by Charles Dean
Strengths: Females get more than 77% of the male equivalent income for efforts.
Weaknesses: Females never successfully collect child care.
Goldfish-Butterfly-Squirrel: This creature is a clear jab at one creator’s inability to stay focused with every metaphor for losing one’s attention except a cat with a laser rolled up into one monstrously ugly and confusing creature. It’s almost hard to feel threatened. That said, the butterfly-winged flying furball with fish eyes and a fish tail is clearly not trying to threaten anyone, it’s just trying to make you laugh before you forget what it likely already has: that you’re supposed to kill it.
Strengths: Nothing.
Weakness: Shiny objects--Oh! Look at the flutterby!
Mutant Boar: Breeding experiments to produce the most flavorful slices of bacon have resulted in more violent, meaner, and deformed boars. That said, the bacon is in fact quite delicious, if it can be harvested.
Strengths: Charging, or rather, running in a straight line.
Weakness: Grills, frying pans,
OctoStench: The stink bug is by far one of nature’s cruelest jokes. Harmlessly fluttering around its entire life with no defense other than the fact that upon death it smells so rank most people are forced to hold their nose for fear of a wave of nausea overtaking them. OctoStench is what happens when that awful odor gets transformed into a spitting device, made poisonous, and thrown on top of eight legs. Just to make matters more amusing, they threw in sword arms--because sword arms.
Strengths: Saves a ton on deodorant.
Weaknesses: Saves on deodorant because even deodorant can’t cover up the awful smell.
Ogre: Mean, clunky and bigger by the level. Often thought of as a savage and barbaric creature by those who hunt them for experience or items, the Ogre actually is a very calm creature who often seeks to achieve a state of inner peace and has thus discarded most, if not all, of its material possessions and desires. Unfortunately, living in a forest surrounded by aggressive adventurers has trained the Ogre to keep a maul as a form of self-defense.
Strengths: Big. Big big. Super big.
Weaknesses: Lazy and fond of comfortable places to rest when no-one is looking.
Rhino-Beetle: These ever-horny deviants are constantly charging through the gambling arenas of Tiqpa. Caught, bred and then kept in tiny circular rooms where they wait for fights, many Tiqpa residents have complained about their inhumane treatment. Some, in a now infamous attempt, even tried to free one such imprisoned Rhino-Beetle, only to be gored and danced upon by the unchained beast as soon as the collar was removed.
Strengths: Really good at charging forward.
Weaknesses: Can’t bet on self.
Scorpatuar: Half disfigured-looking humanoid, half-horse with an added scorpion tail just for kicks, this monster is a true work of nightmares. The tail lashes out faster than a news anchor’s tongue in a lopsided interview and rarely misses. While running may be a victim’s first instinct, rest assured the horse legs are not for decoration. Praying is a better use of time.
Strengths: The Scorpataur is good at eating spicy food and tricking frogs.
Weaknesses: The Scorpataur, like most horses, is susceptible to random hangings and sugar cubes.
Turtle-Wolf: Standing on two legs like a dog that thinks he is human, the wolf inside the shell has manlike hands tapered off with claws instead of paws and a twisting, swiveling long neck that lets you know the shell isn’t the only part of the creature that is turtle. It has all the defense of a fully-armored soldier coupled with the aggression of a rabid wolf.
Strengths: Racing rabbits, chasing cars, tracking.
Weakness: Standing up if pushed on its back, fence posts.
I’m Not a Racist, but:
Human [Human]: One look in the mirror will tell you everything you need to know about this often-frumpy, weak-muscled, overlooked race. Even in the real world they lack many characteristics gamers would value on a stat sheet, but for some reason they always seem to prevail. Be wary of doubting or underestimating the tenacity of the meek and cunning.
Bonus: +1 stat point per level.
Minotaur [White-Horn]: More bull than man, these lumbering giants may have many myths and stories revolving around how they were made, most with jokes about someone’s mother looking like a cow, but that doesn’t change the fact they are a massive force to be reckoned with on the battlefield. Favoring the axe and their brute power, they can cleave through most lines with little to no effort.
