by Jolene Perry
“Excuse you,” she teases, but doesn’t pull away.
“I’ve touched you there before,” I whisper.
“Remember, it’s not about levels, Jay.”
“I know.” I put my hands on her face. “But all I can think about is touching you. I still can’t believe you’re going away in a few days.” I kiss her again.
She bends down and lets herself lean forward until her forehead is on my chest.
With a low, steady beat, the drumming starts around the fire.
“Cool,” Matt says. His tent is done. “We’ll see you two over there.” He takes Kaylee’s hand and they disappear into the darkness between our tent and the fire.
“Yeah.” I’m fumbling in the dark, trying to get the rest of the tent set up. Instead of watching me struggle, Sky pitches in to help. In a few minutes, our tent is up. I take her hand and head for the circle.
The energy around the fire is both energizing and serious. It’s an amazing thing to participate in. The fire isn’t huge. They’re regulated in campgrounds like this. Well, they’re regulated everywhere, but the rules are actually enforced here. There are about twenty-five people in the circle. I don’t make an official count, but at least ten have some sort of drum. Someone goofs the rhythm and they all stop, laughing.
“Okay, I’ll start.” I recognize Rob with a large drum between his legs. He begins a low beat and they all begin to work with him, slowly turning the beat into something musical.
“This is amazing. Did you do this at home?” I whisper in her ear.
“Yeah, pretty often.” She leans back against me and I wrap my arms around her stomach. “And most go with songs, songs about hunters, or the beginning of the world or…you can’t be interested in this stuff?” She chuckles and leans her head into my neck.
“I am. I think it’s cool that you’re so connected to your roots. I mean, I speak a few Spanish phrases, but I haven’t even spent that much time with my Dad’s mom.” It sort of hits me. “I’ve never felt bad about it until I realized how connected some people are to their past, and not just their past but recognizing that their history is a collective one, an important one. Something to be celebrated and remembered.” Did I just say that?
“Wow, Jay.” She turns around to look at me. “You got all philosophical on me.”
“You bring out the best in me.” I smile. Her lips find mine and I don’t care about the drumming anymore.
“I’m tired,” she whispers between kisses.
That’s all it takes for me to run with her back to our tent. I have no idea where Matt and Kaylee are, and it’s not my problem. In minutes, we’re resting together in my sleeping bag, and I don’t even care how hard the ground is.
“I love that you wanted to come here,” she says. I can still hear the drumming in the background, like this simple, steady beat is our music for the night.
We’re lying, nearly pressed together, facing one another. I want her more than I’ve ever wanted anything. “I love that you asked me here.”
“You’re probably ready for more.”
I know what she’s talking about, but it seems better to feign ignorance. “What do you mean?”
“I mean…” She pauses sliding her hands under my shirt. Her hands burn against my bare skin. She opens her mouth like she’s going to talk, but doesn’t. Instead, she closes her eyes. “I’m almost there, Jay. I just don’t want you to be disappointed.”
“How can I be disappointed, when I get to sleep next to you again?” That’s a good guy thing to say, but if I’m being perfectly honest, I’m a little disappointed. Maybe she’ll change her mind, or maybe she wants to save our first time for when she gets back. “I just want to be close to you.” It’s true. It’s not the whole truth, but it’s not a lie either. I rest my hands on her shoulders and slide them down her back.
Her eyes open, but only until our lips meet. All I can think is—this is really good, too.
TWENTY-ONE
I’m recovered from Prom, mostly. My body aches a bit from sleeping on the ground, but it was worth it. Sky’s home packing. She leaves tomorrow for Alaska. It makes me crazy to think of her up there, so far away. Especially when I feel I should go in order to protect her from Gunnar…but I can’t. I have to trust her. I have to trust that she’ll be safe, that she’ll be able to keep herself safe.
At right about the time I expect, she knocks on my door.
