“I know. I’m sorry for everything too babe. We’ll make it through this. It can only make us stronger,” he says while sitting on his bed and pulling down the covers. “Come to bed Hale; we both need some rest.”
I take off my shoes and climb into his awaiting arms. My head is still sore from today’s brawl and Kyler’s eye is still swollen, but the raw emotion that is passing through our bodies as we roll around in the sheets is worth all of the drama we have endured today. I consider pushing Kyler off of me when the thought of Jude being alone in the other room makes my stomach churn, but I have to allow Kyler this moment to stake his claim. I wince as I hear him groan knowing he is putting on a show for Jude. I got the Depo birth control shot the moment the doctor offered it, so I allow Kyler the free of not using a condom. I know it makes him feel closer to me, not having any barriers between us. When we finish making love, I fall asleep in my fiancé’s arms. My dreams are filled with happy thoughts of Kyler and I dancing at our wedding reception.
“Haley, come on babe, hurry up!” I hear Kyler shout from the bedroom in my dorm. I’m standing in the bathroom putting on the finishing touches of my makeup before we head out the door. Butterflies consume the space in my stomach knowing we will be seeing Jude tonight at dinner. It has been one year since Kyler asked me to be exclusive with him last Thanksgiving and three months have passed since we have been hiding our engagement from his uncle Roy. Lucy skipped her annual family festivities to join Kevin and his family in Aspen. I didn’t know Kevin’s parents were loaded, but apparently they are. They even offered to fly out Lucy’s parents with them, but Kyler said Mr. Masterson had too much pride, although he declined claiming the people of his church needed him for Sunday’s service.
I am finally ready as I stand in front of the bathroom mirror staring at the girl in front of me. I stopped wearing loads of black eyeliner thanks to Lucy, who knew it was a mask. She helped me knock down part of the wall I’ve built up. “One brick at time,” she said while holding my hand and walking up to the makeup counter. I run my hands down the sides of my waist and hips to smooth the creases in my black dress which from sitting on the counter applying my cosmetics. The girl looking back at me looks much more like the loving, happy Hale I was in Jersey before the incident, not the Hale who boarded the bus and stepped off wearing cat-eyed makeup and a chastity belt around her heart.
“Hold on a sec!” I holler back knowing Kyler is as eager to get this day over with as I am.
I step out of the bathroom wearing a simple black dress with gray knee high boots and stockings underneath since the winters here are brutal. Kyler glances up, and I can see the approval in his eyes. Without even knowing it, he takes my breath away, although he is looking at me with the same adoring eyes I am batting in his direction. I walk up to him and bend to sit down on his awaiting knees.
“Oh no, you don’t,” he says as he moves over quickly so that I fall on the bed instead of on his lap. I giggle and sit back up, straightening my dress while making a pouting face and puckering my lips. He reaches over with his index finger and traces my lower lip. “That won’t do you any good here babe, you know that,” he jokes. I have become quite accustomed to pouting lately, but today it seems I have reached my quota for the month.
I giggle while I reach for my bag on the floor. As I do, Kyler gets a full view of my backside, which I wiggle around, knowing he is looking. “You never play fair, do you?” He smirks.
“Ouch, brat!” I laugh while he picks me up and places me on his lap. It seems my pouting paid off.
“Babe, I want nothing more than to have my way with you right now, but,” he glances at his watch, “we have to get on the road,” and then he leans in to kiss me. His teeth pull on my bottom lip. My body quivers in response. He knows that drives me wild, and he is doing it on purpose. Two can play that game. I move my mouth from his acting as if I’m going to whisper in his ear. Instead I take his lobe in my mouth and gently suck on it. “Ahh!” He cries out as I nibble. “Enough babe, we gotta go.”
We arrive at the farm; and once again showing me he is a true southern gentlemen, Kyler parks the truck, jumps out, and runs to my side to open the door before I can even get my seatbelt off. “Thank you, sir,” I say as he holds his hand out to help me climb out of his massive truck. I grab it thinking he is going to take it up to his mouth. But instead my mouth drops in shock as he drags my hand down his chest and folds his large hand over mine, slowly moving it to his zipper.
