The Upside of Letting Go

by Nacole Stayton

  “Ky, if you’re going to end this, just make it short and sweet.” I turn around to look into those piercing blue eyes I once adored. Not knowing how close he actually is, breathing in, I can smell his sweet scent. I can almost touch his soft skin. Skin that I have laid next to for weeks on end, skin I would do anything to kiss and feel close to in this moment when my heart aches and feels like it’s crumbling on the inside. He jerks my body around so we’re standing mouth to mouth. My senses are in overdrive. When he opens his mouth, I want to fill the space with my tongue, but I stand there lifeless and numb to the pain he is about to inflict on me. I unknowingly start to bite the inside of my cheek, a nervous tick of mine he instantly notices.

  “Why are you nervous?” The sound of his deep voice calls to my core. It has been more than eight weeks since we last made love, and my body is in need of some tender loving care, Kyler style.

  I know there are things we need to work out and talk through, especially staring at his face that is bruised and swollen from the outburst of male testosterone at Drake’s last night. But all I want to do is make love to my boyfriend before the malicious world tries to separate everything good I once called mine. I reach up and trace the outline of his black eye. He winces under my faint touch.

  “Kyler–” his lips meet mine. Immediately our bodies are wrapped around each other’s. Our lips break for a split second to lift our shirts over our heads. I stifle a groan as Kyler’s mouth finds the sweet spot on my neck as his lips begin to open, allowing his tongue to graze across my skin. I can feel the wetness dampening my panties.

  Dr. Stevens said to wait four weeks before having intercourse again. Thank goodness we have exceeded that time frame because I don’t think I could stop it now. Kyler’s hands reach around me and pull me up by my butt cheeks. He is holding me suspended in the air as I wrap my legs tightly around him while he pushes me up against the wall, fiddling with the buckle on his jeans. There is nothing romantic about our encounter…just pure, raw lust burning in our blood. I’m surprised I can stand without my knees giving out, but the adrenaline running through my veins keeps me upright as he stands me up and then bends in front of me to kiss my stomach. His lips find the soft area right below my navel as they begin to suck and bite until I’m weeping, gripping his body, urging him to give me more. He slides his hand in between my thighs that are pressed tightly together, desperately trying to maintain any composure I might have left. His hand widens as his palm glides over my core sliding my sweatpants down in one swift motion.

  He removes his jeans one leg at a time. As they fall to the floor, my eyes fixate on the prize hidden under them. God went all out when he made Kyler, but he is especially gifted in that department. I see his shaft pulsate underneath his boxers. I lick my lips as I imagine him sliding into me, eager to have my fill and some much needed relief. The look he makes when he finally pushes his head into my opening is priceless. The thought makes my body ache and increases my anticipation. When I look back up, Kyler is staring at me. His mouth is slightly opened. I can hear him breathing heavily. “This won’t be sweet Hale, as much as I want to take my time and enjoy you, I need you now,” he stresses to me before quickly lifting me back up in the air and shoving me against the wall. My mind doesn’t have time to react as his thumb pushes my violet cotton thong to one side before he starts moving his palm in a circular motion that is now hovering over my wetness.

  “Yeah,” I moan out unable to hide the pleasure his hand is bringing me. He slides his middle finger slowly into my opening. I want to bend my head backwards and scream out his name, but I can’t move because I am pinned to the bedroom wall.

  “Shit Hale, you’re always so tight and so ready for me babe,” he says in a low raspy voice. I don’t know what has gotten into him, but he is in full dominance mode today. While we have fucked in the past, we normally spend our time on a much slower pace, savoring each other. One day we stayed in bed all day sharing our deepest, darkest fantasies. It seems like he is playing out mine right now…going full-on alpha mode is a major turn on for me. The Kyler, who is making my body convulse right now, is a different Kyler than I have ever seen in the past. His need to be buried inside me has made him into a rough, bossy version of himself. He starts to ease his finger out of me as he grabs his erection and holds it in his hand. He looks so strong and sure of himself. There are no emotions on his face, and suddenly I don’t feel like the love of his life, something he has professed so many times before as we were tangled in the sheets. Right now, pinned up to the wall, I feel cheap and unloved, but the longing in my center doesn’t care about romance right now and is telling me to turn off my brain and bend in front of the man I want to feel inside of me.

