“He wasn’t breathing! Or he was, but he wasn’t waking up!”
I was barely aware of Janie when she made it to my side. “We don’t think he stopped breathing, but he was unresponsive.”
“He wasn’t breathing! He’s not breathing!” I shouted, terror ripping shreds through my mind.
Someone laid a large hand on my shoulder and squeezed, but I think I shook it off. I couldn’t really say. The only thing I was aware of at that moment was closed eyes, limp limbs…dead babies.
“Help!” I screamed.
“Rowan!” Janie leaned down into my face then fired off too many words for my distraught mind to decipher. Someone put hands around my arms like I was a prisoner. Either I screamed no! or I was screaming in my head. Then I blacked out.
Aidan was cold…rigid…so steadfastly not there that even I knew he was dead before an adult confirmed it. Dead. Aidan was dead. I had been the last one to take care of my little brother, the last one to see him alive; the first one to see him dead.
Dead.
What if Jacob died, too?
I screamed again, whether out loud or not I couldn’t say. I was lost in a blackish-gray abyss, no beginning, no ending, no floor, no ceiling. This was where the ghosts dwelled, here in the midst of fog, clammy moisture, and clouds.
Somewhere inside my mind, I knew what I was seeing wasn’t real; that I was lost in a dream. But it seemed so real, tears started down my face.
Standing across a gray lake, so still the water looked like glass, was a little boy with light bouncy curls and huge eyes, the only color in the otherwise colorless landscape. His hand was reaching, all fat and rolls, palm out toward me like he was waving. But he wasn’t. His hand was as still as ice. As was his body. The only thing alive about him were his eyes. They shimmered, sparkled, glowed somehow like a marble come to life.
“Aidan,” I choked. “Aidan.”
Aidan.
Aidan.
My sweet brother. I looked down at the tattoo on my left arm where a poem I wrote for my baby brother hid the scars of my childhood, the scars of his death. Two blue angel wings obscured the A where I had carved his initial—deep and long—with a razor blade the night I found out Mom had killed him, not me. Those angel wings were glowing like his eyes.
I looked back to the boy across the lake. He stood there, hand still outstretched. I lifted my own arm, my palm mirroring his, and I reached. What would it feel like to touch his skin again? Would it be warm like it was in life or cold like it was in death?
Time ceased in that gray wasteland. Our hands spoke, like there were words pouring from our palms, covering the ground between our bodies. My heart beat painfully, and I knew it would burst soon.
The baby boy did not speak. There were no words to say. But just as I knew my heart was going to cease beating, a warmth flooded over me, like summer had released a soft rain ready to cleanse me of all my sins, of my past mistakes.
“Aidan? Is that you?”
But of course, the ghost didn’t speak.
“Aidan?” I choked. “Are you okay here?” A sob ripped its way up my throat. “Please,” I whispered. “I need to know.”
He turned his palm toward where the sky would be. He pulled his eyes from me and looked down at his hand. Slowly, he started to curl his fingers inward. A moment later, the fingers started to uncurl. There was something in his palm.
Butterflies. There were butterflies in his palm. If his eyes were too bright against the gloominess of the surroundings, the butterflies made me squint and look away, they were so colorful.
But they were also tiny, no bigger than a firefly. Somehow I could see them clearly, all ten or so. Their tiny wings flapped against his palm as his fingers flattened out. Then his eyes locked on mine again, and I knew he was telling me something.
A quick flip of his wrist sent the insects into the air. Within a heartbeat, the ten turned to twenty, to thirty, forty, until I could see nothing else but vibrant, brilliant butterflies—flying, soaring, flapping—playing all around me.
It took several moments for me to look back at my baby brother, and when I did, he smiled.
“WHO IS responsible for this child?” a male voice asked. He sounded irritated, or maybe just tired. I was yanked out of whatever dream state I had landed in and was back in the hospital. But I was lying down in a bed now, alone and in one of the ER cubicles. The voices came from somewhere nearby.
I pushed myself up and listened.