He smiles as he bends down to whisper in my ear. “Remember what this feels like inside you,” and then he leaves me standing by the passenger side of his truck as he walks off the house without me. That little tease!
“Whatever happened to the romantic Kyler I met?” I ask myself while skipping to meet him at the door before he walks in without me.
Roy swings the front door open with Suzie by his side. “Hay Hay hug me,” she says energetically.
“Hi doll! I sure have missed you.” I bend down and pick up her small body.
“Hey kids. Long time no see. Happy Thanksgiving,” Roy says to us while moving to the side, giving us room to come in the house.
My eyes scan the room once in the threshold. No signs of Jude. I sit Suzie down on the floor as Kyler helps remove my jacket. I feel two hands cover my eyes. Uh-oh, I think to myself unsure of whose hands are blinding me. I can feel someone breathing on the back of my neck.
“Hey cutie,” a male says in a low husky voice. I bend my neck slightly trying to think of who the voice belongs to. It isn’t Kyler or Jude’s voice.
“Trent!” I scream as I turn around and find myself buried in his strong arms. “Happy Thanksgiving,” I say while we exchange playful touches.
“All right already, enough groping my girl. Don’t you have your own somewhere around here?” Kyler asks his cousin.
“That I do my friend,” Trent motions to the kitchen.
“I didn’t know you had a girlfriend,” I nudge him in the side.
“We’re not dating…yet,” he says with a cocky wink. I don’t have to wonder who taught him that— as Kyler is the master of the cocky wink.
I make my way to the kitchen to help Roy move the food to the dining room while the boys gather in the living room to watch football. I can hear the faint sounds of laugher as I turn the corner and find Jude swapping spit with a Playboy Bunny. I didn’t see his car outside when we pulled up, which means the unknown bright yellow vehicle belongs to his date. I already felt like today was going to be awkward, but this brings it to a whole new level of uncomfortable. I shuffle by them in the hallway attempting to go unnoticed, but Jude reaches his arm out and catches a piece of the fabric on my dress causing me to stop. The blonde and I are now standing shoulder to shoulder in front of Jude.
“Hale meet Catie; Catie meet Hale,” he says as he bites his lower lip. His eyes look heavy, and I wonder if she kept him up all night.
“Hello. Nice to meet you, Catie,” I say as politely as possible even though I feel the urge to vomit. I knew this day would come. I prayed every single night for the last three months that Jude would meet someone who could help heal his shattered heart since I couldn’t help him tape together the pieces I so nicely left lying at his feet. The smile I have mounted on my face is as phony as they come, but if he is happy, then so am I. “It’s a pleasure to see Jude finally bring a date home,” I say staking claim to my soon-to-be family. She looks at me and then back to Jude but doesn’t say anything. I can see by the look on his face that my words were taken just how I wanted them to be received. “Well, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go help Uncle Roy with dinner.” I turn on my heels and walk the rest of the way into the kitchen.
Jealously isn’t an emotion I am familiar with. I know I am engaged to one of the sexiest men on campus, but Kyler has never given me a reason to be jealous. In high school neither did Jude, so I haven’t had much practice dealing with this feeling. I walk into the kitchen and see Roy with a dishcloth hung over his
shoulder leaning into the oven removing the turkey. I wonder why in the world his wife would leave such a sweet man and her children. At least she taught him how to cook a turkey. I see a red-headed girl sitting on a stool in the corner, texting on her phone. I assume she is Trent’s girlfriend. She looks up and gives me a shy smile.
I take a minute and slide into the powder room attached to the dining area.
Once inside I sink down to the floor to gather my thoughts. When I stand back up, I look in the mirror as I tuck a few loose strands of hair out of my face. You’re not jealous; you’re happy for him. I frown because my words sound like I am trying to convince myself more than anything. I do a little jumping dance trying to shake off my negative energy before I open the bathroom door and have to deal with the reality that Jude has a girlfriend. I don’t know why I feel like I do. I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help feeling a bit upset. I plaster on a fake smile and join everyone at the table.
This year there are twelve chairs and place settings at the table. There are five seats on each side. Roy is seated at the head of the rectangular table. My heart aches when I look at the empty seat across from him. I stand up and grab one of the fullest pitchers to pour sweet tea into everyone’s glasses. Roy waits until I find my way back to my chair.
