SHARON’S GRADUATION
Sometimes things happen in my family that I don’t even know about until the very day. Sharon’s graduation is one of those things, and is why Lonnie and Viva can’t come over today. It’s Saturday afternoon and the whole family is wearing nicer clothes than usual and piling into the van.
“Peanut can’t stay at home alone,” Aunt Ursula says as she climbs in with Peanut. “He’s too fragile.”
I’m pretty sure she’s wrong about Peanut being fragile. I’m also pretty sure there’s a rule about no dogs allowed at a graduation, but this is one rule Aunt Ursula doesn’t seem to care about.
Just as Aunt Ursula thought, no one asks about Peanut. In fact, no one noticed him, not even his growls because of how wonderful Sharon and Jerome sang.
I’m just glad it’s over, because if I had to hear that song one more time I might have to break the record for most custard pies in the face in one minute (71). Just to be clear, the faces would have been theirs. I’m pretty sure it could have stopped them from singing.
At least for a few minutes, and sometimes, that’s all you can hope for.
TOMORROWS
Usually tomorrows are full of hope and excitement, but right now tomorrow feels about as heavy as the heaviest cabbage (138.25 pounds). Tomorrow is the last day of school and Mom’s first day at her new job.
I can tell my sisters feel the same because they are slumped over different pieces of furniture in the living room, doing nothing. I’m sitting on the floor because there isn’t anywhere else for me. The Destructor is curled back up inside his cat box, which is a clear sign of how sad he is.
Mom, on the other hand, rushes around putting out clothes for her first day of work, packing her lunch, and collecting pencils and paper as if they won’t have them at the animal control office.
“Jake!” Aunt Ursula screams. “Why are you back in that thing? A litter box is only for cats.”
“That’s what you think.”
Just then Dad walks in. He whispers something to Aunt Ursula. She says, “It goes against all the rules for how children should behave.”
He whispers some more and she says, “Just this once. But I won’t have him living in there. It’s not right.”
I think the only way to describe the rest of the night is to say that it is sadder than when Ashrita Furman’s record for running the fastest mile while wearing swim fins (7 minutes 56 seconds) was broken by someone else (5 minutes and 48.86 seconds).
There’s something so sad when a record gets beaten. I know it’s part of life, but it’s still miserable.
RULES ABOUT SADNESS
1. Don’t show the person who’s making you sad that you are sad.
2. Don’t complain to the person who has come to take care of you that you are sad.
3. I’m too sad to think of any other rules.
MONDAY MORNING
The Destructor clings to Mom’s leg like the world’s largest leech (18 inches).
“I’ll be home before dinner,” she says as she tries to peel him off. But like that leech, he’s not budging.
“Don’t worry, Jake,” Dad says. “It’s going to be okay.” He peels him off as Mom barrels out the door and before she bursts into tears.
I know this because I run out after her to give her the lunch she made and forgot, and also to give her a good luck hug with no one else around. To be honest, I’m crying, too.
My sisters leave for school, and I’m about to follow them when The Destructor climbs back into the cat box. I say the first thing in my head. “Just breathe like Darth Vader. It really makes you feel better.”
The Destructor breathes in and out. “I don’t feel any better.”
“Lonnie taught me,” I say. “Just breathe slowly.” I sit with him for a few seconds while we breathe together. “Make the noise. That’s important.”
“Whhhhhh-whoooh-whhhhh-whoooh.” And after a few breaths he actually smiles.
The Destructor peeks his head out of the cat box. “Aunt Ursula, you want to breathe with me?”
Aunt Ursula closes the dishwasher. “Climb out of that thing and I’ll go to the moon with you.”
The Destructor laughs but doesn’t climb out.
“Peanut needs a bath. Want to help?” she asks him.
“Why does Peanut need a bath?” The Destructor asks.
“He’s old. Sometimes old dogs need baths.”
“But you haven’t had him for long.”
“I adopted him last year.”
“Didn’t you want a puppy?”
She smiles. “I wanted Peanut.”
