“Did he do okay?” I loaded his seat into the back of my car.
“He’s an angel.” Gran smiled and peered down at him. “It’s nice to be near a baby again.”
I pushed the hair off Jacob’s forehead and felt a swell of love along with a rolling tide of anxiety. I didn’t know how I was going to do this.
“I better go.” I shut the back door, trying to make as little noise as possible.
A few seconds passed while Gran and I stood there, not sure what to do—hug, kiss a cheek…do nothing? When she pulled me into her warm embrace and held me tight, I didn’t pull away like usual. I guess I needed the support.
“Let me know if you need anything else.” She dropped her arms and stepped back.
“Thanks.” I slid into the driver’s seat.
“Rowan?”
“Yeah?”
It was dark outside with only the faint glow of a crescent moon illuminating the sky, but I could still see the creases between Gran’s brows.
“Where is Jess?”
I blinked several times, not sure what to say. Finally I settled on, “She had to go away for a bit. I’m helping with Jacob.”
Gran nodded, but I didn’t think she believed me. At least the purse of her lips and the angle of her head told me she didn’t.
I started the car.
Gran leaned closer. I could smell the familiar drugstore brand of lotion that she used on the dry skin of her hands. “I’m happy to help with Jacob. Anytime. I’m not doing much with my days now. Other than worrying about your sister.” She forced a chuckle. “Let me know what you need.”
I nodded as I put the car into drive.
“I like having a baby around again.” I wasn’t sure if these last words were meant for my ears. They were said softly as her eyes peered off into the distance, over me and out the passenger side window. If she was seeing the demons of the past, well, I didn’t want to share those. I had my own.
“Bye, Gran. And thanks.”
She waved, the look on her face that of a lost soul struggling for meaning, direction…something. She reminded me of myself, and I shoved my foot on the gas harder than I needed to.
MY FEARS came true halfway through the night when Jacob awoke, screaming. Shit. With a groan and still half asleep, I stumbled into his room, ignoring Jess’s unslept-in bed, but cursing her all the same.
“Come here, little guy. It’s okay.” I lifted him into my arms, ignoring the protest of my still-tired muscles. “Shh…shh…shh…” I continued the mantra as I strolled into the kitchen to make a bottle, though I didn’t think hunger was the problem. His forehead was hot against my cheek even though his pajamas were thin.
I fumbled around for the Tylenol but couldn’t find any. Opting for a bottle, I warmed one as quick as I could, a dart of panic shooting through my chest. What would I do if he got really sick?
“Shh…shh…shh…” I continued, though it wasn’t working. He started to choke on his own sobs, and I bounced harder trying to coax his lips to settle around the rubber nipple. “Where is that Tylenol?” I looked through the cabinets, balancing the bottle between my chin and shoulder, leaving medicine bottles scattered all over the counter. I tore through the diaper bag sitting by the front door, leaving the items strewn across the floor like a small bomb had gone off. I darted into the bathroom and threw open the medicine cabinet.
Every time I searched a new place, Jacob took his wails to another octave. With a huff and a distinct clench of my teeth, I ran out the front door and down the steps. I banged on Tanya’s door.
“It’s Rowan.”
Several moments passed as I bounced up and down, my thighs getting the workout of the century.
I knocked again, this time with my knee so I didn’t have to pull the bottle out of his mouth. He was finally settling into the comfort of his milk, and I did not want to interrupt him.
At last I heard the deadbolt turn. “What’s going on?” Tanya asked, squinting in the dim light of the streetlamps. “Is he okay?”
“He has a fever, and Jess doesn’t have any Tylenol.” I was fighting off tears. “Can you help?”
“Sure.” She pushed open her door, and I hurried in past her. “I’ll run to the gas station,” she said. “They’ll be open this late and should have something like that. At least enough to get through the night.”
I sat on her couch and settled Jacob into a reclining position, propping the bottle up with my chin as I rubbed my eyes.
Tanya laid a hand on his forehead. “He’s definitely hot. Have you taken his temperature?”
