by Lynda Stacey
Chapter Eleven
The sound of bleeping, mumbling and chairs being dragged across floors reverberated through the air as Jess walked along the hospital corridor. The feeling of nerves, sickness and trepidation all passed through her body at once, and she turned to look back at the hospital entrance, wondering if she should make a run for it and leave now, rather than face Bastion Collymore, the man who claimed to be her father.
She’d spent the whole night wondering what she’d say to him, how she’d act and, most of all, how she’d feel when she actually got to look him in the eye. Was she supposed to have an immediate love for this man, a natural affinity, purely because he was her father? Should she hug him, kiss him, shake hands with him, or just sit back and ask him where the hell he’d been hiding for the last twenty years? There were so many emotions running through her body, with her pregnancy making them worse, and she had no idea how she was supposed to feel or think. Nothing had prepared her for this day. Especially now, just after losing Emily.
She took a deep breath and looked down at Lily who happily trotted beside her in her new, more comfortable fur-lined boots. A huge smile covered her face, and her small hand continually stroked the red material of the new coat that Jess had just bought her. ‘It’s the prettiest coat, Jess. I look like Little Red Riding Hood, don’t I?’ She suddenly stopped skipping and looked up. ‘But … but … she was pretty, with curly blonde hair, wasn’t she?’
Jess’s heart went out to the child. She knew exactly what thoughts were going through her mind, because they were ones Jess had had herself as a child of a similar age. ‘Oh, Lily. You’re not just pretty, you’re beautiful. Just look at you.’ She stopped in her tracks, knelt down in the middle of the corridor and took the child by the hands. ‘Do you know how many people want to look like us?’ She paused and stroked Lily’s cheek. ‘People pay a fortune to be like us. They go on exotic holidays, lie in sunbeds, or pay for tanning creams, just so they can have lovely tanned mocha skin, like we do.’ Jess wiped a tear from the little girl’s eye. ‘It’s true, Lily. I know you think that the only girls that are pretty are the ones with the curly blonde hair, but all of those girls, do you know what they want?’ She paused and smiled. ‘They all want to look like you, honestly. And they wouldn’t want that if you weren’t really pretty, now would they?’
‘But all the fairy princesses have white skin,’ Lily replied.
‘Oh, my darling, that’s not true. What about Jasmine from Aladdin? And Moana? Always remember that you’re surrounded by people who love you and skin colour doesn’t matter, in fact it’s the last thing that matters. We’re all the same in here.’ She placed a hand on her heart and smiled. ‘And your daddy, you know for a fact that he loves you and … what … what about your mummy? I bet she loves you too?’ Jess beamed as she remembered the unconditional love that her own mother had given her. But Lily looked thoughtful.
‘I don’t see Mummy very often. She isn’t very nice.’ Lily drew circles on the floor with her foot. ‘She smells, and acts funny and she always wants to talk to Daddy and tells me to go to my room and play. Which is really hard ’cause my room was the living room. I had a settee that turned into a bed.’ She continued to stare at the floor and shook her head. ‘So, no, I don’t think she likes me very much, and I’m really sure she doesn’t love me.’
Jess was shocked at the child’s words. She was still kneeling before Lily and she looked up and down the hospital corridor, wishing they were somewhere more private. ‘Oh, Lily, I’m sure you must be wrong, how can anyone not love you?’ she questioned. ‘You’re such a great kid, and I’m so lucky to get you as my very own sister.’ Jess stroked her cheek and smiled when she saw the immediate delight in Lily’s eyes. But deep inside Jess felt the guilt sear through her. To tell the child that she had a sister felt like a betrayal, when in reality it was still possible that Bastion was not her father and she might not be related to Lily at all. For the hundredth time in as many hours, Jess wished that her own mother was still alive. It was now that she needed her the most and maybe if she were still here, she’d be able to ask the questions and get the answers that she so desperately needed.
Jess opened her handbag and searched inside. She spotted an old envelope and pulled it from the bag along with a pen. ‘Okay, I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. On this envelope I’m going to write down my phone number and inside it …’ She reached for her purse. ‘… inside it I’m going to put two pound coins. This means that if ever you feel scared, afraid or if you just need me, you can call me. Okay?’ She placed the envelope in the top zip pocket of Lily’s coat, fastened the zipper and patted Lily on the shoulder.
