by Janet Albert
A while later, Paula and Kristen went off to attend to dinner preparations, leaving Lucia and Juliet alone. As though Juliet knew Lucia was struggling internally, she got up from her own seat and went over to sit next to her. "This has to be awfully hard for you," she said, resting her hand on Lucia's.
Lucia curled her fingers around Juliet's. "It is." Lucia closed her eyes and gripped Juliet's hand for dear life. If she couldn't talk to her, how was she going to get through the rest of the evening? "I was afraid to come here. We lived right next door and I didn't know what it would be like to be faced with so many memories. Now I'm not sure I have the strength to see this through."
"You'll get through it. You're a strong person."
"You think I'm strong?" Lucia shook her head. "I'm not."
"Is there anything I can do to make it easier?"
"Just be with me."
"I'm right here and if you need to leave after dinner just make up some excuse and we'll go. Whatever you need to do to is fine with me." Juliet put her other hand on top of their joined hands. She was about to say something when Paula burst into the patio and announced that they were ready to eat.
DINNER AND CASUAL conversation temporarily allayed Lucia's concerns and by the time dinner ended it was getting dark outside. Paula proposed they return to the living room for coffee and dessert. On the way, Lucia lagged behind the others, unable to resist pausing at the window to catch a glimpse of her former home. A soft light shone in the room she and Devin had used as a den although she couldn't see what was in there now thanks to the partially drawn curtains.
Outdoor lighting illuminated several areas in the yard and she noticed that the tree Devin had planted in memory of her grandmother had been chopped down. Devin had hoped the tree would grow and fill that corner of the yard providing shade and a home for the birds she loved to feed. Lucia wondered how big the tree had grown before it was cut down. That was something she would never know because the tree was gone. And Devin was gone as well. She was gone forever.
Lucia felt as if a knife had been wedged into her chest. The piercing pain made her wince and clutch at her breast as she tried to breathe. A jolt of panic raced through her as she realized her worst fears were about to come true. She was going to lose it right here, right now, and she didn't know what to do. Tearing herself away from the window, she hurried into the living room.
"There you are," Paula said. "We thought you got lost."
"I was looking at my house and..." Lucia saw the concern on her friends' faces as they all stared at her. She must have looked like a raving lunatic, her eyes darting from one person to the other. "Somebody cut the tree down!"
"We were hoping you wouldn't see that," Kristen said.
"Well, I did." Lucia was in danger of bleeding to death right there in front of them and if she did start to bleed, no one would be able to save her. "What do they care? It's their fucking house now!" She collapsed into the nearest chair.
Paula must have thought she should be the one to explain the situation to Juliet. "Lucia's partner had the tree planted after her grandmother died. It was--"
"Jesus! You promised!" Lucia jumped to her feet.
"I'm sorry, I was only--"
"Don't say another word." Lucia held up her hand to silence Paula. "I can't take any more of this. I have to get out of here. " She bolted for the front door.
"Wait! Where are you going?" Paula yelled after her. Her face had turned a bright red. "Lucia, please don't go."
Lucia turned to Paula, just for a moment. What she was about to do was unkind and unfair, but she had no other choice. "I have to get out of here. Please take Juliet back to the hotel for me."
EVERYONE STOOD PARALYZED as they listened to the front door slam. Juliet ran out onto the porch only to see the rental car screeching out of the driveway and onto the road. Before she could take another step, the rear lights disappeared from view.
Kristen turned to Paula, her hands on her hips. "Damn it, Paula, look what you've gone and done. What's the matter with you?"
"What the hell did I say? And don't blame me because it isn't my fault she saw the tree." Paula folded her arms across her chest and frowned. "Shit."
"You can say that again," Kristen said.
"Shit, shit, shit," Paula repeated, glaring at Kristen. After holding the glare long enough to convey her displeasure, her features relaxed. "We didn't do anything wrong and we shouldn't be fighting with each other. This was hard for everyone and I think that no matter what anyone said or did she would probably have been upset at some point. We thought she could deal with this and she must have thought so, too, or she wouldn't have come."
"You're right. I'm sorry," Kristen put her arm around Paula.
"We're sorry about this," they said to Juliet in unison.
"So am I, sorry for you and sorry for her." Juliet had feared this would happen. She followed Paula and Kristen back into the living room and when they were all seated, she said, "It breaks my heart to see the pain in her eyes day after day and not be able to help her. Getting to know her hasn't been easy and we've had our conflicts. In spite of it all, we've become friends and I care about her."
"We care about her, too," Kristen said. "We only wish we could help her."
"Maybe you can," Juliet told them. "You can start by telling me about Devin's death. Lucia never told me the details and I knew better than to ask her. Maybe that would help me understand what she went through and then I might be able to help her more."
"I don't think she'd want us to do that," Paula said.
"You might as well at this point," Juliet said. "It seems like it's all coming to a head and I'm willing to risk her anger. I'll even take the blame."
Kristen and Paula looked at each other and reached a decision without exchanging a word. "I suppose we've got nothing to lose."