“I’m not sure where the mother is. Rowan is the mother’s roommate. She was at work at the animal shelter when she found him unresponsive. We came right here.”
“Why was he at the animal shelter?”
“Rowan and I work there. I’m her supervisor.”
“She had the baby at work? Where is the mother?”
“I don’t know,” Janie said. “I think he’s been sick a lot, but that’s all I know.”
“Sick how?”
“I’m not sure.” Janie sounded hesitant. “Like congestion. Maybe ear infections. I think he cries a lot. Doesn’t sleep.”
“I really need to know what led to this so please answer the best you can. What medications is he on? Does he have allergies? Can Ms. Slone answer these questions?”
I managed to stand on my feet and walk the few steps toward the voices. I pushed back the curtain and stepped through. “I can try to answer them.” My mouth was so dry my voice cracked, but I answered the questions the best I could.
“ARE YOU okay?” Janie handed me a cup of water from the fountain in the waiting room. They asked us to wait while they ran tests and blood work on Jacob.
I gulped the cool liquid and handed it back to her for more. “I’m fine. I’m sorry. Did I faint?”
“Yeah. You hit the floor right after we walked into the hospital. Is there someone I should call?”
I nodded, taking a long drink of water. “Gran. Maybe Tanya.”
“Okay. I’m going to call Angel, too. She’ll be worried.” She put a hand on my shoulder. “I’ll go make the calls over here.” She nodded toward an empty section of the waiting room.
I nodded again and threw the paper cup, trying to hit the trashcan. I missed, though, and it landed on the floor.
I had done my best to give Jacob’s medical history, told them he had pneumonia, a bad fever even though he was on antibiotics. The male nurse’s stern expression didn’t make me feel comforted, but I did the best I could.
I pulled out my cell and dialed Jess’s number. Feeling ice begin to form in my veins, I decided that this would be it. This was the last time I was calling her. We were done. Jacob was my responsibility now. If she could just run off like that then she didn’t deserve him anyway.
“Jess, it’s me. I’m at the hospital. Jacob is very sick. They think he’s going to be fine but they are running tests, trying to see what’s going on. I just want you to know that I’m not calling you again, no matter what happens. You’ve left him, and you’ve left me. You don’t deserve to have him as your son or me as your friend.” I hit the off button, dropped the phone into my bag and yanked my hair into a ponytail.
Someone needed to take care of Jacob. Jess wasn’t going to do it. Was it supposed to be me? Gran? Some adoptive parents somewhere far off in the Midwest? I wasn’t sure but for the first time I felt, with certainty, that I was now the one responsible for Jacob. I was his mother—at least for the near future until I decided what to do.
I SAT in the hospital room staring at Jacob sleeping in the enormous hospital crib. He looked so tiny in that large bed, enclosed in iron grates to keep him from falling out. He looked exhausted with his cheeks pale and lifeless.
It was dark outside except for the light of the parking lot streetlamps that cast a yellow glow over row after row of cars. There must be a hundred cars out there. Did that many people have friends and relatives in the hospital? Were people so sick?
I rocked back and forth in the wooden chair. Gran and Tanya stopped by a coupl
e of hours ago after Janie left. They sat with Jacob while I went down to the hospital’s cafeteria. Though the food looked surprisingly good, I only grabbed a yogurt, an apple for later, and a bottle of water.
Back and forth I rocked, letting my head rest on the hard surface of the chair, at times looking out the window; at times looking at Jacob. The motion and the quiet of the room, void of visiting nurses for a few peaceful moments, lulled me to sleep. Only when my phone started to ring did my eyes fly open. I hurried to pull it out of my back pocket, afraid that even the vibration would wake up Jacob.
I glanced at the caller ID. It was Shane.
“Hello?” I whispered as I stepped into the tiny bathroom and closed the door.
“Rowan? Are you okay?”
I sighed, my breath sounding heavy. “Yeah. I’m fine.”
“Where are you?”
“I’m at the hospital. Jacob is really sick.” I swallowed to keep the sob from escaping. It was nice to hear Shane’s voice, all lazy afternoons and warm sunshine.
