The Hawks_A Novel

by SD Hendrickson

“Now you think I should leave?” I rolled my eyes, biting back a laugh. “A little late to be sitting out here agreeing with me. Just accept it. I have. This is my life now.”

  “It doesn’t have to be. And you know that.” He shifted in his seat and finally gave me his attention. The hardness settling in his stare. “You got an option. And you should leave.” He motioned back toward the house. “And take them with you.”

  What was the matter with him? After all the yelling conversations and accusations tossed at me about leaving here. Now he had done a complete flip and thought I should get the hell out of here? Had he lost his damn mind? Maybe all the alone time at the ranch in his stupid house was eating away at his brain.

  “Where exactly do you think I should go with my grandparents?”

  “You know where,” he muttered. “Go see your boyfriend.”

  “Colombia?” I stared back at him dumbfounded by the suggestion. “You think I should just leave and take Granddaddy and Grams with me to fucking Colombia?”

  “Don’t get hateful.”

  “Hateful? Are you serious?” My heart picked up, beating heavier in my chest with exasperation more than anger. “I’m not being hateful. I’m being realistic. I can’t leave. Mama is still here. Remember? And I can’t just . . . just . . . take Granddaddy and Grams to live in Colombia. That’s insane.”

  I ended my tirade with a slow huff. I missed Javier. More than I’d ever thought possible. The days without him racked in despair. He made things better. But we couldn’t be together. He needed to be there and I needed to be here. I quickly wiped away a tear, but three more replaced it. The sniffles came next.

  I missed him so much.

  This whole big twisted mess. Javier didn’t leave at first, staying around as the police sorted through the case. I leaned on him. Cried on his shoulder. Let him kiss me. Let him briefly take away the pain as he made love to me. My nightmares disappeared when I slept next to him. Our bodies tightly intertwined as if that would protect us from the outside world.

  I knew he stayed in the country longer just for me. I let him. I took from Javier until I came to my senses. We couldn’t continue being together. What felt so right also felt so wrong after what my family had done to his family. Our lives would forever be tainted by that night.

  Sure, he didn’t blame me personally. Neither did his parents. According to Javier, his father held no hard feelings toward me. Although I’m not exactly sure how his uncle Ted perceived me. The police had searched my entire room and then allowed Brenda to pack my belongings in boxes. They felt it best that I never enter the estate again.

  But none of that mattered. Javier needed to go back to his original plan. The one he’d put in motion before it had gotten blown to shreds. I encouraged him to leave. To go spend time with his sisters and start working with his father like he’d promised.

  A month ago, I convinced him to finally leave. Javier returned to Colombia to see his family, promising to be gone only temporarily. But once he’d left the country, I’d refused his calls. The pain in watching each one go to voicemail just about broke me all over again. But I knew one of us needed to have the guts to end it. He finally left me a long message. Said he would respect my space for now. But he would return back to me soon—just like he’d promised.

  I sniffled and wiped my nose with the sleeve of my sweatshirt. I knew his words came with a ticking clock. Javier wouldn’t break his promise. One day, the man would return to my doorstep even though I prayed for him to just forget me. He needed to move on with his life.

  “I can’t be with him, Cole.” I sucked in a final drag of my cigarette before snuffing it out on the arm of the chair. “Do you know how messed up that is?”

  “Says who? Some opinionated strangers? Assholes your family should have stopped talking to years ago? But that’s the reason you need to get the hell out of here. Take Grams and Granddaddy with you. This place is killin’ them. Maybe you don’t stay with Javier forever. Or maybe you do. But go live someplace where this ain’t hangin’ over your head every day. This place is like the never-ending funeral. Go find some happiness.”

  “Fine. You’re right. But it doesn’t change anything. I can’t leave Mama here.”

  “She’s in a home, Sarina. And honestly, she does better not seeing any of us. I’m here. They can call me if something comes up. And I’ll stop by and check on her a few times a month. You don’t need to be here. She’s doing jut fine.”