“Hey.” I slide it open to let her in. “I’m glad you’re here.” But just like the first night she stayed over, it feels like something’s different.
“I’m sorry I’m going to miss your graduation.” Sky’s hands slide down my arms and she takes my hands in hers.
“It’s not a big deal.” I shake my head. My heart’s pounding in my ears, and I’m not even sure why.
“Of course it’s a big deal.” She kisses my cheek. “Hopefully, I’ll just be gone a week or two.”
“Hopefully?” Does that mean she might be gone longer? How come she doesn’t know for sure? What about plane tickets and reservations?
“I think I can get things straightened out by then.” Her shoulders make a tiny shrug.
“What needs to be straightened out?”
She steps forward resting her head on my chest. “Just clan stuff…village stuff. Jay, I need to be there. A lot of people are involved. That’s why I haven’t said more about it.”
“I’m worried about you.” I wrap my arms around her more tightly. “I remember the last meeting.” When afterwards, you spent the night crying in my bed. “It sucks that I can’t be there with you.”
She chuckles. “That definitely wouldn’t help things. And don’t worry, my mom will be there with me.”
Yeah, her Mom—the one who possibly let some guy come in and…but I can’t finish the thought. What are they discussing? Why can’t she be on the phone again? I’m about to ask her to tell me more, when Sky’s voice interrupts me.
“Do you want to know why I let you kiss me? The night you took me out for my birthday?” She tilts her face back to look in my eyes.
“Yes.”
“Because my real name is Night Sky. And somehow you knew it the first night you dropped me off. Something passed over your face when you said, ‘Night, Sky.’ A part of you just knew. My Mom told me a long time ago she had a vision that one day I’d find someone who knew how to fly. That night, you told me you felt like we were flying over the night sky and I knew that you were the person she was talking about. I’m sure you think this all sounds weird or crazy or…”
“No, I don’t.” I tighten my arms slightly. “But I don’t fly.” Not really. And what she’s talking about is huge. It feels like way more than just girlfriend-boyfriend stuff, it feels…significant.
“How does it feel when you’re in the water? When you’re swimming or floating and the bottom of the pool is beneath you?” Her eyes are bright. She knows the answer.
“Like I’m flying.”
“And how do you feel when we’re together. When we kiss?” She presses her body against mine, and smiles up at me.
I smile. “Like I’m flying.” And this time my need to feel our bodies together is too strong. I slide my hands up her back and she pulls off her top. She reaches for mine next. It takes about half a second for my shirt to drop to the floor.
Her body burns against my skin as she pulls me to my bed. My lips only leave hers long enough for her to lie on her back and for me to follow, half crawling over her. “How long do we have?” she asks.
My heart stops. I look down at her, our faces close. I’m almost in a push-up position, hovering over her. “Mom is pulling a late shift tonight.”
“Good.” She pulls her face away from mine tracing a finger down my chest. “We can take our time.”
I might pass out. “I love you, Sky.” Wow, it came out, just like that.
“I love you too, Jay.” She smiles. Placing her fingers in the top of my pants, she pulls me toward her.
All I can do right now is stare at her, wearing just her bra, waiting for me. But we’re going to take our time.
I let the full weight of my body rest on top of her. I swear it hits every nerve; every part of my body is tense with anticipation. Her warmth…her hands…her mouth—everything feels so good. I pause, our eyes meet, and suddenly it’s all clear. It’s not about sensation and the physical feeling of it—all the things I’ve been thinking about since I first wanted to have sex—it’s so much more. It’s about me and her and how much I love her. And how it’s this major thing she’s giving me. I’m kinda overwhelmed by it all.
“Hey, Jay?” She puts her hands on either side of my face. I’ve seen Sky vulnerable before, but nothing like this. I push off her, once again hovering. Waiting for her to tell me she’s not ready. “Be careful with me.” The words come out in a rush of her breath.
“Yeah,” I whisper back. “But no added pressure or anything.” I smile. “It’s cool.”