“What’s wrong with him?”
“All kinds of things, I guess. I’m not even sure I understand it all.” I looked in the mirror but turned away at the sight of my pale face and sunken eyes. “They think he can go home tomorrow. They’ve run a bunch of tests. I’m just not sure what all the results are yet.”
“Wow. That’s too bad. Poor little guy. Is there anything I can do? Do you need me to bring you anything?”
“No. I’m fine. Thanks, though.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah. I’m sure. What are you up to?” I sat on the closed toilet lid and rested my head on the cool surface of the sink.
“Just having a beer. It’s quiet here without the roomie.” He paused. “I wish you could be here. I’m lonely.”
I shut my eyes and let the silence linger between us.
He finally broke it when he asked, “Any word from Jess?”
“No. None.” I sighed heavily.
“What are you going to do?”
I shrugged in the cold bathroom.
“Rowan?”
“I don’t know.” I stretched my neck, refusing to acknowledge it was still stiff from the wreck.
“You sound tired. Let me know if you need anything. I can come to the hospital. Go take care of your animals.”
My animals! They had been so neglected since Jacob had been born, and even more so these past weeks. I frowned as I thought of my beloved Levi and Scout hungry and lonely. But I knew that Tanya would be taking care of them. I wouldn’t even have to ask.
“Tanya will look after them. Thanks, though. I really appreciate it.”
“Okay. I’m gonna jump and charge my phone. It’s about to cut out. I’ll call you in a bit.”
“Okay,” I managed.
The line went dead and I bent over, putting my head in my hands.
There was a light knock on the bathroom door, but I ignored it. It was probably just a nurse so I didn’t look up when someone stepped into the room.
I felt his heat, though, before my eyes confirmed who it was. Mike. When he put a hand on my shoulder, ran those fingers through my hair, I forced my chin up.
His expression was a mix of sympathy and compassion. He was wearing jeans, a gray T-shirt, and a pair of flip-flops. It was too cold outside to be dressed like that but it seemed trivial so I didn’t say anything.
Instead, I said, “I really like Shane.”
His lips spread into a thin line, and he shoved his hands in his pockets.
I licked my dry lips but there seemed to be no moisture in my mouth.
“I’m just here hanging out anyway,” he said. “I can’t help it if you’re here, too.” He forced a smile and a shrug of his shoulders.
I laughed as he sat on the narrow bench screwed into the wall inside the shower. Fortunately for him, no one had used it so it wasn’t wet.
“So.” He leaned his elbows onto his knees and looked at me. “What did they say?”
“We’re waiting on the test results.” I ran my hand over my face. What I wouldn’t give for face wash and a warm cloth. Hospital air left me feeling like I needed to be fumigated or doused in hand sanitizer.
“Man, that’s too bad. What about Jess? Any word?”
A bullet of disgust shot through me as I shook my head.
“What are you going to do?”
I shrugged and looked at the bathroom door, like I could see Jacob on the other side, like he had the answers.
Mike put a hand on my knee. “We’ll figure something out.”
“How did you know I was here?”
“Your Gran told me.”
Gran told him? I didn’t even question how that came about.
“Do you want to go home and I’ll stay with Jacob?”
I shook my head. “I appreciate it, though.”
He squeezed my knee. “I’m going to go downstairs and get you something to eat. Then I’m going to stay for a few more minutes before I leave. But you have to promise me one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“That after I leave you’ll call if you need anything.”
I guess I should count my blessings that I had two guys so concerned with my well-being. What I felt instead was torn…confused.
I smiled as I nodded. After he left, I sat in that bathroom for a long, long time. It was the biggest chunk of time Jacob had slept in…well, forever. I was grateful for his silence but it didn’t help me shake out what my true feelings were.
“MISS? HAVE you managed to reach Jacob’s mother?”
I stared up at the doctor. How did I explain all of this?
