“Okay, to prove to you how much I’ve changed, how about we just hang out?”
“Um, are you listening? No! I don’t want to hang out with you—not now, not ever.”
“Come on, Clara. My life has been hell without you. Please give me a chance to prove to you how sorry I am for what happened. I promise you that nothing like that would never happen again.”
“Look, Roger, I missed you, too.” I watched as his eyes began to shine with the hope, and I soon realized my mistake. I decided to clarify further. “But there is no way I’m going back to all that drama that comes along with you.”
“I’ve changed. Let’s at least be friends again, so I can prove it to you. No dating. No hanging out privately. Let’s just take things as they go. We can talk once in a while at the coffee shop, even. In front of tons of people—whatever makes you feel comfortable with me again.”
He seemed so defeated, and it stunned me, but I needed to remember what had happened the last time we were together.
But there was just something about how sad he looked that told me the last few months since we’d seen each other had been hell to him, too. Just in a different way than what I went through. Roger looked sad, flushed, and determined to do anything he had to in order to be near me again. I was torn between what I should do, and what I felt I needed to do. He looks so devastated that I began to think about what the harm would be if we just talked once in a while. Not date again, but just talk. I did miss talking to him about things and listening to him discuss his latest project.
“Look, as long as you understand nothing is going to happen again, okay we can talk once in a while—at the coffee shop.”
I figured that if I could keep him in my sights and control the meetings we had together, what harm could it be? At least then I wouldn’t have to worry so much about looking behind my back waiting for him to come for me.
“I understand, Clara. We’re not together anymore. I get it. I just want to be friends.”
Although I might never feel that sense of security we once had together, I was less worried about running into him now, and that alone was reason enough to make this deal—even though it felt like I had made a deal with the devil. My stomach did that twisted thing again as I began to leave, and I suddenly wanted to take my words back, but I knew I couldn’t.
“Roger, just to be clear. Don’t come by whenever you want, or think this means any more than what it is. We are nothing but two people who know each other. That’s it. This is just an understanding that if we see one another somewhere, we can chat. Do you understand? That’s it.”
He shook his head in agreement, seemingly pleased with the arrangement. When he awkwardly went in for a hug, I took a step back. His eyes clouded over with the makings of what I’d come to know as rage, but it turned into something else instead.
I disregard this as I said my goodbyes, walking away from him in the opposite direction. I knew that this could have led to something bad, but I didn’t want to think about the what-ifs any more. I didn’t look back as I felt the distance between us increase, and I was flooded with a sense of relief that built with every step I took.
I was now officially free of Roger once again.
Chapter Seven
“This place is so much nicer than our last apartments.”
“I know, right? I love it here.”
“And we’re still neighbors! How awesome is that?”
“I can’t believe they were able to keep us so close together.”
“Me, either. Just a coincidence, they said, but I think we have luck on our side.”
I was praying that Bethany was right. This was a real turning point for me, and one I wasn’t taking lightly. I wanted this time to really be able to concentrate on myself, and not have to worry all the time about everything that didn’t seem so important.
“I hope so. I just want to be happy again, you know what I mean? The stress of constantly having to worry all the time was really getting to me.”
“No kidding.”
“Hey! I wasn’t that bad.”
I’d thought I was doing an excellent job of keeping it all in and not being a hysterical pain in the ass, even as I was surrounded by all this drama all the time. No one wanted to be around someone like that, and I fully intended to make sure I wasn’t being that person. Apparently, I hadn’t been doing as good of a job as I’d thought if Bethany was mumbling things under her breath.
“I know I feel so much better with all the added security features, though I need to get Brian a key soon.”
“You two are so cute. Is he moving in?”
The look on her face was priceless. Her shock turned to horror as she gaped at me.
“No! I just don’t want to always have to keep opening the door for him when he comes by for our dates.”
Yeah, sure. If that was the excuse of the day, I’d play along. Give it a few months, and I was betting he’d be moving his things in before she even realized it was happening.
Chuckling at the thought, we continued unpacking her apartment. Setting up the new places would take a few weeks, but we felt confident that everything would be perfect in time.
“Let’s hit Donahan’s tonight. I could use some pizza after all this physical labor you’re putting me through.”
Bethany hadn’t really spent any time unpacking, but she was sure done with whatever she had been doing. I had watched her move a few items before returning to the couch, feigning exhaustion. When the buzzer sounded, both of us jumped and gasped in surprise.
“Expecting someone?” I asked with concern in my tone.
Who even knew we lived here? Brian, maybe? But he would have called Bethany first before just showing up.
“No. You?”
We both exchanged glances as she made her way to the display to see who could possibly be at the door.
“Not my buzzer. I think they’re buzzing your place, not mine.”