‘Can we go and see Daddy now?’ Lily asked. ‘I’m going to tell him all about Nomsa and the pancakes. I’m going to tell him about how I slept in a real bed, and I’m going to show him my new shoes and coat,’ Lily said as she pulled on Jess’s hand. ‘He’ll be so excited to see you, Jess. Are you really excited too?’
Bastion Collymore was in a four-bedded bay. A monitor continually bleeped by his side. It was loud, persistent and annoying and he tried his best to ignore it while using his arms to hold his chest as he coughed. His mind was doing somersaults with the anxiety of not knowing how Lily was. He needed to know who was looking after her and if she was all right. Oh, he knew he’d left her at the Hall, and hoped that Nomsa would have taken care of her, or maybe she’d met with Jess and she’d taken care of Lily. It was either that or already his princess would have been taken into care and would already be with foster parents, the place where he least wanted her to be.
He mentally kicked himself for travelling up country in the first place. It had been a long way, not only for Lily, but also for himself. It had been a cold, harsh journey and deep down he’d known that if he’d stayed in London one of their neighbours would have taken them in. One of them would have fed them and looked after them for a week or two. But no. He’d wanted better for Lily. He’d wanted her as far away from Annie as he could get her and had set off from London knowing he was sick, knowing he should have stayed and knowing that he should have got some medical help.
So why hadn’t he? Why hadn’t he spent the money on a cheap second-hand mattress? It wouldn’t have cost that much, they could have shared and he guessed that they’d have managed for a few weeks, at least until he’d got himself well and back to work. After all, they’d become quite adept at making a corned beef stew feed them for three days at a time. So why had he wanted to come here? Why had he wanted to escape from London? Had it all been about Annie, had he hated her so much that he’d taken her daughter so very far away, just to stop her messing with her life?
He’d brought Lily up here in search of strangers, people who’d never met either of them, and now all he could hope for was that his Lily was safe, and those strangers in that house were looking after her. He’d left her with people she didn’t know and she was probably scared, terrified even, and it was his fault. He only had himself to blame and guilt tore through him.
He needed to get well again. He needed to leave the hospital, contact the authorities and find somewhere to live. Somewhere where he could look after his daughter and keep her safe. He closed his eyes and leaned back against the pillows. He knew that he was running out of options. Without money he knew that finding a new place would be close to impossible, but hoped that with having Lily he’d go to the top of a housing list, especially if he told them what Annie had done and that he’d felt the need to leave the flat in London for Lily’s own safety.
Yes, that’s what he’d do. He couldn’t imagine living without Lily, therefore he had to man up and do something to keep them both together. When her mother had left, he’d promised to look after her, promised she’d never wish for anything, promised her that she’d always be happy, yet here they were with nothing, not even a roof to put over their heads. He’d failed her.
Bastion closed his eyes and once again tried to ignore the bleeping. He wanted Lily to ha
ve what all other children had at this time of year. They had homes, they had wishes and dreams, with Christmas trees, gifts below it and an anticipation of what was to come, all while they waited for the big man, for Santa, to visit. But his Lily, she had none of that, not this year and the thought of it all broke his heart.
‘Daddy, we’re here. Did you miss me? And look, I have new shoes and a coat. Me and Jess, we went shopping. She bought them for me, aren’t they beautiful?’ The sound of Lily’s voice rang out as she ran into the ward, jumped up and onto the bed and quite literally threw her arms around him, making him hug her as tightly as he could while he sighed with relief. ‘And look, they don’t have holes or rub me like the old ones.’ She pointed to the shoes. ‘The old ones gave me blisters, Daddy. Look, do you see? Jess had to put plasters on my heels. They were bleeding.’
‘You … you didn’t have to buy her clothes.’ He looked across as Jess entered the room. ‘I can buy her clothes.’ He glanced down at the coat. It was snug, well made and Lily looked warm. He knew he should be grateful, and knew she desperately needed the coat, but felt more than embarrassed that someone else had not only seen that need, but had acted upon it so swiftly.
