I was in a really good mood that first night back on ship, even though none of my mates were present at the time. I felt well rested and recharged.
We were on the way to Polperro island, which had a fairly large population of sixty thousand people. Unlike most of the islands, there were two ports on the large cigar shaped island, one on the north and one on the south shore. The island was only about four miles wide, north shore to south, but it was close to fifty miles long going east to west.
The north and south ports were connected by a sprawling city which crossed the four-mile width of the island, and was surrounded by farms to the east and west. The governor’s keep was located in the northern part of the city close to the port. There were two jails as well, one by the keep, and the other by the southern part of the island.
There were also dairy farms, cattle, and wineries a few miles east of the city. As far as our intelligence suggested, the west side of the island was undeveloped past the farms close to the city. It would be our biggest island yet in terms of population when we took it.
After the mess of last time, we’d changed the ship deployment so that all our ships would be within two hundred yards of me, which would make it a kind of semi-circle, as I had to be closest to the wards to take them out. No ships could be on the island side of me, because then they’d be stuck in an area they had no magic for defenses.
The point was of course, so that I could see the next underwater attack coming, with complete coverage of all our ships. During the war a new type of attack or defense usually made it for three or four islands before they scrapped it as unworkable and tried something else, so I was fairly sure the iceberg attack would happen here as well.
Lia and Sharon had gone to Melinda’s ship, where all the captains and their seconds were meeting to go over all the new maneuvers, and what to do in certain situations. It was a little bit last minute, considering the attack was tomorrow at dawn, but no one had wanted to work during vacation. Plus, it shouldn’t be hard, I expected they’d be waking me up for some loving when they got back around midnight or so.
Amara was off with the other elves, Gorwin and Ashera were doing… elven things? Honestly I wasn’t very sure.
Neither of the latter two had lightened up much either, and were rather standoffish and silent.
I was also in a good mood because when we shipped out Daphne seemed to be in a much better mood. I thought it was a little odd, her being happy that vacation was over I mean, but I’d take it.
Regardless, the fact that none of my other mates were around that night, in retrospect, was clearly the work of Murphy. That evil fucker had set me up. If any of them had been around, they clearly would have seen what an idiot I was, and would’ve set me straight before it was too late.
So I went to sleep, a happy and ignorant bastard. I figured I should get some sleep, if I wanted to entertain my mates tonight when they got back, and still get enough sleep to be awake in the morning when I had to disassemble Polperro’s ward.
I was such a fool…
The door woke me. It was a combination of the banging sound, and the creak and rattle of the wood. My mind was rather fuzzy as I sat up. I wondered what time it was, and finally woke up enough to realize it was Daphne on the other side of the door. Her magic was more than familiar to me. It must still be early, or at least not too late, if none of my mates were back yet.
I got up, and it took three steps to get to the door. It was still a small cabin even if I was sharing with a captain nowadays, and I pulled the door open.
Daphne stood there with her arms crossed, and I watched as her eyes narrowed while she took in my face. She looked pensive, worried, and hurt.
I was confused.
I was sure it was obvious I’d been sleeping, but I just wasn’t sure why that’d made her upset yet. In the vain hope of trying not to make it worse, I waited for her to speak.
She asked in a dangerous voice, “You were asleep?”
“Umm, yes?”
I was definitely in trouble, I just had no idea how much yet, or why.
Several emotions passed over her face and in her eyes, fear, confusion, uncertainty, and anger.
Her voice was quiet, almost a whisper, and full of a vulnerability that shocked me, “Why? Is it because I’m queen? Or is it something else?”
I knew I was in trouble, still wasn’t tracking. The problem was, the words were completely nonsensical without a reference point, and I knew my face reflected total confusion as I asked, “What are you talking about?”
That was apparently the worst thing I could have said. I may have mentioned it earlier, women hated when a man didn’t know why he was in trouble.
Women hate when men don’t even know they did something wrong. In this case, it was fully justified. I truly was an idiot.
She looked at me like I’d slapped her, and I could practically see her mind turning, as her eyes widened with a horrific understanding.
The look of pain on her beautiful face, literally made my chest ache, like someone was trying to dig my heart out with a dull spoon. Worse, I was such an idiot, that I still didn’t get it. I had no idea what was going on. I’d like to blame it on my sleepy state, but I’d been an idiot for two years, so I didn’t get a pass.
She shook her head in denial, “How could you not know? I waited for you. And you…”
I saw tears appear in her eyes as she choked up, and she waved her arms in a helpless gesture. She turned from me, and walked away quickly and slipped back into her cabin. I had the urge to go after her, but I decided I needed to think, and figure out what the fuck was going on first.
She’d been completely devastated.
I took one step back and sat down on one of the chairs. I closed my eyes and tried to focus, because I was too upset and scared by what just happened to think clearly. When I got a grip on myself I started to review the last couple of weeks.
She’d been short tempered because of the timing of our vacation, but had been happy today when we’d left port for our next mission. What if she hadn’t been happy about going to work, what could have been bad about the timing of our vacation? Well, she was eighteen today…
My mind froze. It was her eighteenth birthday, and she’d waited for me.