The Destructor nods. “That’s nice.” He climbs out of the cat box and takes Aunt Ursula’s hand. They walk out of the room together.
This day is still one of the saddest I’ve ever known, but that made it just a little bit better.
MONDAY MORNING PART 2
I’m halfway down the block when Aunt Ursula comes trotting after me. I see The Destructor on the steps holding Peanut. “Teddy!” she calls. “Teddy, wait!” She’s way more athletic than I thought.
I stop.
“I meant to give this to you.” She hands me a form with my parents’ and her signatures and The Destructor’s and my names printed on it.
“What’s this?” I ask.
“For the mural project. I’ve signed you two up.”
“W-what?” I stammer. “I never do anything in the summer.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but it is a rule of mine: when we can, we do for others. The mural project is a wonderful opportunity to do something for your community.”
Strange but true, the fastest time to solve a Rubik’s cube while juggling is 22.25 seconds. I go from thinking Aunt Ursula is the best to the worst faster than that. To top it off it feels like I’m juggling and solving at the same time.
I guarantee you, that is too much for a ten-year-old kid.
THE MURAL PROJECT
By the time I get to school, my grade has already gone inside, so I walk straight into the classroom. I walk past Lonnie, Viva, Ny, and Angus and I don’t say hello. In fact, I don’t stop until I hand Ms. Raffeli the form.
“You are signing up?” she asks.
“Aunt Ursula wants me to do it.”
Ms. Raffeli smiles. “You never know, you might actually have fun.”
“Without Lonnie and Viva?” I ask and then point to the form. “And with my brother?”
Ms. Raffeli’s eyebrows rise up as tall as the highest mountain in the world (Mount Everest, 29,028 feet 9 inches). “You’ve lived through worse. And the good news is your mom works in the building you’ll be painting.”
“How’d you know she was working there?” I ask, but before she answers, Lonnie and Viva walk over. They’re both holding out permission forms for Ms. Raffeli.
“You’re doing it?” I ask.
“I thought I’d be the only one,” Lonnie says.
“Me too!” Viva smiles.
We raise our hands to do a three-way high five. Once again we miss our hands and hit our faces. I can only hope that this summer is better than our high fives, or else we’ll all be in a lot of trouble.
RULES FOR THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL
1. Breathe so you don’t cry as soon as you have your last morning meeting of fourth grade.
2. Breathe so you don’t cry when you clean out your desk and find a card Ms. Raffeli gave you after you broke a world record.
3. Breathe so you don’t cry when your friends do stuff that for the whole year drove you crazy but now you think is funny.
4. Breathe so you don’t cry when Ms. Raffeli gives you her copy of The Guinness Book of World Records, because it’s the best present a teacher ever gave you.
5. Breathe so you don’t cry when you hand her the card you quickly made when she wasn’t looking and you were supposed to be washing your desk.
6. Breathe so you don’t cry when it’s time to really say good-bye to your teacher after she’s given y
ou her copy of The Guinness Book of World Records from when she was a kid, because even if you are crying, it’s still important to breathe.
A NEW HOBBY
The school year is finished. Done. I’ve graduated from fourth grade! I walk into the kitchen pretending that Mom will be there, but know she won’t. I stop in my tracks. And because of that Lonnie bumps into me, and because he bumps into me, Viva bumps into him.
“We have to stop walking so close,” Lonnie says.
“What’s the hold up?” Viva asks.
I point to The Destructor, who is sitting at the table with Peanut in his lap. He’s not in his cat box, he’s not in his tin can coat, he’s not under a table, and he’s not rooting through trash!
He’s sitting quietly, working on some contraption that’s laid out in front of him. He’s moving a stick in and out of a string. The stick has colored yarn attached.
“Haven’t you seen someone weaving before?” The Destructor asks.
To be honest, I’ve never seen anyone weaving, but that is not why I stopped. I stopped because I’ve never seen him looking so calm.
He pulls the stick in and out. “Aunt Ursula taught me. She said I needed a new hobby. I’m making a blanket for Peanut!”
