“I’m so sorry, Sarina.” His eyes burned in frustration. “We should’ve done something before it turned violent. But those people won’t be back. I promise.”
“It’s not just that. Everything just feels so . . . so . . . big. So out of my control.” I fought the tears from spilling down my cheeks. “I don’t think talking right now is helping. I have so much to do before the fundraiser. I just want to get some of the cleaning done tonight and go to bed.”
“Okay. No more talking, but I’m helping you.” He looked out across the ballroom. “You should not be left alone to handle her ridiculous requests.”
“No.” I smiled, shaking my head. “That’s a very nice offer. But you’re not helping me clean the floor. My job. My problem.”
“I know you don’t want me to interfere between you and my grandmother, but please let me this time. Let me help you work on it.” He smiled and touched my face. I leaned into the palm of his hand. The warmth of his fingers went all the way to my bones. I think this man was better than a drug.
“Please just say you’ll let me help.” Javier moved my head up and down gently as if I were agreeing with his suggestion. The guy had a stubborn streak in him. I had a feeling if I didn’t allow him to help, he might very well just come back and work without me.
I slowly relented. “Okay. Fine. You win but only for tonight.”
“Good.” He kissed me before letting go.
I watched Javier for a moment as he gathered cleaning supplies. He made my heart warm and yet I couldn’t shake the guilt. So many things were out of my control right now. But my feelings for this man—I did have some control. And I didn’t want to keep secrets.
“Before we get started, there’s something I need to tell you.”
Javier looked up, his expression changing to one of concern. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing exactly. But there’s something you should know.” I was nervous, but he deserved honesty from me. “My brother’s friend Cole is helping get things figured out with Tyson.”
“Okay?”
“We . . . used to be involved.”
Javier frowned as the pieces shifted together in his mind. “This is the guy who was the bad relationship?”
“Yes. And I went to his house after I saw Tyson. I um . . . I needed to discuss some of this with Cole. I needed his help.” Fear chased the words. I knew telling him the next part came with a risk. “But while I was there, he . . . kissed me.”
His eyes remained on me while his jaw tightened slightly, but his emotions remained stoic and he spoke no words. I expected at least something from him. I braced for the confrontation. I knew how to yell and fight. The toxic side of my past had prepared me for all-night verbal battles. But this non-reaction left me baffled.
“But I want you to know,” I kept going, stumbling through, trying to explain, “that I pushed him away. I made him stop.”
Still no words. Javier always had this natural, casual confidence—not overly arrogant, not busting at the seams like Cole, but more like a slow and steady undertone that made him not falter in his stance. I’m sure he used that talent at work. Maybe he used it to hide his emotions too.
“You don’t always have to be so rational,” I whispered. “So nice to me. You can get mad. I didn’t do it on purpose. But the kiss did happen.”
His eyes flickered. Maybe he did have a jealous streak. But I swear his reaction appeared to be one of sadness. “Why are you telling me this? Are you hoping I’d get mad? Get some reaction? Trying to get me to fight with you? Why tell me at all since you pushed him away?”
“Because I want to be honest. I told him to stop because I’m with you. That we’re together.” The emotions caught up with me, cracking my voice. “And I want to know if you think I told him the truth. Do you think we’re together? Or maybe I’m reading us all wrong and this really is just a casual fling for you. And it doesn’t matter that he tried to kiss me.”
“Hey, don’t say that.” Javier set the cleaning supplies down and came over to me. His hands circled my waist as he peered into my eyes. I saw him then. The emotions transparent, a mix of serious intensity and the raw longing for another person. And sadness, which didn’t make sense. “You think I don’t care that another man had his mouth on you? Of course I care.”
The breath rushed out of my lungs and my knees felt weak. His words brought relief but only to part of the problem. My gut said to stop, but my head and my heart said to push him a little more for definitive answers. I yearned for this to be more between us. Something tangible spoken out loud.
