Why did I even come here?
She hadn’t even been able to look at her dad’s marker, much less process her feelings. She was a coward. She wasn’t strong enough to face her past. She pointed her rental toward town as she drew a steadying breath.
She thought of Zac, waiting back in Summer Harbor. Fear swarmed like a hundred angry bees at the thought of going back. Her love for him crippled her. How could she need him so much and be so afraid at the same time? The conflicting emotions swirled in her head until she was dizzy with them.
What if I lose him again?
She well remembered the early days in Portland now. The memories had come flooding back the night of the storm. She’d wept for weeks after she’d left Zac, and after that had moved numbly through her days, her heart broken into a million pieces. She had never put it back together. Had simply settled for someone less. Someone manageable. Someone she could stand to lose.
Zac was different altogether. She already knew how it felt to be without him. A fist closed around her heart, squeezing tight. She didn’t know if she could bear to lose him again.
Zac helped unload the bread, then went to the front and turned down the chairs. Keeping busy was the name of the game. He’d been unsettled since Lucy had left. He’d reread her note a dozen times trying to reassure himself, but nothing soothed the anxiety threading through him.
He hadn’t heard from her, and neither had Eden. What if she decided not to come back? It was that thought that had kept him on his feet for the past twenty-four hours, minus six hours of tossing and turning.
Come on, God. Give me something here. A call, a text. Something.
She’d asked for space, and he was trying to give it to her. But a pain had taken up residence in his gut, and his legs were weak and shaky.
This felt too much like last time, despite the note.
He checked the time, then rushed to pull the last few chairs down so he wouldn’t be late in Skyping Riley. He’d scheduled the call last week when everything was flowers and sunshine. He always tried to be upbeat, hoping to keep his brother’s spirits up, but he was going to have to dig deep today.
He went to his office, pushing next week’s schedule aside. He needed to do payroll and make a trip to the bank. He was grateful for things to do.
He opened Skype, and the call came in right on the dot of eleven. A second later Riley’s face appeared on the screen. He seemed older, somehow, than he had last time they’d Skyped. He supposed war could do that to a person.
Riley’s eyes crinkled at the corners as he gave a two-finger salute, reminding Zac so much of their dad that he felt a pinch in his gut. “Hey, bro. Good to see your ugly mug.”
“How’s the military treating you, bud?”
“Aw, not bad. I’m keeping busy. Just finished a game of Madden with the guys. There’s a tournament going on.”
“Are you winning?”
“You kidding? There are guys here who are practically professional. It passes the time though.”
“That’s true. Before I forget, Aunt Trudy wanted to know if you need anything in particular. She’s getting ready to send a care package.”
“God love her. I could use some Chapstick. And I’ve really been craving your atomic wings. If you could throw in a bottle of that sauce, that’d be great. And candy to give out to the local kids.”
“Consider it done.”
“Thanks, man. How’s everyone back home? Roadhouse busy?”
“Ayuh, it’s keeping me on my toes. Beau’s gearing up for fall activities at the tree farm. Hayrides, bonfires, and stuff. He’s got quite a few groups scheduled already.”
AwistfullookcameoverRiley’sface.“FallinSummerHarbor... man, I can almost smell it. Decaying leaves, wood fires, the scent of rain. It’s so freaking hot here—over a hundred most days.”
“A dry heat though.”
Riley made a face as he swatted the screen. “That was me, whacking you in the back of the head.”
Zac dredged up a smile. “Didn’t feel a thing.”
“So, what’s Aunt Trudy up to? I got a letter from her a couple weeks ago, but she doesn’t say much about herself.”
“She’s slowed down since Lucy started at the visitor center. Guess she’s getting a lot of knitting done. I did find out something interesting . . . She and Sheriff Colton used to be an item.”
Riley reared back. “What? When?”
“Back in high school. She told me recently. Sounds like they were pretty serious. Then Colton left for college and things fell apart.”
“How did we not know this?”
