“I can imagine. Okay, I’ll park in the pub car park, that’s pretty central.”
“Honestly, you don’t have to wait.”
“I’ll grab a pint or something, maybe do a little shopping myself. We’ll pick a time to meet back up, sound good?”
“Sounds good.”
I left Miller and walked to the small department store, hoping to be able to find what I was looking for. I browsed the perfume counter and was pleased to see a single bottle displayed on its box.
“Can I take that one, please?” I asked.
The saleswoman smiled and asked if I’d like it gift-wrapped. I nodded as I fished around in my bag to find my purse. With the perfume in a small bag, I browsed the men’s clothing. I’d noticed Dad wearing the same jumper over and over. He washed it, of course, but I wondered if he was low on clothes. He was never the type to go shopping for himself. I picked up a jumper that I thought he’d like.
I had no idea what to get Christian, or even if we’d see him. I wandered over to the books, hoping something might inspire me. I knew he had loved to read and I’d bought books he’d been pleased to receive in the past. I picked up a couple and read the back. My eye caught the yellow cover of a humorous book. I held on to it, wondering if it might bring a smile to his lips. Any other Christmas and I would have had a list of things that I thought my family would like to receive. That year, I was totally uninspired, other than the perfume and a bloody jumper. I bought the book, more to have something to wrap up and put under the tree I was yet to organise.
I walked the longer way round to the main doors, avoiding the baby and children section. Just the sight, from a distance, of pink and blue, white and yellow, miniature clothing hanging on rails had my heart miss several beats.
I slowly walked along the high street, dodging the women in a mass panic, buying their last minute items, and men idling along with no clue what to get their partners. It took me a moment to realise why my vision was blurry. The coldness that followed the tears as they tracked down my face was the only indication I was crying.
I turned on my heels and with a lowered head, quickly made my way back to the pub.
By the time I rounded the corner, and the pub came into sight, I was running. My heart rate had accelerated and I struggled to get my breath. I didn’t think I was particularly unfit and panic started to well inside me. My head felt fuzzy, noise seemed to swim around me until it became undecipherable. I barrelled through the doors and came to an abrupt halt. There weren’t that many people in the bar, but those that were all seemed to turn their heads to look at me. I scanned the area not seeing Miller before backing out.
I leant against the bonnet of Miller’s truck, taking in deep breaths and with my eyes closed.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” I heard. I didn’t need to open my eyes to be able to know who the voice belonged to.
“I think I just had a panic attack,” I said between my deep breaths.
“Jesus, Dani,” he said.
I felt him step close and then his arms wrapped around me. I leant my forehead against his chest and with every deep breath in I inhaled his scent. It was earthy, manly, and it gave me something to focus on. He didn’t speak, just held me tight.
“I thought I could do that,” I said quietly.
“Do what?”
“Shop, be normal. I just wanted some gifts, but as I was walking down the high street I started to cry and I’m not sure why. And then I panicked.”
“It’s busy today, Dani, maybe it’s a little soon to be surrounded by so many people. You’ve been pretty isolated for a while.”
“It’s been months and months, in fact, nearly a year. I should have been able to walk down a street and buy gifts.”
I seemed fixated on the fact I hadn’t been able to buy gifts.
“It’s okay, no one is going to expect too much from you. Don’t overthink this. What did you get already?”
“I got my dad perfume, it was my mum’s favourite, and I think he uses it to spray his room, to remember her. And a jumper, I got him a new jumper. Erm, I got Christian a book, but I don’t think we’re going to see him and I’m sort of glad. He’s so angry right now, Dad and I just want some peace.”
I seemed to be speaking at a hundred miles an hour.
“Then you’ve done all you need to do, haven’t you?” He smiled at me.
“I didn’t get cards, or wrapping paper, or…”
“Dani, forget about cards, they go in the bin anyway. Send letters if you want to send anything at all. I’m sure I’ll have a cupboard full of wrapping paper since that’s all I seem to buy and I forget about the gifts!”
“I just wanted to do something normal.”
“What is normal anyway? You bought what you needed to; you did well. Congratulate yourself for that, at least.”
I nodded and missed his embrace as he stepped back. He walked to the passenger door and opened it for me. He placed his hand on my lower back as I climbed in and a shiver ran up my spine. It confused me, I felt conflicted.
“Do you want me to take you back home?”
“Is there an alternative?”
“We haven’t eaten.”
“I’m hungry.”
Miller smiled over to me. “Food it is then,” he said.
He drove for a while in silence. I spent the time trying to clear my head. Did I have feelings for Miller? I wasn’t sure what was going on. I enjoyed his company, I felt my skin prickle when he’d held me, even though that hold was in sympathy and not romantic. I closed my eyes and shook my head gently.
I was being daft. I was overly emotional and needy. I was confused and lonely. Miller was just a friend, nothing more, and I had to respect those boundaries.
Miller took me to a beach café with a difference. Nestled on the edge of a cliff, the view while sitting outside on the veranda was just amazing.
“I don’t think I’ve ever been here before,” I said, as a waiter placed a couple of menus on the table.