Reclaiming her position at the couch, Bethany waved me off to find out who it could possibly be. Since I didn’t want anyone to know much about where I lived, I had made sure to not tell many people, worried it would get back to Roger.
“That’s not always the case. They could have tried your place first, but you we were so busy we just didn’t hear it going off.”
“Nice try. Just go find out already. We’ll never know until we answer, so go answer.”
I was amazed that she wasn’t even going to get up and join me for moral support.
Making my way the few feet to my open door, I peered inside to look at the display for the intercom. I was so grateful this building had it when I saw the very person I was trying so hard to avoid staring at the screen.
Roger.
“Hey, Clara, it’s me.”
He addressed me as though he could see I was looking straight at him. It was unnerving, and I jumped back with my heart pounding in my chest all the same, running back to Bethany’s place to clue her in on what was happening.
“How did he find you? Did you tell him you lived here?”
She seemed puzzled and more than a bit upset that I could have done something so stupid.
“You know that I ran into him a while ago, and that we came to an understanding of sorts.”
“Yeah, an understanding, but I didn’t think you’d be dumb enough to go back with him!”
“I’m not! We’re not!”
Astonished, I scream back to defend myself. I was sick of always having to defend myself, but lately that’s all I seemed to be doing with everyone I knew and cared about.
“If you didn’t tell him, how did he know where to find you?”
Hands on her hips, I felt as though Bethany transformed into my mother in that second.
“Should I answer it? Ask him how he found me, and what he’s doing here?”
“I don’t know. If you do, then he definitely knows you live here, and if you don’t, then maybe he’ll just go away. It’s hard to say. You’ll have to make the ca
ll here, not me.”
“Thanks. That’s real helpful.”
I was sick to my stomach already just from him buzzing my door, but the conversation with Bethany was worrying me more. We’d never argued before about anything, let alone told each other to figure something out for ourselves. I was beginning to feel abandoned, but I knew it wasn’t her fault. She was sick of the drama just as much as I was. Squaring my shoulders, I decided to man up—or woman up in my case—and just find out from Roger.
Pressing the button with so much force my finger turned white, I asked, “What are you doing here, Roger? How did you find me?”
He looked confused.
“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to scare you. I just wanted to congratulate you on the new place.”
I knew I had made it a point to not give him my address or my new number, so this entire scenario was creeping me out. How had he tracked me down? Should I now be worried that he was stalking me?
“Roger, how did you find me?”
“What are you talking about? You sent me a text to come see you tonight.”
He pulled his phone from his pocket to look for the message he claimed I sent him.
“I did?”
Huh, I didn’t remember sending off a text to meet with him, or anyone else.
“I have it right here if you want to see it.”
Of course I wanted to see it, but I didn’t want to deal with any of this, so I just said no as he put the phone back into his pocket.
Stupid, stupid, stupid, I kept saying to myself, over and over again.
I didn’t want to be rude since I appeared to be the one who had initiated his arrival, but I also didn’t understand how this could have happened. I knew I hadn’t messaged him. I figured the best solution would be to get him away from here so I could deal with him in a more public place.
“We’ll be down in a few minutes to go to Donahan’s. You could meet us there if you want.”
“Okay, I’ll meet you there.”
“Alright.”
I felt tense knowing he had found me, and pissed at myself for doing something so stupid. I looked to Bethany, who was just as pissed off and annoyed as I was.
“I don’t remember texting him.”
“Check your phone and see.”
I grabbed my cell and searched my text history, and there it was:
Clara: Roger, meet me at my place to hang out. Here’s my new address: 122 Foster Ln, Apt. 422.
Roger: Great, see you around 6.
“Crap I don’t even remember texting him. Must have been in a coma when I did.”
“I thought you moved to get away from him?”
“I did move to get away from him. I really don’t understand it. I don’t remember doing this at all.”
“Does this mean you’re going to be dating him again?”
“What?! No! I’m over him. You know that.”
“I guess I’ll have to take your word for it.”
“Hush, let’s just go and have some fun.”
Not wanting to start a fight or anything negative after such a wonderful move, I brushed off the remark and went to my place to get dressed.
***
Once we arrived, Brian met us at the door, welcoming Bethany with open arms and beaming with excitement to see her. I know she’d said that it was too soon for them to have an ever-after fairy tale romance, but from what I could see, that was the direction it seemed to be heading.
I had just made my way toward the bar, not giving them a second glance, when I abruptly found myself standing next to Roger as I tried to flag down the bartender.
“Hey, beautiful.”
His smile reached his eyes as he realized it was me standing next to him.
Hearing the words brought all my fears back, but I tried hard not to let it show.
“Hi, Roger.”
I didn’t comment on the beautiful part that had my stomach lurching. Confused as well as annoyed, I reached across the bar, flailing my hand around to gain the bartender’s attention.
“Not having any luck, huh?”