“Grandpa didn’t approve, so they kept it on the down low.”
“They sneaked around?”
“More or less. I don’t know exactly what happened between them, but she has bad feelings toward him.”
“That explains why she’s so prickly. Must’ve been something pretty big to hold a grudge this long.”
“Oh, I don’t know. She can hold a grudge with the best of them. I’m recalling a certain blueberry pie incident.”
Riley made a face. “I was twelve. And I didn’t know it was for the bake-off. Jeez, she wore me out over that for years.”
“Well, imagine how Colton feels.”
Riley gave a wry laugh. “Guy must be a glutton for punishment. She must’ve been over the moon for him if she’s that torn up over it still. Maybe it’s not just the Callahan men who only love once, like she’s always saying.”
“She loved Uncle Tom.”
“Yeah, but there’s love and there’s love, know what I’m saying?”
Boy, did he. The kind of love he had for Lucy knocked his legs right out from underneath him. “I hear you.”
Riley settled back in his chair, running his fingers through his buzzed hair. “So what about you? Gonna tell me why you look like you haven’t slept in a week?”
Zac gave a tight smile. “Don’t know what you’re talking about. Everything’s fine.”
“And I’m sitting on the beach with an umbrella drink. Cut the crap. It’s Lucy, isn’t it? She leave again?”
Zac’s jaw locked down tight. “She just went back to Savannah for a few days. She left a note.”
Riley rolled his eyes. “Aw, you gotta be kidding me.”
“It’s not like last time. She’s coming back. She just has stuff she has to work out.”
“Man, she’s got issues, bro.”
“No kidding, Captain Obvious. That’s why she went home.”
“And left you in the dust just like last time.”
“That was a misunderstanding.” He gave his head a shake. It was a long and convoluted story, and frankly, he didn’t feel like defending Lucy at the moment. “I’m not getting into this with you. You got your own problems.”
“If you’re referring to Paige, I’ve made a decision. I’m telling her how I feel when I come home.”
The tension oozed from Zac’s shoulders. He settled back in his seat, adjusting the screen. “Really?”
“There’s a lot of time to think over here. Things are more, I don’t know, black and white. You gotta seize the day before it seizes you.”
Zac didn’t even want to know what caused that kind of thinking. “So why not tell her now?”
“She’d appease me just to keep my spirits up—after she faints dead away from shock. I want an honest response, and I’m not going to get that if I’m halfway across the world in a war zone.”
“Probably right. She worries about you.”
“How’s she doing anyway? You see her much?”
“She was at the farm Sunday for dinner. She’s doing well. She always asks about you.”
The corner of Riley’s mouth ticked up. “I’m glad she’s spending time with the family. Keep an eye out for her, will you?”
“Sure, bro.” He thought of the picnic lunch she’d had with Dylan Moore a few weeks ago. Lucy told him they’d gone out on a couple dates since then. He sure hoped nothing came of it, for Riley’s sake.
&
nbsp; Riley looked over his shoulder where a few of his buddies were messing around. He turned back to the screen. “Hey, sorry to make it so short, but I gotta run. I’ll be praying about Lucy. Hope it all works out, man.”
“It will. Take care of yourself. Love you.”
“Love you too.”
They signed off, and Zac leaned back against his seat, feeling just as unsettled as he had before the call.
Chapter 41
Sunlight poured through the slit in the hotel curtain, making Lucy wince. A headache pounded behind her left eye as she checked the time: 9:37 a.m.
She couldn’t believe she’d slept so late. She’d dropped into the bed without supper and slept through the night.
She showered before hitting the local Waffle House for a quick breakfast. It was another hot, humid day, the kind that made breathing feel like deliberate suffocation. Or maybe it was just her internal struggle making her feel that way.
A Starbucks coffee in hand, she hit the streets in her rental, wandering around her aunt’s neighborhood. Stately old brick homes. Oaks with Spanish moss draping from their massive branches. Friendly people, always ready with a smile and a wave.