  I shook my head, trying to find some other grounds to argue. Instead, I found myself staring at him while he seemed fixated out in the yard. The clouds had shifted, the moon brighter for the moment. The sadness rested heavy in his eyes. We were his family. The one he’d begged me not to take away from him. But now this family wasn’t whole. The pieces had fallen apart. And he seemed to be letting us go. Maybe that was his intent tonight.

  “What will happen to you?” I whispered. “If we’re not here?”

  He head tilted to the side, gray eyes wistful as he gave me a half smile. And then he shrugged. “I’ll be okay. And I’m not your problem anymore.”

  “But you’re my friend.” My throat burned as I stared at him. Cole was the only thing I had left of Tyson. But I didn’t say it out loud to add salt to the already-painful thought. But I couldn’t imagine completely letting him go. I couldn’t do that to Ty.

  “I know we’re friends. Which is why I’m telling it to you straight.” He patted my knee before getting up from the chair. “You look like shit, Sarina. Get out of here. Before it’s too late. Don’t sit on this porch smoking yourself to death and workin’ the night shift at some grocery store. You got dreams, Sarina. Go live them.”

  He flashed a half smile before turning away. The door closed behind him, leaving me speechless. The breeze ruffled my hair as I swallowed back the emotions. Was he right? The light no longer existed in this house for any of us. Even he didn’t want to be here. It’s why he’d stopped visiting.

  But for the first time in months, I let myself think about the future. Maybe we all needed a break. Maybe we needed to live in a place that didn’t know anything about our story. Maybe being with Javier was the only way I truly survived.

  Once the idea took root, I couldn’t stop the possibilities from growing in my mind. Nervous flutters hit my stomach and I crawled out of the chair. Going back inside the house, I shut the main door and locked it behind me. I found Granddaddy and Grams on the orange-and-brown-flowered couch in the living room. The glow of the television illuminated their faces. I closed my eyes and almost laughed, picturing them in a place I’d never actually seen but had been described in such beautiful detail by Javier.

  They would think I was crazy. Maybe even refuse to leave with me. But I could sell them on the idea. I could convince them of why we needed a new start, in a beautiful new place. Warmth flooded my chest. The first bit of hope in so many hopeless months.

  I could be with Javier. We could be together for real. Hold his hand as we walked through the plantation. Kiss his lips as the sun beamed down on us.

  “Sarina?” Grams said, bringing me out of my daydream. “Are you okay?”

  I let out a deep breath. “We need to talk.”

  Taking a seat in the side chair, I focused on my words. I said my peace, even cried as I spoke from the heart. The darkness inside of me seemed to recede. The more I worked to convince them of this idea, the more I convinced myself. I needed this. We needed this.

  “Colombia?” Granddaddy’s eyes shifted over to Grams. “You want us to move to Colombia with you?”

  “Not move. I mean. For now. We visit. Just take it day by day.” The determination grew in my words. “Think about it. How beautiful it would be there. And maybe it wouldn’t hurt as bad. We could remember Ty however we wanted. No one would tell you differently or make you feel bad about it.”

  I knew that part spoke to Grams. She hated the way people looked at her here—like she’d failed as a grandparent since she’d raised him.
<
br />   “Well, what about . . . I mean. We can’t just . . . I . . .” Grams threaded her fingers together, wringing back and forth, fidgeting as her mind ran with the anxiety. Granddaddy put one of his hands on top of hers and she settled down.

  I understood that feeling. What it meant to have someone to calm the storm inside your chest. She had my grandfather. And I’d found Javier.

  “It’s going to be okay,” I assured them. And I actually felt the words to be true. “I’m going to start the paperwork tomorrow. Maybe we can have it all settled by the trial. And we can leave afterward. Someplace new that doesn’t hurt every time we walk in the door. Think about how that would feel.”

  “Wait. We can’t.” She looked at me frantic. “What about Shelby? She doesn’t know us really anymore . . . but someone needs to be here. We can’t leave her alone without anyone in town.”

