Margot the Agent continued to call every Wednesday, presumably out of boredom, and I continued to tell her I was writing a mystery. She maintained that there is no market for them. I asked how that would be different from anything else I’d ever written, and Margot suddenly remembered a veterinarian appointment for her Pekinese.
I hadn’t actually indulged in a full-blown midlife crisis yet, but I was getting concerned about my way of making a living. I’ve seen fifty-year-old freelancers, and they’re a sorry lot—begging editors half their age for jobs, and showing up at press junkets strictly for the free food. It’s not the kind of thing one sees as an attractive Golden Years option.
Even so, it took me by surprise when at dinner one night, after the kids had retreated to the living room to watch Kablam!—it’s an animated TV comedy —my wife said, “you know, you turned out to be a pretty good detective after all.”
“Oh, I dunno,” I said. “If the murder victim and the murderer hadn’t actually come looking for me, I probably would have slept through the whole thing.”
Abby started clearing dishes from the table, and I got up to help. I opened the dishwasher, which was full, but hadn’t yet run. Typical.
“Yeah, but you maneuvered the killer into coming after you. And the victim called because you were doing too good a job. Not to mention, you solved the mystery of the barbecue sauce obscenity all by yourself,” she said.
Bending to get the dishwasher detergent from under the sink, I stopped. “Now, how did you find out about that last little item?” I asked.
“Ethan told me.”
Shaking my head, I poured the liquid into the little holes in the dishwasher door, then closed it and started the dishwasher. “I specifically told that kid not to mention it to you,” I said.
“This is Ethan we’re talking about. You know Ethan,” said Abby as I put the dishwasher liquid away and moved the dirty dishes from the countertop to the sink.
“Yeah, I know Ethan.”
She turned from the table, which she had just wiped down with a sponge. “I still think that showed some investigative skill,” Abby said.
I put my hand on my hip and looked at her. “What are you trying to tell me?” I asked. “That you think this is a promising career opportunity for me?”
“Not if people with guns are going to keep coming after you,” she said. “The next time, you might not think to keep Jeff Mahoney in the closet.”
My lips pursed involuntarily, and I let some air out through them. “Very nice,” I said.
Abby came over and put her arms around me, throwing the sponge into the sink behind my back. “It was just a thought,” she said.
“A thought,” I said. “You really want to be married to a private dick?”
She gave me a tight hug, and looked into my eyes. “Better than a public one,” she said.
Praise for Minivan
“Jeff Cohen’s Minivan rolls merrily along—accent on the merrily. Mr. Cohen’s ideas on marriage and murder (often cut from two ends of the same bolt) are wise, wicked, and witty. Surprisingly tender, too, regarding the responsibilities and trials of being a parent—fathering a delightful book in the process.”
—Larry Gelbart, Writer (M*A*S*H, Tootsie, Oh, God!, Bedazzled, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, Barbarians at the Gate, etc.)
“Jeffrey Cohen’s For Whom The Minivan Rolls is hot. An authentically fun switch on the oft-used amateur sleuth theme, it debuts Aaron Tucker, a suburban stay-at-home dad who never asked to become a detective. Witty, with great characters and nifty twists, it should delight mystery fans, and, above all, anyone who enjoys a good puzzle and big laughs. His wife and kids may not realize it, but Aaron Tucker (and his creator) have glistening new careers ahead of them.”
—Tom Sawyer, Novelist & Former Head Writer, “Murder, She Wrote”
“In my long and semi-illustrious career, I have been beaten to various literary punches by lots of dead white guys and by lots of others who, pending test results, are still alive. Among them is Jeffrey Cohen, who has written a comic mystery novel that is (a) comic, (b) mysterious, and (c) a novel. For Whom the Minivan Rolls had me rolling, which is no mean feat considering I don’t drive a minivan. At least now I won’t have to bother writing a comic mystery novel because I couldn’t do it nearly as well as Mr. Cohen. His book is great. I could put it down, and sometimes did, but I didn’t want to.”
— Jerry Zezima, Humorist, Journalist, & Public Nuisance
“Author Jeffrey Cohen has written a sly, entertaining mystery whose twist-laden plot will truly puzzle and entertain. The voice of his protagonist, Aaron Tucker, is unique and delightful. And above all, his Minivan is immensely funny.”
—Michael Levine, Hollywood Publicist and best-selling author of 12 books.
“For Whom the Minivan Rolls is not just a humorous look into American suburbia and what happens when a freelance reporter is asked to solve a local murder. It is a fresh, modern-day murder mystery with real-life, quirky characters that range from eccentric, obscure, and spirited to witty, guilty, and just plain nosy. Liberally infused with humor, it all beautifully blends together into great entertainment. You’ll enjoy it so much you may even want to try visiting the story’s fictional setting—Midland Heights, New Jersey.”