She drove by her aunt’s estate, but the gates in front of the long, straight lane were locked up tight. There were no real memories there anyway.
She had a whole free day in her hometown and no place to go. No old friends to look up. Not a single person she’d kept in contact with that she could invite out for lunch. She’d even lost touch with her friends from college. Girls who’d once shared every detail of her daily life.
She’d met many fine people in her travels, and had grown close enough to several of them to call them friends. But where were they now? A few e-mails and texts had come and gone. Had she even bothered answering?
After her concussion, she’d thought the names of her current friends were lost with her memory. But the truth was, she hadn’t had any real friends. Even Anna, her maid of honor in Portland, was barely more than an acquaintance.
What was wrong with her?
Her car seemed to turn of its own volition into her old neighborhood, seeking something familiar. The houses seemed smaller than they were when she was a child. The lawns less kept, the trees so high overhead they provided a continuous carpet of shade. She turned onto Oak Street, spotted her childhood home, and pulled to a stop along the curb.
It was a modest two-story with a lovely veranda. The swing swayed lazily in the morning breeze. The black shutters needed a coat of paint, and the gutters drooped helplessly from the roof-line. The area that had once proliferated with flowers was a barren space filled with brown grass and weeds. She was glad her mama couldn’t see what had become of her glorious garden.
Lucy stared at the house, that familiar sadness welling up inside. What had she expected? That she would come here and remember all the happy times? There had been many. Why did the painful ones always outshine the good ones?
Her eyes drifted next door to Mrs. Wilmington’s house. She looked in the backyard, almost expecting to see the woman hanging her sheets on the line. But years had passed. She must’ve been in her midsixties back then. Her former neighbor had likely passed. Lucy pulled from the curb, that unsettled feeling building in her middle.
What now, God? I don’t even know why I’m here. There’s no one to see, no one to talk to. Why did You bring me back here?
She might as well return to the hotel. Maybe she could check on this evening’s flights. She could always fly standby. She turned onto the road leading to the hotel. The midday traffic was worse than she remembered. Road construction blocked the street ahead, so she followed the detour signs, heading in a direction that took her out of her way.
She sighed. Just her luck. This whole trip was a bust. Not to mention a waste of money. She was no closer to figuring out her problems than she’d been when she’d left Summer Harbor nine months ago.
She followed the flow of traffic several miles along the detour route. A few minutes later the route took her into a familiar area. She gave a laugh of disbelief as she recognized the entrance to the Magnolia Memorial Gardens.
Are You kidding me?
On a whim, she slowed the car and turned in, following the narrow lane to the back of the cemetery. She parked along the roadside and shut off the engine. The hot air swallowed her up as she stepped from the vehicle.
Déjà vu, she thought, as the familiar dark feeling welled up inside. She must be a glutton for punishment.
The ground was hard and dry beneath her feet as she trudged to the one marker she hadn’t been able to face the day before. She was going to do it. She was going to go straight back there and stare his headstone in the face.
Her heart pounded in her chest, finding a new rhythm. The ugly spot swelled inside, taking up room her lungs needed. She marched on anyway, heat prickling the back of her neck. Her eyes narrowed on the marker, and her footsteps quickened.
She stopped at the foot of the grave, her breaths coming rapidly, blood whooshing in her ears.
She glared at the marker. “It’s me, Daddy. I’ve finally come back to see where you’re buried. Maybe I should’ve come back earlier, but you didn’t really deserve that, did you? You missed out on most of my life, you know. So much has happened. After you dumped me with Aunt Audrey, she shipped me off to boarding school. She had no idea what to do with a little girl—as you must’ve known.”
The words bubbled out as fast as she could think them, the anger fading as she went.
“I did well in school though. I got your smarts, as Aunt Audrey liked to say. I even got into Harvard. That’s where I was when I found out you died. I didn’t go to your funeral though. I didn’t even know about it until it was over, which is really kind of appropriate.
