by Cara Malone
Ruby finished her speech and sat down, and Max kept her eyes fixed on her notebook. Mira asked the candidates for treasurer to give their prepared remarks, and Max spent the rest of the hour trying to keep her face perfectly neutral. It was ironic that her whole life had revolved around imitating the emotional spectrum of others, and now that she needed her stoicism the most, it was a struggle to find.
CHAPTER 22
Ruby hadn’t meant to get so caught up in her speech. She only needed to fill the group in on Max’s decision to drop out, but it was second nature for her to take charge when she was in front of a group. So she talked and smiled and ended up telling them all about her experience as Delta Zeta president.
She got absorbed in the task, and it wasn’t until she was sitting back down in her chair that she noticed Max had her arms crossed over her chest. She looked irritated and Ruby tried to shoot her a questioning look, but Max refused to make eye contact. There was nothing Ruby could do from across the table, so she turned her attention to the front of the room where the next person was delivering his speech and tried to forget about the sour look on Max’s face.
Ruby’s hand went reflexively to her phone after a minute or two. She told herself that she was merely checking the time, making sure that the meeting didn’t run over and she wouldn’t be late for Professor McDermott’s class, but really she wanted to know if Megan had sent any more texts.
They talked for hours the previous night, until Ruby was nodding off with the phone against her shoulder. It was awkward at first, and heart-rending, trying to talk to Megan like a friend instead of an ex-lover.
Megan told her about medical school, and her classes, and how hard it was to make friends when everyone in your program thinks of you as an adversary to be beaten in the gradebooks. Ruby talked about library school and the fascinating history of librarianship in the era of Andrew Carnegie, and she told Megan about running for GLiSS president. The one thing she never did was tell her about Max.
It didn’t seem relevant, and on a deeper level that Ruby wasn’t quite willing to bring to the surface, it felt like a betrayal. To whom? She didn’t want to think about the answer.
Toward the end of the night, when Ruby’s eyelids were growing heavy despite her best efforts to stay on the line, Megan admitted that the Northwestern campus was a shadow of its former glory without all the DZ girls, and without Ruby.
“I’m lonely, Ru-Ru,” she said just before they parted ways, her voice catching slightly in her throat.
“Talk to you again tomorrow?” Ruby had asked, trying not to let too much hope creep into her words.
“Yeah,” Megan said. “I’ll text you in the morning.”
Ruby waited all day for that promise to come to fruition, but her phone had remained quiet. She was determined not to be the pursuer – after their breakup, it had to come from Megan – but that didn’t stop her from obsessively checking her phone. As the treasury hopeful wrapped up his speech, her inbox was still empty and Ruby slipped her phone back into her pocket, trying not to feel too disappointed.
She spent the rest of the meeting making up excuses for Megan in her head, and when Mira finally called the meeting to a close, she realized that she’d missed the majority of the speeches. Looking at the clock, Ruby also saw that the meeting ran long and Professor McDermott’s class started in two minutes.
She hated being late, and after she and Max brought so much attention on themselves in the last session with their juvenile note-passing, she didn’t want to garner any more of the instructor’s attention. She glanced over at Max, who was still pointedly avoiding her gaze, then left her behind in favor of making it to class on time. Ruby thought there was a good chance they’d get stuck sitting together again since everything but the front row seemed to fill up quickly, and she could ask Max what was bothering her then.
But Max didn’t come to Information Theory. Ruby rushed into the room just as Professor McDermott was beginning his lecture, sliding as inconspicuously as possible into one of the desks at the head of the room. She kept her eye on the door as she fished her laptop out of her bag, but Max never showed up.
This seemed so out of character for her that Ruby didn’t know what to make of it – Max wasn’t the type to skip class, and Ruby had no idea why she’d been giving her the stink-eye the whole the she gave her speech to GLiSS. Had she said something inadvertently offensive?
Ruby wished for the first time that she’d taken the time to exchange phone numbers with Max. She’d avoided it up to this point because she didn’t want Max to be able to call her or make plans – in order to avoid the panicked feeling that rose in her chest whenever Max wanted to cuddle, their hook-ups had to be as spontaneous as possible. But she had to admit it would be nice if she could send Max a text right now asking her why she wasn’t in class.
It must have to do with the presidency – Max told Ruby she wanted to give it to her, but perhaps she’d had second thoughts watching Ruby standing up in front of the group and accepting the position. She shouldn’t have given her speech, or maybe she shouldn’t have spoken for Max, but she thought that she was doing her a favor when Mira looked to Max and she froze.
Max also said once upon a time that relationships were bullshit, and Ruby was starting to think that she couldn’t take everything Max said at face value after all.
It was close to the end of class when Ruby felt her phone vibrating in the outside pocket of her backpack, buzzing against her leg. At first she thought of Max, and when she remembered the impossibility of that, she hoped that it was Megan – just twelve hours late.
Ruby fished the phone out of her bag and sure enough, Megan’s name flashed across her screen. For a split second her stomach clenched, and then she felt relieved – Megan would have an explanation for why it took her so long to get back to her, and everything would be like it had been last night on the phone. She craved that feeling – she needed it.