I just wanted to find a remote spot to move away from him, but the bar was crowded and there was no reprieve in sight.
“Seems I’m invisible tonight.”
“Never to me,” he said with a warm smile. It made me forget all the bad and think only about the good things that ever happened between us.
Looking into his eyes, I saw that the pain in them mirrored my own. I missed him in so many ways. He had been my person for so long, and not having him around had left such a huge hole in my life that I just couldn’t seem to fill.
I was surprised at the fire I saw in his eyes. I knew our connection had always been strong, but now that we had been apart for so long, I never realized how much desire he’d truly had just for me—until now.
He wanted me, I could tell, but I knew better than to get involved with him again. I was just now getting my life back together, and I didn’t want to revisit that drama anytime soon. But the connection we’d had before was still there, with an added intensity I’d never felt before. It was as though I’d been drugged, the unwanted pull toward him was so strong. I felt as though I was looking into his soul, seeing him for the first time. What I saw kept my eyes locked onto his.
Roger just smiled warmly at me as he watched my demeanor change completely from one of distance to one of desire.
“What are you doing to me?” I asked him in a husky tone.
“I miss you so much, sweetheart,” he said with a hand on the small of my back.
“We can’t go back to what we were.” I shook my head. “This isn’t a good idea.”
“I know, I just…”
He was searching for the words, I could see it. He was trying to get us back together by using the connection we’d once had, and for a moment, it had been working.
“What? You just what? You can’t explain it away, you know. I won’t go back to being treated that way, and if we get back together, I fear I may never trust you.”
I let the words hang, but my meaning was clear. We were done, no matter how much I missed him or wanted to jump his bones.
We were done.
“Oh, how I wish you would give me a chance.”
He rested his forehead against mine, as though we were the only two people in the room.
“I gave you a chance, and you destroyed us,” I whispered back, breaking the connection.
“Things got tough, and I was stupid. I’m sorry that I overreacted.”
He kept trying to explain, but he didn’t seem to understand that no amount of explanation could fix what had already been done.
“It was an accident, you’re going to say. Right? You snapped because I got wine on your pants and socks. Pushing me against the wall when I tried to stop you from leaving was just a kneejerk reaction. It didn’t mean anything, right? The bruising that was so bad I was in pain for over a week without any concern from you was just normal, right? You didn’t call or stay to make sure I was alright because you were humiliated. You were just so angry that you had to get away from me, right?”
I wasn’t shouting, just stating simple facts. I summarized the cause of our breakup in such an even tone I surprised myself.
“It was red wine, too, by the way. You have any idea how hard it is to remove from clothing.”
I was thankful to be having this discussion in a crowded place rather than being alone with him.
“I apologized for all of that. How many times are you going to make me say I’m sorry before we get back to where we were?”
The façade of calm fell as he tried to keep his control. I could see he was thinking through his plan before he changed tactics and the façade returned once again. Like Jekyll and Hyde, his demeanor changed that fast, making my head spin.
“I’m so sorry, Clara. When I left, I did so because I was scared I would hurt you, and I hurt you anyway. I get it. I won’t try to push us together again.”
The barte
nder finally reached us and we placed our orders. I paid for mine myself, along with those for the table. Then I moved to take the drinks with me, but I watched as he began sipping his beer, starring absentmindedly into the distance.
I was turning to leave when Roger rested his hand on my forearm and gazed into my eyes with sorrow.
“I’m so sorry. I’ll love you, always.”
It was the always part that made me gasp. It was only when I pulled away and he returned to his beer that I turned and whispered back, “I love you, too.”
I said it out of habit, more so than meaning it. Then he blinked with hope and determination, and of course, surprise.
Oh, God, what had I done?
His shoulders sagged with relief as he continued to watch as I made my way toward Bethany and our friends, drinks in hand, ready to get on with this night.
Taking a few steps, I looked back at him as he watched me go, apparently resigned at his fate.
***
“I’ll get us back together, Clara. I will get us back. You’ll see.”
He continued to sip his beer as he watched her begin talking with the men at the table. Rage began to build as one of them touched her on the arm as he whispered into her ear.
Don’t even think about it, asshole.
The urge to go over there was becoming harder to contain by the minute. Thoughts of her by his side played over and over in his mind.
“I love you too, Roger. I miss you so much.”
They were the only words he’d heard between her ramblings.
“We can hang out, but if it’s too much for you, I’ll understand.”
“I get it. My temper is not acceptable.”
He knew all too well how his temper had affected his relationships in the past. Clara was different, though. She had to know that.
“I may miss you. and I’m confused as heck, but I do miss you, and I just don’t want to lose you. Not yet. anyway.”
“You won’t lose me, honey. Never. I miss you, and I’ll hang out any way I can just to be close to you somehow.”
Heart Broken Page 8