My butt had gone numb from sitting and eventually the rest of me went numb as well. I could feel the doctor’s eyes on me like a laser pointed right into my brain, trying to decipher all of the secrets I was hiding.
“You do know how to contact his mother, don’t you? If she left him in your care, surely she left contact information. Unless, of course, there is something you’re not telling me.”
Gran was nearby, leaning against the wall, watching us. Finally, I sighed and stood, running my hands through my hair for the hundredth time that day, leaving the strands oily and matted.
“I, um…”
The doctor tilted his chin down to peer at me even harder, as if moving his head would force the truth out into the air.
Then suddenly, the door swung open and there was Jess.
I knew it was her, but also wasn’t sure. Her hair was still blonde and short but slicked back making her forehead look severe. She wore her thick glasses and had on skin-tight blue jeans and a black faded top. She was thinner, hollowed out somehow, like she hadn’t eaten a thing in the time she was gone. Her cheekbones protruded making her lips look extra wide.
“Jessica?” Gran pushed herself off the wall. She folded her arms over her chest, her lips tight, her eyes hard.
But Jess wasn’t looking at Gran. She wasn’t looking at me. She was looking at Jacob.
“Jess?” I finally found my voice. I couldn’t read the expression on her face.
“Who is this?” The doctor’s baritone interrupted the quiet.
“I’m Jacob’s mom.”
“You’re the baby’s mother?” Those dark eyes looked from Jess to me to Gran, and did the rounds two more times, waiting on someone to respond.
“Yes,” she finally answered.
His expression morphed from stern to bewildered to resigned. “Okay. I’m glad you’re here. Your son is very sick.”
“Rowan has told me what’s going on.”
Jess’s legs looked like long, skinny tree branches that protruded down from her torso.
“Good,” he said. “We need to get back all the test results before we decide what to do.”
“Okay. We need to do what we need to do.” She sounded like a grown-up, ready to take charge.
“Good,” he said again, though he kept stealing glances at me and Gran, like he was waiting for a punch line th
at wasn’t coming. “I’ll get Jacob’s file, and we can talk.”
Even though he didn’t ask her to, Jess followed him out of the room. She seemed to avoid looking at me, but I didn’t blame her. If she knew the daggers that were settled behind my gaze, she would’ve cowered in a corner. Jacob was lying in the crib, oxygen in his nose. He was quiet and calm, his cheeks flushed.
Did he know his mom was back?
I chewed my cuticle. But, was she back? Would this last or would she turn and leave again?
JESS DIDN’T come back into the room. I could see the edge of her shoulder standing just outside of the door so I knew she was close. She still hadn’t spoken to me. To Gran. Hadn’t tried to hold Jacob.
Suddenly, I couldn’t stand to be near her, and I bolted out of the hospital room. I darted down the hall, through the waiting room and out into the cold night air.
A minute or so behind me, Gran walked out of the ER doors and sat beside me on the hard, wooden bench.
“So, Jess is back,” she said.
I nodded. My eyes were focused on those hundreds of cars parked in the lot. “You must be exhausted,” I said. “Go home, and I’ll call you if anything happens.”
She forced a laugh. “I am beat. I’m not sure how you’ve managed.”
“I’m not sure I did,’ I whispered.
Gran laid a hand on my shoulder. “Do you need a ride?”
“No. I’m okay. Tanya helped me get a rental car.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t help with that.”
I looked at her. “Gran, please. You’ve done enough. You don’t have to take care of everything.”
She kissed the top of my head. “I am going to go home and take a shower. Check in with Trina. Sure you don’t want to come?”
“No. I’m going to go soon. Jess is back so there is no reason for me to stay.”
She had put a hand on my face. “I love you.”
“I love you, too,” I answered.
Then she left and I sat in silence, my mind reeling. Jess needed to be back. And that was a good thing. But I was so angry with her that I almost wished she hadn’t returned. She had been my one true friend for years, but I wasn’t sure how we could recover from this. I couldn’t even think of her name without my fists clenching, ready to punch something.
My Name Is Rowan: The Complete Rowan Slone Trilogy Page 51