I shrugged. “I don’t know, but it was strange. She was dressed in these weird clothes, preaching. Trina. Preaching.” I shook my head to clear the image except it didn’t budge. “She seemed to be part of some religious group. There were other people there, five or so, who had on the same clothing. They were all holding pamphlets.”
“What kind of pamphlets?”
“Religious, I assume, since she was preaching.”
Gran’s chest rose as she pulled in a deep breath. “You didn’t happen to pick up one, did you?”
I shook my head.
“I don’t know much about it. Can’t seem to find out much either. But it seems that this group is like a cult. She’s not going to Mrs. Anderson’s church anymore. Stopped a month or so ago and started going with these folks. They have a little church on the outskirts of town, way up a holler.”
She ran a hand through her short gray hair. “Have you talked to her?” She asked this question like she was afraid of my reaction.
I swallowed the sharpness that threatened to shape my words and said as monotone as I could, “No. I haven’t seen her other than on campus. She called several days ago, but we didn’t really say much. There wasn’t anything to say.”
Gran nodded and watched two squirrels chase each other outside. I followed her gaze and we were quiet for several minutes.
Finally, she released a heavy breath and nodded. “Okay. Let me know if she contacts you or if you have any insight into what’s going on. I don’t trust this group. They call themselves Christian, but they seem more about control and domination than love.”
“I’ll let you know if I find out anything. Trina and I don’t have a relationship anymore, though. It sounds harsh, but she’s not my problem.” I immediately felt guilty but didn’t alter my words.
Gran’s lips tightened a little. “I know. Just in case.” Her hands lifted then quickly fell back to her sides, like she was going to hug me but remembered that she needed an invitation.
I didn’t reach out this time, and she turned to walk out. Just as the glass door closed behind her, she looked back at me. I didn’t know if she was trying to smile, to offer me a bit of understanding, but her face morphed into an expression I didn’t fully understand although it broke my heart all the same.
“MY ROOMMATE left early, and I have the apartment all to myself.” Shane threw his arm over my shoulders and leaned into my ear.
It was dark out, and we were walking toward a small coffee shop where Shane was booked to play. It sat near the bottom of the mountain road that ran between the campus and the interstate. An old, abandoned cottage, it was a popular hangout for students and teachers with its eclectic mix of teas and folksy live music.
“Hmm…” I raised my brows at him, and he smiled.
“Can you come over tonight? I’ll be done by eleven.”
I squeezed his side and tried to push myself closer to him, but I ended up stepping in his path, tripping us both.
“That’s quite a hug.” His laughter rang through the air, and he adjusted his guitar. “So, tonight? Are we on?”
“Maybe. Let me check in with Jess. She’s been acting weird lately.”
“Yeah? How so?” He stopped at the bench by the entrance and slid his guitar over his head. Tonight he had it in a case, so beaten and battered, it was almost gray. Remnants of various stickers were plastered along the front, back, and both sides of it. About half were scratched off, leaving pasty chunks of colorful decals. Shane said he found it at a flea market a couple of years ago and he loved that his case was a world traveler, even if he wasn’t.
“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “It’s hard to describe. She’s going out a lot, in Pittsburgh.”
“And you’re left home watching Jacob?”
“Yeah, but that’s why we live together,” I quipped. “So I can help.” My brows pursed in confusion at my defending her. Sometimes I didn’t understand myself.
Shane held up his hands. “Whoa, I didn’t mean anything by it.” He flashed the dimples, and my defensiveness flittered away.
“I know. But she’s stressed. I’m stressed. And Jacob doesn’t sleep. I feel like we’re unraveling like a spool of thread.”
He put his hands on my shoulders and leaned down. “All the more reason to get away and come over to my place.”
I forced a smile, unwilling to let the turmoil roaring through me show. I was worried about Jess. And I couldn’t quite let go of the image of Mike that kept popping up in my head any time I thought about spending the night with Shane.
“I gotta go in and tune up. I’ll catch you after the show?”