Paula began telling the story. "It was their tenth anniversary and they were having a party and commitment ceremony at their home. Their families were here, their friends, everybody they knew."
"This isn't going anyplace good, is it?" Juliet remarked.
"No it isn't." Paula's face was transformed with sorrow.
Kristen took over for her. "On the day of the party, Lucia's office called and said she had to come in for an emergency meeting. She tried to get out of it, but she couldn't. Her boss promised she'd only have to be there for an hour at the most."
"She was supposed to pick up the cake on her way home," Paula added, having recovered her composure. "Once Lucia got to her office, she found out she'd be stuck there a lot longer and she'd only have time to get home and get ready before the party started. Her secretary called Devin and told her she'd have to get someone else to go for the cake. We know all this because we were at their house helping Devin."
Kristen resumed telling the story. "Devin was furious because Lucia had let her down again because of her job. She called Lucia back, but Lucia got mad and told Devin to get the damned cake and they'd discuss it later."
"We offered to get the cake for her," Paula said. "But Devin said no. She took one of her cousins and went to pick it up herself. They had an accident on the way home and--" Paula opened her mouth but no words came out.
"Devin was killed instantly," Kristen said.
Juliet gasped and covered her mouth.
"Her cousin survived, but she had severe injuries."
"Oh, God, that's horrible. I don't know how Lucia got through that," Juliet said.
"It was the worst day ever," Paula said, having found her voice again. "The police came to their house and told Lucia's brother. He was here with his family."
"Who told Lucia?" Juliet asked.
Paula answered. "Luke called her and told her there was a family emergency and she had to come home right away. The police told her when she got there. According to the police, it was a freak accident, nothing more than a series of unfortunate circumstances that all came together."
"How did Devin actually die?" Juliet asked.
"She hit her head and bled into her brain. She was cremated so there was no viewing. At her memorial service they had her picture next to the urn containing her ashes."
"So Lucia never really saw her again?" That fact was particularly difficult for Juliet to take in and she felt tears filling her eyes.
"Not alive, no," Paula said. "And neither did we."
"Did her family take her ashes?" Juliet asked.
"No. They were completely supportive of Lucia and Devin's relationship and they let Lucia have them. She took them with her when she left."
Juliet wiped her eyes. "Now I understand what Lucia has been through. I expected to hear something bad, but I didn't expect it to be that bad."
"We thought the world of Devin," Kristen said. "We lost a good friend that day."
"We lost two good friends that day," Paula said.
"What happened after that?" Juliet asked.
Kristen continued. "Luke stayed with Lucia for the first couple of weeks. She took a leave of absence at first and eventually she quit her job. "
"We checked on her every day after he went home," Paula said. "We brought her food, even though she hardly ate, and sometimes we stayed with her or she stayed over here. About two months later, Luke helped her sell her house and furniture, and then he took her home with him."
"Lucia made a lot of money, they both did," Kristen explained. "Devin left all she had to Lucia. From what we understood, she had savings, accidental death insurance and some investments."
"That's how Lucia bought the winery." Juliet took a deep breath.
"We always thought of it as some kind of cosmic joke that Devin's death left Lucia well off and forced her to move back home," Paula said. "Devin loved that area. She had an Aunt who lived in Ithaca and that's why she went to Cornell. She and Lucia met there and moved here after they graduated. They liked it here, but they talked about wanting to go live there again someday."
Juliet rose to her feet. "I need to find Lucia. I'm sure she must be hurting and I can't bear to think of her alone."
Paula got up. "First let me call the hotel and see if she's there."
When she returned, Paula reported that the desk clerk hadn't seen Lucia come in and that no one answered the phone in their room.
"Do you have any idea where she might have gone?" Juliet asked.
"Kristen, do you remember that lesbian bar we all used to go to?"
"It's a long shot, but she might be there," Kristen said.
"Let's go and see if she is," Juliet said. "She's been in the habit of going to a lesbian bar at home whenever she gets upset, so she might have gone there."
Everyone gathered near the front door and Paula grabbed her car keys from the hall table. "Here's what we'll do. We'll go to the bar and if she's not there we'll drive you back to your hotel. She'll have to show up eventually."
Chapter Seventeen
PAULA DROPPED JULIET off near the entrance to the bar while she and Kristen went in search of a parking place. Juliet stepped inside and waited for her eyes to adjust. Once images began to form again, she saw a scene unfold before her unlike any she'd ever witnessed. Women were everywhere. They were together in a way that was foreign to her making her feel like she'd been transported through a portal into another world. It took her a few moments before she could move.
Weaving a path through the throng, she scanned every face praying she'd stumble on to Lucia's. A few heads turned as she passed by and once or twice she thought she heard a comment. She was a stranger and she probably appeared stranger yet as she intensely scrutinized every person in the place. As she was about to give up, one final inspection produced a partial view of Lucia seated at the opposite end of the bar. A bit of clever maneuvering was all it took to get closer to her.