I shook my head. “No. He woke up screaming and I was trying to find Tylenol, make him a bottle, and get him to quit crying. I didn’t want the neighbors to complain again.”
Tanya nodded. “I’m going upstairs to see if I can find the thermometer. Is your door locked?”
“No.” I rolled my eyes at myself. “The door is probably standing wide open.”
“Okay. I’ll be right back.”
The tears hurt behind my eyes, throbbing with the need to be shed. But shedding tears right now wouldn’t do me any good. My lip trembled so I bit it. Hard. Tanya returned with a thermometer.
“I took another look around,” she said coming to my side. “And there is no Tylenol or ibuprofen there.” She popped a cap on the thermometer and stuck the tip into his ear. We waited a few moments until the beep sounded. “One hundred and four.” She looked at me with her large, round eyes, as brown as dark chocolate. “I think we should call the doctor.”
“We can’t. The free clinic isn’t open at night. We would have to take him to the emergency room or just wait.”
We stared at each other for a couple of minutes. She released a heavy sigh and ran a hand over his sweaty hair.
“I’ll go get some medicine. Let’s think about this.”
“About what?”
“We need to get him to the doctor. Where’s Jess?”
“She’s gone,” I blurted.
She straightened. “What do you mean, she’s gone?”
“Gone. As in left. Sometime last night. Or not tonight tonight, like this night,” I fumbled. “But last night. There was a note that said something like she just can’t do this anymore.”
Her mouth fell open and the thermometer fell from her hands, landing on the soft carpet without a sound. “She left, as in left? Left Jacob here with you?”
I nodded.
“Do you know where she is?”
Tears pooled deep in my throat making my voice come out hoarse. “I don’t. And she’s not answering her phone.”
She whipped her long hair up into a messy ponytail and watched Jacob. Several moments passed. “Okay. Tonight we have to get his fever down. Tomorrow, we’ll figure out what to do.”
I nodded, unable to find my voice.
“He needs to see a doctor. If we don’t take him tonight, then we’ll have to take him tomorrow. Did she ever get insurance?”
“She has something. It came in the mail a while ago. Like welfare or Medicaid or…something. I don’t know.”
Tanya nodded.
I looked at Jacob, his breathing loud and raspy. Snot pooled at the opening of each nostril, thick and yellow. I pulled a tissue from the side table and wiped, swallowing a cringe as the goo came out.
Tanya grabbed her purse and walked out the door, leaving us cast in heavy silence. Even though I was sitting on a couch, I rocked Jacob with my body. Back and forth…back and forth…back and forth….
I pulled out my cell phone and dialed Jess’s number. Of course, there was no answer. When it went to voicemail, I ended the call and dialed again. Once again, when voicemail came on, I hung up and dialed again. I repeated this over and over.
I clenched the phone so hard I wouldn’t have been surprised if it shattered in my grasp. I glared at the back box like it was the enemy, like it was the broken link to my connection with Jess.
Tomorrow, on top of work and finding childcare for Jacob, I woul
d have to take him to the doctor. I didn’t even have his insurance information. I knew he was allergic to penicillin, but there was so much I didn’t know.
As I rocked, I thought about Jess and how distant she had become. She wasn’t always that way. Right after Jacob was born, we’d had a sort of honeymoon period, if you could call it that. She held him all the time, cuddled his little body, didn’t want to leave him to go to work. But then the light slowly left her eyes until they were dull and exhausted, tinged with resentment.
Was there more I should’ve done?
I called her number again, the anger morphing into pity and confusion. It wasn’t me who was the teenage mom, who had gotten pregnant by one of our teachers only to have him leave. It wasn’t me so I couldn’t fully understand how it must be to be her. Well, now I could—a little at least.
When Tanya returned, I was in a daze, lost to would’ve, could’ve, should’ve. But as she rustled the bag with the medicine, I snapped back to reality and lifted a finger to my lips. Jacob needed his medicine, but I couldn’t wake him just yet. My eardrums would explode if he started crying again.