Our mouths meet again, but a twinge of uncertainty starts gnawing at my gut.
“Are you sure about this?” I ask, but her mouth is on mine.
“I don’t know. But I’m okay with that. I trust you, Jay.” Her eyes are closed. Her hands are on my shoulders.
I don’t think I can do this…not like this. Which honestly sucks, because we’re so close. “You’re the one who said it wasn’t about levels, that it was about getting to know one another.” And why on earth am I not taking advantage of the situation?
She kisses me again. “But you’re ready, I think. And Jay, you’ve been so good to me. I just, I don’t know, before I left seemed like a good time and…”
“You’ve changed me.” I smile as I push up a little to hover over her. “The thought of doing this when you’re…” Unsure. I can feel the disappointment creeping in, but it’s better than feeling like crap afterward…I think. My body is not going to be happy with me over this, that’s for sure. “Maybe before we met, I’d have jumped at the chance.” I let out a breath. “But not anymore.”
Her hands slide down my chest, down my stomach. “Are you sure?”
“Not at all.” I shake my head. “You feel too good right now for me to make a rational decision.”
“I feel like I owe you.”
“Owe me?” I let myself slide over until I’m lying on my side facing her, making sure her body’s still touching mine. Because even if we’re not going any further, feeling her skin on mine is addictive, just like everything else about her. I rest my hand on her bare stomach and try not to stare at her bra.
“I…there’s things, about going home that I need to tell you.” Her brows pull down.
“And you said that it involved a lot of people and we’d talk about it later.” It seems like a reasonable enough answer. She’s trying to protect the privacy of the people she knows.
She leans forward and I feel her lips on my neck and on my chest.
“You’re weakening my decision.” I run my hands up and down her back.
“Sorry Jay, the decision’s already been made.” She wraps her leg over my side pulling me close. “But that doesn’t mean we can’t kiss.” Her chuckle comes out in a whisper against my neck.
“You okay?” I ask.
Her hand reaches over in her response and runs from the center of my chest to my stomach. Guess so.
Our lips and our bodies meet again. I never want this night to end.
TWENTY-TWO
“I still can’t believe you’re leaving,” I say while standing on her grandparents’ porch.
Our morning was just as good as last night—but short-lived. Now I’m anxious for her trip to be over with. Let her do what needs to be done, so we can continue where we left off. If she was almost ready last night, surely when she gets back…
Our separation pushes into me again. Sky feels so far away when she’s in Alaska, out of my reach, away from any kind of protection I can provide. Sky and I should be different. The world should look different. But our reality is the same. She’s still leaving, and I’m still a little confused about the whole thing.
“I’m sorry I have to go.” Her hands clutch mine. Is her heart pounding as hard as mine?
“It seems like I should be with you, protecting you, or…”
She shakes her head. “My aunt and uncle will be at my mom’s house. I’ll be safe, Jay. I know that’s what you’re worried about.” She leans up and kisses my cheek. “I feel okay about it all. And I’ll be back in Vegas as soon as I possibly can.”
“When?”
Her face clouds over. Just long enough that I’m afraid to hear whatever she’s about to tell me. “Soon.” She lets go of my hands and holds me tight. Her arms feel desperate. I’m sure mine feel the same way. Why am I so anxious about this? We’ll only be separated for a couple of weeks.
“I’ll call you the first chance I get. You can email me, but I won’t be able to check much.”
“Okay.” And then I watch her step inside her grandparents’ house. Away from me… And it feels significant.
***
It’s been three days since Sky left, and I still haven’t heard from her. School is almost over, graduation is around the corner and I can’t focus on anything. I’m sitting on my bed, staring at the pool and all I can think about is Sky. I can’t stand it any longer so I call her cell.
“Hey, Jay.” Her voice sounds thick.
Her tone immediately makes my heart pound. Fear pushes me to standing as I imagine the worst.
