we’re not all that sure He exists. Oh, I don’t have all the answers and I don’t pretend to. Not anymore. What I do know is this: My God loves me.” He thumped his chest and gave a hoarse chuckle. “No matter what.” Mac’s eyes came to rest on Claire. She held his gaze, but her jaw trembled.
He was talking to her.
And it was entirely possible, perhaps even probable, that God was talking to her too.
She stood on the edge of a precipice, not knowing whether to jump or step back and return to the safety of solid ground. Every word reached down into her soul and soothed her, pouring a healing balm on raw skin.
Claire wasn’t sure what Mac said after that. She lowered her head and allowed her tears to fall. The only thing she was aware of was Rick’s gentle hand on her shoulder.
“It’s going to be all right Claire.” He leaned in and whispered in her ear. “Just let it out.”
Agonizing sobs ripped through her as every awful memory of the past year of her life flooded back.
Her mother dying.
The last miscarriage, sirens screaming through the night.
James’ awful silence afterward.
Every harsh word they’d said to one another and all the things they hadn’t said.
She heard Jessie on the other side of her, and then Mac. Claire allowed the pain to surface. There was so much of it and she’d been fighting it, holding it at bay for far too long.
It was time to let go.
“God, please…help me.” She barely recognized her own voice.
Eventually she raised her head and wiped her eyes. Only Mac, Jessie and Rick remained, all the others gone. A peace and a sweet blessed release she could not explain filled her soul. Claire smiled and basked in the luxury of it. Slowly she met Jessie’s eyes and unspoken words passed between them.
Claire reached for Jessie’s hand and squeezed it tight.
Jessie smiled and placed her other hand on Claire’s cheek. “Let’s walk back. We’ll get some lunch. Then later, we’ll talk.”
~
Claire sat with Mac and Jessie on the back porch. Rick took off after lunch saying he had work to do at home. Jackson was down for his nap. Claire had read him a story and eventually his little eyes closed and he fell asleep. They planned to take him to see Darcie later.
Claire fiddled with the beaded bracelets on her arm that Darcie made for her. Nobody said anything for a while. Claire half hoped one of them would speak first, tell her they knew she was their long-lost granddaughter. But it didn’t happen. Eventually she looked over at Jessie, suddenly nervous.
“I have something I need to tell you.” Claire forced herself to look at them. Her voice came out soft and shaky and feared she might break down again. Jessie and Mac exchanged a worried look, but still didn’t speak.
She pulled at the gold chain around her neck, found her courage and went on. “You know I went down to Connecticut for my birthday, the day Darcie was taken to hospital. I had an interesting conversation with my father. We talked about my adoption.” She clenched her fingers around the sides of the rocker she sat in and told them everything.
“My dad only wrote down the last name, but he memorized my birth mother’s given name as well. It was Michelle. Michelle Kelly.”
The afternoon sun bled through the thick pines around the lake. Squirrels chattered and birds chirped, but all Claire heard was the thumping of her heart. She settled her gaze on Jessie and waited.
The silence was broken every now and then by the birds. Tears slipped down Jessie’s cheeks. Mac patted her arm every now and then, his forehead creased as he glanced from her to Claire. Then Jessie stood abruptly and went into the house.
Claire stared at Mac, worry wrapping around her and squeezing tight. “Where is she going?”
“Don’t know.” He was quiet, thoughtful looking, studying Claire as though seeing her for the first time.
Jessie hurried back out onto the porch, her eyes lit with sure excitement. She held out a silver-framed portrait and placed it in Claire’s hands.
Claire stared at the image and sucked in her breath. “Is this your daughter? Michelle?”
Jessie nodded, her eyes shimmering. Further explanation wasn’t needed. The face in the picture was almost identical to Claire’s.
Jessie held Claire’s chin between her thumb and forefinger and shook her head. “I knew who you were the minute I laid eyes on you. Oh, he didn’t believe me,” she shot her husband a grin, “but I knew. I’ve prayed for you every day, my dear. Prayed that one day God would bring you back to us. And He has.”