‘Well, we needed some sisterly bonding time, so we hit the shops. Didn’t we, Lily?’ Jess said as she stood before him, shuffling. Bastion looked up to where she stood and smiled. He knew that she too must be nervous. After all, him landing on her doorstep, quite literally, had all been quite a surprise to her. She’d had no idea of his pending arrival and from what her boyfriend had said the night before, his appearance had been the last thing she’d needed following the funeral. For that he felt sorry, as well as knowing that not many girls got to be twenty year olds before they got to meet their father.
‘Look, I’m sorry. It’s just …’ He leaned back against the pillows and coughed. ‘The shoes and the coat, they’re beautiful, I appreciate what you did, thank you.’ He then ruffled Lily’s hair. ‘Did you say thank you, Lily?’ Once again he hugged the child as close as he could. She smelled of soap, and of posh shampoo and for the first time in days he saw a sparkle in her eyes.
‘She did say thank you, honestly,’ Jess cut in, once again shuffling on the spot. ‘We got new socks and underwear too. I hope that’s okay? The ones Lily had were a little past their best.’
Bastion nodded. ‘It’s more than okay, it’s very generous and as soon as I’m on my feet, I’d like to pay you back.’
Jess shook her head. ‘Seriously, there’s no need.’ She didn’t know what to do and moved to sit in the chair. ‘Did the doctors say when you’d be released?’
Bastion looked down to where Lily snuggled in and nodded. ‘They said that I could leave tomorrow. So long as I rest.’ He sighed, knowing that he had nowhere to go and would need to contact the authorities before he’d be allowed to leave.
‘That’s great. Isn’t that great, Lily?’ Her question was directed at the child, who was still cuddling into her father. ‘I’ll ask Nomsa to make sure the bed is changed in room five, as soon as we know. It’s one of the only twin rooms in the hotel, and where Lily slept last night. I stayed with her, I hope that’s okay? You see it’s a big house and I thought she might be frightened if I left her alone.’ She paused. ‘But once you’re back, I’m sure you’d rather be the one to share the room with her.’ Jess’s enthusiasm shone through and Bastion swallowed hard with emotion as he realised that she was offering him somewhere to stay.
‘I … I can’t …’ he stuttered. ‘I mean, it’s very kind of you but I didn’t come here to impose.’ His voice broke; by turning the offer down he’d be rendering himself homeless, rendering Lily homeless and possibly losing the only opportunity he’d ever have to get to know Jess. When he’d decided to come here, he hadn’t had a plan, he hadn’t known what would happen, all he’d known was that he couldn’t stay where he was. The last thing he’d ever intended was to take advantage.
Jess’s face lit up with kindness. ‘Don’t be crazy, where else would you go? Lily told me what happened and that you slept in a doorway just to get here. Besides, it’s the week before Christmas and if you’re planning on staying in the area, you’ll need to contact the council, but they’ll be closed until the New Year. So, if you want to, you can stay for a week or two until you are well enough to sort something out.’ She smiled at him. ‘What’s more, Nomsa would be so annoyed with me if I didn’t bring you back to the Hall. You certainly left an impression upon her. She was singing your praises only this morning and as far as I’m aware she’s already baking and getting ready to feed you back up.’
‘Did someone mention my name?’ Nomsa laughed as she entered the ward, carrying a small wicker basket. ‘I thought you’d like some of my chocolate brownies, I made them special this morning, I did.’ She looked directly at Bastion, their eyes connected and he smiled in appreciation of the basket. She was a fine woman, and he wondered which heaven he’d fallen into. ‘Besides,’ she continued, ‘I thought that Lily and I could pop along to the hospital shop, give you two a little while alone.’ She glanced back at Bastion and then at where Jess sat by the side of the bed. ‘Come on, sugar.’ The words were directed at Lily. ‘Let’s go find you some proper food, ’cause all I remember you eating today was my pancakes.’
Lily jumped up, took Nomsa’s hand and happily followed her out of the ward, leaving Bastion and Jess alone.
Jess stood up and moved to lean against the wall. Now she had the opportunity to ask Bastion anything she wanted, she had no idea what to say.
