Um … yeah.
Day three: I learnt ways to make my mini-mammaries mahoosive. Move forward like a juggernaut of jugs, that’s what I’d do. After much research, I massaged them with butter. Hands up, who’d like to smell of eau de croissant in their quest for big boobs? Me, that’s who. Hands up, who’d like to eat dry toast because there’s no butter left? Excellent! Day four: the tape measure was out. They had grown a millionth of a millimetre. That’s cool, right? One million of anything is awesome. Except germs. Today, a millionth of a millimetre: tomorrow, straight to Dollywood on the fast bus out of Flatsville. Day five: Glinda the Good. I’m not ashamed to admit, I prayed to the good witch. ‘Wave your wand and give me some boobs or else,’ I said. I was good with threats. Unfortunately, no kaleidoscope bubble floated into my bedroom. I swiftly followed this with: ‘I’ll die if you don’t make me a C cup and then you’ll be sorry.’ I pondered that this threat was a touch tricky as it involved actual dying. On day six and seven I drank loads of milk and ate carbs. Before long, I was so full the gingham apron barely stretched across my middle. Time to stop, I thought, before I ended up in the wrong production. Two words: Augustus Gloop.
Three days before the big Dorothy moment, I sprained my ankle on dog poop. All I can say is using a hedge to wipe dog dirt off your rollerskated foot while balancing on the other rollerskated foot is the highway to an elephantine ankle. But the show goes on and my street performance as Dorothy went ahead, despite the agony. There was a standing ovation, no less. Perhaps it was pity applause for my perky little peanuts caught up in a Beaufort number twelve. Or maybe it was because the Munchkins got distracted and sat on their mothers’ laps. Or was it sympathy that I had to hobble down the yellow-bed-sheet-cum-brick-road, leaning on a scarecrow who when he shouted that he needed a brain an audience member (from the house at the end of the street) hollered back, ‘You think you’ve got problems, mate? Dorothy needs a new leg!’ Who knows? Who cares? My ankle was leaden but the feather lightness of my boobs was liberating. I didn’t have to worry about my baps popping out of the apron. Nor did I think for one second that they’d zoom over my shoulder like calamine-lotion-coloured ear muffs. I was small down there and hey, it was okay. No, it was better than okay. I was cool with it.
That night, just like my girl crush Dorothy, I discovered that you can spend your whole life searching for something only to realise that what you desire is right back where you started. That’s the big and small of it. From that point on I decided to embrace my boobs, whatever their size. I treated my puppies like Toto: loved them, kept them safe, stroked them on occasion, and allowed them a special kennel in my heart. And if I was ever in doubt about their brilliance, I clicked my slingbacks three times and repeated: ‘There’s no boobs like mine. There’s no boobs like mine. There’s no boobs like mine.’
CLAUDIA WINKLEMAN
‘Has he latched on?’
Um, excuse me? As in, attached? As in like a latch on a door? To what exactly? Do I tie him to the bed? The curtains? Come again? Wait, don’t leave. You asked me something confusing. He’s small, he’s perfect. Latched? Have you seen his little feet? No, don’t start commenting on the weather. You seem to have uttered something important. I’m wearing bandages all over my stomach, I haven’t slept in forty-eight hours, I seem to be covered in my own sick. I haven’t called my friends. He’s got the cutest nose and we’re not sure what we’re going to call him but you seem to have said something vital. Latched? Like a pincer? Hold on. Come back.
‘Sorry, love. I mean latched, as in has he started drinking your milk?’
MILK? Oh, I hadn’t got to that section of the ‘what to do when you’re pregnant’ book. I see, so that’s what they’re for…
That was March 17th 2003. As a young person I had thought my boobs were for making boys fancy me, I thought that ‘getting them out’ was a way to attract others. I thought that having big round bouncy boobs was the actual answer. Like everyone else I thought a Wonderbra would make all the difference. I wore big bras, red bras, skinny-strap 70s triangular bras. I flattened my breasts so I could look all fashion and cool and I threw real chicken fillets (they only really smell if you use them more than twice) under them so that I could lift and separate and make the tops all wobbly. And here I was a hundred years later and I was working out the pure and real magic of a boob.