She nodded and held up the medicine. “We need to give this to him,” she whispered. “He’s too warm.”
“Are you sure? Aren’t you never supposed to wake a sleeping baby?” I pleaded, knowing the right answer but so desperately tired, I wasn’t sure I cared.
“We can’t let that fever simmer.”
I nodded and resigned myself to zero sleep. Fatigue weighed my shoulders down like someone had put two ten-ton boulders on them. Soon I would be nothing but a puddle of exhaustion, lying on the floor and hoping no one stepped on me.
When she ripped the package open, I bit my lip. Was there any way he would stay asleep? That we could insert the medicine between his pale lips and he would swallow it, staying lost in his baby slumber?
I actually crossed my fingers and said a prayer. The idea of lying down in my bed, covered to my neck with my warm blanket, was almost too appealing to resist.
But my hope was futile. Jacob woke up as soon as Tanya walked toward him, as if he could anticipate what was about to happen. He started to thrash, his back going rigid.
“Hold him still,” she said.
I wrapped an arm around his kicking legs and pulled his body close to mine, using my chest and my other arm to keep him immobile. She started to dispense the medicine but not slowly enough. He choked and spit part of it out before swallowing the rest.
We looked at each other.
“Now what?” I asked. “How do we know how much he got?”
She shook her head. “Dammit. Dammit to hell.”
Not for the first time since Jess left, I thought about calling the police. In this case, it was to arrest her because I was so furious at that moment I couldn’t see anything but shreds of crimson.
IT WAS five in the morning, and I was sitting on a hard chair in the waiting room of the hospital. Jacob not only didn’t go back to sleep, he wouldn’t quit crying, finally throwing up down my neck and my back. Tanya held him while I changed and then we decided he couldn’t go on like this. And neither could we.
Tanya checked him in at the desk. We decided not to say anything about Jess leaving. Our story was we were babysitting while his mom was out of town for work. Who knew what people would think? And who knew what would happen if these folks found out that Jacob was an abandoned baby. Something told me they might not let me keep him.
Images of foster care and homes for kids flashed through my mind, and I wanted to vomit. He had finally fallen asleep on the car ride over, having bawled himself into a stupor. I wished Tanya would hurry. The ER was full even at this hour and the general busyness of it grated on my nerves.
To pass the time, I started repeatedly calling Jess’s cell phone. I didn’t even let it ring until voicemail. After two rings I hung up and did it again. The image of her clenching her fists, ready to throw the phone against the wall brought me some satisfaction. When the nurse called Jacob’s name, I didn’t hear it because I was too busy dialing and hanging up. Tanya, still standing by the counter, had to call my name to get my attention.
I slid the phone into my pocket and hoisted myself upright, Jacob held securely against my chest. We were led to a small exam room with no door, only a thin curtain to distinguish our space from the others. I shimmied onto the bed, trying to jostle Jacob as little as possible. Tanya sat in the chair in the corner. We sighed at the same time.
“What now?” I asked.
Tanya scowled. Her shoulders lifted and fell with her breath. “I don’t know. Have you thought about contacting the police?”
It was my turn to scowl. Even though Jess had screwed me over—could we even stay friends if she returned?—I wasn’t sure I wanted to contact the authorities. I wasn’t ready to find out what that meant for her or Jacob’s future.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I keep expecting her to walk in the door. She only left a couple of days ago. Maybe she just checked into a cheap motel, got really wasted, and is sleeping it off. He’s not exactly a good sleeper. She could probably use a couple of benders.”
Why I was defending her was a mystery to me.
“Yeah. Maybe.” Tanya didn’t sound convinced and was watching me too closely. “You sure you don’t know where she is?”
“You’re not serious,” I spat, my nerves frayed. Jacob started to fidget, and I lowered my voice. “You don’t think I would’ve gone after her? Hauled her ass back here to take care of her son?”
