‘Here’s the deal. Obviously I won the challenge but I’m prepared to be generous. I’ll make breakfast if I can scrub your back.’
Becky pouted. ‘What about the dishes?’
He rolled his eyes. ‘Talk about driving a hard bargain! Okay. I’ll make breakfast and do the dishes. Deal?’
Becky held out her hand. ‘Deal!’
Ewan caught hold of her hand and pulled her to him so that their bodies collided, wet skin sliding slickly against wet skin. His voice sounded more like a growl, rumbling beneath the gushing of the water. ‘I’ll get round to the back scrubbing in a moment.’
Becky sighed as he bent and kissed her. She closed her eyes, savouring the coolness of the water, such a contrast to the heat of Ewan’s mouth. If only they could freeze time life would be perfect but it wasn’t going to happen.
At some point in the not too distant future she had to call a halt, even though the thought filled her with dread. Having Ewan back in her life had made such a difference. He’d brought sunshine and laughter, warmth and fun plus a whole lot more, but they couldn’t carry on like this. Not when it could mean him missing out on something as important as a family. He would only regret it and, worse still, probably end up blaming her, and she couldn’t bear it if that happened.
Wrapping her arms around his neck, she kissed him back, aware of just how precious this time was. It could be weeks or even months but at some point they would have to part. And this time it would be forever.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
‘I DON’T KNOW what you’re on but can I have some, please? Nobody should look as cheerful as you do after the day we’ve had!’
Ewan laughed as Cathy followed him into the staffroom. It was three weeks since that first night he and Becky had spent together and, quite frankly, it felt as though life couldn’t get much better. They spent as much time as possible together and the amazing thing was that they seemed to be remarkably in accord. They enjoyed doing the same things, laughed at the same jokes, even watched the same television programmes—with one or two exceptions, he amended ruefully, recalling Becky’s love of reality shows, which he loathed. It was little wonder that he breezed through even the busiest days without it getting him down.
‘I’m not sure if it will work for you,’ he told Cathy with a grin.
‘Try me.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘I’m open to any suggestions, believe me. My feet are killing me, my back aches, and as for the rest—well, booking myself into the knacker’s yard could be my best option!’
‘Sounds a bit extreme.’ Ewan grabbed his jacket out of the locker. He was meeting Becky in town as they were planning on having dinner together. Her mother had offered to mind Millie so she was also spending the night at his flat. His heart, as well as various other bits of his anatomy, leapt at the thought. It was little wonder that he sounded a little strained as he offered Cathy some friendly advice. ‘Why don’t you book some time off? A break would do you the world of good.’
‘And when do you think I’ll be able to get any time off?’ Cathy snorted. ‘We’re another nurse down since Laura left, so that makes three vacancies we’re carrying. It’s overtime for me, not a holiday, which is why I want to know what you’re on that makes you so cheerful. Come on, Ewan, spill the beans!’
Ewan looked over his shoulder as though making sure the coast was clear. He bent closer to Cathy and lowered his voice. ‘Love.’
‘Pardon?’ Cathy reared back and stared at him.
Ewan grinned. ‘You wanted to know why I’m feeling so cheerful—well, it’s all down to love.’
‘Ah, I see. Pity. I thought it’d be something more prosaic, like some new drug you’re testing or a super-duper new drink guaranteed to give you a boost.’ She shook her head. ‘Much as I love my husband, the days when the thought of seeing him put wings on my feet are long gone!’
Cathy took her bag out of the locker and left. Ewan chuckled as he followed her along the corridor. Maybe love did become less exciting with time but he couldn’t imagine it, not if his feelings for Becky were anything to go by. As far as he was concerned, he would still find her exciting and sexy when they were both ninety!
The thought struck a chord, one he didn’t want to think about. He headed into town, trying to ignore the tiny inner voice that was doing its best to have its say. So what if Becky hadn’t said anything to indicate that she had changed her mind about them having a purely temporary relationship? He hadn’t said anything either so he could hardly read anything into it. No, Becky needed to be sure about what she was doing after what had happened to her and he understood that. He was prepared to wait, however long it took.
