The Way We Were

by Sinéad Moriarty

  ‘In your dreams, Sean. I heard about Declan’s plan. The only thing you’ll be riding is the baseball bat I’ll shove up your arse.’

  Declan roared with laughter. ‘I told you, Ben, they’re all mad.’

  Ben grinned. ‘I feel as if I know them already. Declan talked about you – a lot!’

  Holly and Jools came over. ‘Have my family been talking at you?’ Declan asked. ‘I bet you didn’t get a word in.’

  The girls smiled. ‘They’re lovely and so funny,’ Jools said.

  ‘They swear an awful lot,’ Holly said.

  ‘We all do. It’s feckin’ shocking,’ Billy said, and Holly giggled.

  Declan hugged them both. ‘Girls, your dad bored me to death every day about you. He kept going on and on about how wonderful you are, how beautiful you are, how incredible you are … and you know what? I didn’t believe him until now. You’re a pair of stunners.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Jools said, while Holly went red.

  Quentin Jones approached them. ‘Sorry to interrupt, but the media have got hold of the story. Someone leaked it, so it’s all going to be a bit quicker than we wanted for you. They’re clamouring for a press conference, as you can imagine. Do you think you’d be up to doing one in about an hour? We’ll be there to manage any awkward questions. I think it would be wise as you might have some chance of them leaving you alone if you speak to them now. Otherwise they’ll just camp outside your homes until you do.’

  Ben looked at Declan. They’d talked about this last night. The embassy had told them their story would cause a big fuss. After discussing it, they’d decided to do one press conference, give the whole story, then never speak to another journalist again. With a bit of luck, some other news would crop up and interest in them would blow over quickly.

  ‘They’d like to see you with your wife,’ Quentin went on. ‘How would you feel about photos including Alice?’

  ‘No way,’ Ben said quickly. ‘Declan and I will be interviewed, but our families are to be left out of it. That’ll be the deal.’

  ‘Very well.’ Quentin nodded. ‘I completely understand. We’ve prepared a press statement, asking for privacy so you and your families can readjust. We’ll stress that you want your families left out of all publicity. Hopefully, that wish will be respected.’

  Alice breathed a sigh of relief. The last thing she needed was Dan’s friends seeing her in the morning papers, smiling on her husband’s arm. Her head ached with the web of deceit she was caught up in now.

  ‘Wait! Will there be TV?’ Jools asked.

  ‘Yes,’ Quentin said.

  ‘Is Dad, like, going to be famous?’ Jools’s eyes lit up.

  ‘No,’ Ben said sharply. ‘Declan and I have agreed to do one press conference to get the media off our backs and that is it. End of story, end of journalists.’

  ‘I don’t want the girls near any of this attention,’ Alice said.

  ‘Why not? Why can’t I be on TV?’ Jools complained.

  ‘Because it’s not appropriate.’ Alice was firm.

  ‘Dad?’

  ‘Mum’s right. We need to protect you. It’ll just be Declan and me.’

  Jools pouted.

  Ben smiled. ‘Just like old times with Jools,’ he whispered. Alice didn’t smile – she seemed miles away.

  ‘Alice?’

  ‘Sorry – what?’

  Before Ben could speak, Quentin asked them all to get ready as a car was waiting to take them to the Savoy Hotel for the press conference.

  Jools and Holly each held one of Ben’s hands while Alice followed behind, staring at her phone.

  Holly

  Today was the best day EVER. Daddy came home. He looked the same but different. He is thinner and older, but the same really.

  When he walked through the door he stopped like he was in shock or something. He just kept staring at Mummy and me and Jools. We were staring back, and then we all hugged and it was just so amazing.

  Granddad seemed really happy too – except he’s not very good at showing it. I think he was a bit awkward because everyone was crying, even David and Daddy. Declan’s family, who are very loud and a bit scary, were all crying, too, and shouting and jumping up and down.

  Mummy always says Granddad isn’t good at showing his emotions. She says he’s ‘a cold fish’. But I think he probably felt a bit worse today because he hasn’t seen Mummy or us since last Christmas, when he told Mummy that Daddy was too good for her and that he should have married a nice English girl who would have kept him at home and out of danger.