  I start to extend my toes, reaching for the floor, but Kyler’s grip on me is so tight only one toe gently slides on the ground. “Put me down.” He doesn’t budge and but continues to stroke himself while staring into my eyes. “Please?” I ask under my breath before he slowly slides me down the wall. I start to bend my knees to show him how much I want him with my mouth, but he stops me by grabbing a fist full of my hair and gently pulls my head up to his face.

  “I want more than anything to feel your lips surround me Hale, but I can’t wait anymore. Lie on the bed,” he demands while motioning to my bed. I slide my panties down the rest of the way before I reach the end of my mattress and lie down. I can feel the weight shift as he climbs on the bed hovering above me.

  “Tell me what you want.”

  “You,” I whisper. As if that was the magic word, he enters me. He begins to push deeper and deeper, widening my body. The feeling of his mass inside of me is pure ecstasy. He thrusts in me a few more times before his lips find mine. He kisses my mouth briefly before moving on to my neck. All I can hear are the moans that are escaping from both of our mouths. When our eyes finally meet, his expression looks vile but is soon replaced with raw desire to be deeper in my opening.

  “Mine,” he grunts while lowering his face to my ear. He says it again while slamming into me with more force. “Mine,” he repeats in a deeper voice.

  “What?” I ask breathless.

  “You. Are. Mine. Haley.” His piercing blue eyes stare me in the face asking me to challenge him.

  “Yes, baby, I’m yours,” I muster back, confused as to why he would think otherwise.

  “All of you.” He grabs me around my side, and in one swift movement, rolls under me. I am now sitting on top of him, and he is directing my body how he wants me to move. “Say it,” he instructs through his grinding teeth as his hands keep me in rhythm.

  “I’m yours Kyler. All of me. My heart, body, and soul. You own me,” I reply while bouncing on top of him. It seems to satisfy him because he is moving me faster and faster before I can feel him start to shake and empty himself in me.

  “I love you Kyler King.” I slowly remove his body from mine and bend down to pick up a shirt from the floor. “Oh shit! Shit. Shit,” I scream frantically. “What the hell Kyler?” I jump off the bed.

  “What?” He asks innocently, unaware of why I am wigging out.

  “Where the fuck is the condom wrapper?” I ask in a hasty tone while holding my hands on my hips.

  “Fuck!” He shouts while sitting up and grabbing his head. “I was so caught up in the moment. I just wanted to feel you, be in you. I forgot.”

  “Are you fucking kidding me?” He doesn’t move or look up. I reach down and grab his shirt that is laying on the floor before forcefully yanking it over my head so I don’t feel so exposed. “Eight weeks,” I take a deep breath as my voice gets louder, “Eight weeks.” I sink to my knees on the floor, burying my face in my hands. Eight weeks, I think it myself, since our child was taken from us too soon, and now he explodes in me without a condom. Tears start to flow down my cheeks as my voice cracks, and I start to sob into my hands. I hear the bed creak as Kyler slides down on the floor beside me. He sits down and pulls me into his warm arms. “Eight weeks,” I continue to ramble.
>
  “I know babe. Trust me. I know how long it has been. I am so sorry Hale. I just wanted to be in you. I have missed you so much, and I forgot. I am so sorry,” he says while caressing his hands down my hair.

  “You forgot Kyler? What if it happens again? I won’t make it through that again,” I say, still weeping into his chest.

  “We will face whatever the future holds together Hale. I will never leave your side baby.” He plants small kisses on my temple, reminding me that he is still the same sweet, caring boy that I originally fell in love with.

  I just can’t seem to shake the thoughts of how things went down last night. “Ky?” I sit up on my elbows and ask, unsure if he is still awake.

