A twinge of sadness washed over me when I saw his relationship status still sad single. Not that I expected him to change it. It probably would have freaked me out if he did. We’d only been seeing each other a few days, if you could even call it that. I didn’t know what to call it. It felt like much more.
I debated uploading some of the photos I’d taken at Fililo. Not only did I not ask him how he felt about it, I knew all of the people we’d gone to school with would freak out when they saw them.
Okay, I admit, I wanted Sweater Vest to see them. I wanted her to know he had someone else. I wanted her out of his life and I wanted me in it.
Fuck it.
I scrolled through the shots on my phone and selected three that I thought were really good. I tagged Brett and uploaded them to my Facebook page.
Then I waited. And waited. And waited some more. I waited about 15 minutes before the flood of comments started, more than I thought there would be.
Most of my so-called friends from college expressed surprise, which didn’t surprise me. I was as shocked as they were that the two of us were “together.”
Olivia asked if she should change her seating chart and put us the same table for her wedding reception.
A few of the guys I’d been with made rude comments like: I’m available, Baby, if you want a real man.
I held my breath until I saw Brett was online. He messaged me: Nice photos. Looks like I’m one lucky guy.
Sorry about the comments, I messaged back.
They’re just jealous that I got the girl, he messaged.
Me: Want a few more to upload to your laptop? That’s why I took so many.
Brett: Of course. Please send them. I can never have too many photos of you.
I emailed him most of the photos. And he messaged me back a few moments later: I’m uploading these right now. Now you’ll need to come back to visit me so you can see if I’m telling the truth.
Me: Maybe…if you’re good.
Brett: I’m always good.
Me: We’ll see how good you are in Tucson.
Then I saw an alert come through: A comment on a message you were tagged on from Rebecca Stiller (friend of Brett Conner). I clicked on Brett’s wall to see what Sweater Vest had posted.
One of the photos Brett was tagged on was of the two of us standing in front of Fililo. It was a gorgeous photo. The sun as just right and our faces were lit up with sunshine and the happiness of the moment.
While the photos of us had garnered scores of comments, Sweater Vest’s was the only comment on the photo on Brett’s wall. The comment was short but to the point: Who’s that?
Obviously she didn’t mean it in the literal sense. She could see my name on the photo and she could visit my wall to find out all kinds of interesting things about me, which I was positive she was already doing. And I was sure her final conclusion would be: what’s my ex fiancé doing with that slut?
Sweater Vest didn’t really want to know who I was, she wanted to know what I was. She wanted to know what my relationship was to Brett. I guess that was the one and only thing we had in common because I wanted to know the exact same thing.
***
Work on Tuesday was more boring than it had ever been. It didn’t help that I kept thinking about Brett. I didn’t want to wait two weeks until the wedding to see him again. I didn’t want to admit that I missed him but I knew I did. The guy had managed to expand my withered heart just enough to weasel his way into it. It was a feat no one else had ever managed to do but somehow Brett knew just how to do it.
After work, I found myself in the garden section of Target with little recollection of how I had actually gotten there. I had never actually been to a garden store before and I felt uncomfortable being there, like I was some kind of imposter. But being there also reminded me of Brett, which made me smile for a brief moment. Then I just felt pathetic. Was I actually pining after a guy? Me? The biggest slut of the 21 century. I could drive to any club in the Valley and have my pick of hot guys in the place within minutes yet the only guy I really wanted was in another state. And while I was usually very sure about what most guys wanted (sex), Brett was a complete mystery to me. I wasn’t sure exactly what he wanted and that made him intriguing and scary. Mostly because he seemed to have the upper hand and that was something I definitely wasn’t used to. I was used to having the power and holding all the cards.
As I was browsing through the garden section, I noticed a stand of small plants that were on clearance. They all looked like they had been neglected and were half dead. They reminded me of myself in so many ways I could feel a little pull on my heartstrings as I examined them. Sad little plants that no one seemed to really care about or want; it was the story of my life. I often felt disposable. Like something to be used then thrown on a sale rack because it was too pathetic for anyone to pay full price for. In an impulsive moment, I grabbed the most pathetic looking plant of the bunch and took it up to the register.
The older woman at the register eyed me suspiciously when I went to pay for the plant. It looked even worse when I set it on the counter.
The older woman wrinkled her chicken beak of a nose at me. “You know this will probably be dead in a day or two.”
“And your point is?” I was in a take-no-shit mood, which was a fairly common mode of operating for me (Flaw 35).
“What would you want to waste your money on a pathetic thing like this for?”
I glared at the woman, suddenly feeling defensive for the fragile plant. “Somebody has to at least try to save it.”
“Some things aren’t worth saving,” the woman sneered and I could have sworn she was talking about me.
I threw two dollar bills at her and grabbed my plant.
“Don’t you want your change?” I could hear her say as I hurried out of the store with my pathetic excuse for a plant.
