by Kate Stewart
“He was just leaving,” Koti offered before looking pointedly at me, “now.”
I gave her a menacing smile. “Not a chance, puffer fish.”
Dr. Zanders laughed. “I thought you were single, Koti.”
“I am.”
I cut in with an answer of my own. “She’s not, I assure you.”
Koti straightened herself on the bed in an attempt to muster as much dignity as she could in her gown. “You assure wrong. This isn’t cute, Ian, you need to leave.”
“No. Fucking. Way.” I stood, my chest heaving as I looked her over. If she was pregnant, I would have to find a way to forgive her, every part of me hoped it was true, but a larger part of me was boiling mad… She wasn’t showing, at that thought my chest sank at the idea something could be wrong. I turned to the doctor who seemed to be enjoying our back and forth.
“So, this is just routine then?”
She nodded. “There’s no need to worry. Hysterectomies are very common. I perform about ten a week.”
I felt sick as I tried to swallow the threatening bile. Not pregnant. Most definitely not pregnant.
I turned to face Koti who was staring at her red painted toes. Wrong color, wrong place, wrong news. I didn’t know if anything would ever be right again.
Fighting a hundred different emotions, I spoke up to try to save face. “Dr. Zander, could you please excuse us for a moment?”
“Sure.” She made her leave as I stared at the woman who owned me and refused to look my way.
I WONDERED WHAT COLOR COFFIN Jasmine wanted, or if she wanted to be cremated, either way, I hoped she was enjoying her last day alive with Julian and that she’d broken her abstinence streak because she was a dead woman.
Seconds after the door closed, Ian stalked over to where I sat, pulled me to stand and grabbed the clothes I had laying over the chair and threw them on the bed toward me.
I stood arms crossed as he gathered my shoes throwing them my way as well. “This is like the opening of a bad joke. Your ex-boyfriend walks into your OB appointment. Care to tell me the punch line?”
Furious gray eyes met mine. “I’m still madly in love with you. Get dressed.”
Trying to ignore the shock at the sight of him and his words, I shook my head.
“That’s unfortunate, crocky because I’ve moved on.” He looked gorgeous in a form-fitting button-down that matched his eyes and slacks. His hair was a little longer and even more unruly and it looked dead sexy on him. He was in even better shape than when he left the island and I tried my best not to stare too long. It hurt me to see him that way. It hurt me to see him at all. But I’d done my share of mourning over the way he’d left me with no trace of his love, of us.
“Moved on?” His eyes drank me in before he moved toward me. “Sorry if I don’t believe you. And I’ve been chasing you all over to find you doing this? The surgery is not happening, get dressed.”
“Sorry, Ian, I’m not that scared woman you left bleeding in the sand anymore. Things have changed. I’ve changed.”
“Well now, that would be unfortunate, but fortunately I don’t believe you on that either.”
“This needs to happen.”
I refused to believe the genuine fear that covered his features. “Are you sick?”
Ignoring him, I shed my nightgown as his eyes greedily took in my naked form. Eat your heart out, buddy. He wasn’t the only one who’d been working out. It wasn’t a lie, things had changed, I just wasn’t sure if I was happy with all of them.
“Answer me, Koti,” he commanded. “Please.”
I sighed out my answer. “No, I’m not sick.”
“Are you at risk of anything?”
“Well… no more than usual.” Pulling my panties on, I could see desire stir in his eyes. I pretended to ignore that too.
“Then it’s not happening.”
“It is happening, tomorrow morning and you need to leave.” I moved to grab my slacks and he stopped me with a hand on my arm.
“Not a damned chance.”
I ripped myself away feigning indifference to his touch. “How about you answer some questions for me. Like, why are you here?”
“Because I came to tell you I was an idiot and I want another chance with you.”
“That’s not going to happen.”
“Oh, it’s happening.”
Hand on my hips, I faced him head on. “Are you taking steroids now? Who in the hell are you to tell me what’s happening?!”
“I’m the man in your life.”
“You’re the man who left me!”
“And I’ve paid for it in every imaginable way. You remember the hell I told you I didn’t believe existed? I’ve been living in it because I can’t stand life without you. And you aren’t having this surgery.”
“Ian, I’m having it. It’s what’s best for me.”
“Why?” He shook his head, calling bullshit. “Because you’re mad at me?”
“Still an egomaniac? It’s sad to see not much has changed for you. Not everything revolves around you. Endometriosis is painful. Trust me on this.”
“And there’s a possibility the pain can lessen with childbirth.”
“Did you YouTube that fact on the way over here? Good for you.”
He narrowed his eyes. “No, I read up when I was on the island, making love to you every night and fucking you every day.”
I swallowed as he took a step toward me.
“You were holding out to have this surgery because you thought there might be a chance for a family someday. You endured the pain because you were hoping for a child. Tell me that’s not the truth.” I stayed mute as his furious eyes bore into mine, his jaw clenched. “If I thought for one second this is what you really wanted, I would walk away, but it isn’t. You don’t want this surgery. You want to have babies, in St. Thomas, my babies. Now finish dressing, damnit, I’m here to take you home.”