Tears blurred her vision, but Claire managed to get to her feet. Jessie enfolded her in a tight hug and held her as they both cried.
“I’m so happy,” Claire breathed out, staring at Jessie in delight. Her grandmother’s smile was wide, but all she could do was nod.
“You think I might get one of those?” Mac asked gruffly as he ambled over to them, wiping his eyes. “Welcome home, honey.”
Claire laughed and threw her arms around the big man. “I can’t believe you’re my grandparents.” They took their seats again and Claire examined the photograph she still held. Michelle at her high-school graduation, beaming, her eyes filled with the promise of the future. “She’s beautiful.”
“You look just like her.” Jessie reached for Claire’s hand and squeezed it. “Are you all right?”
“I think so.” Claire sniffed and brushed the tears off her cheeks. “So you knew about me? I always wondered what happened. Why I was given up for adoption.”
Mac cleared his throat and sat forward, his eyes connecting with Jessie’s for a moment. “We knew Shelly was pregnant with you. It’s a long story, and some of it’s not ours to tell.”
Jessie nodded. “We hope you’ll understand, Claire. Until Shelly comes around…”
“Comes around?” Trepidation needled her and Claire narrowed her eyes. “Have you spoken to her?”
Jessie looked away for a moment. She gave her head a shake, her mouth drawn. “I had my suspicions about you, like I said. But we…things were such a mess when Shelly came home from college and told us she was pregnant. She was beside herself, and we were furious. She ended up leaving…and I…we never knew what happened. Until the day you drove up here and knocked over that silly swan.” Jessie chuckled, winding her hands together. “After I got to know you better and you told me you were adopted, I called Shelly. Asked her if…where she’d had you. She told me Hartford.”
Claire sat very still. So her birth mother, Michelle, knew that in all likelihood, the daughter she bore was here in Bethel, staying with her parents.
And she had stayed away.
“She doesn’t want to know me, does she?”
“She doesn’t know what she wants,” Mac interjected quickly. “Never did.”
Claire looked to Jessie for verification, all hope fading. “I’m right, aren’t I? She doesn’t want anything to do with me.”
Jessie gave her an agonized look and shrugged. “Maybe in time, Claire. After all these years, it’s a shock. I’m sure she never expected that you’d look for her.”
“And she never wanted me to. She never looked for me, did she?”
“We don’t know.” Jessie massaged her temples, anguish stamped on her face. “Claire you have to understand…this tore us apart. We don’t have a real relationship with her anymore. We never talked about the baby. Ever.”
Claire’s mind whirled in a frenzied muddle of desperate hope and reluctant acceptance. “Should I contact her? Call or write to her? Tell her who I am? Ask her if…”
“I don’t think that’s such a good idea right now.” Jessie’s soft eyes clouded over, her sorrow speaking more than words. “
And we’re going to have to ask you not to say anything to Darcie.”
Claire leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes. “But she…we’re…sisters.” Thick cords of bondage wound around her, choked her and reminded her once again that her life was not her own.
Decisions made before her birth still ruled beyond reason.
“Darcie doesn’t know Michelle had a child before her, does she?” Claire knew the answer but asked anyway. “Nobody knows. That’s what you’re telling me? That all these years I’ve been this big secret, right? My birth mother gave me up and went on with her life, pretending it never happened. And I’m supposed to just accept that?”
“Claire…”
“No, Jessie!” Claire shook off the woman’s hand and got to her feet. “You don’t know what it’s like. To not know why your own mother didn’t want you. I don’t want to be somebody’s carefully buried secret. Do you understand that? I want the truth. I want to know what happened. All of it!”
“Sweetheart, listen.” Jessie went to her and clasped her arms. “If we could tell you all of it, we would. But we can’t right now. Let me try to talk to Shelly again. Please, just be patient a little while longer.”