  It was wrong of him to say it and I was proud of Mummy because she kept her cool. She didn’t shout, she just asked him to leave the house. She hadn’t spoken to him again until yesterday, when she called him to tell him about Daddy being alive.

  I’m sure things will be fine again between them now Daddy’s back. I texted Kevin to tell him how great Daddy looks. He was waiting for us at home with a big surprise tea for Daddy. Jools and I stayed up late last night, decorating the house. We didn’t have any ‘welcome home’ banners or balloons, but we found lots of Happy Birthday ones left over from Jools’s eighteenth so we used them instead.

  Daddy and Declan did their interview at the Savoy Hotel. We stayed in a big suite with Declan’s family and watched it all on the TV.

  Mummy was on her phone when the interview started. I went out to get her, but she was crying really hard and saying, ‘I love you too. I don’t know what to do. I’m freaking out. I’m sorry.’

  I knew then that she was talking to Dan and I felt sick. I knew she’d have to tell Dan and talk to him, but when she said, ‘I love you,’ it made me scared. She needs to love Daddy now.

  She looked up and saw me. She jumped and then said she’d follow me in, and when she did, her eyes were really red and her hands were shaking. I felt sorry for her. It’s all so confusing. I held her hand and she clung on tight.

  There were so many people waiting to hear Daddy’s story – loads of cameras were flashing the whole time. It was so weird to see him sitting at a long table with a huge microphone in front of him. But he didn’t look a bit scared. He and Declan even made the people laugh, even though they were telling them how awful it was. Daddy was actually chained up every night. I nearly started crying when he said that.

  Daddy was just brilliant, and all the journalists laughed when Declan said he wanted to have lots of sex with lots of women. He really is a bit mad, but in a good way.

  When one journalist asked Daddy what had kept him going through the dark times, Daddy looked into the camera and said, ‘Dreaming of being back with my beautiful wife and two incredible daughters.’

  Declan’s family, Pippa and David all cheered and Jools and I cried. Mummy just looked really sad. Billy, Declan’s dad, leant over and said into her ear, ‘He really loves you. It’ll all be fine.’ Mummy gave him a little smile, but it wasn’t a happy one.

  I knew she was thinking about Dan, but I blocked him from my mind. Today should be about Daddy and only Daddy.

  Another journalist asked them if they had been treated badly or tortured. It went really quiet in the room except for Declan’s brother, Sean, who cursed under his breath.

  Daddy and Declan looked at each other and then Daddy said, ‘We weren’t tortured. We were treated reasonably well. They had to keep us in relatively good health so we could operate. But there were certainly some very dark moments.’

  Then Declan said, ‘Being away from your family and loved ones is a form of torture.’

  Daddy nodded and looked like he was going to cry, but he didn’t. Then they were asked if they wanted revenge on their captors.

  Daddy said, ‘Revenge would achieve nothing. The leader of the camp was killed in battle, which is how we managed to escape. There were some good people in the camp. But the best person was this man here.’ Daddy put his arm around Declan. ‘He is the brother I never had.’

  Declan looked down, and then he said, ‘Ben saved my life and
my sanity almost every day. If it wasn’t for him, I don’t think I would have made it.’

  That made me cry because you can see that they’re so close and really love each other. Billy was sobbing beside me. He was holding Jools’s hand and she was crying too.

  When it was over, the journalists all stood up and clapped. We cheered.

  I felt really tired then, and I was glad it was time to go home. We all said goodbye to Declan’s family. They were flying home to Dublin with Declan to have a big party.

  The hotel staff were really nice. They knew we didn’t want to be photographed or anything so they got the journalists into a room for refreshments, then took us quickly to a back entrance and had a taxi waiting to take us home.

  When Daddy and Declan said goodbye to each other, they hugged for a long time. Declan said, ‘I’ll miss you, Benji.’

  I’d never heard anyone call Daddy ‘Benji’ before and it sounded funny.

  Daddy said, ‘Me too. Call me.’

  ‘I will.’