Bonus: +5% Movement Speed in combat, +20% Movement Speed out of combat, +5% Power, +5% Damage when wielding axes, can’t wear shoes.
Satyr [White-Horn]: Satyrs don’t kid around when it comes to magic. These half-goat men are experts at manipulating nature and traversing rough terrain. With enough of them in an army, one is sure to control the weather--just don’t expect to keep your lawn.
Bonus: +10% Casting Speed, +25% Movement Speed over rough terrain, +5% Cold Resistance.
Vampire [Black-Wing]: Arguably the suckiest race in the game, Vampires have learned to embody the true spirit of a bat man. They thrive on the night and draw the life force out of any foe within reach during combat. With their large, dark, black wings, Lifesteal, and affinity for the night, the Vampire is a terror in the skies when the sun sets.
Bonus: Flying, +5% Lifesteal on Melee Attacks, +5% Increased Damage during nighttime.
Incubus/Succubus [Black-Wing]: It’s always a common joke that a woman is a man’s worst enemy, or the other way around depending on who is saying it. And, by that logic, this race fits right in. An innate charm serves to disarm opponents of the opposite gender during combat. That said, there are far worse ways to die than in the presence of a sexy foe.
Bonus: Flying, +5% Damage against opposite gender, +5% Damage bonus with whips.
Dragon-Wing [Black-Wing]: There are few things more ferocious than a full-grown, fire-breathing, battle-worn dragon. Unfortunately, this is just a cheap knockoff version. They have a great deal of health like the dragons they take their name from and are excellent at resisting fire. Even if they aren’t actually dragons, they do make great dragon hunters.
Bonus: Flying, +10% Vitality, +25% Fire Resistance.
White-Wing [Sun God Empire]: The White-Wings are what people first wanted angels to be: humans with giant sets of wings. This race has mastered prison fighting and learned to wield the shiv with expert dexterity. Contrary to all the chicken jokes though, they do not run from fights.
Bonus: Flying, +10% Damage with daggers, -10% Damage with all other weapons, +5% Armor bonus when wearing low-weight armor.
Fire-Walker [Sun God Empire]: Love the fresh smell of napalm in the morning? Fire-Walkers sure do. They may have given up smoking cigarettes, but they’ve permanently solved the lighter issue. With feet always on fire and flames shooting out of any body part, Fire-Walkers have trouble handling normal weapons and developed their own unique crafting system to compensate.
Bonus: -50% Damage with non-glass weapons, cannot wear shoes, +10% Damage with glass. weapons, Fire Manipulation, Fire Creation, Fire Crafting.
Demon [StormGuard Alliance]: No one knows where they came from or when they arrived, but this mysterious race of red-eyed, black-haired human look-alikes is feared and respected by those who know better.
Bonus: Locked stat growth, unique abilities, unusually high stat growth
Canine [Were-Beast]: Between dodging flees, chasing carts and harassing friendly delivery men, it’s a wonder the Canines ever manage to get anything done. One might be better off just adopting them and providing them with a little kibble, belly rubs (their favorite) and a scratch behind the ears rather than trying to fight one. It’s best to let sleeping dogs lie, especially when they’re engrossed in their favorite activity: sleep. Never try to discount their incredible loyalty and teamwork in battle. Where one Canine might be deadly, five are nearly unstoppable. Don’t press the pack.
Bonus: +1% to Power, Speed, Vitality for every
friendly Canine, including self, in the party [Up to 8% max]; +10% Movement speed; -20% Movement Speed when near fire hydrants.
Feline [Were-Beast]: Few people know that Felines were actually a race of aliens that came to Tiqpa to enslave humanity after losing a galactic war with the laser pointer-wielding dog people. While these dogs have nothing to do with the Canines on Tiqpa, the grudge still remains. They are also often mistaken with their more feral, less civilized Panthera cousins.
Bonus: +5% to all stats when traveling alone, +5% Speed, +5% Damage with daggers, movement produces 50% less sound.