“I guess I don’t have a choice.” Claire tried to pull herself together, anger simmering.
“That’s right.” Jessie drew her into another hug. “We just have to wait it out. We have to trust God in this. God doesn’t ever start anything He doesn’t intend to finish. But I’m very glad you’re here, Claire Ferguson. My granddaughter.”
Claire’s crumpled in Jessie’s arms and let the older woman comfort her even as anguished thoughts tore at her soul.
~
Rain pelted the roof as Claire and Jackson ate spaghetti and meatballs in front of the television. Mac and Jessie were back at the hospital with Darcie. They’d taken Jackson for a brief visit earlier. Darcie’s fever was up and she wasn’t having a good day.
Claire picked at her food. She wasn’t hungry but she tried to finish it. She couldn’t very well scold Jackson for not eating if she wasn’t going to. Somehow she managed to pretend everything was okay and kept smiling for him. Inside her heart was screaming.
Jackson fell asleep at last and Claire paced the living room. She couldn’t focus on the television, didn’t want to read. All she could do was stare at the photograph of Michelle. Jessie told her she could keep it, said she had plenty more, even though Claire had never seen a single one.
So many unanswered questions.
Claire shuddered as a bolt of lightening ripped across the sky. She’d tried calling Rick, but he wasn’t answering his phone. She wasn’t sure what, if anything, he knew of this story, but she needed to talk to someone. Melanie’s line was busy. She’d even dialed James’ cell but hung up. She didn’t want to worry him.
When the phone rang out, she jumped. It sat on the desk in the far corner of the room. Claire knew Jessie didn’t have an answering machine on their private line, so she walked toward it. She hesitated a minute longer, then picked up the receiver.
“Hello? Kelly residence.”
Silence. Claire frowned. Thunder rolled and another gust of wind sent rain pelting against the window. Maybe the line was dead. “Hello? Is anyone there?”
“I’m calling for Jessie,” a woman’s voice said at last. “Who is this?”
“Claire Ferguson. Jessie isn’t here right now. Can I take a message?” It was probably one of their church friends. Claire sat in Mac’s old leather chair and reached for a pen a paper.
The line crackled and for a moment Claire thought the caller had hung up. Then she heard her swear softly. Claire raised an eyebrow. Definitely not one of Jessie’s church friends.
“I can take a message if you like. They’re at the hospital.” Claire tried again, watching rain streak the window in long slashes.
“Darcie’s still in the hospital?”
“Yes. Her fever spiked again.” Another colorful word carried down the line. Claire sat straighter, suddenly realizing what was going on. “Is this Michelle?”
“Yes, it is.”
An interminable silence threatened Claire’s composure. She tried to still her pounding heart but it would not obey.
What did one say to the person who gave them life?
Darcie. Focus on Darcie. This was her mother. She drew in a breath and went on before she lost her voice altogether. “The…um…doctors have started her on medication, but they say she could be up and down for a while. And they’re running more tests to check for liver damage.”
“Liver damage? What is she, an alcoholic now?”
“Darcie has Hepatitis B. They say she could be fine, but there could also be complications. Mac and Jessie…said you might call. They asked me to tell you what’s going on. They thought…they thought you might want to come.”
“It’s that serious?” She swore again then fell into silence. “You’re the person my mother told me about, aren’t you? The one who’s staying there?” Michelle’s tone softened and brought unwanted tears to Claire’s eyes.
“Yes. I’m watching Jackson for them. Well, he’s asleep but…”
“So it’s true then? You think I’m your birth mother?”
Claire blew air through pursed lips and tried to summon rational thought. “The facts line up. And there appear to be physical similarities.”
“When were you born?”
“July sixth, nineteen eighty-one.”
“Where?”
“My papers say Hartford Hospital.”