She was already waiting outside the restaurant when he arrived. Ewan didn’t hesitate as he took her in his arms. He would never get tired of kissing her, he thought, never, ever become complacent about their relationship. He had lost her once before and he was going to do his utmost not to lose her again.
‘Hi,’ he said softly as he reluctantly let her go. His gaze skimmed over her, drinking in the picture she made. She’d opted for cream trousers that night made from some sort of silky fabric that just hinted at the curves beneath. With them she was wearing a sleeveless top in a deep honey colour that made her hazel eyes look more gold than green and set off the light tan of her skin. She looked so beautiful that he felt his breath catch. He loved her so much and tonight he intended to tell her that too.
‘Hi, yourself.’ She laughed up at him, her nose wrinkling adorably. ‘Do I take it from that very enthusiastic greeting that you missed me?’
‘I did indeed.’ Ewan grinned wickedly as he put his arm around her. ‘I’d be more than happy to show you just how much, too. Why don’t we skip dinner and go straight back to the flat?’
‘No way!’ She scooted out of his grasp and smiled up at him. ‘I’m absolutely starving, so unless you want to risk me passing out, I need to eat.’
Ewan didn’t try to change her mind. Opening the restaurant’s door, he ushered her inside. A couple of times he’d sensed that she’d been pulling back, but he understood. Becky didn’t want them to go too fast. Neither did he really, only sometimes—like now—it was hard to remember that. He took a deep breath as he followed her inside. He had to be patient, give her time to adjust to the idea of them being together. If he pushed her he could end up losing her and that was the last thing he wanted.
* * *
The evening was perfect, but it always was when she was with Ewan. Becky spooned up the last of her raspberry mousse, determined not to let anything spoil the evening. She knew it couldn’t last and that at some point they would have to break up, but not tonight. Tonight she was going to be with Ewan.
The thought sent heat flowing through her veins and she picked up her glass and took a sip of the wine. Their lovemaking had continued to be incredible. Although it seemed impossible, each time they made love it simply got better. She’d read that phrase about two people becoming one and dismissed it; now she knew it could and did happen. She couldn’t imagine how she was going to feel when Ewan was no longer part of her life.
‘That was delicious.’ Putting down her glass, she smiled at him, refusing to go down that path. It was the here and now that mattered, not what happened in the future. ‘How did you find this place? You never said.’
‘One of the nurses recommended it.’ Ewan sat back in his chair and groaned. ‘I am so full I think I might burst!’
‘Oh, I see. She’s got good taste, obviously,’ Becky replied, trying to keep the edge out of her voice. Feeling jealous at the thought of the nurse recommending the restaurant to him was ridiculous. Ewan was free to talk to whomever he liked.
‘He.’ He smiled but there was a glint in his eyes that told her he’d picked up on her feelings. ‘It was Rob who recommended the place to me. He’s one of the charge nurses on the unit and a great guy too.’
‘My mistake.’ Becky attempted to brush it off but Ewan wasn’t prepared to let it go.
; ‘I’m not seeing anyone else, Becky, firstly because I don’t want to and secondly because it wouldn’t be right when I’m seeing you.’
‘I didn’t meant to imply that you were,’ she said shortly, and he sighed.
‘Maybe not, but you’re bound to have doubts after what Steve did.’ He shrugged. ‘I know I had a reputation for playing the field in the past and that it was probably justified too. But I’m strictly a one-woman-at-a-time kind of a guy.’
‘I know.’ Becky smiled, putting every scrap of effort into making it appear genuine; however, his reassurances had done little to comfort her. Ewan might not choose to date more than one woman at a time but he hadn’t claimed that he’d be eternally faithful to her, had he?