Ruby unlocked her phone and read the string of messages that were coming through, her heart beating faster with each one.
Hey, Ru-Ru. Just sitting here all alone and thinking about you.
Remember that time we took a spontaneous trip to the dunes and skinny-dipped in Lake Michigan because we didn’t think to bring bathing suits?
I miss those days.
…what do you think of me taking a spontaneous trip?
Ruby’s heart all but stopped in her chest as she read this last message. A spontaneous trip - was she talking about coming to Granville?
Sparing a quick glance at poor Professor McDermott, whose lectures were turning into nothing but background noise for her drama, Ruby put her fingers to the screen. Her pulse was pounding in her ears and she didn’t know what to say. After a minute or two of considering, she typed, Here?
It felt like an eternity passed between her text and Megan’s reply, and Ruby was starting to wonder if Megan had lost interest and wandered away from her phone when the answer finally came:
Yeah.
I want to see what the big fuss is about GSU.
Ruby suddenly felt like her stomach was trying to climb into her throat, and she had no idea why. Before graduation last year, she’d been imagining how energizing it would be to spend her weekends with Megan – driving back and forth to each other on odd weeks. Even though Granville and Evanston weren’t the most exciting places in the world, and neither city would seem interesting after such long hours in the car, it would be magical to experience them with Megan after such long absences.
Ruby’s heart was pounding out its desire to see Megan again, but she realized with sorrow that she couldn’t look forward to a visit from her with unbridled enthusiasm anymore – not after Megan dashed all of that magic against the rocks this summer.
With a sigh, she answered, There’s no fuss at GSU.
That’s not true. You’re there.
Yes, Ruby was tempted to punch into her keyboard, I’m here and you’re at Northwestern, just like you wanted it to
be.
She hadn’t consulted Ruby, or asked her how much work she was willing to put into a long-distance relationship. They hadn’t talked about their needs – Megan just made the decision for both of them and expected Ruby to be okay with the fact that she was tearing her world apart.
Ruby could feel herself tearing up and brushed aside a few stray drops of moisture from the corner of her eye. She wouldn’t be that girl who cries in the middle of a lecture over her ex-girlfriend. She couldn’t do that any more than she could tell Megan off in a text message.
Instead, she answered back with a single word.
When?
Maybe if Megan came to Granville and Ruby saw her one more time, she could get the closure that she hadn’t gotten this summer. Maybe she could get over her. Maybe they could start to rebuild the friendship that predated their star-crossed love. Or maybe Megan would realize that they had something worth fighting for. Either way, something final would come out of it. Megan’s reply came, the phone vibrating against Ruby’s palm.
This weekend. I want to see you.
Ruby hovered her fingers over the screen, considering her response. How badly had Megan wanted to see her when she decided their relationship wasn’t worth the bother of a couple hundred miles? But Ruby could feel her resolve weakening, and all she wanted was a chance to go back to the way things used to be, when she was happy.
After a moment of contemplation, during which her head started to spin slightly with all of the emotions churning inside of her, she realized that as much as she wanted to, she couldn’t discount Max in all of this.
Even though she was closer than ever to rekindling things with her girlfriend of six years, Ruby couldn’t stop thinking about the way that Max had scowled at her during her speech. She didn’t want Max to be mad at her, and she didn’t want her to start skipping classes on her behalf, if that was what happened. She drove Ruby crazy nine times out of ten, and yet there was something so undeniable about her.
Ruby dropped the phone back into her bag without answering.
CHAPTER 23
Max didn’t go to Information Theory after the GLiSS meeting let out. Instead, she went up to the fifth floor faculty offices to catch her academic advisor before he left for the day. She dashed up the stairwell and managed to catch him just as he was locking his office door.
“Professor Flint?” She called as she came up the hall, feeling out of breath and the reason wasn’t just the exertion of climbing the stairs two at a time.
“Yes?” He asked, watching Max rush toward him with a touch of alarm. The library science department faculty probably didn’t have much cause for emergency advisement sessions, and Max guessed that this was an unusual sight for him.
“I need to talk to you,” she said. “Do you have a minute?”
“Well, that depends,” he answered slowly. “Who are you?”
“Sorry,” Max said, brushing her palm against the thigh of her jeans because she felt flushed ever since she listened to Ruby giving her acceptance speech. Then she held out her hand to Flint. “I’m Maxine Saddler, one of your advisees. We talked a few times via email over the summer.”
“Oh yes,” he said, “I remember – the double Master’s. Library science and user experience design, correct?”
“That’s right,” Max said.
“Well, as you can see, I was about to leave for the day,” Flint said, gesturing to the briefcase in his hand and the coat slung over his arm. “Could we make an appointment, perhaps for tomorrow?”
“I really need to talk to you as soon as possible,” Max said.