  “Cole’s going to check on her. He came over to tell me that tonight.” I smiled as a strange feeling went through my chest. I was leaning on him again. And this time, I think it felt okay. He was my friend. My family. I swallowed back the thickness in my throat. “We can come back every few months and see Mama. But Cole can keep us updated.”

  Grams nodded as she tried to let the idea soak into her thoughts. “He’s a good boy,” she finally muttered.

  “Yeah, I know,” I whispered.

  “Okay. Maybe, this could work but I don’t speak Spanish. How are we . . .”

  I shrugged. “I don’t either. But we’ll be okay. His family speaks English. And we can learn Spanish together. It will be like being in school again. What do you think?”

  Her eyes panned the room before coming back to mine. And then something shifted. Understanding. Maybe hope. She nodded as the idea settled into her heart and a slow smile touched her lips. “I think . . . it sounds nice.”

  Later that evening back in my old room, I sat on the twin bed, delaying what I needed to do. I watched the shadows cast by the lamp. The wallpaper had once been a vibrant canary yellow but had faded to a translucent cashmere with the outline of white flowers. We’d never changed it. Not when Ty and I had moved in here. Not when he moved out. Not even after I’d graduated high school.

  I finally dialed his number and held the phone to my ear, listening to the slow rings. I fidgeted. My fingers twisting the side of my sweatshirt. I didn’t know why I felt nervous about calling Javier. Maybe because it had been weeks since I’d heard his voice. Weeks since I’d intentionally ghosted him. A cruel thing to inflict on the sweetest person I’d ever known.

  I sucked in a deep breath and let it out. My lungs weak and exhausted. I needed to cut back on the cigarettes. No, I needed to let them go for good like Cole.

  “Sarina?” Javier answered, his tongue rolling sweetly over my name. I’d missed that sound.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

  “Hey . . . no, it’s okay. I understand. But it’s good to finally hear your voice again.” I knew he was smiling. I heard it as he spoke. “I’ve missed you.”

  “I’ve missed you too. Every day.” I relaxed against my pillow, closing my eyes so I could picture him in my mind. The way his lips moved when he spoke. The way his eyes stared back at me. So intent. So sweet. The combination of worry and wanting to kiss me. The way his skin felt against my fingertips.

  “Are you okay?” he asked.

  “No, not really. But I’ve been doing my best to hold it together,” I said with a feeble, sad laugh. “Haven’t been that successful.”

  “Mi Sarina, you need me.” The concern laced heavy on his words. “I can come back next week.”

  “No,” I whispered. “I don’t want you to come here. But I think that . . . well, maybe . . . you should show me the ocean instead.”

  His breath had a hitch of surprise. “The real ocean?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then I’ll take you.”

  I smiled as I imagined the smell of sea salt and the way the ocean water would taste on my lips. I wished for us to be there right now.

  “Would you tell me about it?” I whispered. “Tell me where we would go?”

  “Well.” He paused. “There are so many places. Maybe we could go to Playa Blanca at the Isla de Baru or maybe Santa Marta. They have some beautiful beaches. The sand is soft between your toes. And the water is clear. Like a deep turquoise. We could even go into Tayrona. I think you would like it there.”

  His voice hit me the way a lullaby wrapped around a child. “Tell me more.”

  “I would hold your hand as we walked together through the sand. The water would brush our feet. You’d be wearing that black bikini from the pool. But this time, I could see you in the sun as you ran into the water. And I would chase you. Pull you into my arms. Kiss you as the waves came up around us.”

  “That sounds nice,” I whispered. I’d do anything for this fantasy to be real. Right now. I wanted to touch him so much it hurt. I ran my tongue over my bottom lip, imagining what it would feel like to be with him right now in the ocean. His sweet demanding kisses. His skin wet against mine as I ran my hands over his chest, through his hair.

  “And then I would lift you up. And your legs would wrap around my waist. The waves would hit us, but I would hold your body tight. I wouldn’t let you go.”

  “You wouldn’t?”

  “No. If you let me show you the ocean, I’d never let you go.”

  My throat tightened with emotion as I yearned for what I knew he could give me. This wasn’t the life I’d imagined years ago. But my old world no longer existed. And this was something that felt right in the world I lived in now.