My hand finds Kyler’s before Roy says, “Let’s bow our heads in prayer. Heavenly Father, thank you for the opportunity to celebrate another Thanksgiving with my family. We are blessed to have the food sitting on our table and the roof hanging over our heads that you so graciously provided. I ask that you continue to bless our lives and our hearts with your everlasting love,” his voice echoes around the room as we all chant Amen and open our eyes.
Bowls start being passed around the table; the aroma of homemade stuffing and mashed potatoes makes my mouth water. Somehow I landed the seat directly across from Jude. I pass him the mashed potatoes, and instead of passing the bowl to his date, he scoops a little onto her plate the way he used to do for me. I feel Kyler squeeze my thigh under the table breaking the mean mugging look I am sending Catie’s way. They say that time heals all wounds, but first you must make the decision to let go. My decision is made in this moment while sitting at the dinner table with the only people I have ever loved other than my parents. The only two people who I can say with one hundred percent certainty that I do love and who are still alive to hear the words. I love Jude, but I love Kyler more. If I’m still holding onto certain pieces of the past like Jude, I can’t let go. It was easier when I ran away from him and my issues, but instead he is here sitting face to face with me. I realize in order to truly move on I have to let go. I try not to watch him, but I can’t help myself. He is so carefree, smiling and making dumb jokes to make Catie laugh. He seems truly happy. I start to feel at peace with my decision. He needs me to let him go as much as I do. I have been a burden on his shoulders since the day we pulled up to my parents’ house that dreaded day. He was my raft, and I was his anchor. He kept my head above the tide while I was drowning him and was too selfish to notice. I will not hold him back from happiness, and if Catie makes him happy, then her being here by his side makes me happy too.
We finish dinner, and Suzie and I clear the plates from the table. We are rinsing and stacking the plates, so washing isn’t so much of a task later, when Kyler comes in and grabs a pecan pie from the counter. “Whew, how can you eat dessert?” I ask while sighing, unable to breathe due to the giant feast we just devoured.
“I’m a growing boy,” he says as he leans in and gives my cheek a peck.
“Eww, cooties!” Suzie giggles uncontrollably. We finish stacking the dishes as Catie walks through the doorway holding the leftover turkey.
“Umm, where should I put this?” she asks while eyeing the countertops looking for an open space to set the serving tray.
“Wherever you can find room.” She makes a small space on top of the stove and turns to go back to the dining room. “Catie,” I say to catch her from leaving. She turns around looking at me nervously. I don’t know what Jude has told her about me or the situation with him and Kyler, so I try to be as vague as possible. “It’s really nice to see Jude so happy. Thank you for coming and celebrating with us today.” My smile feels genuine and not forced like earlier.
“That means a lot. Jude seems like a really great guy. It was nice of him to invite me.” She scans the room looking everywhere but in my eyes. Suzie tugs on my dress before jumping into my arms.
“I like her,” she whispers in my ear. “Jude likes her too, right?”
“I think so Suzie; I really do.” When I look up, my eyes and Catie’s finally meet. I am half expecting a stare down showdown but instead she smiles.
“Thank you for being so welcoming,” she says with a sudden glow on her face. She turns the corner leaving Suzie and I in kitchen. When we are finished, we head to the living room. Catie is sitting with the boys staring at the TV. I glance around the room to see that Kyler and Roy are missing.
“Where is Ky?” I ask curious as to where they could be. Jude looks up at me, and I can tell he wants to say something but doesn’t. I turn my head slightly while trying to talk to him with my eyes, but I don’t understand what he is saying back. I shrug my shoulders and walk down the hallway looking for Kyler. I know being in this house, his house, sometimes gets to him. I want to make sure he is okay. He isn’t on the main level, so I start to climb the stairs when I hear Roy raise his voice. The steps creak stopping me dead in my tracks. I want to avoid making it obvious that I’m spying on them.
“Listen here boy, you need to do what’s right, and calling this here lawyer is what needs to be done,” I hear Roy say rather loudly before I see Kyler emerge from a bedroom, descend the stairs, and stalk right by me.