As that was the last thing she wanted, Becky realised how ridiculous she was being. She put it out of her mind as Ewan paid the bill. They walked back to his flat hand in hand because they both needed the contact. Ewan let them in, then took her in his arms as he kicked the door shut.
‘Got you to myself at last,’ he growled in a tone that was meant to be humorous but somehow fell short of the mark.
Becky closed her eyes as he kissed her, letting herself be carried away by the feel of his mouth and the promise of his touch. He was as eager for her as she was for him and that was all that mattered. As he led her into his bedroom, she knew that no matter what happened in the future, she would always have this. Ewan made her feel whole again, complete. Nobody else could have done this, only him. He made her feel like a real woman and she loved him all the more because of it.
Their lovemaking seemed to reach new heights that night, as though they both needed to prove to themselves as well as to each other how deep their feelings were. As Becky lay in his arms later, she knew that nothing could ever be as profound as what they had just shared. If this wasn’t love then what was? The thought filled her with dread. She couldn’t allow Ewan to fall in love with her!
‘I love you.’
The words were so softly spoken that for a moment Becky thought they had escaped from her head, but then she realised that Ewan was looking at her and her heart seemed to freeze.
‘No. Please don’t say that.’
‘Why not when it’s true?’ He brushed her mouth with his knuckles and a spasm passed through her, compounded partly of fear and partly of desire. ‘I love you, Becky, and not saying it won’t change how I feel.’
‘I don’t want you to love me, though!’ The words slid out before she could stop them and she saw him wince.
‘Because you still love Steve?’ He shrugged, deliberately trying to downplay the hurt she could see in his eyes. ‘I understand, Becky. Really I do.’
Becky knew that she could leave it there, that he would accept it and not push her, but it seemed wrong to let him believe a lie. ‘It isn’t that.’
‘No? Then what is it?’ He laid his hand against her cheek. ‘Tell me, sweetheart. I don’t want there to be any secrets between us even if the truth is far more painful.’
‘I...’ She stopped, afraid to go on yet unable to mislead him. She loved him too but that wasn’t the issue. It was bigger than that, far, far bigger. She took a steadying breath. ‘One day you’ll want to have a family, won’t you, Ewan?’
His hand lowered as he stared at her in confusion. ‘Probably, yes. But what’s that got to do with it?’ He paused for a moment then said slowly, ‘Are you saying that you don’t want any more children, Becky?’
Becky knew she could use that as her excuse but it would be wrong. Ewan deserved the truth, nothing less. ‘No. I would love to have more children but it isn’t possible. I had a hysterectomy following the accident. The fact is that I can’t have any more children—now do you understand?’
He did. He understood perfectly. All of a sudden Ewan couldn’t speak, couldn’t move, could barely breathe as the enormity of what she’d said hit him: Becky couldn’t have any more children. She could never have his child.
‘I’m so sorry, Ewan. This is exactly what I was trying to avoid. I never wanted to hurt you.’
Tears clogged her voice and the feeling came rushing back to his limbs. Reaching out, he pulled her into his arms, praying that he could find a way to comfort her. If he was hurting, how much worse must it be for her? ‘It’s all right, my love. Don’t cry. It isn’t your fault. None of it is your fault.’
His voice broke at that point, the tears he’d been struggling to hold back streaming down his face, and it was her turn to offer comfort. Wrapping her arms around him, she held him to her and he could feel her love pouring out of her and into him. It was almost too painful to realise how much she loved him at this most desperately sad moment.
They clung to one another for a long time before Ewan gently set her away from him. Although it was a blow to discover that they could never have a child, it didn’t change how he felt about her. He loved her with all his heart, needed her in his life, couldn’t imagine a future without her. Now all he had to do was convince her that their relationship could work.
‘I wish it could have been different, Becky, really I do, but it doesn’t alter how I feel about you. I love you and the fact that we can’t have a family doesn’t change anything.’