“Wow,” I say to Aunt Ursula. “Any chance you can teach new hobbies to my sisters?” I actually laugh out loud at that because the thought of my sisters doing anything different cracks me up.
“That’s my plan,” she says, then hands us each a cupcake.
We gasp. It looks exactly like R2-D2. Aunt Ursula is full of surprises and this is a great one.
Which makes me wonder why I feel so worried?
RULES FOR WHEN YOUR MOM COMES HOME FROM HER FIRST DAY OF WORK
1. Rub Mom’s feet because she is tired.
2. Let yourself be pushed off the sofa in the middle of a cuddle because six other siblings want to cuddle, too.
3. Don’t fight with your siblings over anything.
4. Be excited for her because it really is amazing to see her so happy.
5. Go to bed when Aunt Ursula says even if it is earlier than usual.
MORE BENEFICIAL
Lonnie and Viva arrive after breakfast. We’re all determined to break a record before the end of the summer. If we’re going to meet that deadline, we really need to focus.
The Destructor is weaving at the kitchen table. “I’m almost done with Peanut’s blanket.” He beams.
Lonnie and Viva give him the thumbs-up.
Aunt Ursula is taking oatmeal cookies out of the oven. They smell amazing.
I’m about to grab a few for us and head out to the aviary.
“Before you go,” Aunt Ursula says, “could you tell me who these belong to?” She’s holding two of my Guinness Book of World Records books.
“Uh,” I say. “They’re mine.” I try to take them from her, but she doesn’t release them. I can’t believe I left them out.
She flips through one. “Juggling chainsaws, collecting rubber ducks—humans should not do these things.”
I’m making the universal “let’s get out of here” signal with my head, but Viva doesn’t see it. “Technically,” she says helpfully, “most of the records are broken by humans.”
I cringe. What is Viva doing? I thought we had a rule about not talking to Aunt Ursula about world records. “Well, the pigeons need their food.” I head for the back door.
“Teddy loves breaking world records,” The Destructor says. “Maybe it’s more like trying to break them.”
I cringe.
“Really?” Aunt Ursula asks. “Your parents let you do those things?”
“Usually,” Lonnie says. I can tell he’s trying to be polite. When a grown-up asks you something, you do need to answer.
Aunt Ursula frowns. “Will you be attempting a record today?”
We all look at each other.
Aunt Ursula shakes her head. “I don’t like that idea. Breaking records doesn’t seem right.”
Compared to what? I wonder, but keep the question to myself.
“No, my mind is set. You three can do something much more beneficial with your time. Mowing the lawn, for instance.” She looks at me.
“Okay!” I grab Lonnie and Viva. We run out as she shouts, “Today!” We don’t even go back for a cookie.
When we’re safely in the aviary, Lonnie says, “What’s more beneficial than breaking a world record?”
We all shake our heads because none of us can think of anything.
Definitely not mowing a lawn.
WHAT GROWN-UPS THINK
Nothing worries pigeons. They know they are safe and sound, well fed and well cared for. This is the opposite of how I feel right now, and explains why I can’t seem to say a word.
“What are we going to do?” Viva asks. “Stop breaking world records?”
“I think it was a suggestion,” Lonnie says, “not a rule.”
“That’s true,” Viva says. “She never came right out and said we couldn’t do it.”
“Couldn’t do what?” Grumpy Pigeon Man asks, walking into the aviary.
I stand up so he can sit on my bucket. “Aunt Ursula is not a fan of the world records,” I say.
“Did she say you have to stop?” he asks.
Lonnie shakes his head. “She suggested we mow the lawn.”
He sighs and sits down. “That’s the problem with kids these days.”
“What is?” Viva asks.
“You care what grown-ups think. In my day, we did just what we wanted. If we wanted to climb a tree, we climbed. If we wanted to dig a hole, we dug it. If we wanted to break a record, we broke it.”
“Wait just a second,” I say. “Did you try and break records when you were a kid?”