“Call me when you’re done.” When I lifted to my toes for a kiss, he wrapped an arm around my waist, hoisting me off my feet. “Good luck tonight,” I said.
He set me down and flashed those dimples again. “Thanks.” And with a wink, he was gone.
The heavy wooden door closed behind him. I wanted to stay and listen to him play but made myself go to the library instead. It was open until eleven tonight, and I planned to use every minute. Just as I turned to walk to my car, Mike appeared in front of me like an apparition from a dream.
“Mike?” His name escaped my mouth in a rush of air.
“Hi, Rowan.” He shoved his hands deep into the front pockets of his jeans.
“Um, oh my God. Well, what are you doing here?”
His broad shoulders pushed against the fabric of a white polo shirt, and I could see the outline of his muscular chest underneath. His dark hair was longer than it was the last time I’d seen him, curling around his ears and brushing against his collar in a way that made me want to touch it. My knees went weak as I stood there, and I held my legs rigid so they wouldn’t buckle.
“I was just out….”
“How did you know…?” But I didn’t want to greet him with a question. I wanted to greet him with an embrace. I moved forward and cautiously wove my arms around his neck.
He responded by wrapping his arms around me like iron clamps. He pushed his head into my shoulder and inhaled deeply. I wondered if he was breathing in the scent of my hair. I still used the same shampoo he always liked.
His exhale sounded like my name. Rowan. But it was hard to tell because I clung to him so tight I could only focus on the feel of him in my arms. With my eyes closed it was my turn to breathe in his scent, so familiar and so longed for I didn’t even realize it.
A few more cars pulled into the parking lot while we stood there and as people walked past us, I froze. Shane. Some of his friends would show up to listen to him play. Or he could come back outside for some reason. I didn’t want him to see me like this, locked in Mike’s arms. Though knowing Shane, he would shake Mike’s hand and ask him if wanted to come listen to him play. And I loved Shane for that.
But not the way I had loved Mike once upon a time.
I pulled back so suddenly I tripped over my feet. Mike caught me by the arm, and I resisted the urge to fall back into him. Instead, I put several feet between us. I didn’t love him anymore. We had broken up. I was mistaking missing him for loving him and that was crazy.
“Wow,” I started. “It’s really good to see you.”
“You too, Rowan.” He lifted a hand like he was going to touch me again, but instead he let it fall back to his side.
“How did you know where to find me?”
“I tried to call your cell but there was no answer and I called your old home and spoke to your grandma. She said you also might be at school. As I was heading up the mountain, I saw you in the parking lot.”
I nodded. Had he seen me kissing Shane?
“Is that guy your boyfriend?”
Guess that was my answer. “He is.” I kicked at a pebble and rubbed my arms.
Mike and I suddenly looked anywhere but at each other. He stared at the cars parked in the lot like he was counting them, even though there were only five other than mine, his, and Shane’s. I stared at the ground as if I never saw a rock before
in my life. We were being silly. We had been broken up for months. There was no reason we couldn’t talk to each other.
“Why did you want to see me? I thought we were meeting this weekend.” I glanced at him from the corner of my eye.
“Yeah. You’re right.” He shrugged and a faint blush spread underneath the dark stubble on his cheeks. “I wasn’t doing anything and thought I would come find you. It’s strange being back without seeing you.”
I nodded, resisting the urge to spit out my long-held frustration that he hadn’t made any effort to see me last year when I was living in his parents’ home and he was away at college. I knew deep in my heart that our relationship could’ve survived if we had spent more time together. By the time he discovered my scars, there was a divide so deep between us, I thought I was looking at a stranger instead of someone so beloved.
I could feel his eyes on me, and my skin warmed under his gaze. “Is, um, everything okay?” I asked.
He was quiet a long time, staring at the closed door of the coffee shop. I didn’t think he was going to answer when, suddenly, he blurted, “Hey, listen. I better run. Mom and Dad are expecting me for dinner. You know how that goes.”
