by M J Rutter
Twenty
Over the next few days I saw more people in Alec’s house than I ever had before. I remember waking the day after it had happened crying, I had dreamed of him telling me he was okay and that I would be alright. How could I ever be alright again? I just wanted this nightmare to be over so we could get back to our lives, being a happily married couple.
It seemed everything was taken care of, Alec had prepaid his funeral and all everyone had to do was order flowers and turn up. At first I wouldn’t talk about it, I didn’t want closure, I didn’t want to lay my husband in the ground forever and leave him there. Emily came to the house that first week, Mark was a great help and spoke with the insurance companies, there was so much to do, but I felt I couldn’t cope with anything, so he was happy to take over for me leaving Emily and myself to sit and cry.
In the first few days I had cried my eyes dry, I had no tears left. Saffron stayed with me and would lie next to me as I sobbed at night. If I slept I dreamed of him, when I was awake I thought about him constantly and it was driving me crazy. Part of me was missing, Alec made me who I was, a confident woman, a strong willed person who wasn’t afraid of anything anymore, but I was afraid now, afraid that I would not cope without him, that I would slowly fade away and die like the wilting roses in the kitchen, the last flowers he had bought me. They had gone brown and dried up, but I couldn’t bring myself to throw them away, every petal that dropped I saved them in an envelope and kept them in a draw.
When Emily tried to throw things out, I yelled at her. Sour milk in the fridge. Alec’s favourite cheese that had turned. His toothbrush and razor all remained where he had left them. His clothes from the Sunday after the wedding, I kept them under my pillow. I wanted to hold on to everything that still had some part of him attached to it. It was all I had left.
Friday morning David arrived and drove Emily, Mark and I to the funeral home where Alec had been since they collected his body on Tuesday. Something Saffron and Jake had arranged. I sat looking around, smelling the incense I supposed they had used to cover the smell of dead bodies. He spoke of the ceremony and what Alec had requested.
“Everything is in order, Mrs Richards, we just need a few signatures,” the soft spoken man said. I couldn’t tell you what he looked like, his face to me was a blur.
I signed where he pointed, “Where is the uh, ceremony going to be?” I asked.
“At the crematorium, he wanted to be cremated.”
“No,” I snapped, “I want him to be buried.”
“It’s Alec’s wish,” Emily reasoned.
“So, not only have I lost him, I won’t even have a grave to visit?” I demanded, hot tears stung my eyes, “I am carrying his baby, you know, this child needs to know it had a father, I can’t show it an urn now, can I?”
“You can still have a grave for his ashes, Mrs Richards, we can’t go against his plans.”
“He would probably want them scattered on Mum and Dad’s grave anyway,” Emily added.
“Well that’s that then, isn’t it?” I said and stood.
“Would you like to bring us some clothes for him to wear?” the funeral director asked.
“Not so that they can be burned, no,” I frowned. “I do have one request though; his favourite band was Coldplay… I’d like Fix You played at the ceremony.” I said. “He used to sing it to me all the time.”
“That can be arranged, thank you, Mrs Richards.” He smiled softly and I left.
I waited outside while Emily and Mark said their goodbyes to Alec. I had already, I didn’t need to see him in a coffin, it was going to be hard enough without having that image embedded into my memories.
When we got back to the house, Lance, who had been away on business was sat on the front door step. Emily and Mark were leaving to collect the girls and bring them back ready for the funeral on Tuesday, so him being there was perfect timing.
He followed me in after I hugged Mark and Emily goodbye, I could see he was upset and had been crying.
“I can’t believe it, Grace.”
“Neither can I,” I admitted. “I understand he asked you a while back that should anything happen to him, you’d read his eulogy, is that right?”
“Yes, although I am not sure what I will say.”
“If I write a piece from me, will you include it? I feel as though I have nothing to do.”
“Of course I will. I know Brian and Miles want to carry his coffin.”
“I’ll tell the funeral directors,” I nodded as tears filled my eyes. “I don’t think I can do this,” I sniffed.
“Me neither,” he croaked.
My parents arrived on Sunday and although I was craving some alone time, they had stayed away as long as they could. They had to be with me, they couldn’t make it better, they couldn’t change the fact that their daughter was made a widow in her twenties, but they could just be there, in case I needed something.
Mum and I cried a lot together, she was always such an emotional person and I suppose no one wants to see their child go through this amount of pain. They were excited that I was expecting, though it seemed to be the last thing on my mind if I am honest. I was pregnant and Alec was gone, two facts, and I couldn’t be happy about the first without the other.
Monday was August bank holiday and Alec and I had planned a long weekend away somewhere, we were just going to drive and find a hotel to stay in. It would have been a lovely weekend and instead I was stuck in London, in the pouring rain, grieving the loss of my right arm. I had read somewhere that losing someone you loved was like losing yourself, the part of you that loved and was loved, the part that had someone to console with, laugh with, cry with, be intimate with, that part was missing because you couldn’t be part of a couple with one of them gone.