He did latch on and he suckled and drained and squeaked and got all full up and then he would sleep on my neck like a little drunkard. Girls and boys, boobs are brilliant. Mainly because you can whip them out and feed a baby – at Café Rouge (April 2007), at the cinema (apologies to the people next to us at Bad Santa but I thought the snuffling didn’t totally ruin the movie) and at the airport when you’ve been delayed nine hours (no, Iberia, I still haven’t totally forgiven you).
Breasts are excellent. And if you don’t believe me – ask my kids.
Benjamin’s Breasts
BENJAMIN ZEPHANIAH
Benjamin was eleven.
One day,
As he checked out his willy,
He found he had breasts.
Benjamin was confused.
His mum told him he was a boy,
But Benjamin thought –
Only girls have titties.
Benjamin was not going to tell anybody.
He kept it a secret.
But then his breasts got bigger and bigger.
And then they got even bigger.
Benjamin was upset.
At night, before sleeping he cursed his breasts.
He thought breasts were supposed to feel nice,
But Benjamin’s breasts began to hurt.
Benjamin was getting ready for football
In the school changing room,
And all the boys started to laugh at his breasts.
Benjamin began to hate his breasts.
Benjamin was sure he was becoming a girl –
A girl with some boy bits.
So Benjamin told his mum,
And she told the doctor.
Benjamin was told that he had
Gynecomastia,
‘Gyne-co-whatia?’ he asked.
‘Such a big word,’ he said.
Maybe big tits need big words, he thought.
Benjamin was excused from swimming.
Benjamin was excused from PE.
Benjamin was always excusing himself from girls.
Benjamin was always excusing himself from boys.
Benjamin was told he must have an operation.
His two breasts were sliced.
Just around the nipples,
So no one could see.
Benjamin was happy then.
He began to play football,
He began looking at girls’ breasts,
But he never did learn to swim.
Benjamin was a poet,
He forgot about his breasts,
With his nipples that do nothing.
Because all men have them.
Benjamin was forty.
One day,
As he checked out his willy,
He found he had a breast.
Benjamin was unhappy.
One of his breasts had grown back.
The doctor said he had
Gynecomastia,
Again.
Just one this time.
Benjamin was told he must have an operation.
One breast was sliced.
Not around the nipple (like before).
Right around the muscle, for all to see.
Benjamin was told the doctor had no choice.
Slight complications.
Benjamin was not going to tell anybody.
He kept it a secret.
Benjamin was doing stuff
With his girlfriend. (She had breasts).
She looked at Benjamin’s breast and asked –
‘How did you get that scar?’
‘I got it in a fight in Brixton,’ said Benjamin.
‘You poor
thing,’ she replied. ‘Let me rub it.’
‘It’s nothing,’ said Benjamin.
‘You should see the other guy.’
Benjamin was wondering,
How will she feel when she reads this book?
CONTRIBUTOR BIOGRAPHIES
MAUDE APATOW
Maude Apatow is a student, actress and writer. Her work has appeared on websites such as Rookiemag, HelloGiggles, and Teen Vogue. She co-starred in the films Knocked Up and This Is 40. She is addicted to technology even though she knows it’s destroying her.
EDITH BOWMAN
Edith has been at Radio 1 since 2003 and also became part of the BBC 6Music family in 2012. She’s a massive music fan and fanatical gig goer. Her love and passion for film has allowed her to interview some of the biggest and most important names in film both for her radio shows and many TV specials.
Other work has included BBC’s coverage of Glastonbury, T In The Park, Reading and Leeds, BBC Two’s Rough Guide to the World, Sky One’s Big Bash Comedy Awards, RISE for Channel 4 and hosting the BAFTA film awards red carpet for BBC Three for the past five years.