With fisted hands, Tanya rubbed her eyes. “I know, Rowan.” She didn’t look at me but continued to rub her face. “I’m sorry. I’m tired and I’m pissed and I really don’t understand how Jess could do something like this. If she hadn’t left a note, I would’ve called the police as soon as you told me she left.” She pulled her hands away and her eyes were red, swollen. “What are you going to do?”
I stared at the corner of the room where the wall met the floor. The tile was white with vague specks of gray. “Gran helped today. I’m sure she’ll do anything she can. It seems like she needs a distraction from Trina.”
“Trina has proven to be quite a handful that’s for sure.”
Trina. Somehow my sister always managed to become a topic of conversation in my life, and I was tired of it. I waved a dismissive hand in the air. “I don’t want to talk about her right now. As for Jacob, I don’t know what to do. Keep doing what I’m doing, I guess, and hope she returns.”
“Taking care of a five-month-old while going to college full-time and working? That’s a serious load. I’m not sure how many people could do something like that.”
“What other option do I have?” My tone was harsh and tinged with a whine. “I mean, if I contact the authorities, they might take Jacob. Put him in foster care or something. I can’t let that happen. Not yet.”
Tanya shook her head like she agreed although I couldn’t be sure. I knew this whole mess put her in a tough spot. I didn’t think she would report anything to the authorities because he was being taken care of. But still. I’m sure it was hard to play the friend and not the guidance counselor.
TANYA WENT to the pharmacy to have Jacob’s antibiotic prescriptions filled while I took him home. They gave him a breathing treatment while we were in the emergency room, and he was sleeping in his car seat. They said he had a double-ear infection and pneumonia. Pneumonia. Each time I thought of the word my shoulders slumped further down. Now I didn’t just have to take care of him, but he was pretty sick, too.
When I pulled into our apartment building’s parking lot, I did a quick scan to see if Jess’s car was there. It wasn’t. With a heavy sigh that erupted from deep within my gut, I lugged Jacob up to our apartment and opened the door.
Even though it was silly, I searched the living room and kitchen for Jess’s familiar face. But just like the parking lot, it was empty.
I carried Jacob, still in his car seat, down to the room that was now his and only his. I
left him strapped in the seat and closed the door behind me. I wanted to fall into bed with a desire that was stronger than I ever desired anything in my entire life. But I couldn’t. He was due for his next antibiotic dose in an hour. The doctor made it very clear how important this medicine was.
I resigned myself to a weekend without Shane, without Mike, without even work as I called Janie to say I couldn’t come in because Jacob was sick. She didn’t ask about Jess even though I could hear the hesitation in her voice. I settled in for a weekend of fits and starts of sleep, of endless bobbing up and down, of medicine and breathing treatments, and a never-ending stream of curses that filled the air of the apartment like little black paintballs.
ON MONDAY, my alarm went off at six-thirty in the morning. I had class at eight then work. Life had to go on, and I made myself get out of bed. I started a pot of coffee and went to take a shower while it brewed. Every time I showered, I looked at myself in the mirror. I had done this for as many years as I could remember. It was liking taking stock of myself. Am I okay today? Am I too skinny again? How is little Rowan Slone faring with life?
The image that looked back at me today was pale, as was to be expected, with dark circles under gray eyes, which was also to be expected. The cheekbones were too prominent, but not painfully so like they used to be.
As I stepped out of the shower, I listened for Jacob, but he wasn’t crying and I prayed that he was still asleep. I took the few extra moments to put on mascara, lip gloss, and a swipe of soft pink blush. My face immediately looked more alive, the slight color adding more life to my face than I would’ve imagined, which I desperately needed. With a few quick strokes, I pulled a brush through my hair.
In my room, I dressed in jeans and a sweater and then tiptoed down the hall. I had to find childcare for Jacob so I wound up back on the phone with Gran.
“Honey, are you sure everything is okay? I’m happy to help, but shouldn’t Jess have taken care of this?”
“I know, Gran. She’s out of town and…” My mind scrambled for an explanation. “I told her I would take care of it. Can you watch him today?”
My Name Is Rowan: The Complete Rowan Slone Trilogy Page 45