“And what if I did?” he asks. “My point is, breaking a record doesn’t hurt anyone, especially not that aunt of yours.”
“I don’t know,” Lonnie says. “Aunt Ursula is pretty scary.”
Grumpy Pigeon Man shakes his head. “You know what’s scary, getting in the middle of a moose and its dinner. That happened to me when I was hiking in Maine. Luckily, there are lots of trees, which brings me back to if you want to climb a tree, do it, because you never know when learning that skill will come in handy.”
“So you ran away from the moose?” Lonnie asks.
“I climbed away,” Grumpy Pigeon Man answers. “You’d do the same if you had any brains.”
“But what about mowing the lawn?” I ask. “She wants us to mow the lawn.”
“You can’t mow and break a world record in one day?” Grumpy Pigeon Man stands up. “Youth is wasted on the young.” He walks away.
“Sometimes grown-ups are weird,” I whisper.
“But at the same time they’re so right,” Lonnie whispers back.
Viva nods, and then we start planning for the record we’ll break.
RULES ABOUT JUMP ROPES
1. Don’t believe all those kids on the playground who make it look so easy.
2. Don’t skip rope next to anyone because you just end up whacking them with the rope.
3. Don’t try breaking a record for fancy tricks with a jump rope, because it’s actually more dangerous than you imagine.
MOST EXPENSIVE TOILET
Because it turns out you actually have to know how to skip rope to break a skip-rope record, we move on to mowing the grass. Well, also because Aunt Ursula saw what we were doing and put a stop to it.
“One of my rules is always be prepared,” she says.
“That sounds familiar,” I say.
“It’s a popular rule. In this case, it means be prepared that you will now mow the lawn.”
The mower is the kind that is powered by nothing but muscle, and it is almost as impossible to push as the rope was to skip. I’m impressed that Mom and Dad actually mow grass like this. If it was up to me, I’d probably let it grow.
But Aunt Ursula waves from the window, so I keep mowing.
“I think I’l
l head home,” Viva says. “I have my own grass to mow.”
Lonnie nods. “If Mom heard I mowed your grass and not ours, she’d never forgive me.”
The record for most expensive toilet system in the world is the one used on space ships that cost $23.4 million.
As weird as it is to have to figure out how an astronaut can pee when there is no gravity, the weirder thing is that here I am mowing the lawn.
MOM, HER JOB, AND THE BATS
That night Sharon helps Aunt Ursula cook dinner.
“It’s a wonderful skill to have,” Aunt Ursula says. “Especially since you’re going off to college.”
Strange but true, the record for largest bubble-gum bubble blown out of the nose is 11 inches. The woman who broke this record says she started doing it to entertain her children. Tonight Mom comes home from work as if she’s broken this record, too. She’s so happy and funny and tells us a great story about her day and about saving a guy who was trapped in his bathroom because bats got in his house.
I don’t blame him for locking himself in the bathroom. I’d do the same thing if there were seven bats flying around our house, but Mom said that when she found him, he was wearing five hats, a football helmet, a winter coat, mittens, and boots.
We’re all laughing and eating Sharon’s food, which is surprisingly good considering it’s the first meal she’s ever cooked. I’m glad Aunt Ursula was the teacher and not Dad. Thinking about the guy in the bathroom makes me think about Sharon in the bathroom and how she hasn’t sung since graduation.
Is this what Aunt Ursula meant about having a plan? I look around the table at Grace, Maggie, Caitlin, and Casey. Aunt Ursula couldn’t change them. They’re like those bats. They’ll keep a grown man hiding in his bathroom.
CLEANING THE BASEMENT
As I spread jam on Aunt Ursula’s toast this morning she says, “It’s clear that you and your friends have been given too much unstructured time. Your parents allowed you to do whatever you want, and what you chose was not that impressive.” Aunt Ursula pulls out a piece of paper that must be meant for me. “The mural project doesn’t start until Monday, so to help you get through the next few days I’ve made up a list of things to do. This list will help you focus on things that are more beneficial to others than breaking records.”
Teddy Mars Book #3 Page 8