—Chrissy Blumenthal, Vice President of Production, Escape Artists (Sony Pictures)
“How rare! Minivan was as enjoyable as they said it would be, and then some: good, tight story, humorously told by a fictional character I actually cared about. If author Jeffrey Cohen isn’t soon spinning a published Aaron Tucker tale once a year for the next bunch of years, I’ve been wasting my time reading five mysteries a week for the past two decades.”
—Rita Bortz, Hollywood, FL
“Aaron Tucker—aspiring screenwriter, loving house-hubby, and doting father— protests that he could never become a detective. Yet, he’s wrong. He’s nothing less than the consummate snoop, and makes up for his lack of investigative experience with canine-like persistence and a bloodhound’s instinct for following a crime trail. Jeffrey Cohen has managed to write a mystery that is not only full of engaging characters, but features the likeable and witty voice of Aaron Tucker, who is (doggone it) naturally humorous. His For Whom The Minivan Rolls is thus an engrossing, entertaining read. That it’s a first novel makes me think and hope that we’ll soon be hearing a lot more from Jeffrey Cohen, and Aaron Tucker as well!”
—Elliott Light, author of Lonesome Song and Chain Thinking, the first two book-length installments in his critically acclaimed “Shep Harrington Smalltown Mystery” Series
“I thought I’d sit down one night and read Jeffrey Cohen’s Minivan for just an hour or so, but then I couldn’t stop myself, and went on reading until the finish. It’s a remarkably funny, twisted tale of murder and mayhem. Aaron Tucker is you, me, and everyman. And I can’t wait to read his next adventure!” —Lou Grantt, Editor, Hollywood Scriptwriter, the trade paper for screenwriters
“What fun! Minivan is a crackerjack mystery with a prize inside: it’s laugh-out-loud funny to boot! How can you not like a detective who has to carpool? Or worry with equal effort about dinner, murder, and checking his kids’ homework? It’s a great setting and a great crew of characters, and I hope Aaron Tucker’s lack of success with screenplays translates into a long and full career solving crime with wit and whine.”
—Dan Fiorella, roving editor, Cracked magazine, and contributing writer, “Prairie Home Companion”
“Pick up Jeffrey Cohen’s For Whom the Minivan Rolls and you get a funny, quirky, insightful look into human nature wrapped around that rarest of all things: a good story, well told.”
— Cary Solomon and Chuck Konzelman, principals, Numenorean Films
“As the mother of a teenage son with Asperger Syndrome and President of ASPEN,® I am especially sensitive to any portrayal of the disorder. In For Whom the Minivan Rolls, Jeff Cohen has done a wonderful job of conveying the lovable quirki
ness that’s so often a part of these children and the day-to-day living that goes with it. It’s the laughter that gets you through the day, and Jeff has certainly shown us how interesting life can be for the family of a child with Asperger Syndrome! Aside from all that, though, Minivan was the first book I had read in a very long time that I absolutely could not put down and that I thoroughly enjoyed. I was hooked into the story line right from the beginning and looked forward to turning each page to find out what next plot twist was in store. The only thing better would be a movie based on the book, or the next installment in the series, which I’m anxiously awaiting.”
— Lori Shery, Co-Founder and President, Asperger Syndrome Education Network, Inc. (ASPEN®)
“I thoroughly enjoyed Minivan, which is replete with LOLLs (Laugh Out Loud Lines). Some of my favorites: a) When receiving a threatening phone call, Aaron Tucker answers, ‘Who is this?’, as if the caller would actually identify himself. b) ‘It would never occur to a New Jersey driver to park his car, even when trailing a pedestrian.’ c) ‘It’s hard to be macho when avoiding unnecessary carbohydrates’; d) ‘It’s better to get killed than sued.’ So as not to overindulge myself as a blurber, and to avoid author complaints, I’ll stop there. Suffice it to say, Jeffrey Cohen has written a very funny story and infused it with an awful lot of laugh-out-loud material!” —John Homans, aka Wilber Winkle, author of Wilber Winkle Has a Complaint
“I loved For Whom The Minivan Rolls. The characters were quirky and endearing, the plot kept me guessing, and the jokes were funny. I hope Aaron Tucker has a good, long career of not being a private investigator, so he can come back in more books like this one.”
— Marcy Gross, Gross-Weston Productions, Inc.