By the time I made it back to my car, I saw seething. In the outdoor sunlight, my plant did look pathetic and sad. I wasn’t sure it was worth saving but I was going to try. I thought about Brett. Would people ask him why he was wasting his time with a slut like me? Would they tell him I wasn’t worth it? I’m sure Sweater Vest already had.
When I got home, I placed my little plant on the counter. I gave it a tiny bit of water and then stared at it and waited. I wasn’t sure what to do next. I knew it would take time to get better. I knew I would have to have patience with it. Was that what Brett was doing with me?
I grabbed my cell phone and snapped a photo of my plant. I decided to call my plant Marvin because when I was a kid and asked for a dog, which my parents refused, I always wanted to name my dog Marvin.
I decided to get some plant advice from the expert so I emailed the photo to Brett and waited. It only took him a few minutes to respond: You got a Dracaena. They’re great plants. Although, the one you selected is a bit rough around the edges. It will take a little bit of work to bring it completely back to life and thriving again. I wish I was there. I could help you with it. But here are a few suggestions. First, it will need to be repotted so it has room to grow. I have attached some suggested types of pots with dimensions. Second, the plant needs moderate sunlight. It’s a delicate balance. Too much sunshine and you’ll burn the poor thing. Too little sunshine and it will wilt. The same is true for water. I would suggest using a spray bottle and misting the plant rather than watering it. I have provided a link to a YouTube video that explains all about misting plants. Finally, please get a little bit of Miracle Grow that will provide the plant with some nutrients it looks like it missed while it was developing. You can’t make up for everything it missed but you can give it enough to bring it back to health. I know you’ll be able to save the darling little thing. I think you’ll be surprised how lovely it will be with a little love and someone to care about it.”
I was suddenly struck with a sense of fear. I had never made a commitment to anything in my life. I didn’t even like to commit to being at any one party on a Saturday night, if I could help it
. Now I had committed myself to bringing a plant back to life. I wasn’t sure I could handle it. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to. I could have looked up stuff about plants online but I realized I had told Brett about the plant because I wanted to make myself accountable. I wanted him to know about it because otherwise I might have just said fuck it and thrown the thing away.
I looked at Marvin. Since I had never actually done anything worthwhile in my life, I decided I’d start with this pathetic little plant and see if I could save him from the brink of death. I wasn’t sure I was up to the challenge but at least I had to try.
A few minutes later, Winter come home. We usually ignored each other but today she stopped and looked at my plant.
“Why is there a Dracaena on the counter?”
Why did everyone know the type of plant but me? And I was the one who purchased it. How pathetic is that?
“I’m trying to save it,” I answered.
“Good luck with that. It’s pretty messed up.”
“I know.”
“Do you really think you can save it?”
I shrugged.
“How much did you pay for it?”
“Two dollars.”
“You got ripped off.”
With that, Winter grabbed her bag, headed into her bedroom and slammed the door behind her.
I was alone again with Marvin, the plant symbolic of me.
Six
The week seemed to drag by. My brother noticed something was going on because he called me into his office late Thursday afternoon.
“So?” My brother looked up from his stack of contracts. “You’re not your usual cold and heartless self. What’s going on?”
I shrugged. I wasn’t used to discussing any aspect of my life with Jake, especially not my love life, if you could even call it that.
“Does it have anything to do with you going away for the long weekend?”
“Maybe.”
“Look, I know we haven’t exactly been close.” That was an understatement. My brother seemed to be searching for words, which was unusual. He generally knew exactly what he wanted to say and how he wanted to say it. He was always polished and to the point. “If there’s ever anything you want to talk about, just let me know.”
Twenty-three years and my brother finally gave a shit about me. What a joke. I wanted to say: Where were you when I was fourteen and really needed some guidance and someone to talk to? Where were you when I just started to go off the rails? It’s a little late now that I’m a complete and total fuck up. But he did give me a job and he was showing some interest, so I didn’t completely tear him a new one.
“I’ll keep that in mind,” I affirmed.
I could hear him heave a sigh as I bolted out of his office.
***
That night, when I was spray-misting Marvin, I noticed a small sprout starting to develop. It was new growth! I couldn’t have been more elated. I immediately reached for the phone and called Brett. It had been nearly a week since we talked and it felt a lot longer. He had warned me that he wouldn’t have a lot of time to phone me during the week because he worked crazy long hours but he did text me sweet little messages, which made me smile.
I didn’t even see him much on Facebook but I noticed Sweater Vest had posted some “How are you doing?” messages to his wall. I guess she only felt concern for him when it looked like he had another girl in his life. I was glad to see that Brett didn’t respond, at least not publically. That’s not to say that they didn’t resume communication and I just didn’t see it, which made me incredibly jealous.
Brett’s phone rang and rang. I expected for voicemail to pick up but there was nothing. Weird. I didn’t want to come across as a stalker, so I didn’t immediately try again. I waited a few hours then phoned back.
“Anna,” Brett said when he finally picked up. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, why?”
“I saw that you phoned earlier. I’m sorry I couldn’t phone you back right away. Work has been crazy.”