I suddenly knew the truth, as I viewed the last two years through different eyes.
Daphne’s wistful looks, the reason she could trust Sharon, Lia, and I above all others. The reason Sharon and Lia gave me strange looks when I asked if they wanted to be advisors. The reason they always sent me when she’d been upset. All of it I had either not understood, or had interpreted completely wrong.
The pain in my chest right now, how protective I was of her, the initial attraction I’d dismissed and suppressed because it was inappropriate. The reason why I knew I could trust her to be a queen almost from the moment I met her, that I could stand behind her and support her for the rest of my life. It all made sense now.
All I knew was, I’d just hurt Daphne in a big way, she’d waited for me. She hadn’t meant tonight, or at least not just tonight, she’d waited for me for two years, and then I didn’t show up on the night that should have been the best of her life. I’d torn her heart out instead, stood before her and didn’t even recognize what she was, or how precious she was to me. I didn’t even know, because I’m a fucking moron.
Daphne was my fourth mate, or would be, if I could fix it. It was so obvious now that I wondered at my own stupidity.
Apparently everyone had known that for two years, except me. I got angry for a moment that they hadn’t told me, but then shouldn’t I have recognized it? Clearly, based on the past, they’d thought I’d known already. It also wasn’t something likely to come up in conversation, none of them had told me the sky was blue either, or that water was wet.
The guilt and pain overwhelmed me, and I couldn’t even imagine what she’d just gone through. I hadn’t merely forgotten a birthday or anniversary, I’d stood there and made it clear
I didn’t even have an idea we were promised by magic. I’d cut up her heart and stomped on it with my ignorance.
Worse, how many times had we shared looks, smiles, and quiet moments over the last two years that she’d misinterpreted as my returned interest in that way. She’d clearly expected me to show up tonight, and my mates did as well. No wonder Amara was hanging with the other elves tonight. She’d figured I’d be busy claiming another mate. She’d given me the privacy for it.
That… was fucked up. Had anyone fucked up this bad before? I didn’t even know where to start to fix all that. Would I even be able to?
Well, sitting on my ass wasn’t going to do it, so I got up and left the cabin…
Chapter Three
I knocked.
A lot. There was no answer. I felt her there, lying on the bed, or at least, her magic was lying on the bed.
I knocked again, “Daphne, please let me explain,” while I racked my brain on how to explain. I was still trying to figure out exactly how I’d been so damned thick.
All the times that I’d studied her, and was determined to see her through this at any cost. How many times I’d thought her exceptionally beautiful, or noticed a small change in her hair, or a new dress.
The way I’d thought the man that actually got her would be one lucky bastard.
Hah, jokes on me. I’d had her and… lost her? I wasn’t sure yet, but I also wasn’t sure how she’d ever forgive me. My ignorance had destroyed her, I’d watched the anguish fill her eyes. I can’t take that back. I also couldn’t give up.
I knocked, “Please open up Daphne?”
Daphne yelled, “Go away, and you may not call me that.”
Fuck! What now?
I thought about breaking the door down, I also considered telling her I loved her, but I had the feeling in her state of mind neither would go over very well. She’d just demanded I no longer use her familiar name after all. I turned away, and went up on deck. I moved toward the stern of the ship, and then over to port side, and took a seat on the deck. My hands gripped the rails until they hurt.
I stared down at the dark ocean, barely illuminated by the silvery light of the moon. I still wasn’t sure how I’d deluded myself into not realizing the truth. It’d been beyond obvious in hindsight. I snorted, women weren’t a mystery, I was an idiot, or at least, both were true…
I wasn’t sure how much time had passed as I stared at the water. There was a deep rage and worry in my heart. I was so angry that Daphne was in pain that I wanted to strike out, and destroy something. Of course, the only target for my rage, was myself. I’d hurt the one I loved, no one else.
The pain I felt, was almost a balm, because it was something I knew I deserved to feel.
That’s how Lia found me.
“What are you doing up here?”
I laughed, rather bitterly.
“What’s wrong, what happened? Sharon and I got back several hours ago, we thought you were… but then someone woke me to say you’d been up here all night. What’s wrong?”
Her hand touched my shoulder, and it was such a comfort to me I had the irrational urge to knock it off. I didn’t deserve to be comforted. It was only my self-disgust at the thought of hurting her tonight too, that stayed my hand.
“I was a cop on my world. A police officer. It’s a post with authority, and one that should inspire people to feel safe. Well, the ones that aren’t crooks.”
She sat down next to me.
I sensed both Sharon and Amara near, they’d heard me too.
Lia said, “I know, you’ve told me.”
I sighed, “There’s a large taboo, social taboo on my world. Even laws. A man over the age of eighteen can’t be with one that’s sixteen. It happens of course, temptation, or what have you. But the taboo is four times greater, or more, for those in positions of power. A twenty-four-year-old cop, with a sixteen-year-old girl, would be crucified by the press, their job, and pretty much everyone. They’d be fired and ostracized by the community at the least, and sent to prison at worst.”
Lia cleared her throat, “I don’t understand.”