Panthera [Were-Beast]: Lions and tigers and Pantheras, oh my! These night time thugs come with built in jump suits that are pre-striped or dotted, hunting down their prey and turning them into homicide victims before they even had a chance to notice something was amiss. While they may seem like the perfect Ninjas, very few of them ever pounce on that opportunity instead choosing to rush into battle claws first.
Bonus: +5% Power, +5% Movement Speed in combat, +15% Damage on initial hit, +20% Movement Speed out of combat, has night vision, movement produces 50% less sound.
Reptilian [Were-Beast]: Before pondering the nature of a Reptilian, know that they pondered it first. After all, they spend most of their time forming questions regarding philosophical rhetoric and contemplating the nature of the universe. These cold-blooded theorists will generally explore the mysteries of the universe alone, unheard by men or reason, over a cup of black tea served with crumpets. Unfortunately, no man has ever seen this side of them. The few Humans that have ever made it into their dwellings are usually found in the morning skewered on a freshly-planted spike in the gardens outside their homes.
Bonus: Can breathe underwater, +5% power, +5% to speed, +5% damage with all melee weapons. -25% Fire Resistance, -25% Cold Resistance.
Simian [Were-Beast]: These staff wielding pranksters tend to barrel headfirst into everything and are always up to monkey business from the day they are born--which is why Simian parents have long refused to give up the right to punish their children. After all, even though spanking the monkey sounds bad, a monkey that has never been spanked would be a nightmare for the whole town. Be careful: their uncles are everywhere and can throw a wrench into even the best laid plans.
Bonus: +10% Damage when wielding staves, +5% Speed, +25% height when jumping.
Ursine [Were-Beast]: Making a pun about ‘bear’ arms might seem harmless and amusing until one is actually faced with a pair of real bear arms. When around this race that defined the gun show in terms of muscular fortitude, jokes should be made as little as possible. Respectable, pink shirt-wearing businessmen and frat boys have been advised to not do anything fishy or jump around them.
Bonus: Hands act as a weapon equivalent to level (Damage and Strength will vary based on stats and class), +10% Power, +5% Vitality.
Those People Who Didn’t Ask for More Money on Their Contracts When Signing up for the Sequel:
Darwin: A video gaming demon who has been trapped in the world of Tiqpa, forced to level up and survive as he attempts to find his way home.
Stephanie: A fellow gamer and the boss of a dungeon, she abandoned her post to chase after and be with Darwin.
Alex: Once just a simple scout, Alex is now the lead representative for the people of Valcrest. He commands the troops of the StormGuard Alliance in Darwin’s absence.
Kass: The daughter of Robert, one of the lead designers of Tiqpa, and an avid gamer herself. She is currently trying to be the highest level Frost Mage in the game and is using Darwin to get there.
Robert: Lead programmer of Tiqpa and father of Kass. Currently investigating the bathrobe knight who has upset the balance of a game he spent years making.
Valerie: A disabled girl who uses Tiqpa to experience the sensation of being able to move all of her limbs again. She gets wrapped up in the game, even romancing an NPC shortly before he dies and she finds out that the her faction has turned against her. She escapes with her friends, Daniel and Mclean, to join Darwin in the middle of the White-Wing beach battle.
Daniel: One of the two close friends who joined Valerie when she achieved a high enough rank to assign quests for the White-Wings. He, along with Valerie and Mclean, joins the StormGuard Alliance after the White-Wing beach battle.
Mclean: One of the two close friends who joined Valerie when she achieved a high enough rank to assign quests for the White-Wings. She, along with Valerie and Daniel, joins the StormGuard Alliance in the middle of the White-Wing beach battle.
Eve: Claiming to be Darwin’s sister, this mysterious figure leads him to discover the creation stone needed to convert the people of Valcrest into Demons. Later she is seen traveling alongside Qasin, claiming that her goal is to reach and rescue her brother.
Gary: Robert’s coworker and Tiqpa design team leader. The only thing worse than his choice in clothes is his uncomfortable insistence on bad jokes and inappropriate comments.