“I was surprised your voicemail didn’t pick up. I would have left a message.”
There was an awkward moment of silence before Brett responded. That couldn’t be good, I thought.
“I was on the phone with Becca,” he said quickly.
Now I was the one who was silent.
“Anna, are you still there?” Brett’s voice sounded strained.
I didn’t want to come across as a crazy jealous bitch but that was exactly how I was feeling. I knew the female brain well enough to know that Sweater Vest would try to get her claws back into him the minute there was another girl in the picture.
“I’m here,” I managed to get out with minimal emotion, even though inside I was going fucking nuts.
“Becca’s going through a little bit of a rough patch right now.”
“I bet she is,” I blurted. I came out a lot nastier than I would have liked.
“Nothing’s going on between us. She still considers me a friend, that’s all.”
“Whatever,” I hissed. “I didn’t call to talk about Sweater Vest.”
“I know. I’m sorry. What do you need?”
Before I could stop myself, I said, “I don’t need anything. I’ve never needed anyone or anything and I’m not going to start with you.”
Silence again. I waited for Brett to say something—anything. Finally, he said, “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“I can’t stop you from talking to Sweater Vest but I hope you can see what she’s doing. She didn’t want you until someone else did. Now you’re desirable again because she thinks someone else has you.”
“You do have me,” Brett said quietly. Now he was the one, who sounded hurt.
“It doesn’t feel like I have you right now.”
“I need to see you.” Brett sounded like he might cry and that twisted me up inside. “I would hop on a plane right now if I could but I have to work all weekend. We have a huge project due on Monday and we’re way behind.”
“We’re going to see each other next weekend at the wedding. It’s only eight days from now.”
“Please don’t be mad at me. It breaks my heart when you’re upset.”
I wanted to say: then don’t do anything to piss me off—like talking to Sweater Vest but I held my tongue. I was actually showing some restraint, which was a little growth for me, just like Marvin.
“I just remembered the reason I called. Marvin has a small sprout.”
“Who’s Marvin?”
“My plant.”
Brett laughed. “You named your plant Marvin?”
“It’s a great name and it suits him. Don’t you name your plants?”
“I’ve never named a plant.”
“Maybe you should try.”
“Does that mean that Marvin has come back to life?”
“Marvin is doing exceptionally well. Not only has he come back to life, he’s starting to grow.”
“Take another photo and send it to me.”
“I will do that.”
Brett hesitated for a moment before speaking again. “Are you going out this weekend?” I could hear the strain in his voice again.
“I hadn’t really planned that far ahead.” And it was the truth. I generally went out when I got an itch to hang out and have fun.
I could tell Brett wanted to say more but he hesitated. “Well, if you do go out, would you think about me?”
How could I not? He was pretty much all I thought about lately. “Okay.”
“I really want to be with you right now.” I could hear the longing in his voice.
“I want to be with you, too,” I admitted.
“Be good.”
“I’m always good,” I teased even though I knew our definitions of the word were probably different.
“I know,” Brett said as he hung up.
***
It was nine o’clock on a Saturday night and I was still at home, in sweatpants and a tee shirt. I couldn’t remembe
r the last time I was home on a Saturday night. I may have been 12.
My roommate came in with one of her witch friends. At one time, I thought she told me the girl’s name was Zelda. Zelda was dressed in all black, just like Winter, but Zelda was more than a little overweight. The two gawked at me when they saw me on the couch.
“What’s going on?” Winter said. She was trying to be casual but she seemed to be in shock.
I shrugged. “Not much.” I put down the People magazine I had been reading.
I was lounging on the love seat, so Winter and Zelda took seats on the couch.
“Aren’t you going out?” Winter asked uncomfortably. She clearly didn’t know what to make of the situation.
“Nope.”
I could see Winter and Zelda eyeing each other. Then Winter said, “Why not?”
“I’m spending the evening with Marvin.”
Winter looked around the apartment. “You’ve got a guy here? Where is he? Is he in the bathroom?”
Both girls’ turned toward the bathroom at the same time. We could all see from where we were sitting that the bathroom door was open and the room was completely empty.
One thing I never did was bring a guy back to our apartment. I told Winter I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable but the truth was that I always wanted to be in control of the morning-after’s. I wanted to be able to make a great escape without any drama. I always left guys apartments quickly and early. If a guy didn’t want to bring me to his place for sex it was always a deal breaker. My place was off limits.
I pointed to my plant. “That’s Marvin.”
Winter and Zelda looked at me like I’d gone mad.
“You named your plant?” Winter asked.
“Why Marvin,” Zelda added.
I shrugged. “Why not? Doesn’t he look like a Marvin?”
The girls both glanced at my plant.
“I guess so,” Zelda said and Winter looked at her like she was crazy.
“Just what does a Marvin look like?” Winter asked Zelda.
“Like that plant,” Zelda replied as if it explained everything.
Winter just shook her head. Then she turned to me and said, “Hey, we’re going to get a pizza and watch a movie. You in?”
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