“It’s a real hidden gem. We’ll have to come back at night, it’s a proper restaurant then,” he said with a laugh.
I picked up the menu and scanned. To call it a beach café was probably the wrong description, there was not one mention of fish and chips or burger on the menu. I chose an Asian seafood salad, and was assured that the seafood was all local.
“This is owned by an Australian guy. He came here to surf and never left,” Miller said.
The menu had a modern feel; it was way more up market than the average beach café locally.
“China supplies the smoked meats and fish,” Miller said, still deciding what to order.
“I meant to ask, why is he called China?”
“Rumour has it he’s the son of a Duke, turned his back on his inheritance to live a life in a caravan and to be one with nature, as the entitled with a large trust fund usually do. Anyway, years ago, he would pretend to be really common, cockney even, and started calling everyone ‘me old china.’”
“Me old china?”
“China plate, mate. Or so he said. He said it so often he ended up being nicknamed China. His real name is Lord Henry something or the other. Probably adds ‘the third’ after that as well. We all had nicknames given to us.”
Miller looked up at the waitress and ordered a platter of smoked meats and two glasses of wine.
“So…” he said, smiling at me.
“So?”
“How are you feeling now?”
“As if it hadn’t happened. And embarrassed, very embarrassed.”
“Why are you embarrassed?”
“You came to build my barn and end up with me sobbing all over you, a few times.”
“I don’t mind, never could resist a damsel in distress,” he replied.
I wasn’t entirely sure of his meaning but laughed along with him. The waiter returned with our wine and we clinked glasses.
“Here’s to building barns and sobbing damsels,” I said.
�
��I’ll drink to that.”
Once I’d placed my glass back on the table, I turned slightly in my seat. The veranda was built, sturdily I hoped, right at the edge of the cliff, an infinity veranda it felt like. Above us, and secured to the ceiling, were heaters that I was very thankful of. At either end, the veranda was shielded from the elements by wood panelling.
“If you’re chilly, we can always go inside,” Miller said.
“No, I’m fine. The heaters are keeping me warm, and it’s nice out here.”
Not that the café was overly busy, it wasn’t the right time of year for tourists, but I wanted the fresh air for as long as possible.
“It’s an amazing view. I didn’t take too much notice of where we are, how far round is our beach?” I asked.
“Couple of bays over, I think. I know I’ve sailed round to here and it took about an hour. It’s probably further than we think it is.”
“Do you sail a lot?”
“No, not since…”
“Since…?”
“Just haven’t for a long time,” he said, and then picked up his wine.
“I remember going out in a boat when I was a kid, I can’t remember who with, though. I’m sure there was a few of us, there must have been an adult as well.”
Miller stared at me for long enough to have me feel a little uncomfortable.
“You don’t remember?” he asked very quietly.
I slowly shook my head. There was something in the way he asked that had me thinking I should know, and he was disappointed that I hadn’t.
The waiter, returning with our meals, interrupted us from any further conversation. A large round white bowl was placed in front of me and the smell that wafted up had my mouth watering. I inhaled a fusion of Asia, of the saltiness of the sea, and herbs. I already knew the meal would be delicious without having to taste it. I picked up my fork and pierced a prawn. I let my tongue taste it before popping it into my mouth and then closing my eyes as I savoured it.
Miller laughed. “I take it you’re enjoying that? You look like you’re about to do a Meg Ryan scene.”
I opened my eyes and once the initial shock had worn off, I laughed.
“That is better than any…You know what I mean.”
“Then you’ve never had a mind-blowing orgasm.”
My mouth hung open and I felt my eyes widen.
“Sorry, that was so far off base,” Miller said.
“It was, sort of, I think.”
He raised his eyebrows and smirked. “Only sort of and you think?”
“Eat your lunch, Miller.”
Was he flirting with me? I didn’t think anyone had flirted with me, not even Trey. When Trey asked me to date him, it had all been matter-of-fact, not far short of a business proposal, and at the time, I thought it was his shyness and rather cute.
I remembered him stumbling over his words as he invited me to the cinema. We’d spent plenty of time with each other in uni, of course, and as he was an overseas student, it had been nice to show him the sights of London. On our first real date, however, I’d seen a very different side to him. He had been the ultimate gentleman, insisting I walked on the inside of the pavement, giving me his jacket when it had rained, and shaking my hand once he’d walked me to my front door after the film.
“Earth to Dani,” I heard.
“Sorry, I was thinking.”
“Do you want another wine?”
I hadn’t realised I’d finished the large glass of Pinot.
“Oh no, I’ll be drunk. I really can’t handle my alcohol,” I said with a laugh.
“Coffee then,” he said, turning in his chair to catch the waiter as he passed.
Miller order two coffees and I pushed my bowl away, having eaten only half of my meal.
“I’ve enjoyed being here, thank you,” I said.
“You’re welcome. It’s nice to get out and do something normal every once in a while.”
“Tell me a little about you. I don’t know much,” I said.
“Not much to tell, really. I was born here, lived here until my late teens, I think. Went off the rails for a while and eventually, once I’d straightened out, I came back.”