“There is no home.” I pulled on my blouse and started tugging on the buttons, fighting my tears I turned away from him. “It’s gone, both of our houses.”
“What?”
I glanced at him over my shoulder. “Jasmine just called to let me know Banion’s okay. He can’t even get to our street. It’s all gone. St. Thomas is in shambles.”
His face paled. “Thank Christ you weren’t there when it hit. But it’s still our home.”
I smiled ironically. “No, that was never my home.”
The doctor poked her head in the door. “Koti, I have another appointment and we didn’t really need an exam today. This visit was more for Q & A, so if you have any question feel free to call me on my cell. You can grab it at the receptionist’s desk. Good to meet you…”
“Ian,” he offered, his tone ice.
“Good to meet you, Ian.”
“She’s not having the surgery,” he said matter-of-fact, “but we appreciate your time. Nice to meet you as well.”
Dr. Zander smiled at me, her eyes alight with mischief. She was enjoying the volley between us far too much.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” I told her. “I’m sorry about this.”
“She won’t be here,” Ian said, fuming as he glared at me across the bed.
The Dr. spoke up with a smile on her face. “I’ll wait for your call, Koti.”
Once the door was shut, I turned on him, my anger spilling over.
“You have no right to speak on my behalf and you need to leave.”
“And you need to wake the hell up. You aren’t making this decision because it’s what’s best. It’s an emotional call, you’re still angry with me for leaving and you want to give up. I won’t let you.”
“It’s my decision.”
“The hell it is! Get your things we’re leaving!”
“I’m not going anywhere with you!”
“You don’t belong here.”
“I don’t belong on an island in the middle of the damned ocean, either. I’m not sure it’s here, but I’m figuring it out.
”
“Jesus,” he said taking a step closer, his eyes accusing. “What happened to you?”
“I woke up, and I needed to grow up. I can’t live in my parents’ vacation rental for the rest of my life, it’s not practical. I’m staying in New York for now. I’m going back to work for a small firm after I recover. It’s major progress, you should be happy for me.”
He crossed his arms. “Are you kidding me?”
I fastened my belt while he fumed on the other side of the bed.
“Look, I’ve been battling this my whole life. I’ll manage. You don’t have to worry about me. I’ve got new plans. The house is gone, there’s nothing to go home to. Jasmine’s considering moving back to the States as well. It’s just not home to either of us anymore. Things change. I took a cue from you, it’s time to be responsible. You of all people should be proud of me.”
“Proud of you? Aikona! No facking way.” Ian’s face turned crimson as I slid into my heels.
“Thank you for your concern, but I assure you I’m fine.”
He narrowed his eyes and strode toward me until the back of my knees touched the bed. I tried not to react to a whiff of his scent. He towered over me as I stood to my full height, thankful for the few inches of advantage my stilettos gave me.
“You want to have this surgery? Fine, tell me how this decision came to pass? You just woke up and decided to change the course of the rest of your life, to give away your chance of having a family, why?”
“I’m in pain!” I defended.
“Bullshit, Koti.”
“No, what’s bullshit is me having to explain myself to you. You don’t have a say in my life. Not anymore.”
“The hell I don’t. I’m the father of your future children so I damn sure do have a say.”
Instant tears filled my eyes and I turned to look out of the window watching the bustling traffic and a woman with a stroller move toward Central Park.
“That’s rich. I haven’t seen or heard from you in months.”
“Doesn’t matter how much time has passed, we’re still in love. I felt it the minute I walked through the door, I’m not playing the denial game with you, or any game ever, for that matter. That isn’t who we are. We’re closer than two people could ever be. I still love you, probably now more than I ever have. And I have loved you. Maybe in different ways and in different degrees over the years but I have loved you. You want to know what I’m doing here? I came to tell you that you’re worth it. And I’ve been stupid and selfish, and I want to spend my life with you.”
I turned back to glare at him. “News flash, egomaniac, I can live without you.”
“I know.”
“You left me with nothing.”
“I know.”
“I don’t need you anymore.”
“Maybe you don’t, but I still need you.”
He hung his head as I stood shaking with fury.
“That’s funny, I remember begging for any sign that you might. I remember telling you I would wait for you and getting nothing.”
“So, what’s this then? The final fuck you to our relationship? Tell me something, Koti. That day you dreamed of having a baby, the day of the accident, what color eyes did that baby have?”
“Ian, stop it. Okay, stop it!”
“They were my eyes, weren’t they? You never wanted a family, you never dreamed that far ahead until we fell in love.”
I stayed quiet.
“They were my eyes. I’m the man you pictured having a child with. I’m here to tell you I want the same.”
“Please,” I pleaded. “Please stop. That’s not the life I was supposed to live, remember? It’s not realistic. It was a childish move to run and throw it all away. As much as I hate to admit it, my mother was right.”
“Bullshit, that’s your mother talking. I won’t believe that of you. You were happy, and I destroyed it with my selfish shit and now you’ve used it as an excuse to move on the wrong way and in the wrong direction.”
“Who are you to judge me? You don’t know what it was like being in that house without—”
He took a step forward closing all the distance between us. “Without what? Me?”