‘So …’ she began. ‘Now we are expected to talk.’ She laughed and looked at the men in the other three beds. Two of them were asleep, but the other seemed quite interested in what she had to say and so she moved to the side of the bed, pulled the curtain closed and once again sat down on the chair.
‘Jess, I don’t know what to say, but … I’m so sorry.’ He looked down as he spoke, genuinely sad and Jess believed that he really was sorry. She just didn’t know what for. Was he sorry for leaving, or was he sorry for not having been in touch for the first twenty years of her life?
‘You’re sorry for what?’
‘For everything.’ He began to cough. ‘First, I’m sorry about your mother. She was a good and fine woman.’ His hand lifted to his square jawline. He rubbed his chin and then looked over at the bathroom. ‘I … I’d have had a shave if I’d realised you were coming, so I’m sorry for that too.’
Jess let out a deep sigh. ‘I want a DNA test. It’s for the best and everyone says that I should get one done,’ she suddenly blurted out. ‘I looked into it this morning. We can get a result within just a few days. Only problem is it’s just under two hundred pounds.’ She closed her eyes and looked down at the floor, but Bastion reached over and took her hand.
‘My dear girl. I’d have the test tomorrow, today even, anytime you ask, if that’s what you want, but I’m sorry, I just don’t have that sort of money.’ Once again he looked embarrassed. ‘Maybe in a few weeks, once I’ve seen the authorities, once I’ve got Lily and I somewhere safe to be.’ He stopped and swallowed. ‘Then, my beautiful girl, then I’ll make it a priority.’
Jess nodded. She’d known he wouldn’t be able to pay and kicked herself for mentioning the price. ‘It’s okay. I’ll pay for it,’ she whispered, still looking down at their hands. ‘But if it’s negative, you’ll be owing me the money. Is that a deal?’
Bastion lifted her hand to his lips. He kissed the back of it and then looked up and into her eyes, while his other hand patted hers. ‘Positive or negative. It’s a deal. I’ll pay for it either way.’ Jess could see the tears in his eyes as he spoke. ‘But I can tell you now. I have absolutely no doubt in my heart that you’re my daughter, Jess. No doubt at all.’
Jess was silent. She didn’t know what to say to him. She felt as though her demands could have offended him and tried to think of a way to explain. ‘I’m sorry if you think I should just believe you and I don’t mean to doubt you, but you
see … we’ve had a hell of a year.’
Bastion once again patted the back of her hand. ‘You don’t have to explain … I don’t mind taking the test.’
Jess liked him. He seemed genuine and she left her hand held within his. ‘I kind of do have to explain, Bastion. My sister—’
‘Madeleine, ah yes, how is she?’
Jess nodded. ‘She’s fine. But last year she was with a man we all trusted, a man she went to live with. It … it was him that killed Mum. He also killed Madeleine’s husband, her father and her literary agent. Sounds like a novel, doesn’t it?’ She took a deep breath. ‘Then … then he tried to kill both Maddie and me. He burned down the hotel from which both Nomsa and Poppy only just managed to escape and that’s what you’ll have seen in the papers. So now, and unfortunately for you, we’re all a bit on the cautious side.’ She pursed her lips. ‘Sorry.’
Bastion sat forward on the bed. ‘First, I’m so sorry I wasn’t allowed to get to know you before now and second, I owe you such an explanation.’
Jess nodded. ‘An explanation would be nice. I mean where the hell were you for so many years?’ She looked down at her feet, wishing she’d been just a little more tactful.
Once again, Bastion took hold of her hand. ‘If I could have been, I’d have watched you grow, I’d have tucked you up in bed every single night and I’d have read you every book that the library would lend us. But, my dear girl, it wasn’t my choice.’ He stopped and rubbed her hand in his. ‘Your mother and I, we loved each other, we did. But she was a mother first and foremost. She thought that by staying with Morris, by pushing me away, she was doing right by her children. After all, until the moment you were born, she had no idea which one of us was the father.’ He looked up and directly into her eyes. ‘I should have fought harder for you, but she made it clear that her choice had been made and I loved her enough to let her go. I thought she’d be happier without me.’ He closed his eyes, released her hand and gripped his ribs while coughing.