I missed him, I missed him with every passing second, every beat of my empty and aching heart, I missed him. I missed his smile and his smell, I missed his eyes and his laughter. I missed his compassion and his love, I missed him and I knew I would miss him for the rest of my life.
Everyone kept saying, you just have to get through Tuesday and then you can move on. Move on to what? How could I move on? What a stupid and insensitive thing to say to someone whose life has been completely destroyed? I could get through Tuesday and remember the fact that my husband was nothing more than a pile of ash now, I could get through Tuesday and be alone, for the rest of my intolerable life. I could get through Tuesday and go to bed in our bed every night and wake crying because he was with me in my dreams, but gone as soon as I opened my eyes again. Every time I heard that, I wanted to scream.
I didn’t want to get through Tuesday because it would all be over; everyone would return to their lives. Mum and Dad would go home, Emily and Mark would go back to Abingdon and have no reason to see me anymore. The people at his office would still work, people in my office would still work, the world would keep on going even though my world had crashed to a halt. Tuesday would signify the end of friendships that Alec bought to me, a new family that he had married me into. Tuesday would make me a widow at twenty-seven years old and that was something I never wanted to be.
A black Hearse and limousine arrived a nine thirty on Tuesday morning. I had put on the black dress that Alec loved when I wore it one evening and black stilettos. I had pinned my hair up and wore minimal makeup. In my bag I had the envelope containing Alec’s things from the hospital. His wallet and keys, his wedding ring and his mobile phone. I intended to take them with me everywhere I went.
Dad and Mum walked either side of me after I closed the front door, I turned my head to see so many of our neighbours, bowing their heads, their curtains closed on their houses. The driver of the limo opened the door, as I was about to get in I looked at the Hearse carrying my husband. His coffin was a dark wood and on the top was the reef of white roses and lilies dotted with blue forget-me-nots. Scarlett and Paige, dressed in little black dresses, were already inside the limo with Emily and M
ark. Saffron was meant to be there too, but she hadn’t arrived.
Dad took hold of my hand and squeezed it firmly as my eyes filled with tears again. I tried to concentrate on Scarlett twiddling a tissue between her fingers, neither of the girls had really spoken to me since Alec died, I suppose they saw no reason to speak to me now. It certainly didn’t occur to me that they might be scared.
We arrived at Hendon Crematorium after a slow drive across London, stopping outside of Alec’s office which had been closed for the day for a few moments, it seemed the street had stood still to pay their respects.
The door opened and we got out of the car. There must have been two hundred or more people stood on the pavement outside, I saw his friends, all dressed in black, the men in suits and women in dresses, Camilla wore a black hat and had black mascara running down her face. It hit me then, I wasn’t the only one to lose him, they all had and the pressure it caused was immense. Scarlett and Paige held hands as they pulled Alec’s coffin from the back of the Hearse, Brian, Lance and Giles stepped forward and with three other pallbearers, they began a slow walk inside.
Saffron appeared at my side and linked her arm with mine and with my mum the other side, I froze, I couldn’t move.
“I can’t do this,” I whispered.
“Yes you can,” my mum insisted. “This is the last thing you can do for him now, hold up your head and be grateful for the man that he was and the love that he showed you, because I know I am.” She sniffed, “I feel like I have lost my son,” she added.
“Okay,” I nodded and sniffed as my eyes pooled with tears, “Okay.” I said again and we walked in behind the man of my dreams.
The room was packed and there was standing room only left. I caught a glimpse of Warren and Elisa on the way in, but I couldn’t look at another person for fear of crying again. I listened as the registrar spoke of my husband, his life and achievements and then it was Lance’s turn to stand up in front of us and read his eulogy.
“Alec and I have been friends since Junior school. He always had a drive and ambition that you could only admire. I always said he would be a millionaire one day and I was right, though for anyone meeting him for the first time, they would never have guessed. It wasn’t about the money with Alec, he loved working, he threw himself into it and I think I know why, to make his late parents proud. He was a reliable friend, there if you needed him, supportive and caring. He gave too many chances away and was a sucker for a sob story. He had his heart broken too many times for one so young, but then he met Grace and his life changed, he changed. He became a better man, not that I thought it was possible, but she bought out the best in him and she made him so happy.