Panic had started rising up in her as she put the pieces of Ruby’s deception together during the GLiSS meeting, and by now her heart was thudding in her chest. She was questioning every moment of her first few weeks of grad school, and it felt like the world had gone sideways. None of her interactions with Ruby had been sincere, she’d been hoodwinked out of the GLiSS presidency, and she wasn’t doing all that well in her classes thanks to all the distractions. In short, Max didn’t know who she was anymore, and she desperately needed her advisor to set her on the path to academic excellence again – the only road she’d ever known before she met Ruby and it all fell apart. Flint couldn’t solve problems of the heart, but maybe he could at least sort out Max’s academic life.
Fortunately, he seemed to register the panic in her eyes, so with a sigh he unlocked his office and held the door open for Max to enter, muttering, “I guess you better come in, then. But we’ll have to make it quick – my wife’s got a meatloaf in the oven.”
“Okay,” Max agreed. She went over to a well-worn leather chair in front of a rich mahogany desk and sat down.
Flint leaned against the desk, his briefcase and coat still in hand, to indicate that this was going to be a fast meeting. “What seems to be the problem?”
“I have to drop out of GLiSS,” Max said. “And maybe my Information Theory class, too. How would it affect my class standing if I took it next semester instead?”
“That would most likely be a problem,” Flint said with a frown. “It’s a foundational class and a pre-requisite for a lot of the other classes in your program, so I wouldn’t recommend taking it in your second semester unless you’re prepared to graduate later, as well.”
“I can’t do that,” Max said, her heart giving another uncomfortable jolt in her chest. The thought of graduating late was intolerable, a black mark on her resume that she was not willing to endure. Anger started to boil up in the back of her throat like acid – how did she let a stupid crush get so out of control that it was now threatening to derail her academically as well as emotionally?
“Well, then you have no choice but to finish the class this semester,” Flint said, his tone never changing from the practical, slightly inconvenienced old professor’s voice. “Are you in danger of failing the course?”
“No,” Max said, “nothing like that.”
“Then may I ask what prompted this sudden change of heart?”
Max looked down at her scuffed Converse. She was twenty-three years old and working on two Master’s degrees – the last thing she wanted to do was admit to her academic advisor that she was having problems in class because of a girl. It sounded so stupid and trivial, and at the same time, Max couldn’t bear the thought of seeing Ruby ever again now that she knew just how insignificant she was to her.
“There’s… a girl,” Max said, her voice barely above a whisper. Those were three words she never thought she’d utter, especially not to her academic advisor. She looked at Flint, who gave her a surprised look at first, but then his expression slowly changed to something Max thought was understanding. It certainly wasn’t judgment, for which she was grateful.
“We’ve all been there, Maxine,” he said with a sigh. “The important thing to remember is that you’re here to get an education, and you can’t let anyone stand in your way. So you got mixed up with someone and it didn’t turn out how you wanted it to – it happens. If she’s in your program then you’re probably going to be seeing more of her whether you want to or not - just focus on your studies and give her a wide berth.”
“I don’t know if that’s possible,” Max said. “We have a project together.”
“Well, then, you’re just going to have to fake it,” Flint said.
“Fake it? The project?”
“No,” he said. “You know the phrase ‘fake it til you make it’? You have to put aside whatever happened between the two of you and pretend it didn’t affect you, at least while you’re working on this project together. Eventually the pain will subside, and in the meantime all you can really do is ignore it.”
“Is that what people do to get over each other?” Max asked, wondering if Flint was sharing another one of those universal rules of love to her when all she’d really come to him for was an alternative to GLiSS for her resume.
“That and drink,” he said with a snort. “Is there anything else?”
“Huh?”<
br />
“I’ve got that meatloaf waiting,” Flint said, standing up from where he was leaning on his desk. “So unless you need anything else…”
“No,” Max said. “I think that’s enough to think about for now. Thanks.”
Flint ushered her out into the hall, and while he locked his office for the second time, Max asked, “So what about GLiSS? I can make it through Information Theory because I have no choice, but I really don’t think I can handle going to extracurriculars where she’s the center of attention.”
“You are taking a double course load,” Flint pointed out. “There’s a professional organization run by the user experience design department, too. Why don’t you check it out?”
“Okay,” Max said. “I will. Thanks, Professor Flint.”
“You’re welcome,” he said a little gruffly, and Max started to walk back down the hall, leaving him to go home to his wife and his meatloaf. Before she got to the elevators, he called, “Maxine?”
She turned around and he tipped his thumb up to his mouth in a drinking motion, then said, “I wasn’t joking about the booze. The best way to get over someone is to go out and meet new people - better people.”
Max wasn’t sure that was the solution she was looking for – despite everything that happened, she couldn’t imagine anyone better than Ruby, and the concept of going to a bar to meet new people was laughable to anyone who actually knew her. She couldn’t fault Flint for trying, though. At least he’d offered her viable solutions to her academic problems.
She glanced at the time on her phone and saw that she could still catch the last hour and fifteen minutes of Information Theory. She’d never skipped a class in her entire life, and she knew Flint was right when he said she shouldn’t let Ruby dictate her academic experience. But when she got into the elevator, she punched the button to take her down to the ground floor. Max was exhausted, and all she wanted tonight was to curl up beneath her weighted blanket and forget the world.