AMANDA BYRAM
Amanda Byram is one of Ireland’s biggest exports. In 1999 she began presenting the TV3 morning show in Ireland, and she then moved to British TV, hosting The Big Breakfast on Channel 4. Amanda currently hosts Total Wipeout for CBBC, which was voted Best Gameshow at the 2010 TV Choice Awards.
2012 saw Amanda present two exciting new shows for SKY1: The Angel and Don’t Stop Me Now. Amanda was also part of the team including Denise van Outen and Fearne Cotton that trekked Machu Picchu to raise awareness for Breast Cancer Care, which was documented for ITV2.
MELANIE C
Melanie C has released six solo albums. She achieved over three million album sales as well as reuniting with the Spice Girls on tour. Her theatrical debut in the West End show Blood Brothers was well received by critics; earning five-star reviews, a nomination for Best Actress in a Musical at the prestigious Laurence Olivier Awards, and Evening Standard Theatre Awards shortlist for the Milton Shulman Award for Outstanding Newcomer.
Whilst working on album number five, Andrew Lloyd Webber asked Melanie to join Superstar, the primetime TV show looking for the new Jesus to star in the UK and Ireland arena tour of Jesus Christ Superstar. She took the role of Mary during the arena tour alongside Tim Minchin as Judas Iscariot.
AMANDA DE CADENET
As a television personality, renowned photographer and entrepreneur, Amanda de Cadenet has evolved her body of work with an intriguing perspective and uncanny ability to render the truth across the art of storytelling.
Currently, de Cadenet can be seen as the host of The Conversation with Amanda de Cadenet, an ambitious series that aims to explore, nurture and empower the modern woman through thought-provoking discussions and candid interviews with notable female personalities. Beyond hosting her interview series, de Cadenet is also a renowned fashion and portrait photographer who garnered critical attention as the youngest woman to shoot a Vogue magazine cover. Having photographed many of the most influential figures across pop culture, de Cadenet is best known for her intimate portraits of women which reflect her eye for true beauty from behind the lens. De Cadenet’s work can also be seen in the glossy pages of publications like Harper’s Bazaar, as well as in her published ten-year compendium, Rare Birds, which documents and humanises her encounters with a variety of pop culture icons. Originally from the UK, de Cadenet currently resides in Los Angeles with her husband and three children.
GEMMA CAIRNEY
Gemma Cairney currently presents the weekend breakfast show on BBC Radio 1 and hosted the 2013 BBC Three live Glastonbury coverage alongside Greg James. She presented BBC Radio 1Xtra’s Breakfast Show with Trevor Nelson, for which they picked up a Silver Sony award in 2010 for Best National Breakfast Show, and her BBC Radio 1 documentary, Bruising Silence, won a Sony Gold Award at the Sony Radio Academy Awards 2013 for Best Documentary or Feature.
Gemma presented her first BBC Three documentary, The Riots: The Aftermath. Her second documentary for the channel, Dying for Clear Skin, highlighted the damaging effect of skin conditions and the risk of depression caused by treatment medication. Gemma was also seen on the channel’s debate show, Free Speech, discussing issues such as benefits, body image and road safety for cyclists.
Gemma has recently finished a series on the History of Feminism for BBC Learning, which aired on BBC Two in May 2013.
SARA COX
Despite her self-confessed ‘knock knees’, Bolton lass Sara left school with four A-levels for a career in modelling and was soon scouted for television. Since her first TV job in 1994, she’s been all over the telly – from show-jumping reality show Only Fools And Horses and Top Of The Pops to MTV and Channel 4 shows like The Big Breakfast. Sara joined Radio 1 in 1999 where she co-hosted the Saturday lunchtime show, followed by the Breakfast Show.
As well as raising her three children she can now be found hosting radio shows across both Radio 1 and Radio 2 as well as popping up on various shows including Have I Got News For You. She also has a weekly column in the Sunday Mirror magazine, Notebook.