I went to see her last week and we talked for a long time, she asked me to read you something, so, get your tissues ready.” He smiled slightly. “I used to dream about meeting a prince, I used to dream that he would sweep me off my feet and save me when I needed saving the most. Alec Richards was my prince, he bumped into my life right when I needed him to, saving me in more ways than a human can be saved. He immediately became the most important person in my life and I knew that what we had was for keeps. Some might say we were a whirlwind, I suppose they are right, but let me tell you this, I had never known love until he loved me, I had never known compassion and loyalty, nor had I known how to be truly happy. Alec made me so happy and I honestly don’t know how I will ever smile again. My heart is broken into a million pieces and nothing will ever fix this. We may have only married a few weeks ago, but I feel like I have known him for a lifetime. He always knew how to surprise me, but I surprised him only moments before he slipped through my fingers, I had just been told by the hospital that morning that we were expecting a baby, I showed Alec the scan picture and he was able to see his baby before he died which I am glad I did, because he died knowing that a part of him will live on.
So, now I am going to promise to love him forever, to never forget him and to be a good mother to our child. We may not have the rest of our lives together in one respect, but we’ll always have LA. I love you, Alec Richards and I always will. Grace.”
The haunting words of Coldplay’s Fix You began to play as Alec’s coffin lowered to the ground, my heart exploded in pain that flooded me and wiped out everything for the weeks that followed.
I was broken.
Three weeks after Alec’s funeral I sat on the living room with a box on my lap. It had been delivered by courier and to be honest, I was petrified to open it. I hadn’t really seen anyone for over a week, Saffron and I had words when she cleared out the fridge and I impolitely told her where to go, so she did. In hindsight, some of the food had grown fur, she was only trying to help and I planned to call her, I did, I just didn’t know when. Jake was running Alec’s company until his will had been read, and because I wouldn’t go to the solicitors, the will remained unread.
Lance had phoned a couple of times and my parents begged me to go and stay with them for a few days. I didn’t want to leave the house, so I stayed inside, hidden from the world.
Emily phoned for the first time since the funeral the night before the box arrived. We talked about the girls and their school holidays coming to an end. She talked about Mark and how hard it had been for her, how she keeps expecting him to phone or pop in and then she asked when I was going to scatter Alec’s ashes. I couldn’t answer her because I knew I wasn’t ready.
My GP had assigned me a midwife and as I refused to go and see her, she came to the house and carried out her checks. It seemed the baby, oblivious to my pain and heart ache, was growing well and on her second visit, I got to hear the heartbeat. It made me cry and I finally opened up to the midwife who was practically a stranger. We talked about everything that had happened, though I wouldn’t let on that I felt that if I went out, I would have some sort of break down. She suggested some counselling, in my eyes I felt she wanted me to see a psychiatrist, so I refused and insisted that I was getting better, when really, every day was the same, empty and lonely.
I rubbed my fingers over the gold label on the box, I had removed the brown paper covering the box and then as I stared at the label I realized what is was and I didn’t want to open it completely, I wasn’t ready.
I placed the box on the coffee table and walked out of the room, the clock in the hall ticked and echoed throughout the empty house like my heart chiming in my empty body. Taking a deep breath, I did my usual thing at nine, I washed all of the counters over with disinfectant, scrubbed the sink until it sparkled and made sure everything was in its place. Alec liked the keep the house clean and it was all I had left to do now, wait for his baby and keep the house clean.
At twelve I picked at a bowl of dry cereal, I couldn’t stomach much else, not until after five at least, that’s when the nausea, I felt for most of the day, had faded enough so I could eat something.
I rinsed the bowl under the tap and dried it before putting it away and all the time, that box was niggling at me. Part of me wanted to open it and remember the happiest day of my life, I wanted to see him again, his smile and his eyes, alive with the light in them. I wanted to see him kiss me, and look at me, but I was fragile and I wondered if I dared to look at the day, if it would bring everything back. The raw and excruciating pain had appeased to an ache, a more tolerable ache and I didn’t want it to erupt again.
A knock on the door disturbed my thoughts that afternoon, I pulled it open to see a face I hadn’t seen since the funeral, Camilla. She looked tired, still as beautiful as ever, but tired.
“Look at the state of you,” she sighed and walked inside.
“Thanks,” I frowned, “come in, why don’t you?”
“The place looks like a bloody shrine,” she said as she walked through to the living room.
“Al… I like to keep it clean,” I retorted as I followed her. She looked at the box on the coffee table and sat on the couch. She pushed her black leather jacket from her shoulders and crossed her long legs, hook
ing her foot behind her ankle. “Can I get you something?”
“Do you have any vodka?” she asked.
“No, I don’t.” I replied, “I have tea or coffee.”
“And I drink neither.”
“Is there something you wanted?” I asked.
“Actually there is. I had a call from Alec’s solicitor, it seems he is still waiting for you to arrange the will reading.”
“No,” I frowned.
“Why not?”
“I don’t want to,” I insisted and folded my arms over my chest.
“It needs to be done, Grace. His company has lost half of its investors, because they are unsure of what is going to happen. Jake is a mess and everyone just wants to move on with their lives.”
“That’s right, everyone can move on, they get to forget about him and just carry on like he didn’t matter, like he didn’t exist.” I snapped as my eyes filled with tears.