I forced a laugh. Of course I did.
“It was good to see you, Rowan.” He put a hand on my upper arm and leaned in. I held my face as still as a stone statue, not sure what to do, not sure what he was doing. First his breath kissed my cheek, then his lips. Then he pulled away. I clenched my fists to keep from reaching out to him.
He had walked several steps away when I finally found my voice. “Mike!”
He turned.
“Aren’t we going to meet up? You know, we could do dinner or something?” Unease oozed through my brain. This couldn’t be it. This couldn’t be the only meeting we were going to have.
“Aren’t you busy?” For a brief second, his eyes flashed back toward the coffee shop where the first notes of my boyfriend’s guitar music wafted through the thin windows.
“Yes,” I hurried. “But I can make time.” I cleared my throat. “It would be really nice to catch up.”
He nodded, suddenly looking young and vulnerable. He was still the most handsome guy I had ever seen. Shane was a very close second with his baby blues and deep dimples, but Mike…well, Mike was Mike.
He didn’t blink as he stared at me. “I would really like that if you’re sure.”
I was about to answer when I saw Jess’s jalopy of a car coming down the road, and my heart sank. This wouldn’t be good. She was supposed to be home with Jacob. If she asked me to watch him again, I would scream.
The tires squealed as she pulled into the parking lot. She slammed on the brakes in front of me.
“Ro!”
“What’s wrong?” I leaned in the window and saw Jacob asleep in the back.
“I don’t know. He was having trouble breathing earlier. I mean, he’s fine….”
I looked from Jess to Jacob and back again. “Did you call 911?”
She shook her head.
“Why not?”
“I don’t know.” Her voice started to sound like a whine. “He’s okay now, I guess.”
I opened the back door to the car. Jacob jumped at the noise but quickly settled back into sleep. I placed my palm over his forehead. He didn’t feel warm although his cheeks had a grayish look. I bent down to listen to his breathing. He sounded a little congested again.
“He seems okay.”
Jess nodded but didn’t answer. Instead, she was looking over my shoulder. “Mike?”
I turned to find him standing behind me. His closeness startled me.
“Hi, Jess. Congrats on the baby. He’s cute.”
She stared at him like he was an apparition. She pushed her glasses up her nose. “Thanks,” she mumbled then turned to me. “When are you coming home?”
I didn’t let the sigh in my throat escape. “I’m going to the library. Why?” I didn’t want to be curt or rude but we’d been through this same conversation a million times. At least it felt that way.
“No reason.” She shoved the car into drive. “I’ll see you back home.”
It looked like tears were starting to well in her eyes.
“Is something else wrong?”
She turned her face toward the passenger side window. “Nope.”
I could tell she was biting the inside of her cheek. “I’ll be home soon. Okay? Why don’t you sleep tonight. If Jacob gets up I’ll get him.”
She nodded. Before the tears could fall from her eyes, she pulled away and sped off down the road.
Mike stepped up beside me. “What’s going on? Is she okay?”
I wrapped my arms around my stomach and leaned into Mike even though I hadn’t meant to do it. He just felt so good. And something about Jess felt so wrong.
“I don’t know,” I said, my voice soft.
Mike put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me close to his side.
THE NEXT afternoon I came back late to the apartment after class to pick up my jacket. The warmth from earlier in the week was gone and the cold air left me shivering. On my way up the wooden staircase, I heard Tanya’s voice.
“Jess, I can’t watch Jacob tonight.” There was a pause, and I stopped just outside of Tanya’s opened door.
“Well, what am I going to do?” Jess demanded. My eyes widened. She sounded rude, which was unusual for Jess, especially when talking to Tanya.
“Do you have class that late? Is that why you need a sitter?”
I glanced at my watch. It was three o’clock. I talked to Jess before I left for school this morning. She seemed more relaxed than she had in a while. Jacob woke up once overnight, and I made sure I got up with him, letting her get a full night’s sleep. Maybe tonight she would reciprocate…but not if she weren’t here.