JAMES DAWSON
James Dawson is the award-nominated author of dark teen thrillers Hollow Pike, Cruel Summer and Say Her Name (Hot Key Books – May 2014). He grew up in West Yorkshire, writing imaginary episodes of Doctor Who. He later turned his talent to journalism, interviewing luminaries such as Steps and Atomic Kitten before writing a weekly serial in a Brighton newspaper.
Until recently, James worked as a teacher, specialising in PSHCE and behaviour. He is most proud of his work surrounding bullying and family diversity. His first non-fiction book, Being a Boy (Red Lemon Press) tackles puberty, sex and relationships in a frank and funny fashion.
James writes full time and lives in south London. In his spare time, he STILL loves Doctor Who and is a keen follower of horror films and connoisseur of pop music.
LAURA DOCKRILL
Not only author and illustrator of the Darcy Burdock series (Random House), Mistakes In The Background, Ugly Shy Girl and Echoes (Harper Collins), Laura also resurrects her words on the stage, performing poetry and short stories spanning festivals to bookshops; from the E4 Udderbelly, Latitude Festival and Glastonbury to the London Literary Festival, 5x15 and the BBC Proms. Named one of the top ten literary talents by The Times and one of the top twenty hot faces to watch by ELLE magazine, Laura continues to stir up the literary universe with her passionate, contemporary and imaginative way with words. She has performed her work on CBeebies, Newsnight, BBC Breakfast, Woman’s Hour and each of the BBC’s respective radio channels 1–6, and has been commissioned by Radio 1, 2 and 4. Laura is on the advisory panel at The Ministry Of Stories, has judged the John Betjeman Poetry Prize, is embarking on her fourth year of mentoring with the charity First Story and has been a BAFTA judge. She is currently working on her second book in the Darcy Burdock series, working on a film script and song writing (for others, of course!).
JENNY ECLAIR
Jenny Eclair is a stand-up comic and writer. She is the author of three novels: Camberwell Beauty, Having a Lovely Time and Life, Death and Vanilla Slices. She has also had a number of comedy books published including Chin Up, Britain and Wendy: The Bumper Book of Fun for Women of a Certain Age.
She pops up on the telly now and then and can sometimes be heard losing Just a Minute on Radio 4. Other radio writing credits include On Baby St and Twilight Baby.
She was an intrepid contestant on ITV’s I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here, coming third in 2010.
Having appeared on the BBC’s Grumpy Old Women series, she co-wrote two Grumpy Old Women Live shows, both of which went into the West End. A third live show is in production.
SOPHIE ELLIS-BEXTOR
Sophie Ellis-Bextor is a singer, songwriter and model, widely known to the British public for the past fifteen years, and has earned a place amongst pop royalty as a legendary and quintessentiall
y British siren and starlet. Having performed throughout her childhood and teenage years, Sophie’s break came with the indie rock band Theaudience in the late 90s. A couple of years later, returning to music as a solo artist, she shot straight to number one in the UK charts with her debut solo single ‘Groovejet’.
Sophie has since achieved international success, releasing four top-selling albums. 2013 sees the release of her fifth album, produced by singer-songwriter Ed Harcourt. The album sees Sophie take a decidedly different musical direction.
Sophie is married to The Feeling bassist Richard Jones. The couple have three children.
CAROLINE FLACK
Caroline Flack is best known for hosting the hugely popular Xtra Factor alongside Olly Murs. She anchored two series of I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here Now and Gladiators for Sky One alongside Ian Wright.
A huge music fan, Caroline presented her own seven-part series for ITV2, Indigo2, where she interviewed some of the biggest names in the music industry. She co-hosted the Capital FM Breakfast Show and provided amusing banter as Johnny Vaughan’s morning sidekick. Her love for music translated perfectly into presenting E4’s Music Zones. Caroline spends her free time DJing and attending festivals. Originally from Norfolk, Caroline trained as an actress and dancer before focusing her energies on TV presenting.
KRISTIN HALLENGA
The Booby Trap and Other Bits and Boobs Page 15