“Went off the rails?”
“Yeah, you don’t want to know all that shit.”
“What made you want to get involved in buildings? You said you were an architect, where did you study?”
“Prison, Dani.”
I sat there, not sure I’d heard him correctly. I guessed the look on my face had him worried.
“Spoiled the day, have I?”
“Erm, no. I was just surprised. Why…No, you don’t have to tell me anything.”
In that moment I was so annoyed to have drunk all my wine, I needed something to do, to break the moment. Thankfully our coffee arrived.
“My mum died, I told you my dad was a priest, didn’t I? Anyway, I guess I just didn’t deal with it how I should have. I distanced myself from my dad, because I didn’t think he was supporting me. Like Daniel, they chose prayer instead of practicalities. I fucked up, did some dumb stuff, and got caught. I spent two years in prison, and while I was there I took an online course for something to do, at first. I’ve always been fascinated with buildings, loved them in fact.”
“I thought you said your dad was a carpenter?”
Had he said that, or had I imagined it?
“He was, as a hobby I guess. He made cabinets, boats, you name it; he could do it. I used to work alongside him when I was a kid, and then when I straightened myself out, I came home. I decided an office job wasn’t for me, not that I would have gotten employed at that time, so I started doing small renovations and it grew from there.”
“Do you…?”
“Still do the dumb stuff? No, trust me, I learned a very harsh lesson by going to prison. I shouldn’t have told you, to be fair. I don’t want you to think any less of me. It was a long time ago.”
“It’s fine, I’m glad you have,” I smiled reassuringly at him.
Once the initial shock had worn off, I found that it didn’t bother me. I didn’t know anyone who had been to prison, but as he said, it was a long time ago.
We sipped on our coffee but his earlier spark had gone. I reached forward and touched his hand.
“It’s okay, Miller. So you went to prison, you’re not that person now.”
“My ex-wife loved the notoriety of being married to an ex-con, as she told everyone I was. It was fucking annoying. I just wanted to get on with my life and put it all behind me. She didn’t seem to want me to. In fact, she’s now with someone who’s doing time.” He laughed as he picked up his coffee cup.
“I guess there are plenty of women around who like that kind of thing.”
“What about you? Would you date someone who’d been in prison?” he asked, staring intently at me.
“I’d date someone who had been in prison, providing they weren’t doing anything that would take them back there,” I replied.
He nodded slightly and warmth spread over me. I wasn’t sure I wanted that warmth, but I liked it. It was a boost to my very bruised ego to think, or assume, he might be interested in me beyond the client relationship.
“Time to get going,” he said, standing as the waiter handed him the bill.
“Let me give you something towards lunch,” I said reaching for my bag.
“What kind of a man would I be if I let a lady pay, even half, for lunch?”
He paid the bill and we walked back towards his truck. He opened the door for me and reached to pull the seatbelt forwards for me to grab.
It was a torturous drive home. Not because there was any tension but I didn’t want my time with him to end. Yet, I wanted my time with him to end because I wanted to get in my room and try to make sense of the feelings coursing through my body.
He dropped me off at the top of the drive.
“I won’t join you at Christmas, but thank you for the offer. I meant to say earlier. I’d like to call th
ough, to wish you and your dad a happy day. Or as happy as it’s going to be…”
He sighed.
“Fuck it, Dani. I want to talk to you every day, okay. I’m just going to come out and say it. I want to check on you, make sure you’re coping. I feel…”
I placed my hand on his arm.
“Thank you, I appreciate that, and I’d like for you to check on me.”
I leant forwards and gave him the briefest kiss to his cheek before sliding from my seat and closing the passenger door. I walked to the front door, only turning once to give him a quick wave before stepping into the house. I leant my back against the door and my heart was hammering in my chest.
“I can’t believe I just did that,” I said, to myself.
“Can’t believe what?” Dad said as he walked out of the living room.
“Oh, nothing. I’m just going to put these upstairs.
I walked up the stairs as quickly as I could and fell backwards on my bed.
“Bloody hell,” I whispered. Then I laughed.
Chapter Eighteen
I never got to wrap Dad’s gifts in fancy paper, and we never got the tree that we’d said we would. We did, however, string some decorations around the yucca plant that had stood looking miserable in the corner of the living room for as long as I could remember.
Christmas morning was way better than I imagined it would be. I woke to the smell of bacon being grilled, carols playing on the radio, and Dad whistling along. I laughed when I joined him and saw him wearing plaid pyjama bottoms, a Christmas themed jumper that had seen better days, and a Santa hat. I hugged him, because I wanted to and because I wanted him to know I was okay.
We sat and ate our breakfast, planning our day. Unbeknown to me, Mrs. Hampton had invited herself for a drink later in the afternoon. I told Dad to call her and invite her for lunch. The old girl was on her own, and the thought of anyone spending that day alone saddened me. His smile was broad as he bustled off to the hallway.
I set about to prepare the vegetables and stuff the turkey. I turned the radio up and even Lucy seemed to get into the Christmas spirit with a couple of barks, as if singing along.
Letters to Lincoln Page 18