“I’m in Ketchikan for the day. I planned on calling you.”
“Are you okay? What’s going on?” And why do I suddenly feel so crazy?
“Relax.” I hear a soft chuckle. “I’m okay.”
“Are you sure? I feel like you’re just trying to protect me, or something. I’ve been going crazy.”
“I wasn’t sure what to tell you.” Her voice sounds shaky, even her breathing sounds shaky.
My chest drops into my stomach, which drops to the floor. Just as fast as my legs pushed me up, they’ve collapsed beneath me. “Tell me what?” It sounds like I’m choking on my whisper. Why am I shaking? What’s going on?
“I have a daughter.”
My brain shuts down. My thoughts are silenced. I am stunned. Sky has a daughter?
“I know I should have told you. It’s what all the clan meetings are for. They want her here. I want her out. One of my aunts has her now, but it makes things difficult when the chief’s son is your baby’s father. We’re matrilineal and daughters should stay in the clan, but my aunt switched clans, which is creating a mess and…”
“And this is like the biggest thing going on in your life right now.” And she left me out of it…completely.
“Yeah.” She sniffs once.
“This is something everyone in your group knows?” It’s all coming together now—the meeting with Tony’s dad, Windy getting kicked in the foot by Jen.
“Um…hmm.” Her response is high-pitched, she’s probably crying.
“I feel like you just kicked me in the gut, Sky. How could you not have said anything?” How could you shut me out when our entire relationship was about being honest with one another?
“I don’t…it’s just…” She can’t talk her way out of this. It’s too big.
“Am I not important enough to you? Is that it? This is huge, Sky. This is a life-changing thing for you and you kept me completely in the dark. I don’t get it!”
“I didn’t want to scare you away and…”
“Scare me away! All I’ve done is chase after you, Sky! Now I think you just don’t give a shit and that I was some kind of distraction for you! Did you think I’d like you any less for having a baby? Is that how little you think of me?”
“If my aunt isn’t granted custody, I can’t leave. I’ll have to stay and…”
“And what, raise the baby yourself? What about Gunnar?” Why didn’t she tell me she might never come back? Why isn’t she trying harder to make me understa
nd?
“Gunnar? Yeah, Jay, that’s the best part of it. He took what wasn’t his and he’s trying to do it again and if I can’t fix things, I’ll be stuck here forever.” Her voice stops.
“Forever?”
“Besides you weren’t fair to me either!” I’ve never heard her raise her voice at me before.
What is she talking about? “How the hell do you figure that?” I’m screaming into the phone and I don’t care.
“I got involved with you even though you still have feelings for Sarah!”
Is she kidding me? “Don’t go there, Sky.” I shake my head. “You can’t even compare the two situations. You’re talking about a lifetime of experiences you didn’t tell me about, things that made you who you are, and you’re comparing it to my unresolved feelings for Sarah?”
“Have you told her how you felt about her?”
“No.” Because it doesn’t matter…
“Then it’s unresolved.” I can tell that she’s crying. I’m trying not to care.
“That’s not fair!”
“Call me when you’ve taken care of things.”
“No, you call me when you’ve taken care of things!” I hang up the phone and hurl it across the room. It breaks apart as it hits the wall. Shit, that’s gonna cost me.
I slide to the floor wishing I had a punching bag. What’s she going to do? Why didn’t she trust me with this? Shit, what’s going to happen with Gunnar? I’m just angry with her for making me feel this way. There’s no way around the fact that she has a daughter. There’s a part of Sky out there in the world. A part she didn’t even trust me enough to tell me about.
Sky actually lied to me.
It hits me again—Sky has a baby. Who is she? How old is she? Why did Sky even come here if her daughter is in Alaska? These are the kind of things that you don’t forget about for a night…an hour…or even a minute! She thought about this every time we were together and she never said anything—ever. Every time I think I’ve reached a level of misery that couldn’t possibly be matched, something proves me wrong.