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to upset you.” My hands cupped his cheeks. I peered into his eyes, trying to read him better as I wore my heart on the outside. “I know this is supposed to be casual. But this doesn’t feel casual to me. You are so good to me. So much more than I ever expected. The way you make me feel. I just need to know if you feel the same way. And it’s okay if you don’t. I just need to know the truth.”
Javier rested his forehead against mine. “I feel the same, Sarina.”
“You do?” The elation filled my chest and I leaned up to kiss him, but his words stopped me.
“I feel the same, but you’re not really mine. Not permanently. What right do I have to feel jealous or angry?”
“But you have every right,” I pleaded with him. “If you think we’re together.”
The emotions shifted in his eyes as he struggled with his answer. “Maybe I tried to pretend at first. That you could mean nothing. But I couldn’t. I care about you, Sarina. And in another time or place, I could see myself wanting so much more with you. I thought you could tell how I felt without us talking about it. Because talking makes it feel more real. And the more we feel, the harder it ends.”
“You don’t think I know that?” I whispered. “I know you will hurt me. Eventually.”
“But I don’t want to hurt you. So I have to ask you this. Do you want to stop now before this gets more serious? Before it hurts more?”
“No,” I gushed. I didn’t even hesitate. The idea of him pulling away sent a panic through me. I didn’t care about the heartbreak that would come later when he left me. I needed him in my life right now. Reality could crush me when he returned home. “I don’t want to stop seeing you.”
“Good.” His smile teased a bittersweet promise. “Because I’m not sure I could let you go that easy.”
Javier kissed me hard. Hands moving over my back, molding us together. The answers and anger I sought from him manifested as passion from his lips, twisting and turning between us until the fight disintegrated into heartfelt desire.
He eventually pulled away. Our breaths heavy. Lips red and burning. I let myself savor the taste of him. The feel of his body curving into mine. One day, this would just be a memory. A beautiful and wonderful and bittersweet memory.
He placed a lingering kiss on my lips, his arms losing their hold. I felt the energy changing. The moment over. He didn’t want to talk about this anymore. Maybe it was best we moved on from the conversation. I’d gotten my answer. And I didn’t want to wallow in the uncertainty of the future.
“Your choice.” He grinned. “We can work on the floor or we can go to your room. I will let you decide.”
I laughed faintly, letting the seriousness shift into playful banter between us. “Are you trying to lure me away from cleaning by offering sex?”
“I didn’t say that.” But he followed it up with another kiss, trying to convince me of the latter option of my room.
“Hey, that’s not going to get you out of working. You made a job commitment.” I backed out of his arms, pointing at his cleaning supplies. “Now get to work. Make this place shine.”
“Whoa!” He grinned, shaking his head. “You have spent too much time with my grandmother.”
“Oh, that was just plain mean.”
He laughed. “Come on, Ms. Atwood. We need to get to work.”
The room seemed bigger while on my hands and k
nees. The daunting task overwhelming even with Javier working beside me on the baseboards. I glanced over at him. His bottom lip stayed captured between his teeth as he concentrated on scrubbing.
The milestone of our talk was still heavy in the air. Time would only tell how deep the heartbreak would be for us. One day, he would leave. And I would be the girl left crying. The story of my life. Being caught in a spiderweb of toxic relationships. But no, that wasn’t fair to Javier. Nothing about this man could be classified as toxic. Going home to his family wasn’t a crime. Just bittersweet and noble—and aggravating. I let out a deep breath, and the air left my lips in a huff of frustration.
The sound caught his attention. Javier stopped polishing the wood. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” I shook my head and went back to work. He didn’t need to know where my mind had wandered.
“You ready to quit?” I felt something wet hit the back of my shirt. Turning around, Javier gave me a wide grin. His cleaning rag rested next to my foot.