“I’ve done a lot of traveling since then. Aunt Audrey said I got that from Mama. She called it ‘wanderlust.’ Her lips always curled as she said it, and not in a good way. I got the feeling she didn’t approve of Mama, but I always told her she was the best mother in the whole world. She was, you know.”
Her eyes stung with tears, and a knot welled up in her throat.
“She would’ve been so disappointed in you, Daddy. She would’ve beat you over the head with a broom for leaving me like you did. And you know what else? You would’ve deserved it. You don’t just leave a child like that. You were the only one I had. The only one I could count on, and you abandoned me. You weren’t the only one hurting, the only one missing her. How could you think only of yourself? I needed you.”
Tears washed down her face, one after the other. A boulder sat in her chest, heavy and unmoving. “I needed you so badly. I’m messed up now. I don’t connect with people, not in any kind of lasting way. I have no idea what’s become of my boarding school friends or my college friends.
“The real problem is . . . I’m afraid, Daddy. I’m so afraid of letting anyone too close, because if I do, if I let myself care too much, they’ll leave me, just like you did.”
The thought stabbed her in the gut, a sharp pain that got her attention in a way nothing else had. In a moment when her guard was completely down, the truth had come pouring out. She sucked in a deep breath, then another.
“I’ve let all my friendships slip away. I’ve left every boyfriend I ever had—and that includes two fiancés, Daddy. Two of them! And the one who managed to really slip under all my defenses . . . I had one foot out the door our whole relationship. And I left at the first glimpse of trouble.
“So here I am, Daddy.” She shrugged, looking skyward. “I have no one. I chase away everyone who cares about me. I leave them before they can leave me. I’m so afraid of being treated the way you treated me that I’ve—I’ve become you.”
The words resonated inside, sending an earthquake through her system. Aftershocks followed, sweat snaking between her shoulder blades.
Her legs buckled, and her weight sagged to the ground, her knees planting in the thick grass. Her eyes widened on the mark
er as a tingling sensation spread through her chest. Her breath escaped in one short puff, her lungs clocking out.
“I’ve become you.” A hot breeze swept her words away.
How many people had she abandoned? She counted them off: the boarding school friends she’d left in the dust, the college friends she’d lost contact with, the boyfriends she’d brushed off, the fiancés she’d jilted.
Zac.
She’d done to him what her father had done to her. The weight of it crashed down on her, pushing on her shoulders, crushing her. Her eyes filled with tears again as she remembered the pain of abandonment. She would never forget the feeling. The endless, hollow ache that had swallowed her whole. She squeezed her eyes shut, rubbing at the ache centered in her chest.
Why, God? Why did I do the most hurtful thing to the one I love the most?
She opened her eyes, unseeing, puzzling it all out. But no matter how long she thought about it or how many answers she had for her past behavior, the fear remained. It was a heavy black weight that sat on her chest like a lead brick.
“What am I supposed to do with the fear?”
Her eyes swept across the terrain, unseeing. Until they passed a flash of color beside her mom’s marker. They came back to the spot, lingering on the blue clusters of star-shaped flowers. She must be seeing things.
She squinted at the vibrant buds as she moved toward them, then knelt in the grass. She brushed her fingers through the velvety blooms, memories surfacing.
It’ll bring courage to your heart, Lucy.
Her mom placing a tiny bloom behind her ear when she had to apologize to a neighbor for breaking a window. A vibrant bud in her cereal bowl on the morning of a big test. A vase of blooms when she had her tonsils out.
She breathed a laugh, looking heavenward, her eyes burning as she scanned the radiant blue sky. It was as if God had placed them here just for her.
There seemed no other explanation. She hadn’t seen them yesterday. Plus the plant was an annual, and while it reseeded well, there were no other starflowers in sight.
The weight lifted from the center of her chest. She drew a deep breath, the action stretching out lungs that had grown tight. She blew it out, the darkness seeping slowly away.
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