  ‘Ah, for Jesus’ sake, will you come on? Haven’t you spent enough time together?’ Sean laughed at them.

  ‘Are you not sick of him?’ Eddie said. ‘I shared a room with him growing up and he drove me mental.’

  ‘He had his moments,’ Daddy said, and gave Declan one last hug.

  We walked down the corridor together. Daddy was holding Mummy’s hand, but then her phone beeped so she let us walk on and started texting.

  When we got home, Kevin was standing on the doorstep holding a big bunch of pink birthday balloons. Daddy said, ‘I see nothing’s changed, then.’

  Mummy got cross and said, ‘Kevin saved all our lives. He was our rock.’

  Then I explained about the balloons being left over from Jools’s birthday decorations and Daddy said he was so sorry he’d missed it. Jools said it was okay, but that he owed her a ‘seriously big present’.

  Kevin gave Daddy a hug and Daddy said, ‘Thank you so much for looking after my three girls.’

  Kevin was all pleased and Mummy smiled a real smile.

  Then we went inside and Daddy stopped and looked around and walked really slowly through the house, as if it was his first time.

  When he opened the kitchen door, and saw the decorations and the table full of all of his most favourite food, his eyes got watery.

  He sat down in his chair – the same one he always sat in – and laid his head on the table.

  Mummy went over and put her arms around him. ‘Welcome back.’

  Daddy smiled. ‘I’ve dreamt of this so many times. I just can’t believe it’s true. God, I love you guys so much.’

  ‘We love you too,’ Jools said.

  Mummy’s phone beeped. Jools glared at her. ‘Put it on silent. It’s interrupting us.’

  Mummy went over to her bag and switched off her phone. I was glad she did because I didn’t want to be reminded of Dan.

  We had a lovely dinner. Jools did most of the talking, filling Daddy in on school and boyfriends and her life. When Daddy asked me, I just gave him a short summary, but Mummy told him about the award I’d won for Best Essay and he said he was really proud.

  When Jools asked Daddy about Eritrea, my stomach went all funny. You could see he didn’t really want to talk about it. He didn’t say much. He just said it had been very hard because he missed us terribly and that he had worked as a doctor there and tried to help people, that Declan had been a great friend and that he’d never leave us again.

  That was the best part, because of the way he said it. He looked into our eyes and said it like it was a promise. I totally believed him and it made me feel safe and warm inside.

  It was when we were clearing up that he noticed it. ‘That’s new,’ he said, pointing to the cherry tree in the back garden.

  Jools grabbed my arm. Mummy went over and put her hand on Daddy’s shoulder. ‘It’s a tree we planted when we heard you had … well … that you were gone.’

  Daddy stopped moving. ‘Oh. I see. Well … it’s beautiful.’

  We all went to bed at the same time because none of us had slept the night before and we were super-tired.

  After brushing my teeth I came downstairs to get a glass of water and I heard Mummy and Kevin whispering at the front door.

  ‘Telling Dan was so hard, but I had to before he saw it on the news.’

  ‘What did he say?’ Kevin asked.

  ‘He said he loves me, and that he’ll wait for me.’

  I wished I hadn’t heard that.

  Alice

  Alice sent Dan a quick text, I’ll call you when I can talk XXXX, then turned off her phone.

  She drank a very large glass of wine, took a deep breath and went upstairs. Ben was sitting on their bed, waiting for her.

  Alice busied herself with taking off her shoes and earrings. What would happen now? Would Ben want to have sex with her? Would he be able? Could she? Oh, God.

  ‘You’re so beautiful,’ Ben said, coming up behind her and putting his arms around her.

  Alice tried to keep her body relaxed, but she was incredibly tense.

  ‘I’ve been waiting to hold you in my arms for so long. God, Alice, I missed you so much.’

  Alice was afraid to speak. She thought she might cry. Ben turned her around to look at him. He leant in to kiss her.

  ‘Let’s turn the light off, shall we?’ Alice said, trying to buy time and hoping against hope that if it was dark it would be less strange and uncomfortable.

  ‘Do you mind if we don’t? I want to look at you.’ Ben’s pupils were dilated and Alice could feel his erection digging into her thigh.