I laughed and threw it back at his face, but he ducked and it slammed into the ballroom wall. A mischievous glint flashed in his eyes. I took off running, my bare feet slapping on the floor as Aerosmith sang Crazy through the speakers. He chased me toward the bar. I ducked around one side, putting the full expanse of the long bar top between us. The dirty rag hung loosely in his hand.
“Come here, Sarina.”
My lips quivered in a grin. “Uh, no.”
Javier strode toward me. I kept equal steps going in the opposite direction. We circled each other around the bar. And then he lunged in the opposite direction to catch me off guard. Out of reflex, I took off toward the other side of the ballroom. I wasn’t sure where I thought I could hide in the open space. But I ran, laughing hard. It didn’t take long for his arms to circle around my waist. His own laughter echoed in my ear as he stuffed the dirty rag down the back of my tank top.
I squealed, spinning out of his hold. Shaking my shirt, the cloth fell to the floor. I picked it up as I shot him a dirty look. “You’re going to pay for that.”
“Yeah? You have to catch me first.”
Javier ran back toward the bar as I chased him. His feet moved half the speed from earlier. And I caught up with him fairly quickly. He walked calmly backward over the wood floor. I held up the dirty rag, threatening, as he grinned, taunting me back.
The radio station switched songs. The guitars played a relaxed tempo. And I slowly stalked Javier. When his back hit the wall next to the bar, I let out a breathless laugh in his face. “I think you’re trapped now.”
“I guess I am.”
Javier grabbed my hips, holding me against him. The rag fell somewhere next to our feet as my palms went to his shoulders. I leaned up and pressed my lips to his mouth. My eyes closed as we kissed, movements bold and wild. Our breaths still coming in warm exhales from running. Hands sliding over my waist, grazing the sides of my breasts. The lust between us strong and vibrant.
He spun me around until my back was against the wall. My head fell to the side as his lips left warm imprints down the side of my neck. He knotted his fingers up in my ponytail. I heard a noise and my eyes flew open. The handles on the double doors shook as they tried to turn.
“Go!” I pushed him back. My skin burned from the surge of adrenaline. Javier let go of me and dove behind the bar.
The hinges had a tendency to stick and were on my list of things to refurbish in the ballroom. The delay worked in our favor, providing just a few extra seconds before Mrs. Hawthorn swept into the room.
“Ms. Atwood, why does it sound like a nightclub has moved in next door?”
The music wasn’t extremely loud, but nonetheless, her sound system was currently playing a song by Poison. She glanced up at the ceiling—as if she expected a disco ball to be spinning under the beautiful hand-painted design.
“I’m sorry. I was working and got a little carried away.” I glanced over at the controls. “I’ll uh . . . turn it off.”
Her lips pursed together, eyebrows arching high. “If you insist on playing music while working, at least use the time for some classical education.”
“Yes, ma’am. Very good point.”
“I do believe Bach is still in the player.”
“I can change it.” I scampered quickly over behind the bar before she decided to control the sound system herself. My eyes caught a quick glimpse of Javier at my feet. I turned the input from radio to the CD player. I felt the touch of his fingers on my ankle, moving slowly up my calf. The man played with fire as she eyed me from only a few feet away.
Soft piano notes accompanied by violins filled the ballroom. I gave a terse smile back at Mrs. Hawthorn while his hand reached my thigh, getting close to sliding under the hem of my shorts. What the hell was he doing?
I tried to keep my composure, hoping to convey real enthusiasm. “This sounds lovely.”
“Yes, much better.” Her eyes drifted back up to the ceiling as she listened to the music. “Well, carry on, Ms. Atwood. I’m sure you have plenty to do tonight. And get those hinges oiled on the door tomorrow. We can’t have the doors sticking.”
“Yes, ma’am.” But she had already turned around, my words left hanging as she marched back across the room. The doors groaned and squeaked as she slammed them shut behind her.
The release of tension flooded my senses, and giggles bubbled in my throat. Javier rose up from the floor next to me. This was all too much. The burst of laughter left my lungs, followed by a second and third. I clamped my hand over my mouth to stifle the sound.