I try and reach the material on his shirt, but he turns away too fast. His footsteps hit the floor with such force that the pictures on the walls rattle. Then the door slams. I wait a moment before moving to make sure Roy doesn’t come down the steps and catch me in the act. No one comes. I turn and quietly walk down the hallway to the mudroom and walk outside being extra careful to silence the click of the door when it shuts. I don’t have to wander around out here because I know exactly where to find him. The barn.
As I open the side door that leads into the tack room, I hear muffled sobs amongst the hooves of horses hitting the ground. Knowing those sobs are coming from Kyler’s beautiful face only makes my heart ache more for him. I find him kneeling on the ground in an empty stall. He doesn’t look up as I walk into the stall, but I know he heard me because his sobs suddenly stop. “Don’t be embarrassed Ky,” I kneel down beside him grabbing a piece of white paper he has bunched up in his hand. He still doesn’t move but allows me to take the paper from his grasp. Urgent is written in red letters on the torn envelope lying by my feet. I skim through the letter, which explains how Kyler should proceed with his inheritance and mentions his family’s estate being finalized. My chest starts to hurt as I realize why he is so upset. My eyes pick up only the important sections.
Death occurred by policy holder’s hand. Coroner deems suicide. Riley Jane King rejected from clause number 548; clearly states if policy holder does not die a natural death all funds previously paid will be kept by the insurance carrier.
My hand starts to shake causing the paper to fall from it, floating to the ground. I know from first-hand experience that there are no words to make him feel better, so I keep my mouth shut and slide in behind him in the hay. He leans his body into mine burying his head in my chest as he loses the will power to hold back the tears. His tears aren’t a sign of weakness leaving his body but a sign of mourning and healing. Sometimes crying is the best medicine. A lesson I learned too late, but once I allowed myself to sit and be somber, the flood gates opened. While my heart still had an aching dullness, I felt better.
I don’t know how much time has passed since all of the doors to the barn are closed, but the horses are beginning to get feisty. I can only assume tha
t that means feeding time. I hear a click and then see the unknown silhouette of someone dragging one of the barn doors to the side. I shake Kyler, breaking him from his daze, to let him know that someone is here with us. He stands up and dusts off his hands and then helps me to my feet. We still haven’t exchanged words, but I know we don’t have to. The bond we share, the grief we have both dealt with, leaves us raw and scarred from the inside out. We both know there are not enough sympathy cards in the world to lift our spirits, so we do what we have both grown accustomed to…we sulk and seclude ourselves from the ones we love the most.
I grab Kyler’s hand as he leans over the gate to unlock us from the outside in. “Don’t do this,” I say in a low voice so whoever is in the barn with us doesn’t hear me.
“Haley,” Kyler responds in a stern voice alerting me not to push the subject anymore. I lift up his left hand and lace my fingers with his.
“As your fiancée,” I rub my finger on his bare ring finger, “we will get through this together. You never have to face this sorrow alone again. I swear I will be here with you every step of the way.” He gives me a quick nod. I can tell by the way he tenderly squeezes my hand that my words got through to him.
As we walk out of the stall, I hear bags being tossed onto the ground. Then I see Trent carrying a long green hose filling each stall bucket with fresh water. “There ya’ll are,” he says when we finally approach him. “Wanna help since you’re here?” I look back and forth between the both of them. I know he isn’t talking to me. Is he?
“Sure, what the hell. They need to be fed, and I can’t see you hauling ten bags of feed by yourself,” Kyler says while letting go of my hand and bending to grab a bag of pellets. The way his muscles tighten when he lifts the bag on his shoulders makes my cheeks flush. I watch him and Trent for a few minutes. It’s easy to pick up on their routine, the way they work together, knowing who feeds which horse. It makes me sad thinking this was all Kyler knew before his parents were taken, but at the same time, I also feel a sense of pride over him. He still comes and helps his uncle run his family’s farm; and right now, although his heart is crushed, he is doing what needs to be done. I start to walk away and leave them to tend to the animals before I feel my back get wet. As I jerk my head around, I see Trent staring at me, smiling with the hose pointed in my direction.
The Upside of Letting Go Page 16