I shook my head, “The first time I saw Daphne, I was attracted to her. Not like I was with you three, and maybe it would have been better if I had. I don’t know if I understand why it was less like that.”
Lia cleared her throat nervously, “Because she was too young, at the time. The promise by magic wouldn’t have kicked in then, but it also wouldn’t have stopped you from feeling attracted to her in a normal way either like it does with most others. So, what you felt was just completely natural, and not of the magic. Umm, until today that is.”
I snorted.
“So fine, my point was I was so well trained by my society and its mores, that I pushed down that small bit of attraction, because it was wrong. I did it so well, it colored everything that followed. So when I felt overprotective, and determined to protect her beyond all reason, I rationalized to myself that it was because she was the queen. Without her, my mission here would fail.
“Then, when I fell in love with her, I twisted it into familial feelings. She’d still been sixteen then, so I started to treat her like I would a little sister. I did that for a long time, and never admitted to myself how I really felt. It’s only tonight that I realized what I’d done. Those three things made it even harder to see the truth right in front of me, and made me completely misunderstand all the clues.”
Lia frowned, but didn’t interrupt.
“Like when I saw her giving me and one of you wistful looks, I just told myself she just wanted the same kind of love and bond we had. It never occurred to me she wanted to join us, that she already had that, with me, but knew she couldn’t have it quite yet. So while she waited for two years, before we could consummate our love, I’d had no fucking clue what was really going on. I’d lied so often and well to myself, I’d actually believed it myself.
I frowned, “Then tonight, I ripped out her heart, when she asked me why I hadn’t gone to her, or something like that, and I asked her what she was talking about. I honestly had no clue what she’d meant. Needless to say, that didn’t go well at all.
“So here I am, and I’ve no idea how to fix it, she won’t talk to me. She even told me not to call her by name anymore. I hurt her Lia, devastated her, because I was too stupid to see what was right in front of me. All those times she studied me, or… it’s just so damned obvious, but I didn’t see it.”
Lia sighed, “I’m sorry Tony, we’ll figure it out, fix it. We had no idea you didn’t know, and it’s not the kind of thing people just bring up in conversation. We’d have told you.”
I shrugged, and as pitiful as it sounds, I concentrated on not crying. I kept seeing Daphne’s face in my mind’s eye, of that moment when the light left her green eyes as they filled with pain, it wasn’t a good time in my life. I don’t think I felt nearly as miserable about the situation with Amara. But then, this time it’s my fault.
“How?”
Lia squeezed my shoulder, “We’ll talk to her, she’ll listen to us. But later, we don’t have time right now. The battle is in an hour.”
I frowned, “Have I been up all night?”
I scanned the eastern horizon, and saw the faint light of false dawn in the sky. Shit, stupid question, of course I’d been up all night. It’d been before midnight for sure, and probably an hour or two earlier when Daphne had knocked on my door. I’d been out here for seven or eight hours? It didn’t feel that long, but I was definitely tired, and my ass was numb. Great, this should be a fun battle.
Not that any of them were fun of course.
Lia nodded, leaned in and kissed my cheek, “Come on, we need to grab breakfast, and something to drink.”
I sighed, I’d fucked up their sleep too, or at least, the last hour of it. And who knows how late they’d been out. Fuck.
I got up and followed them down to the galley. Both Amara and Sharon smiled tentatively at me, an attempt to cheer me up. The best I
could manage was a wan smile. If it had been anyone else, I wouldn’t have even made that small token effort.
I was also feeling sorry for myself, but honestly I just couldn’t make myself care about that.
Breakfast was tasteless, and the table was tense. My mates and I usually got along effortlessly, but all three of them seemed uncomfortable, like they weren’t sure exactly what to do with this version of me. They’d even stopped with the comforting smiles and gestures.
I felt a little lifeless right then, dead inside, so I supposed I couldn’t blame them for that. The numbness was better than the pain I’d felt all night, and it was my fault anyway. Now I was making it worse. I was making my other mates upset too.
Marie and Jenna looked even more uncomfortable than my mates did, which was saying something.
Still, the last thing I needed or wanted was to cause more strife and hurt to those I loved.
Daphne? She wasn’t at breakfast at all. Since she usually ate with us, I could understand why. I was really confused by what I did, how could I have rationalized and hid the amount of love I felt for her? I mean, I had to love her right, to be this fucking miserable? When I tore her heart out, I’d done the same to my own.
I finished my meal quickly and mechanically, and then stood up.
“I’ll be up on deck, can one of you bring the queen some food?”
Marie and Jenna gave me startled looks, probably because I didn’t use her name. It wasn’t because she’d told me not to call her that anymore either, I just didn’t want to say it out loud, or hear it right now. Numb was good. Battle was good too, I could use something to focus on, and an enemy to take my emotions out on.
I also knew that was dangerous, but I wouldn’t kill needlessly, no matter how much I really wanted to.
I wondered if I’d been wrong about the about the temptations the goddess had warned me of, because right now, without Daphne, I wasn’t sure if I’d care if the world burned. My three mates that I loved and were still with me, even if they probably thought I was a fucking moron now, were the only anchors to my sanity right then.
Tony and the Queen of Iziral Page 2