Lucia was whispering in the ear of a young, attractive woman with very short dark hair. An empty drink glass sat on the bar in front of her and she held another drink in her hand. Judging by the glassy sheen of her eyes and the manner in which she moved, Juliet was convinced she'd been drinking steadily since she got to the bar.
"Lucia." Juliet tapped her on the shoulder.
Lucia stared in disbelief as if she didn't recognize Juliet. "What are you doing here? How did you even think to look for me in this bar?"
"Paula and Kristen thought you might be here."
"They remembered this place?" Lucia's words ran together. "Are they here?"
"They're parking the car." Juliet wrapped her hand around Lucia's arm.
"Great. A group rescue."
"We were worried about you."
Lucia looked miserable. "I'm sorry I left, I really am, but you didn't need to come looking for me. I would have gone to the hotel later on."
"I know," Juliet said.
"Are you mad at me? Are they mad at me?"
"No one is mad, just concerned," Juliet said. Her next words were directed at the woman Lucia was with. "Would you mind? I need to talk to my friend in private."
The woman silently slid off the barstool and melted into the crowd.
"Thanks a lot," Lucia said. "I was getting somewhere with that one."
"I don't want you to get anywhere with her," Juliet said as she climbed up onto the vacant bar stool.
"Why the hell not?"
"I don't know, I just don't," Juliet said. "Please."
Lucia closed her eyes. "Then what do you want?"
"I want you to come back to the hotel with me."
Lucia opened her eyes and looked directly into Juliet's. "Why?"
"I care about you, that's why."
"I don't know how you can care about me after all I've done to you. You should hate me." Lucia ran her fingers through her hair. "Do yourself a favor and get away from me."
"I don't want to get away from you. I want to help you," Juliet said.
"A few more drinks will help me more than you ever could."
"And being with that woman?"
Lucia grimaced. "That might have helped, at least tonight."
"It's not going to work, you know."
"What's not going to work?" Lucia asked.
"Getting drunk and having sex with strangers."
"So far, it's been working okay." Lucia's head swayed.
"For one night, maybe."
"That's all I can give them."
"Don't you want more than that?"
Lucia appeared to give the question careful consideration. "It doesn't have to last any longer than that. It doesn't mean anything to me."
"I meant, don't you want more in your life?"
"I don't want any ties. I don't want anyone to know me."
"I don't believe you," Juliet said.
Anger sparked in Lucia's eyes. "Why the hell should you care?"
"I've asked myself that question, but I have no answer. I only know that I do," Juliet said. "Maybe being with a stranger helps you forget for a while, but when you get rid of your one-night stand and sober up, you're alone again wallowing in your grief."
"You think I wallow?" Lucia took a gulp of her drink and stared straight ahead. After a moment, she turned her head. "Don't you do enough for me without providing mental health services? I don't remember that being in your job description."
"Now you're making me mad," Juliet said sharply. "I'm not here as your employee and I was under the impression that we'd moved beyond this."
Lucia looked at her and said nothing.
"You need to deal with your pain if you ever plan to get better," Juliet said, thinking she might be getting through to Lucia at last. "I think you know that."
"I do know that."
Juliet rested her hand on Lucia's shoulder. "I'm not going to let you push me away. Your friends told me all about what happened to Devin."
"Of course they did. That's just great." Lucia squeezed her eyes shut. "Remind me to thank them if I ever speak to them again."
"Don't take it out on them. I made them tell me."
Lucia opened her eyes. "I'm not ma
d at them or you."
"I wish you had told me yourself. You could have, you know."
Lucia's voice was low and Juliet could barely hear her. "Don't you see? I couldn't talk about it. If I could have, you would have been the one I would have talked to."
"You once said you wouldn't talk to me about it. Especially not to me, you said."
"That was true then, but not anymore," Lucia said.
Juliet let her hand roam across Lucia's back as she pulled her closer.
Lucia wrapped her arms around Juliet as much as their positions allowed. Bringing her lips to Juliet's ear, she whispered, "Thank you for coming for me."
Juliet dissolved in Lucia's arms. She wanted to stay there forever, to be there for her, to comfort her and make her feel better. And she wanted to touch her.
PAULA'S VOICE, BREATHLESSLY announcing how relieved she and Kristen were to have found them, intruded into Lucia's consciousness. Reluctantly, Lucia pulled away from Juliet's embrace and acknowledged her friends. "Hello ladies."
"Sorry we took so long. We couldn't find a parking place," Paula said.
"How are you doing, Lucia?" Kristen asked.
"Not bad. I hear you two spilled my terrible story to Juliet."
"Don't be angry," Paula said. "We told her because she thought she could help if she understood what you went through. She cares about you."
"So do we," Kristen said.
"I know and I'm not angry at any of you," Lucia said. "I'm just plain angry." How much longer could she go on keeping everyone at a safe distance? Her grief, like some sinister black ooze, had seeped into every space, every cell, and had stained all the layers of her life. Because of it, her perceptions of the world had become more and more tainted until she'd lost sight of what mattered to her the most. These women were her friends. They cared about her and she needed to find her way back to them.
"We're just thankful that you're all right," Paula said.