  Ben kissed her hard. He began to tug at her dress, pulling it so roughly that Alice was afraid it would rip. He spun her around and yanked down the zip. The dress fell to the floor. Alice kicked it away from her ankles and watched as Ben tugged off his shirt and trousers.

  When Alice saw her husband’s body, she tried not to gasp. He was so much thinner than she’d thought. His clothes had disguised his weight loss. His ribs jutted out.

  Ben grabbed her and pulled her onto the bed. He was like a man possessed. He kissed her forcefully, shoving his tongue far into her mouth, then climbed on top of her. She could feel his urgency. He yanked her legs apart and entered her, pushing himself deep inside her. Alice tried not to cry out in pain. Ben grunted as he drove deeper and deeper. Alice tried to find a rhythm, but Ben kept thrusting until he cried out and collapsed on top of her.

  Alice bit her lip to stop herself crying. Who was this man? She felt as if she’d just had sex with a total stranger.

  Ben lay like a dead weight on top of her, his head buried in her shoulder, weeping. All Alice wanted to do was run into the shower and wash him away.

  She lay still, waiting for him to move. After a few minutes he pulled his head back and looked at her, his face wet with tears. ‘Sorry if I was a bit eager. I’ve waited a long time for that. I just can’t believe I’m free and here. I’m with you.’ He started crying again and kissed her. ‘I love you so much, Alice.’

  Alice pasted a smile on her face and kissed him gently on the lips. She moved her body and Ben rolled off her. Then she got up and went into the bathroom.

  There, she ran the taps, sat on the floor and screamed silently into a towel. What was she going to do? He was her husband. She had to stay with him, but all she wanted to do was run to Dan and have him put his arms around her and protect her. She wanted to be shielded from this.

  It wasn’t fair. She’d spent two years getting over Ben and minding the girls, and just when her life was good again, he’d come back, different and damaged, and she had to drop everything and start all over again.

  Was she a terrible person? He was Ben, her Ben. Her wonderful husband was alive. This should be the best day of her life, but it wasn’t. It was awful. She felt dirty and sick and sad – deeply sad.

  ‘Everything all right?’ Ben pushed the door open. Alice jumped up, wrapped the towel around herself and splash
ed water on her face.

  ‘Sorry, just a bit emotional,’ she said.

  Ben, who was still naked – God, she wished he’d put on some clothes – came over and put his arms around her. ‘I know, me too. It’s a lot to take in.’

  Alice moved away from him and walked back into the bedroom. She found her pyjamas, which she put on. ‘Do you mind if we sleep now? I’m exhausted and I’m sure you are too.’

  ‘If you like,’ Ben said, and climbed in beside her. Alice rolled away from him and closed her eyes, praying for sleep to take her away from reality.

  She woke with a start and looked at the clock. It was two a.m. She turned slowly to see if Ben was asleep. He was lying on his back with his eyes wide open.

  ‘Can’t sleep. Too much adrenalin,’ he said.

  ‘I think I’ll get a glass of water.’ Alice began to get up.

  ‘No, let me get it for you. Stay there.’ Ben got up, put on his boxer shorts and went downstairs. Alice’s head was throbbing.

  Ben appeared at the door with two glasses of water and a packet of cigarettes. ‘Do you mind if I smoke? I’ll do it by the window.’

  Alice was surprised. Ben had always been very anti-smoking. Seeing her face, he said, ‘A bad habit I picked up from Declan. Smoking got us through some horrible nights.’

  Alice sat up and cuddled her knees as Ben smoked his cigarette. Standing with the moonlight on his face and the shadows hiding his thin frame, he looked more like her old Ben.

  ‘Was it awful?’ she asked.

  Ben paused. ‘Yes, but not because we were badly treated – compared to most kidnap victims we were treated quite well. They wanted to keep us in good health so we could operate. But the mental torture of not seeing you and the girls was acute. I knew when they blew up the car that you’d think we were dead and I found that very difficult to deal with.’

  ‘We got the call on Jools’s birthday.’

  ‘Christ.’ Ben rubbed his eyes.