  “Yeah babe?”

  “I love you. I hope you know how much you mean to me.” I kiss his arm that is nuzzled under my head.

  “I know, and I love you more than anything in this world.” He turns to face me. “We’re both a mess. I get that; I really do. But knowing you understand me and still care about me, that alone makes me want you by my side forever. You don’t judge me when I get in my moods or run when I do my best to push you away. You just accept me.”

  “Well said,” I giggle. “But on a serious note, we need some help. I need some help. I can’t get through the loss of the baby alone. I know I haven’t been fair to you or even there for you, and I’m sorry.”

  “Shh, let’s get some sleep for a few hours and work things out when we get up baby.” I snuggle close to his body and fall asleep in his arms.

  I wake up with an aching back and my neck wrapped in Kyler’s arms. I open my eyes and glance around the room. Lucy is still gone, and we are still lying on the floor. Kyler is wearing only his boxers. I’m still wearing his T-shirt, now stained with black eyeliner. I try to move without waking him up, but as soon as I lift up his arm, he opens his eyes. “Good morning beautiful,” he says while yawning.

  I glance over at the clock to see it is nine o’clock at night. I giggle and play along. “Good morning yourself handsome.” I cover my mouth as a common courtesy. Although we slept the day away and it’s dark outside, someone can still have morning breath.

  “Oh, stop and give me a kiss.” He pulls my hand off of my mouth. I bend down and give him a quick peck on the cheek as he pulls me back into his strong embrace and kisses my neck and then trails his mouth down towards my collarbone. Kyler has always been a fan of morning sex. Although I am still sore from last night, I let him take me without a question while lying on the floor. Knowing I deserve to give him answers about my reason for fleeing last night, I apologize with my body. This time he takes his time and slowly enters my body, after he puts on a condom he had stashed away in his wallet. The entire time he holds me and whispers in my ear the reasons why he loves me and can’t wait to spend our future together. For two people who share one incredibly screwed up past, we find ways to make each other feel complete.

  After our evening lovemaking session, we both take turns in the shower. I let Kyler go first because I know I will take longer, and he will use less hot water. When I come out of the bathroom, he is suspiciously eyeing my phone lying on the nightstand. I reach to pick it up, laughing while reading a text message from Jude.

  Yo homie where have you been? Call me a.s.a.p. b4 I send a search party to locate your fine ass!

  “Let me guess who that was from,” Kyler says in annoyance to my laughter.

  “Excuse me? Are you really going to start, already?” I ask while bending over and towel drying my hair. After a few minutes he doesn’t respond. I look up, and he is spinning my cell phone around and around on my nightstand. “Kyler, you have got to stop with all of this jealously,” I say while walking over and sitting in front of him on my bed. “Jude and I are just friends. You know our history, and that’s exactly where we left things, in the past. You know he came here to give me those stupid papers from my lawyer. Maybe at the time he wanted more, yes, but we worked through that. He is a friend. I don’t know how else to get it through that thick skull of yours,” I tap on his forehead.

  “I know babe, but it’s still hard to think you were his. My own cousin’s girlfriend growing up and I had no clue, and now he is here going to college, living in my damn frat house. Does he want everything that’s mine?”

  “You have got to be kidding me. Number one, yes I was his. We dated half of my childhood. Yes, he had me first, but he doesn’t now. I am yours completely. Number two, he and I have talked about this, and he was much more understanding than you seem to be. I will always have a special part of my heart for him and likewise, but Kyler that is where the lines are drawn. I know he felt obligated to be there for me. We have a special bond but nothing compared to the bond that you and I share. What do I have to do to prove that to you? Name it, and it’s done.” I shrug my shoulders in defeat.

  “Marry me?”

  “Oh, shut up!” I shout back in a playful tone because his jokes know no boundaries.