“You.” I pointed at him accusingly. “Almost got us caught.”
“I was giving you moral support.” Javier teased, grabbing my accusing fingers and pulling them to his lips.
“Hmmm. I doubt your grandmother would have thought your hand up my shorts looked very moral.”
“I’m so tired of her being a self-righteous tyrant. She needs to appreciate you more. It would not have killed her to tell you how good it looks in here.”
“Why would she do that? This job is a gift.” I rolled my eyes as I laughed again, quoting her words. “One that many wanted and only I got.”
He didn’t seem to find the humor in my joke. “You deserve better. I hope you know this. You’re much too valuable to give your time to someone who doesn’t appreciate your dedication or your abilities.”
“But it will pay off one day.”
Javier wrapped his arms around my waist. “But what about right now, Sarina? She treats you terrible.”
I smiled. “But you don’t. And that makes up for it.”
“I just wish she saw you the way I do.” His lips hovered just a breath away. “You’re resourceful and intelligent. And you spend hours on tasks that most would not do.”
Javier laid it all on thick. Bodies molding together. Lust and desire mixing with his compliments while his hips swayed against me, almost in a slow dance as the crescendo of music filled the room.
“You’re impossible,” I whispered.
“I’m just getting started.” His fingers played with the hem of my tank top, teasing before slipping under the fabric, brushing along my rib cage. “You’re determined and you’re kind.” He leaned in for an almost kiss, grazing only my bottom lip. “And this guilt you carry for your family means you love deeply.”
My eyes opened wide as I stared at him.
Javier smirked. “Don’t be surprised. I see loyalty in you, Sarina. Even when you try to make your own way, you are still loyal to those you care about.” His mouth finally touched mine with a sensual kiss. Different than earlier. This one full of intentional persuasion or just seduction.
He knew how to change the game. Turn the tables. My thoughts were lost. His lips pulled and tugged against mine. My tongue sought his with urgency. I craved more from him. I needed to feel that connection. I pressed myself against him. My breasts molded to his chest. Hands moving to his hair. The strands long enough to bury my fingers in the so
ftness. A low sound left his lips.
Javier whispered in my ear. “Quiero hacerte el amor.”
The man had said those words enough times now that I understood the meaning. He wanted to make love to me. The ache spread through my stomach. The physical need almost painful. I glanced over his shoulder at the mahogany doors across the room. Mrs. Hawthorn had only left a few minutes ago. “Let’s go to my room.”
I moved away from his embrace, tugging him by the hand. I wanted to get through the house as quickly as possible. To resume kissing him in my room. To feel our bare skin pressed together in bed. Him moving inside of me, easing the ache gripping my senses. I needed him. Or I might not ever think clearly again.
“Wait.” The determined tone of his voice stopped me.
I gazed up at him expectantly. “What?”
The chandeliers sparkled above us, and his eyes burned the color of dark coffee as he flashed a mischievous grin. “I want you in this room.”
My eyes shot back to the doors. Her room. Had he lost his mind? This was an incredibly stupid idea. “What if—”
Javier touched my lips with his index finger. “I’m tired of her dictating what I do in this house. I want you now. And this is the room we are in. Think of how good this will feel. You and me in her precious ballroom. But I understand if this isn’t something you want to risk. Tell me no, and we go to your room.”
He let go of my lips and my tongue grazed absently across the warm imprint left by his finger. His breath hitched as he watched me. I gazed back at him. A game of roulette in the ballroom. High stakes. The flash of adrenaline as the wheel turned. The rush of pleasure. Javier wanted to bet my future. All in for a momentary win against his grandmother.
This was crazy. Maybe the burning need for him dulled my rational thoughts. Or maybe I felt the same as him and craved a little revenge as much as we craved each other. But I found myself nodding and saying, “Okay.”
The Hawks_A Novel Page 22