The pause that followed gave Claire time to catch her breath. Time to think of a thousand things to say but she lacked courage to speak them. The silence dragged on and again she thought Michelle had hung up.
“Why did you want to find me?” She finally spoke. “Does the fact that I gave you up not tell you all you need to know?”
Claire recoiled at the cold, clipped words and shrank back in her chair. “No. Not really. I wanted to know who you were. Where I came from. I wanted…I want to know why you gave me up.”
“Because you were a mistake! Does that answer your question? I was a stupid college kid who didn’t know any better. That’s all there is to it. You had a good life, didn’t you? I was told your parents were very wealthy.”
“I had a good life, yes,” Claire replied, almost whispering. “My parents loved me very much. But I always wondered.”
“So you figure you have a right to mess with my life just to satisfy your curiosity, is that it?”
“No. I…I’m sorry. I didn’t think about it like that. I thought you…I thought you might…”
“Well, you thought wrong. If I wanted you in my life I would have looked for you. I didn’t. I kept my end of the bargain.”
Claire gripped the receiver and fought the urge to hurl it against the wall. Her throat thickened. She couldn’t speak. Couldn’t even move. A pain mirroring the one she’d just fought so hard to overcome burrowed deep into her soul once more.
“I’ll tell Jessie you called.” She slammed the phone down and buried her face in her hands. She wanted to sob but emotions remained out of reach, leaving her numb with disbelief.
Claire made her way upstairs to check on Jackson. He slept soundly and she went back downstairs. Her mind replayed every word of the terrible conversation and her stomach rolled like she’d just come off a roller coaster. Claire leaned against the counter in the kitchen and watched Chance lap from the large water bowl in the kitchen.
Angry tears finally came and she made no effort to wipe them away.
Slowly she walked across the room to where the telephone hung on the wall. She dialed the number and waited as it rang. After a while the answering machine clicked on and she heard her own voice. “Hi. You’ve reached Claire and James. We can’t take your call right now…”
Claire closed her eyes against another onslaught of grief. The machine beeped and she let go a ragged sigh. “Hi, Jamie…it’s me. Claire. Well, duh. I…” She sank against t
he wall and slid to the cold tiles beneath her. Chance bounded over and put his paws on her chest. His pink tongue licked at her tears. “I was just calling to…say...” Her voice cracked and she pressed the off switch and let the phone sit in her lap. Then she picked it up again and dialed Melanie’s number. It rang twice before Melanie answered.
“Hey, Mel. It’s me.”
“Claire! I’m so glad you called. You’ve been on my mind constantly the past few days. I tried calling you but your cell wasn’t working. Are you okay?”
Fresh tears sprang to her eyes at the sound of her friend’s voice.
“Claire? Are you there?”
“I’m here.” Claire fumbled for a tissue and wiped her nose. Chance found a ball and dropped it in her lap. She rolled it across the floor and the pup chased after it with an excited bark. Tremors overtook her again and Claire held the phone with both hands as she tried to speak. “But I’m not okay.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Claire drove back from town chugging coffee. She hadn’t slept all night, only tossed and turned, Michelle’s hateful words echoing in her mind. Part of her wanted to call the woman back and tell her exactly what she thought of her. Another part of her just wanted to crawl into a dark hole and never come out. It was that part she listened to as she made her purchases that morning.
Claire parked, reached for the large brown paper bag in the backseat and locked the car. She shuffled down the path toward her cabin, casting a wary glance toward the house. No sign of Mac and Jessie. She hadn’t said much to them when they got home last night. Only managed to blurt out that Michelle had called. Jessie asked her how the conversation went but Claire could only shrug and gave some lame excuse about having a headache. They let her go without pressing.
The rain had stopped, leaving the air crisp and fresh. Normally she would have taken deep breaths, maybe even gone out for a run. But today she had other plans.
“Hey, Claire.” Rick sat on the steps of her cabin, tapping his boots on the gravel as she approached.
Hidden in the Heart Page 19