  “Javier, I know you told me not to accept my first job offer. But I want to say yes. That is, if the job still exists.”

  “The job has always been yours. I want you here with me more than anything. Please say you’re not teasing?”

  “I’m not teasing.” I felt a tear roll down my cheek. Wiping the wetness away with my fingers, a bittersweet feeling settled in my chest and I smiled as the sadness of the past mixed with the hope he gave me for the future. “I want us to be together. After we get everything settled here, I’m coming to you.”

  “Then I’ll be waiting.”

  Two Years Later

  THE SUN BURNED HIGH IN the sky. The flap of my beach hat blocked some of the rays. I dug around in my bag for a bottle of sunscreen. My body already a deep bronze from the hours working outside back at our home. I needed to keep a light layer of cream smeared on my skin every day to keep from getting a sunburn. Last year, the flaky layers peeled for weeks.

  I dusted the white sand off my legs. Pouring a handful of sunscreen in my palm, I spread the cream up my calves to my thighs. I glanced out toward the turquoise-blue water of Playa Blanca at the Isla de Baru. The real ocean on the northern coast of Colombia. One of the most beautiful places I’d ever seen.

  I worked on my arms, rubbing the cream into my skin. The tension in my shoulders still tight but loosening after lounging on the beach this morning. The smell of the sea worked wonders on the soul. We’d arrived only yesterday. This was a needed break from work. The hours at the plantation were longer than any of us had imagined. We did everything. Working the field with the hired winemaker, learning the actual process of growing the vines. Studying soil changes and technique.

  Javier had big dreams. Although Colombia wasn’t the ideal place for a vineyard, many had been successful. We needed to learn from what had not worked and be cautious in how we proceeded. He dedicated most of his time to the startup while still working for his father and grandfather on the coffee plantation.

  I remained involved in the business side of the vineyard. Grams and I studied Spanish together. And I’d read about fifty books on horticulture and viticulture. I wanted to know everything. I had hundreds of questions for the winemaker. The process fascinated me. All the science behind producing something beautiful even though it would be years before we had actual wine in bottles.

  And we may completely fail.r />
  Or maybe we would have a successful label in the slowly growing Colombian wine market. Only time would tell if all this work brought Javier’s dream alive.

  Mrs. Hawthorn would have been proud of my initiative and willingness to broaden my education—at least I decided to pretend that would be the case. I thought about her sometimes. When I least expected it, I’d hear her voice in my head. She had been such a difficult person, but her presence was so intense in my life. Strange as it might be, I missed her sometimes and mourned her loss. I think in his own way, Javier did too.

  The other Hawthorns were vastly different than the prim and proper Delsey. Javier’s family welcomed us with open arms. And it became abundantly clear why Drew Hawthorn had chosen this life over the one he’d been born into with Hawk’s Landing.

  We all worked well together. Grams and Granddaddy helped on the coffee plantation. They lived in a little cottage on the outskirts of the property. And I lived with Javier in our own. The place wasn’t much. Just two bedrooms with a small kitchen and sitting room. But we didn’t care. I curled up in his arms at night and woke up to his kisses in the morning. I’d never felt this happy and content in my entire life.

  My phone buzzed inside my bag. I wiped my hands on the towel before I pulled it out, seeing Cole’s name on the screen. We didn’t talk much. He’d check in a few times a month. Let me know how Mama was doing. Sometimes he would drop a line or two about his own life. But I never really knew if he was okay.

  Cole: Went to see your mama today. They were showing a movie. I didn’t stay long. Nurses said everything has been good with her.

  Sarina: Thank you for doing that. Grams and I will be back next month to see her.

  Cole: Okay.

  Sarina: How are you?

  Cole: Fine.

  Sarina: Just fine? You know I worry about you.

  Cole: Don’t worry. I’m okay.

  Sarina: I don’t believe you.

  He didn’t respond. I waited a couple of minutes, wondering if that was all I would get from him today. But then he finally sent a reply.