Jess was quiet. I wasn’t sure if she told Tanya she hadn’t actually been attending classes at the community college. She was supposed to be taking a psychology class, as well as freshman English, but I hadn’t seen a book or a bag since she got home the first night two months ago. When I asked about it, she always said everything was fine and walked away.
“I just need a break,” Jess said, her voice rough.
“I understand, but you’re a mother now. You have to stay home and take care of your child. It sounded like you’ve been going out a lot from the argument you had with Rowan the other day. Is everything okay?” Her voice softened at that last question.
“It’s fine.” I imagined Jess folding her arms over her chest.
“It doesn’t sound fine. You’re a mother now. A lot has changed.”
“Yeah! Like the fact that I don’t want to be a mother!” Jess’s voice rose with each word. “I’m tired. TIRED! I’m exhausted all the time. I’m eighteen for God’s sake. Eighteen! Is this it? Does my life have to be over because I accidentally got pregnant in high school?”
“No, Jess. It doesn’t mean your life is over, but it does mean your life has changed. Surely you expected it would?”
Quiet descended into the room. I could picture Tanya standing with her arms by her sides, those brown eyes wide and pleading for her to hang in there…just hang in there. Goodness knows I’d seen that same expression during my four years of high school when she was trying to do anything she could to keep me on the right path. Would it work on Jess like it worked on me?
Then I heard a sob and knew it came from Jess. My heart broke and just as I was about to step into the apartment, to pull my best friend into a reassuring hug, I heard her say, “Rowan is mad at me all the time.”
I stopped mid-step.
“Rowan isn’t mad at you.” Tanya’s voice had moved within the room, and I wondered if she was standing next to Jess now, maybe with an arm over her shoulder.
“She is. She’s mad all the time. We moved in together so she could help me with Jacob. But she doesn’t want to. She’s too busy.”
A bubble of annoyance started in my stomach and threatened to burst
out of my mouth in a ball of fire. That was so far from the truth it was almost laughable. I got up with Jacob at night almost as much as she did, especially lately.
“I don’t believe that. Rowan loves you, and she loves Jacob. But you have to understand. Not only is she working twenty hours a week, she’s also a full-time student. You have to see how busy she is. She has to get her work done.”
“She doesn’t have time for me anymore.”
I couldn’t stand there and listen another minute. Fury made my teeth clench. That was so unfair, I didn’t even know where to start. I couldn’t count how many dates I’d cancelled with Shane to help with Jacob. Or how many papers I turned in last minute because I struggled to find time to get them written. All the times I’d left work early or gone in late because I was watching Jacob.
I stomped up the wooden stairs to our apartment, and I didn’t care how loud my footsteps sounded. Then I slammed the door, not realizing Jacob was in the apartment napping. When he burst into a loud, piercing wail, everyone in the building knew where he was and that he was most definitely now awake.
I grabbed my coat and was back to my car so fast I didn’t see Jess or Tanya. Fury colored my vision red. How dare she? I wasn’t his mother. Jess was and it was about time she realized that. I was done. Done helping if that was how she was going to act.
Thank goodness for an evening at the animal shelter. I would stay there until closing then go to the library. I wouldn’t go home until I had to and then I would go straight to my room. If I tried to talk to her tonight I would probably end up strangling her instead.
EARLY THE next morning, I was buttering toast when I heard Jacob cry out. I held my breath and waited on Jess to get him. My plan was to get ready and leave the apartment, stay gone all day and not answer the phone if, no when, she tried to contact me.
Jacob’s cries sounded congested, and I could foresee Jess in the doctor’s office today, trying to get him yet another antibiotic. I clenched my teeth. Not my problem.
But the cries didn’t quit. I didn’t hear Jess’s familiar voice trying to soothe him. I didn’t hear the squeak of the aged floorboards as she walked across the room to get her son. The only thing I could hear was Jacob’s distress increasing by the second.
My Name Is Rowan: The Complete Rowan Slone Trilogy Page 42