  “I am dead serious Haley. I love you with all of my heart. No one should have to deal with what we went through. I’m sorry I was a dick and abandoned you emotionally when you needed me most, but I didn’t know how to handle my own feelings. My family is gone too; our child is gone. You are all I have left baby. Marry me Haley Renee Martin and make me the happiest man alive.” He hesitates while watching my facial expressions. “I will forever try and make up the last eight weeks to you, but eight weeks is so small compared to the lifetime we will share if you say yes.”

  There are no words to explain the joy I feel in this moment. I know we have a lot to work through, and the pain of losing the baby is still so fresh, but there is no one on this entire planet I would rather call my husband than Kyler. “Yes.”

  “Yes?” he repeats while tilting his head in disbelief, gauging my answer.

  “Yes. Kyler King, I will marry you.” Despite knowing we have so many issues to work through, I love him. He owns me, and by him asking me the most important question in the world, I know I own his heart too. In this moment when the stars are all aligned and things are easy again, there is nothing I want more in this entire world than to spend my life with him…loving him.

  “Holy fucking shit, I love you.” He grabs me and spins me around the center of the room. “I love you, the future Mrs. Haley King,” he says as Lucy walks through the door holding two coffees. Her jaw drops as her hand drops the beverages she is carrying. Assuming she is surprised by our news is a major understatement. I look back into my adoring fiancée’s eyes and kiss him passionately in front of our audience.

  We haven’t set a date, nor do I have a ring, but those decisions will come in time. Right now we are trying to focus on each other and healing our hearts which have been broken too many times to count. We resume seeing our counselor who recommends we start seeing a couples counselor to help with the pain from the miscarriage. She told us every couple deals with that type of loss differently. It was just easier for the both of us to pull away from each other and deal with it in our own unique way. After all, we have both dealt with death in the past the best we could.

  Since we got engaged we have spent countless nights sitting on the floor in the dark, pouring ourselves out to one another. At the time I didn’t realize how much Kyler’s heart was aching because I was so wrapped up in my own despair. I had Jude to lean on, and Kyler had no one. We are both at a point where we can accept the hurt we both caused each other and try to move on to plan our future, together.

  The hardest part was telling Jude before someone else did. I sat nervously outside of his classroom waiting for it to be dismissed. “Hey,” I call to him when I see him walk out of the doors.

  “What’s up Hale? Don’t you have class today?”

  “I do, but I was hoping we could grab some coffee and talk instead.” He looks down at his watch before his eyes gaze across the campus, almost as if he is looking for someone. I have noticed him being a little preoccupied lately, but he is enrolled in pre-law, so I brushed away h
is recent distance and didn’t think twice about it. But seeing him hesitate to join for me coffee seems strange. “Or…do you have somewhere else to be?” I ask slightly irritated.

  “No,” he snaps.

  “Jude, what is going on?” I ask in a harsh tone. We have never kept secrets from each other, and for some reason I feel like he is hiding something. After all we have been through, hanging onto the friendship we have fought so desperately to keep, you would think honesty was top on our friendship priority list. Looking at Jude standing in front of me, nervously glancing around campus and checking his cell phone every few seconds, tells me something is definitely going on.

  He breaks my daze. “So are we getting coffee or what Hale?”

  “Yeah, sure, let’s go.” I make a mental note to keep an eye on his weird behavior.

  We walk down the road about two blocks to our favorite coffee shop. I find a small booth towards the back of the petite building as Jude orders our drinks. The store is almost empty, making Jude the only person in line. I see him place the order with the barista as he slides his phone out of his back pocket. The whole time he is waiting at the counter to get our drinks he is texting someone with a giant smile plastered on his face. As he makes his way over to our table, his attitude changes abruptly, and his demeanor shifts back to the Jude I know, not the Jude who has been sidetracked and glued to his phone for the last ten minutes.

  “One white chocolate mocha coming right up!” He slides into the bench in front of me as he hands me my drink.

  “Thank you, sir.” He would remember my favorite drink. Playful Jude seems to be back and distracted Jude is gone. I decide not to push the issue right now. After all I did drag him here to tell him some very exciting news.

  “How are your classes?” Small talk is something I dread, but with Jude talking always seems so natural and unforced.