‘Maybe not at the moment it doesn’t but it could do in the future.’ Her tone was bleak. ‘The time will come when you realise just how much you are missing by not having a family of your own. I know how fond you are of your nephews and nieces and it’s only natural that you’d want a child of your own one day. I can never give you a child, Ewan, and I couldn’t bear it if you ended up hating me for denying you something so important.’
‘I could never hate you!’ He went to take her in his arms again, appalled that she could think such a thing, but she pushed him away.
‘You don’t know how you’ll feel in a few years’ time and it’s a risk I’m not prepared to take.’
‘So you think it’s better that we split up?’ he said harshly, scarcely able to believe what was happening. To plummet from the heights of euphoria to the depths of despair in mere minutes was just too much to take in.
‘Yes, I do. I won’t be responsible for ruining your life, Ewan.’
‘You could never do that.’ He captured her hands and held them tightly, willing her to understand that he meant every word. ‘I need you, Becky. I know we can be happy even if we can’t have a child together. We’ll have Millie, don’t forget, and she’s such a joy.’
‘She is but she isn’t your flesh and blood, Ewan.’
‘I don’t care about that—really I don’t!’ He gripped her hands harder, desperate to convince her. ‘I love her and I can’t think of anything I’d like more than to be a proper father to her.’
‘And you’d be a wonderful father too. I know that, Ewan, but it doesn’t change how I feel. It wouldn’t be fair to allow you to sacrifice your chances of having a child of your own for me and Millie.’
She gently freed herself and tossed back the quilt. Ewan lay quite still, his head reeling, his heart in turmoil. He could try again to change her mind but he knew it would be a waste of time. Becky had made her decision and nothing he said would change it.
Despair washed over him in a huge grey tide. He couldn’t bear to imagine how empty his life was going to be without her. When Becky came back and climbed into bed beside him, he drew her into his arms, drinking in the scent of her skin, the warmth of her body, the very essence of her being.
‘I love you, Becky. Always remember that,’ he said, his voice grating.
‘And I love you too.’
The words should have been the sweetest in the world but they filled him with pain. Ewan closed his eyes, praying that sleep would offer some relief from the agony, although he knew it would be only temporary. Nothing was going to change. Tomorrow he would have to learn to live without her and he wasn’t sure if he could do it.
* * *
It was raining when Becky got up the next morning. Surprisingly, she had slept heavily, her min
d too filled with pain to dream. She made coffee and took a mug through to the bedroom for Ewan. He was wide awake, staring at the ceiling, and she didn’t need to ask what he was thinking. It was obvious from his expression how devastated he felt.
‘Don’t.’ She put the mug on the bedside table and sat down on the edge of the bed. ‘I don’t want you torturing yourself, Ewan. You have to accept that you and I are going nowhere and get on with your life. It’s as simple as that.’
‘Is it?’ His smile was forced. ‘Then why do I feel like this? If it’s so simple, I should know that you’ve made the right decision.’
‘It’s been a shock. Once you’re thinking clearly, you’ll see that it would be a mistake if we got back together properly.’
‘Properly? So the last few weeks don’t really count?’ His laughter was harsh and she flinched. ‘Thanks a bunch, sweetheart. You really know how to cheer a guy up.’
‘I didn’t say that. Of course they count. They’ve been wonderful, the most wonderful time of my life, in fact.’ She shook her head when he went to speak. ‘But that was before we faced the facts and the fact is that if we stay together, we can’t have a family. I can’t give you a child, Ewan. Not ever.’
She stood up, unable to go over it all again. Picking up her clothes, she went into the bathroom and took a shower, trying not to think about the times Ewan had joined her there. There was no point thinking about what had happened and certainly no point thinking about what might have been. Their relationship had to end. And she had to make sure it did, no matter what Ewan said.
He was in the kitchen when she went to find him. He looked round and her heart ached when she saw the anguish in his eyes. He was hurting badly and what made it worse was knowing that she was responsible.
The Rebel Who Loved Her Page 14