“Just leave. I don’t want you here. How can I make that any more clear?”
“You could stop lying, not have tears in your eyes, not be searching for my lips to kiss you and itching for me to reach out and touch you. I see it all because I know you that well. I watched you and worshipped you for the best months of my life. I know what you need because I loved giving it to you and I will touch you the way you need me to and kiss you the way you want me to, but I need you to stop lying to me… right now.”
“So what, because you finally showed up I’m just supposed to get on my knees and be grateful you came back. Go to hell. It’s too late.”
His eyes closed painfully and when they opened, I could see them swimming with emotion.
“Maybe it is too late for us, if that’s what you say, I have no choice but to believe you, but this life you’re living now isn’t you.”
“No, this is me, the side you don’t know and the part you’ve never met, just like there’s an entire life you lived before me, that I don’t have a clue about. These are our real lives. St. Thomas was a dream. What happened on that island was beautiful and magical and a once-in-a-lifetime thing, but it wasn’t real or sustainable, and it was always going to end. We both knew eventually we would have to get back to reality. After you left to face yours, I decided to do the same for myself. This is who I am, that time on the island was a much-needed break. I was never supposed to be there.”
“I know you don’t believe that. That place, that beach, that ocean is ours, Koti, and maybe it’s not the life either of us planned, but it’s what I want now more than anything. We were happy there.”
Anger won over ache. “You’re still selfish. Words mean nothing to you because you don’t listen. My life is here now, St. Thomas is over. Fucking me for a few months doesn’t make you an authority on me. We are over. You made sure of it.”
He continually swallowed, tears brimming in his eyes as he lifted his hands.
I love you.
I need you.
I want that beautiful dream back.
I can’t live without you.
I tried, and I hated it.
I’ll be there when you make mistakes, when you hurt, when you’re scared.
I’ll be there.
I’ll marry you.
I’ll want children with you.
We can live anywhere you want.
I’m lost without my love.
I need you back.
Tell me what to do.
If you don’t want words, tell me what you want. Please. Please. Please.
Raw, I bit my lips to stifle the sob. “Stop. You broke my heart and you meant to. You can’t take that back.”
He gripped the sides of my face. “I’m late, but I’m here. And I’m sorry. I can’t stop, I won’t stop. I can’t stay away from you any longer. I can’t lose you again. And you can’t lose the part of you that I know will be one of the best parts. You’ll be the most beautiful and amazing mother. You’ll give our children pure love and acceptance. Please don’t do this. Tell me I’m not too late. Tell me your heart hasn’t closed to me. Tell me our children are safe.”
His tears fell rapidly down his beautiful face as my heart tried to claw its way out of my body toward the refuge of him.
“I have no place being a mother.”
“You’re the strongest woman I’ve ever met, despite your fears. I’d be so incredibly proud to have you mother my children. And as long as it’s in my power, you won’t be alone to ice those hundred cupcakes for the class. I’ll be by your side through all of it. Every minute, good or hard. I want to be that man for you. I want to be there. I want our love story more than my selfish freedom. I want our life. I’m so sorry I ever made you doubt that. I’ll never leave you again.”
My walls beg
an to crumble one by one.
“Please,” he said, his eyes overflowing with love. “Baby, please be honest with me. I’m begging you. Be honest with me now before I do as you ask and walk out that door.”
He searched my eyes as I swallowed hard.
“I know you still love me because I can feel it. I can feel it no matter how hard you’re trying to fight it. I can feel your need for me, just like you feel mine. We’re still in love, and I know we always will be. You are worthy of love and a life fuller than you can ever imagine. You’re my best friend and I miss you. I miss laughing with you, I miss talking to you, I miss filling you with my cock and hearing your beautiful moans, I miss eating late at night in front of the fridge door, swimming naked and waking up together covered in sand. I miss fighting with you because making up feels so fucking good. I miss the Koti who can’t stop laughing when she’s had too much wine, I miss the way you hug my daughter with your eyes closed because you mean it. I miss the turned-on sounds you make when you’re reading your romance novels.”
“I make sounds?”
“Yes, that’s why I never let you finish but a few chapters at a time, it drove me mad.”
We both laughed despite our sagging hearts.
“I miss Disco and the way you loved her without trying to show me you’d grown too attached. There are so many things I miss, but your smile is the first. I’ll do everything in my power to keep it there, to light you up the way you do me. I’m not just here because I miss you, because I need you, I’m begging for the beautiful dream of that life we started together. You think it’s not realistic, but it can be a reality for both of us. We can go back and own that fucking life. No rules but our own. Our happiness won’t ride on fulfilling anyone else’s expectations, it will be a life catered to us.”
A tear ran down my cheek and he brushed it away with his thumb.
“I just… couldn’t think of a good enough reason to be in any more pain.” I sniffed and tried to pull my face from his grip, but he kept me close.
“I’ll be your reason, let our son or daughter be your reason and they will be worth it, I promise you. I promise you.” He kissed my forehead, my eyelids, my cheeks and then stole my breath when he placed a slow kiss to my lips. I sank against the weight of it, my walls obliterated as my heart sprang free.