Qasin: From soldier to King, the great warrior freed himself of his political chains and carved the three factions of Noob Island into one great empire. After he had conquered the land though, he left the island and his faction behind to accompany Eve on her quest to rescue her brother.
Pets:
Jim: This supposed ‘dog’ owned by Kerrigan may sound lovable, but be careful. The second you come over, he’ll rush. You’ll lose all your mineral far . . . wait. Nevermind. You’ll just get a bunch of that annoying hair all over your black slacks.
Fuzzy Wuzzy: Some people like dogs, some people like cats, but both Darwin and Kass seemed to have gotten attached to this future rug of an in law. Between the soft fur and the oddly unexpected sense of humor for both an NPC and an animal, this bear has grown into quite the lovable fur ball.
Inventory of Items:
Burriza’s Blade: What does a Polar Bear have to do with a sword? Who knows, but when you see how well it turned out, who cares?
Stats: 215 Damage, +10 Power
Captain’s Emblem: A symbol of power can be more than just a symbol if it carries with it the trust and hopes of those who give it meaning.
Stats: When carried, raises the level of all NPCs commanded by +5; All nearby allied players and NPCs will receive +5% to all stats.
Captain’s Ring: Often those who receive this item complain that it isn’t powerful enough. It doesn’t have enough stats. That’s because they don’t understand that its only limit is the strength of those who follow its wearer.
Stats: +10 Power, +1% increased Power and Speed for all allied party members.
Crown of the Ice Queen: Flung away by a princess in a musical number that defined the entire movie, this long lost diadem was somehow recovered and sold by a rather shady individual. Even the Ice Queen has to let her hair down sometimes, although by now I’m pretty sure she’s sorry she ever let it go.
Stats: +30 Spirit, +30 Concentration, +5% Damage to cold based spells.
Restriction: Frost Mage only.
Dragon’s Final Hymn: A dragon may die, but his flames never perish. The same is also what was said about Sir Frank Fluffabuff and his trusty zweihander. This is why, long after the knight had been eaten while holding the sword, the dragon died with the undigested blade still inside him. After the knight and the dragon had faded into oblivion, the two unyielding forces of fire and blade still stuck around--and stuck to each other.
Stats: 485 Damage, +30 Power, +20 Speed, +10% Fire Resistance, Damage is halved when dual wielding.
Dragon’s Tear: Proving that there is at least some value in making someone cry, the Dragon’s Tears sometimes harden into beautiful jewelry with magical powers. At other times, they just ruin the shoulder of someone’s shirt.
Stats: +10 Spirit, +10 Concentration.
Double-Bladed Axe: If Wrigley’s Spearmint gum has taught us anything, it’s that it’s perfectly okay to double your pleasure and double the fun, and nothing says twice as much fun as an extra blade on an axe.
Stats: 135 Da
mage.
Dull Iron Axe: Sometimes, you have to make do with what you have. After all, a giant axe to an enemy’s face is better than nothing, right?
Stats: 98 Damage.
Enchanted Bathrobe of Valcrest: Special times call for special measures. When armor is too heavy, clothes take too long to put on and you’re expecting company, the bathrobe is the right special measure needed. This one just comes fully decked out. Ramen not included.
Stats: +15 to Power, +15 Speed, +15 Vitality, reduces incoming Damage from all sources by 10%, +35 Damage when wielding Spoons, +10 damage versus French Onion Soup
Slippers of +10 Face Smashing: It’s tennis shoes for running, black dress shoes for fancy events, and slippers for face smashing. Never question a man in a bathrobe when his slippers are red.
Stats: +10 to comfy walking, +10 to Face Smashing, -10 to fashion.
Ring of the Ice Queen: No one is sure if they called her the Ice Queen because she was as frigid as a winter’s storm when it came to dating, or if it was because of her profound affinity for summoning a winter’s storm. Either way, one can be certain that the ring’s power is authentic and came directly from the Ice Queen herself, after all, what guy would offer her a ring? Regardless, the ring was aptly named and has served many Mages since.
Stats: +10 Vitality, +10 Spirit, +10 Concentration.