“Bringing a new and upbeat voice to the much-populated mystery scene, author Jeff Cohen has succeeded in doing what many another writer knows not even to attempt— tell an engaging mystery in a humorous way. Minivan is thus not only an easy read, but a breath of fresh air for all of us desperate to briefly escape the real world. It thoroughly entertained me for the few hours it took to read it.”
—Shauna Kelley, student, Goucher College
“This book is a hoot. I laughed. I didn’t know who dunnit. It made me want to tell other people to read it. Here’s a hero who shows his mettle by moving away from the buffet table, and by making those little extra efforts to be a good dad and husband that most men don’t bother with any more. When he puts himself on the line, it isn’t just another day at the office. And you talk about sexy—give me a man who fills up the dishwasher and I’m there. I not only like that, I want to know more! I hardly ever read fiction any more because it’s just no fun. . . I prefer true crime personally. But this Jeff Cohen is a different sort of egg who might turn me into a ‘mystery junkie’ even though I swore no one ever would. Please consider this my highest endorsement for a fine read and good story, with plenty of mirth on the side.”
—Phyllis Murphy,story editor, NBC’s “Profiler,” and personal friend of Ted L. Nancy (Author, “Letters from a Nut”)
“With Minivan, Jeff Cohen takes the mystery genre and stirs in a generous helping of laughs. He’s created a character whose voice is as much fun as the story he’s telling. After only a couple hundred pages, Aaron Tucker already feels like an old friend. I’m looking forward to spending a lot more time with him.”
—Ian Abrams, creator of the TV series “Early Edition,” and head of the Drexel University dramatic writing program
“Minivan is a delightful and diverting read. Its chief character, Aaron Tucker, amusingly reminds me of John Corey, Nelson Demille’s smart-alecky NYPD homicide cop. I find Demille’s stuff to be great and irresistible fun. Likewise Minivan!”
—Dr. Ellen Taylor, Pikesville, MD
“Against his better judgment, a short, middle-aged, Jewish family man and freelance writer gets tossed into his first detective work, whereupon he must tap into every resource he knows to keep his head above water. It’s so hard to write funny. For me, a true mysteryholic, finding a really funny mystery writer is something to tell the world about. Jeff Cohen, where have you been all these years?”
—Ginny Levin, President, Oheb Shalom Sisterhood, Batlimore, MD
Author’s Note
First of all, I’d like to thank the Academy and all the little people who made me what I am today. It’s not easy being a first-time author, but luckily, you only have to do it once.
There are a few people I would like to acknowledge by name, however: first of all, to Jessica, Josh, and Evie, thanks for letting me borrow their personalities and exaggerate them so Aaron would have a story to tell. And to Jeff Pollitzer, for being much too good a best friend not to write about.
Thanks to my mother, for instilling in me a love of a good story and the thrill of reading, and to my father, who loved mysteries. I wish he could have read this one. To my brother, thanks for taking my writing seriously way back when.
Of course, thank you to Bruce Bortz, for taking a first-time author and making him a published author, and for raising his own concerns and listening to mine.
To voters for the Edgar Awards: the checks are in the mail, but don’t let that sway you. They’ll probably bounce anyway.
There are people in the town where I live (and don’t think for a second I’m going to tell you where that is) who will recognize themselves in this book. With the exceptions I’ve mentioned above, they are all dead wrong; I made everybody up. But hopefully, they’ll still buy the book to find that out.
I’d like to express my gratitude to everyone who encouraged me to write this book, but since nobody knew I was working on it, that would be a very short list. Aaron’s story was originally going to be a screenplay, so I’d like to thank all the producers who wouldn’t have bought it for convincing me I should write a novel instead.
For general encouragement, thanks to Lou Grantt, Ken Walz, my agent Amy Winokur, Judy Storch, Leonard Nimoy (although I’m sure he wouldn’t remember), Marcy Gross, Ann Weston, Chrissy Blumenthal, and all my writer friends at PAGE.
And because I can’t say it enough, thanks to my wonderful wife for believing in me, even when she shouldn’t.
About the Author
Author Jeffrey Cohen has been a full-time freelance writer/reporter for 16 years, and has written more than 20 feature-length screenplays. His work has been published in The New York Times, TV Guide, and Entertainment Weekly, among many others, and his screenplays have been optioned by Jim Henson Productions, CBS, and Gross-Weston Productions, among others.
He lives in New Jersey, with his wife and two children.
He is a graduate of Rutgers, the State University of New Jersey.
For Whom The Minivan Rolls, Cohen’s first novel, is the first in a planned series of Aaron Tucker Mysteries.
Table of Contents
Part One: Searching
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Part Two: Finding
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
&n
bsp; Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
For Whom the Minivan Rolls Page 24